The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.
I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.
I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.
‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.
But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.
People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.
I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).
In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.
We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.
In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.
“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”
I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.
I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.
It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.
I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.
Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.
When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.
We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.
My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.
The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.
Question of the day…
Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…
Wow, I really needed this article right now! Thank you, Matt!
I’m seeing my ex now. He knows about my past, but I haven’t really let him see how it affected me and I wasn’t able to let him see what was going on in my head (missed words and awnsers to explain), while we were having a relationship.
Before my ex and I had a relationship, my eyes have been opened about me needing to really open up to people to let them in.. I kinda lost my identity/myself because of all the walls that were comming down, and my ex, which I had a relationship with after I was trying to figure out who I really was. He really showed me him and life.
So now I’m trying to have that conversation about my past and all the effects that came with it.
Now I’m able to explain it all. Yes! Freedom for me, just by knowing it all!
But we still need to have the conversation, I’ve tried to explain something, but he found it pretty strange, I think. I’m just hoping he is able to hear/listen to me and understand a bit of what I’m telling him. He always was a great listener, so let’s see what this friendship really is.. In need for a deeper connection, with someone.. Wish me luck..
Here’s to a new, better/healthier life ^_^
Love, Tammy
Ps. Lucky for me, I’m pretty mutch always straight forwards when I share my feelings..
This is probably a bit off topic buuuuuut what does it really mean when a guy says that he has to get some things lined up and taken care of before he can start dating anyone???
Hi Matthew,
I liked your advice on authenticity and really love your radio show. I’m commenting on it because I recently woke up to the reality of the man in my life, it is not a pretty picture. This is my husband and father of our kids, someone I really love and care about, however, this past year, he has shown me very destructive behavioral patterns that led him to make destructive choices in his life which in turn have hurt me and the kids deeply. Compare the hurt to a vase that has been broken and glued back together, the cracks will always show. What do you do when you realize that a piece of the reality of the person you share your whole life with is a very ugly side? I have realized that this ugly side relates to behavioral patterns he picked up as a child, he was not loved the way a child should have been (very bad parenting) and as a consequence of that, this very ugly side developed and now in adulthood has surfaced. Should women in this situation just throw their hands to the air and end it all? Or is this something where, yes you know this is the reality of it, you are conscious of it, you are also conscious that you care for this person, have highlighted it to him, but the intricacies of dealing with this situation are just rough, really rough! I hear you when you say some guys are just dicks, which is true, some truly are, but don’t you ever wonder how these guys ever came to be the way they are? I understand, it is not up to a woman to fix a guy, this is definitely something they need to do for themselves, but, some men, literally, never even realize they need fixing, their behaviors are deeply rooted from the time they were kids, it is the dysfunctional parents that do not do a job at parenting at all. It is like a never ending vicious cycle of dysfunction. What about these guys? How do us, women who believe me, deal with this men all the time handle these men? All women one time or another have probably bumped into one. Sometimes these men can be charming, kind, you name it, and years later, bam! The deeply rooted issues surface. It is not as easy as, hey this authenticity just got complicated and really ugly, screw the kids, I am out. And yes, I hear you, there are plenty of great guys out there who were lucky enough to be raised by educated, honest, kind and loving people, but there are far more dysfunctional men out there who were not raised properly, loved and do behave the way they do because these were mechanisms they learned as children to cope with the fact their parents were that dysfunctional. So, what advice do you have for us women who are dealing with this reality and do not want to give up because the stakes are too high?
Good afternoon to all of you,
There’s a big question and I can’t seem to figure out the answer.
-What to do if you moved on from a guy and suddenly realize, why he’s been acting the way he did, and it actually has less to do with you and or chemistry or his wish to commit.-
I’ve had this great 1year relationship with a very intelligent guy. We’ve had a lot of brainals and we’re both 100% sure that we’re right for each other. We where engaged but he only followed it through half heartedly and started to come by 2 times a week instead of the usual whole weeks and 3 to 4 days. Also, he stopped working on the necklace which we would wear and started to become very quiet and doubtfull about everything in his live. And he didn’t introduced me to his parents, nobody was alowed to know about the engagement etcetera. I moved on because of the simple thought that he couldn’t give me the security or commitment I needed anymore. We had this clear talk in which I basically sad “Okay, I really need to be with someone who can see me more than 2 days a week, and someone who’s proud enough to show me to his family and friends as his fiance.” His answer was that he cannot do that now, he’s okay with the amount of time that we see eachother and doesn’t want more, and he cannot be engaged to me anymore, but he wants to be together forever and marry eventually. He says he’s paranoid and doesn’t trust me enough because of my looks, that I’m not secretly banging other guys etc, doubts, a lot of doubts suddenly. So I moved on, I broke of the relationship, and we do have a date next week, we have fun conversations and I’m open to see other people but offcourse, none of them are as great as he is and I’m not intimate with them. So, some of his friends and his sister started alarming me that he’s not doing well. They started talking a lot to me about how he’s probably highly autistic and has doubts about everything in his live. Now all of a sudden I feel that I’ve set the standards way to high for this guy because he doesn’t seem to fit in the standards of society as well, and he’s losing a lot of his friends, his study is taking ages as well. He doesn’t really know who he is and is starting to get really depressed. But, he’s really intelligent and interesting and he loves me to death. I was so “selfish” during the relationship that I didn’t see that his brain is wired differently and that he probably needs other ways of doing things. My guy friends say that I can still be there for him without being his girlfriend. And I don’t want to be stuck in a limbo offcourse. But I feel that I didn’t took enough concentration to really look who he is and what he needs. So what do I do. Or is it okay that I just date him and broke of the relationship because he didn’t follow his words through actions? And how can I support without being some kind of sexy doctor. I love his mind, and I don’t care about the labels, but he does seem to need some directions on how to do things in his own way.
