The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.
I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.
I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.
‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.
But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.
People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.
I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).
In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.
We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.
In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.
“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”
I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.
I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.
It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.
I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.
Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.
When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.
We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.
My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.
The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.
Question of the day…
Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I love it!
I had a few girls whisper as I walked by them yesterday, “Have you ever seen such a girl.” I didn’t get offended, I just thought that’s great I am being recognised as me being me!
I’m sure you’re going to keep being you and that in itself shows true integrity. You aren’t lying to your peeps or yourself.
I agree that the more authentic self is much more diversified and multidimensional than trying to fit into an ideal persona. However, it also opens one up to a greater chance that there will be something that someone will not always like about something we say or do. While we may want to act more authentically and express ourselves in different ways depending on the mood, etc that we are in at the time, we also have to be then open to others responding authentically by expressing their thoughts about something we do which may not always be positive feedback to what we have said or done. It goes both ways.
Hello Matthew,
i love all of your videos and think they are fantastic.
Just a quick few questions I hope you can help me with,
First of all I really like my male best friend,
We have been best friends since the start of university and have both said in little ways that we think each others are attractive we have spent ‘a few nights together’ so to speak, and I know we both find each other attractive intellectually as well, but now my problem is that he obviously does not want me fully in a committed relationship for some reason? and i am wondering why i use all of your techniques on him and he still only sees me as a friend and i am not sure why? What can i do to make him see me in a better way? we have also lived together for a while now while living in student accommodation i find my self in a bit of a pickle! how do i make him more attracted to me? how do i get him to make the moves on me? how do i make him more interested? as best friends he knows me pretty well but i just need him to change his perspective but how?
If you could help me in any way shape or form this would be 100% appreciated.
Thank you so much,
Chelsea. x
When having certain expectations of my partner, how do I differentiate between holding him up to an idealized/media version of him (unhealthy) versus holding him up to certain standards (possibly healthy)?
For instance, I would want my partner to see me and want me for who I really am. But I would also want him to hold me to certain ideals/standards/values, thereby facilitating my personal growth.
So, how do I draw the line between loving a person for who he is, without it becoming the ‘be yourself’ sort of situation you’ve discussed earlier?
People don’t understand that sometimes when I joke about something it means that I’ve put some truth out there, to be taken up, or not. It’s serious but people have to have a bit of cop on to understand that.
Ok,ok Matt! I guess I can take you off that pedestal! You are human afterall and I guess I never really believed completely that you were perfect (well not quite, I suppose-just almost perfect then)lol Seriously I definitely agree. I do not want people to be one dimensional and always be monitoring how they act. I certainly do not want others to be expecting me to act in one “proper” way all the time. It makes it uncomfortable to be around those people then because I am then always worried about whether they will judge me when I fall off the pedestal or fall out of the particular mold they have designated for me. I can and like to be serious at times but am also known to be crazy and very silly at other times. It just depends on my mood. We just all need to be reminded that we need to do unto others or think of others as we wish for them to do or think of us. Thanks Matt- love you unconditionally!lol
This is one of the best videos I’ve seen. You are on the mark Matthew. I really respect you for how much you’ve grown and for your expression of authenticity. I don’t have time to see all of the videos you post, but one sticks to mind that I will comment on, specifically the one where you told two female hosts that they were wrong about dating views, one of them was Kathy Reeges I believe. They were offended and resisted your challenging views, yet you still stood your ground, most importantly with Reason as you’ve worked hard to know your stuff! It takes real guts to commit and dedicate yourself to invest in an intention that means something to you. Thanks so much for the inspiration and reminding us to have courage to be our true selves. You’ve been consistent with your genuineness and honesty. Thank you for being a great example. Keep being you as it shines brightly. :)
Warmly,
Elaine
Matthew, you never cease to amaze me! I just got caught up with all your episodes from your new talk show ‘Love Life’ (btw, I LOVE the title:). So proud of you!!! Keep up the awesome work and I really hope I get to see you again sometime. Eres sensacional!!!
Grande abrazo!!!
