The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.
I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.
I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.
‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.
But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.
People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.
I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).
In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.
We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.
In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.
“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”
I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.
I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.
It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.
I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.
Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.
When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.
We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.
My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.
The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.
Question of the day…
Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…
Love this video, and it is so true. But here’s something else to think about. What about the people in this world who are so scared of losing YOUR approval that they present an ideal image of themselves that nowhere near fits their real persona? Obviously they cannot live up to that image for very long and a discerning person can see through it. How do you get through to them that it is the REAL persona that you love and not the phony image that they have presented of themselves?
We can’t change our personality but only our attitude towards particular things..so isn’t it better to fall in love with someone that we don’t want to change and like them for who they are?
I would never expect my partner to be ideal but I do think that every relationship is a hard work. It’s never easy..thats why some people like to be single. Less resposibility. I wouldn’t want my bf to be moody with me just because he had a bad day at work…respect is important..
Some people like my personality..and other people can’t understand me..you can’t please everyone..there will be someone that will still accuse me of doing something wrong…reality!!!
“I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).” Exactly!! This is what I keep saying!! This doesn’t just apply to how we view others but also ourselves. Sometimes when we reach a certain status or job title we feel like we need to chagr but then we forget that we got to where we are because of the way we used to be. We start becoming some boxed up and commercial we stop thinking outside the box and exploring, making discoveries, we lose inspiration and therefore can’t motivate others either. This was PERFECT!!!
Aahh!!! Love your super cute smile at the end!!! You’re so adorable!! xoxo
Love ,
Is it me, or is your quiff taking on a life of its own?! It just keeps getting bigger!
:-)
What you said in this video is really the key to real happiness: letting go of the expectation of the ideal and appreciating what actually exists even if its slightly uncomfortable or not too pretty. It applies to so many areas of life, not just in romantic relationships. Took me a while to learn but I’m so glad you are sharing this with others.
Skrew those zombie gurus who don’t know how to be genuine anymore.
I remember meeting this married couple. And someone asked the guy: what do you don’t like that much about her? Is there a habit of her that makes you upset?
And the guy answered: I love everything about her, even the so called bad things. I just love the way she is and it’s all I need. I don’t want a perfect wife, I just want her…
I seriously just melted just by hearing those words :D
Thank u, for always bringing something great to the table. Being authentic is the only way to be you;)
And another thanks because I’m applying what u share and teach, and really getting somewhere in all of this dating world. It’s so great when I’ve experienced something, and say to myself, “Ohh! This is what Matthew Hussey was talking about!”
Light Bulbing;)
-Ashleigh
Hey Matt! :)
Just wanted to drop by and say that I’m very glad and happy and relieved that you are yourself! :)
Love
xx
Sarah
I’m a naturally happy go lucky person, and it drives me bonkers when people focus so heavily on “why are you in such a bad mood?!” On those days when I’m just quiet… I know, not cracking jokes and chatting all the time… SHOCKING!! But give me a day to just be quiet without making a huge negative thing of it!!!
Ok so I finally watched this all the way through and now I’m CONFUSED. Didn’t you just say NOT to be yourself? Seriously, Matthew you’re killing me! I will just stand behind what I said earlier Be The Best Version of You and Let the Sexy Shine Through.
Thanks for the heads up about the STD’s.
You know what, Matt? I AM sad! Why? Because I firmly believe that Jameson is a figment of your imagination! We have no proof that Jameson exists. So until proven otherwise, I’m convinced Jameson is your imaginary friend that you save an empty seat at the dinner table for and occasionally spaz out should anyone try to sit on him.
P.S Please take this comment literally. It’ll make my day. LOL
too sexy in that color :P take care matt.
This world (especially with all this recent Social Media boom) is just full of unrealistic expectations that no one can live up to. We need to realise that not EVERYONE is gonna like us regardless of what we do, say or look like. It’s therefore OK for others to be angry or disappointed with us just as it is ok for US to be angry or disappointed for who cares what reason. The most amazing gift this life has given us is precisely this variety in our moods, physical appearances and thoughts.
Reading this blog and seeing this video reminded me of a saying by my favourite philosopher Khalil Gibran when he speaks on Joy and Sorrow:
“Some of you say, “Joy is greater thar sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
The moment we get rid of that fear of not being happy, or not pleasing someone, we will learn to embrace others just the same way we embrace ourselves and THAT is when true deep authentic realtionships will be forged :)
Keep up the great work Matt, and thanks once more for all the inspiring work!
xxx
PS: Not even my MOTHER understands the full breadth of my personality, nor do I understand her’s (many times actually) still doesn’t mean we don’t deeply love each other ^_^
It’s really difficult to be real especially when someone have a “image” to maintain.
I’ve seen people who do things they do not want to do just because they want to appear “nice”.
It took me quite a while to learn to say “No”. And being authentic is the best feeling in the world! :)
But if a man don’t know how to open up to me, how am I going to fall in love with the real him??
As you get to know someone more and more, if he feels emotionally safe with you, then he will start revealing himself more and more.
Then you can fall in love with the real him.
It is not instant, this type of authenticity, getting to know eachother, and learning to love the real eachother happens only over time.
Jameson is a mysterious silent most important person in these videos.
I didn’t really watch the video… But I just wanted to say I think you’re awesome. (Gush. More groupie stuff. )
Btw, why does all good music seem to come from the UK ? Is it something in the water / pond ?
Just wondering.
it took off my
and
damn you, computer formatting and IT !
sorry if this is mean, but you guys totally deserve it.
:P
That was deep, a really intruiging video. Thank you. And you should totally show us Jameson. Take care!
Thank you again dear Matt
I find it’s men who are too idealistic (immature)! The best and most recent line I heard was – “I think if you love someone you don’t have to work at the relationship!” Mind you, at 46 and never married, I could see why he’d think that. I am more than happy to have reality but I am alone in this I have found…so far.