Amanda, I hope u don’t mind me giving you advice! I read your comment and I think if you really want to be with him, you have to ask yourself if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your relationship together. Is this what you really, truly want? Someone who is depressed and unsure about himself as well as unsure about you and your relationship together. Someone who can’t fully commit, yet still wants you around. Someone who is insecure because you’re beautiful. Someone who wants to hide your engagement. Someone who only wants to see you 2x a week. I know you realize that he may have an actual problem (autism) to blame for the way his brain thinks, and that’s fine, but just ask yourself if this is what you think you want and deserve for your life. I don’t know you, but I’m thinking that you deserve much better. A relationship that is more fulfilling. Not one where you have to constantly make sure the man is okay. What about your needs? Don’t you want someone who is loving, caring, proud of your relationship and can’t wait to introduce you and show you off to his friends and family? I think most girls would want that. I know it’s not his fault if he has autism, but you do not, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it for the rest of your life. I don’t think it’s selfish of you to have wants and needs in a relationship. Everybody does. It’s your life, you have to live it, and you really have to decide if this is what you want. You don’t want to be miserable the rest of your life because you didn’t want to be “selfish.” I think Matt would agree with me here. Anyway, I hope you make the best decision for yourself, and I wish you the best of luck!! <3
Amanda,
you have probably by now made up your mind and I am no Matthew Hussey, but I do have an internal voice that I do listen to. It is telling me to tell you “RUN!!!” You did the right thing for calling it off. I have been on both sides of this argument, and nothing in the world is worth of giving up your peace.
I think your heart told you to break off the relationship, which you did, and now you are analyzing it…
Don’t and good luck. You deserve the guys who is happy to tell everyone about your engagement and to see you more then a couple of times a week!
I think you have officially gone up a rung or two on my level of admiration of you. There is nothing wiser than a person who can admit that they indeed enjoy the all encompassing value of a person and the reality that is life. For if we are the polished versions of ourselves the whole time how will we know that we are truly lovable or just loved for who we pretend to be? I believe you are growing in maturity and understanding of the human spirit, right on ya mate. way to go. :)
* raw = so fuckin hot, matt * carry on =)
I feel like they might have even understood it or grasped it but just didn’t find it fascinating enough or special enough to fall for me. Or maybe I intimidated them? I guess that’s just an excuse to make myself feel better.
And when it comes to loving people as everything they are, I agree, for there will probably never be anyone who you like everything about, no friend, no family member, no partner, no one.
I love this idea of falling for the person and not the ideal. Sometimes the person you fall for is not ideal and you fall hard for them anyway.
I was married for over 7 years which in hindsight I realized I was in the relationship for the ideals. I finally broke it off… and I started meeting new people through online dating. 6 weeks after my sustain, and after a few experimental meet ups, I met this man that gave me butterflies. We got along like a house on fire from the get go. I fell in love with this man. And I’m pretty sure he was quite surpassed that we got along so well too!
Anyway we quickly started spending heaps of time together – 4 or 5 times a week.
He slowly revealed more and now about him self… gambling, smoking and drinking. So he’s not the ideal man, but I love him as a person. I love how he looks after me, and share everything. Of course the less than ideal part is the loss ofmoney throughgambling. But he’s trusted me enough to take his money from his bank so there’s definite tryst there. I’m writing here to see if there’s anything else I should look out form he’s the man I love, the less than perfect man, but I love him. I make good money so we are not financially struggling. But my girlfriends all say I should leave him because of the gambling.
I like this video. I really don’t like when I do or say something that people who don’t really know me well would expect and they in turn try to tell me who I am and how I should behave based on who they think I am in their mind.
Hi Matt and others
I really enjoy your videos, so thank you.
I wanted to say that for me , I struggle with being on the other side of what your video talked about… I often find myself trying to be that ideal version on a singular side of my personality that some expects from me and I lose really great pieces of who I am in the process. This is at least partly because a big part of who I am is a people pleaser, it genuinely makes me happy to know I made someone else happy. Now as I’ve gotten older I have gotten better at being a full person but I worry about being able to fully be myself in a relationship without again losing pieces of myself to make my significant other happy, as that has been something that has been played big part in the downfall of my past relationships.
