You’ve been on a date or two with someone and things are going pretty well. Then suddenly they ask you, “Wanna come over to my place and watch a movie tonight?”
Is it too soon? What if you like this person but you feel it’s moving a little too fast? In today’s video, I share 5 things you need to know before you “Netflix and chill” if you want more than just a casual hookup.
Hey everyone, welcome back to the channel. It has been a crazy week. I wanted to get back to basics and do a video for you on the five things you need to know before you go and “Netflix and chill” with somebody.
Before I get into the video, the Love Life book came out this week. It has been a huge week, a crazy week, and so many of you have contributed to the way that this book has gotten out there by already ordering a copy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing that.
I wanted to level with you on something right now: Tomorrow is the final day that week-one book sales count for the New York Times bestseller list, and the reason we want to get on the list is not for vanity; I’ve been on that list before with my first book. It’s because if we get on that list, it creates more publicity around the book, and more publicity around the book means that this book will find the people who need it—people who may not even know who I am, but who need what’s in this book to be happier, more confident, and to value themselves more.
So this is me saying to you, if you get value out of my work, if anything I’ve ever done, any video I’ve ever made—last week or 10 years ago—has helped you, it would mean the world to me if you would grab a copy of the book. I’m gonna keep doing this. I’m gonna keep making free videos. I’m gonna keep writing free newsletters. It’s what I love to do and I love being on this journey with you. So I’m not going anywhere.
But this is just one of those moments that if you wanted to support me, it would mean so so much. The link to get the book is lovelifebook.com. Thank you to everyone who has ordered and to everyone who does order as a result of this video to help us get to that New York Times list. And next week I will tell you if we made it.
All right, on to the video. So this video was inspired by one of my Love Life Club members who talked about a guy who invited her on a “Netflix and chill” date on her second date with him. Now, I don’t look at that and think that’s just a complete red flag. But when she was telling me the story, she was saying, “Someone in my life said to me, ‘He obviously just wants to have sex with you.’”
That threw her a little bit, because, as she said, “I like this guy. We had a really nice time. The way he framed it wasn’t like anything untoward was going to happen. And I really do want to see him again. And by the way, I already said yes. So what do I do? How do I see this?” This was the way she was coming to me.
So I want to give you five things that if you—and it’s not exactly a far-fetched scenario—go on a successful date with someone and then they ask you to come over . . . and have some dinner or watch a little Netflix . . . I want you to have these five things in your mind.
Before I get into these five points, I want to make something very clear: A video like this can often be misread as coming from some kind of prudish or puritanical place when it comes to sex. Let me assure you, it doesn’t come from any of those places with me. You’ll find no judgment here for who you want to have sex with, or when you want to have sex with them. I only make this video from the point of view of making sure that whatever you do in your love life is aligned with the result you ultimately want for yourself in the long term.
The first thing I want to say is you are always entitled to tell someone, “That sounds fun, but I’m just not comfortable with that at this stage.” Or “You know, it’s a little soon for me to go to your house.” You can even make a joke of it: “It’s a little soon for me to go to a stranger’s house,” and let them say, “I’m not a stranger; we have an amazing date,” and you go “Yeah, haha, I know, it was amazing. Still, it’s a little soon for me, but let’s do something. Let’s go somewhere. Let’s go see a movie. Let’s go to dinner.”
You can always tell someone, “Not yet.” Remember, you set the pace of your dating life, and don’t let someone take you off your pace just because you had a great time with them.
The second thing I want to say is if you do say yes, decide your boundaries ahead of time. And the really important thing about that is, when you get there, you won’t always be able to trust your desires, right? It’s not just “decide your boundaries ahead of time because otherwise when you get there, they’ll be able to just do what they want,” it’s that when you get there, you may just do what you want, and that might not be the best thing that serves the path you want to be on.
So before you get there, ask yourself: “What is it I really want?” And if you tell yourself: “Well, actually, I want true companionship. I want true partnership. I want a relationship. I’m looking to create something with someone,” then remind yourself that the only reason you’re dating in the first place is to find someone you can create that with.
So this idea of going to someone’s house is really nothing more than another date—a date where you are looking at someone and going, “Do we have a great time? Do we have the same values? Do we want the same things?”
The danger with going over there without having that clear in your mind is that you can go and just have sex with someone, and sex itself muddies the waters. It can create a false sense of connection. It’s something that makes you feel closer to someone than you really are, and it might not change the way they feel at all. It might not progress their feelings at all. Meanwhile, you might feel a lot closer to this person.
It’s almost like, because it creates a false sense of intimacy, you feel like you know that person better than you do by now, even though you haven’t actually spent that much time with them, and technically you’re still just on date two.
So deciding your boundary ahead of time means: “What am I okay with?” And be kind of specific. Say, “Am I okay with having dinner at their house? Am I okay with watching a movie on their sofa? Am I okay with us watching a movie under a blanket? Am I okay kissing this person in the middle of this movie? Is anything further than that okay?”
That’s why you have to decide. It’s not for me to decide. It’s for you to decide, but decide where the line is, and then stick to that line knowing you created that line in the first place because it serves the path you want to be on.
Remember, if you follow your feelings in the moment, then you’ll just do whatever feels good. But if you’ve set out your path, then you’ll stick to your path, and that’s going to make you much happier long term.
Number three: When you go to someone’s house, don’t let the fact that it feels familiar trick you into a false sense of intimacy that hasn’t been earned.
Remember, you are still just on a date. It may feel like all of a sudden there’s something a bit boyfriend-and-girlfriend-y about this situation. You’re lying on the sofa together watching a movie. This kind of feels like the cozy, comfortable part of a relationship. But you’re on date two or four or whatever date you’re on. So don’t let the fact that you’re in someone’s home and you’re doing something that feels very snuggly and cozy and familiar together trick your mind into thinking you’re further along than you really are.
Which leads us to number four: Don’t do anything with someone in their home that you wouldn’t do if you were on a date at an outdoor movie theater. Imagine it’s the summer and someone invited you to go and watch a movie screening in a park somewhere. If you did that, ask yourself: “What would I do in this setting? Well, I might have a little cuddle, we might have a kiss or two or 10, but that would be the extent of it.”
Don’t go somewhere else just because you’re in someone’s home, because that means you’ve forgotten the date you’re on. You’re just reacting to the setting you’re in.
And number five: Don’t let it set a precedent for the amount of effort that someone puts in. A lot of people, when they invite you on a “Netflix and chill” date at their house, once they’ve got that, it can come with a sense of entitlement that “this is now all we need to do.”
So now you find date three is like that. And so is date four and so is date five, and before you know it, you’re in a dynamic that no longer feels like you’re dating. It just feels like a kind of pseudo-relationship although you don’t know what the hell you are with this person. You’re just someone who goes to their house and hangs out.
Instead of falling into that trap again—there’s no crime in going to someone’s house and having a chill date with them, having a bit of dinner, and watching a movie—but if you’re going to do it, remind yourself that “this doesn’t change the amount of effort that I expect this person to put in on average.”
If on date three, they ask you to come over again, you can say to that person, “Hey, let’s go do something. Why don’t we go watch a movie, or why don’t we go to a restaurant, or why don’t we go for a walk somewhere?”
Take them out of that context and remind them that this isn’t just the norm now. This can’t just be the expectation. You are still dating, you are still getting to know each other, and you still expect effort.
I also want to say I feel I would be remiss not to say this . . . especially for women, let’s face it: Going to someone’s home who you don’t really know comes with certain risks.
There are plenty of unsafe people in the world to be alone in a room with, so whatever you do, if you don’t feel comfortable with someone, if you don’t know them that well and there’s even a part of you that’s in doubt, get to know them more in a public setting before you show up to their house on your own. Or if you do show up to their house, make sure people you love know where you are, the address of where you are, and you check in via ways that let the people who love you the most know that you are okay.
None of this comes from some puritanical place in me. It comes from one place only: Keep yourself safe.
Thank you so much for watching this video. Thank you to all of you who have ordered a copy of my new book, Love Life. It’s been a crazy week. I’ve been on CBS Mornings with Gayle King. I’ve been on the Drew Barrymore Show and done stuff with Oprah Daily this week. It has just been one of the wildest weeks of my career.
I know you have been along with me for the ride as I’ve been posting about it and doing all of these lives. Thank you so much for the love you have given me through this process, for all of the encouragement and the support. It means so very much to me. And I’m just so excited for all of you to read the book, and to let me know what you think. I’m so excited that you finally get to read it and that I don’t have to just hold it in secret anymore. So do let me know what you think. Send me a message. It means more to me than you know.
For anyone who still wants a copy who hasn’t gotten one, lovelifebook.com is the link. I will see all of you who have ordered a copy of the book on May 4. I can’t wait to see you. We’re doing lots of giveaways for everyone who has gotten the book: Live Retreat tickets, a one-on-one with me, signed books, Love Life sweatshirts, T-shirts, all sorts of amazing things. So we’re going to be announcing winners for those things at the event.
Of course, anyone who got a book is going to get a ticket to that event. If you haven’t already, make sure you go and register your purchase at lovelifebook.com so you can claim that ticket, and I’ll see you soon. Thanks, everyone.