Dear Matthew, again and again and again ;) you are just soooo beautiful, genuine, authentic and most of all human ! thank you for allowing your humanity to shine thus making us realize that we too can allow our own humanity to shine :)
HUGE thumbs up for this one Matthew
You give thousands of women inspiration that not all men are neolithic in attitude, its like a breathe of fresh air to hear and I rather listen to someone who is ‘real’ than some plastic manufactured non human :)
Agreed!!! And thanks for elaborating!!!
ps……you should be cloned ! :D
I certainly felt my ex husband of 29 years did not understand the full breadth of my personality. I’m a very tactile, warm, loving person. He was not. I felt completely unappreciated on that score: something that was so core to the type of person I am. I was also very giving. And he just took. I come from a family where we really considered others. He did not. For the first years of our relationship I always went along with what he wanted. I expected him to think of me and my needs but he only thought of himself. One day after years of putting him first he accused me of being selfish. The marriage died for me that day. Everything I had done in the relationship had been for him and to please him. He really did not understand that. I gave up a lot of my friends and interests and even the amount of time I spent with my family for him because that was what he wanted. He was oblivious of these sacrifices. I now realise it was my mistake too to allow that. I’d been taught too by my parents the importance of being a high value woman, not in the same words you use Matt when you teach it. But the message was basically the same. I loved life, had high values of giving and kindness towards others and high self esteem and respect for myself and others. My life was interesting and I had lots of interests, friends, hobbies, loved to keep fit and eat healthily, I loved to dance and travel and enjoy new experiences. He criticised me every time I looked after myself. He confused my sense of value with selfishness. He completely missed the warm, loving, giving person I am. He confused those strengths with weakness. He did not like me giving my time, energy or love to those I come into contact with. Sex did not work once we were married either. I love sex and am very sexual. Since he divorced me I have discovered just how much I missed out. Yet he called me frigid in the marriage but it was him who had so little interest in sex or affection. I also love socialising and outdoor activities. He would never join in with that side of my life and hated all my friends. I tried to make that marriage work for 29 years because I am very loyal. He did not appreciate that loyalty either. Loyalty is so core to my personality. I also believe the children should come first. He did not support me when I needed help bringing up three of them and his three step children either. We all need to receive and give attention. Children thrive on attention. Work came first for him. Work gave him status. It defined him. I came way down on his list of priorities. I’m also a real home-loving person. I put so much energy into creating home for us and the children and making it a welcoming place for my three step children. Yet he decided one day to discard that. And that’s what finally split us up. He sold the family home against my wishes to go live far away from my parents and friends. I asked for more time, at least till the children, now grown up, were settled. But he refused. And he divorced me. Ironically five years after the split he’s sorry and says he misses me. I think he’s lonely and confusing that loneliness with a misplaced and belated idea of love for me. Unfortunately for me I’ve fallen for someone who although at first seemed perfect, is now beginning to show a similar selfish side. So the question Matt is how do we walk that fine line between being high value but not selfish? If we put others first, we risk coming last in life?
I loved the don’t fall for the ideal fall for the person concept!! Very true . It’s always great to be authentic!! Bravo Matt well done!! And thank you for being you!!! Love it!!!
Hi Matt, your videos have been very inspiring.
Unfortunately I lost my man because I pursued to change him for the ideal.
What can I do to get him back?
Please could you help me?
Thanks a lot
Lina
Matt,
I started watching these videos and bought your book because I was very lonely and wanted to meet a quality man.
Well I met a man, and he fits for my situation and I have lots of fun with him.
I keep coming back because you make me laugh and who doesn’t need comic relief in their life?
Thanks for being real, it’s extremely sexy on you.
Dee
I always thought that people should be real and honest,say what they really think at a moment, be direct, be “them” that is what make the magic!! I think They are even more attractive that way, we get to know the person better and love him/her for who she/he really is and what really makes him/her different and unique for us, but i find people telling me what I think here is the ideal and it used to confuse me… I really like authenticity too and now I’m happy to hear those words out loud coming from you.. You never fail to amaze me Matthew you’re a “real” gift..
Hey matth, how about making a video with steps that could take you out of the friend zone when you allready told your guy how you feel?? I really need that!!!!! I am super in love with a guy who only sees me as a friend, and he is traveling to the other side of the world in less than a month and will be gone for 5 months….. I really Want him so bad and it hurts because we go to some workout together two days a week, it breaks my heart Every time i see him
Hey Matt..I like the authenticity.Thanks for what you do I have been checking out your blogs and I must say I have gotten immense insight.I emailed you a personal question a couple of weeks back and your team said they would forward it to you.Please get back to me its really urgent.Thank you.
Lynn