I have always felt like that only few people are able to understand the cloud you carry over your head that’s always there no matter what you do. Even your “so-called” beloved doesn’t see it. whats more disappointing is when or if you decide to reveal something sad or dark about your personality people around you start to behave like you are from outer space! Whats funny is to me when someone comes close to me and shares something very intimate with me that makes me feel so elated and over the moon, however when i plan to do the same they turn around and say come-on you are so different from others, i have always loved your (dreaded) bubbly side. Men don’t understand that women sometimes need the comforting shoulder!
Great video. Just as we’re always saying that it’s important to “be yourself,” and not put on masks for our relationships or other situations in life, we have to allow others to be themselves too. Knowing that it won’t always be consistent is part of the game.
This video just made my day! I get so frustrated with this same issue. I am usually a very outgoing person, and so when I meet a guy and we start dating, I think they just assume that that’s all there is to me. Throughout my relationships, I constantly feel as though I am being judged, and being held to some standard that is not my own. It’s infuriating, and, honestly, more than a little rude. Why do people believe that they are qualified to determine the worth of other people? And how dare my boyfriends decide what is “normal” or “acceptable” for me? In any case, being “on” all the time – smiling, being positive, essentially playing the role of Perfect Girlfriend all the time is exhausting, and irritating, I’m sure, to both of us, but I just never feel comfortable enough around them to relax and be myself, and I think it’s mostly due to the fact that I can sense their assessment of me. It’s a toxic atmosphere, and the #1 worst part of being in a relationship. For me.
Matt,
I want to say thank you for this video. In my past relationships I’ve been with a guy who only liked me for one side of me or act a certain way because they would think that is how I wanted them to be. But I came to realize over time those weren’t anything I personally wanted in my life. I wanted a real relationship with a person who I just wanted to be with regaurdless of their flaws and that person feels the same excated way I do. A person to push me to grow in areas that I lack in. A person who is willing to grow and change with me.
I guess what makes me want such a person is because I’m always expected to be something that I’m not.
I was cuurious iff you ever thought of changing the page layout of your blog?
Its very well written; I lpve what youve got to
say. But aybe you could a little more in the
way of cobtent so people could connect with itt better.
Youve gott an awful lot of text ffor only having onee or two pictures.
Maybe you could spaace it outt better?
I’d like to offer a slightly different take on this… I found recently I had to start accepting myself and my flaws more, and not keep trying to project and live up to the image of myself that I thought everybody wanted to see. I thought I couldn’t tell my boyfriend about my bad day at work, that I couldn’t vent – who wants to hear that? But then I realised I don’t have to be this ‘happy’ person around him all of the time – admittedly I wouldn’t want him to see me miserable, but I realised it’s ok to have niggles, things that make you angry – it’s all about being a ‘person’ not just a projection. It also it actually shows you have standards and respect for yourself when someone else’s bad behaviour make you angry, which I imagine your partner wants in someone. It also meant he opened up a little too about how his work affects him. It gives you, as you say Matt, a greater insight into who that person really is.
I’m no expert, and I’m still navigating this relationship – videos like this feel like a comfort, knowing that it’s ok not to be ‘perfect’. It sounds so simple, but it’s easy to forget.
Lol I love this video matthew! Being completely yourself is admirable and brave! We are all so multi-faceted and diverse, I think it’s a shame when people feel the need to mask who they really are in place of an idea! I did this for a long time and found I couldn’t really connect with others on a deep level! I’m totally myself now warts and all and I am close to so many wonderful people as a result! Keep up the amazing work! :) xx
Hello Matthew,
I thought your Retirement video was hilarious…And you are right, I don’t want a Relationship expert, who is all the time smiley, because he/she should be all positive all the time…I want a real human in front of me, not a faker… I like your style…;-)
And yes, I agree with your statement that (especially women) we should look at the person (man in interest) and see him and want to know him, what makes him really tick, not something we fantasize or desire to have as a man..
Some men however, make it really hard though to look inside their hearts, because they are either too afraid, too many times hurt by a woman, or don’t like themselves as much at all (low self-esteem)…
I wished that I could have had the chance again to really know my last boy-friend, because I was fascinated by his intelligence, and I can see behind his beautiful brown eyes that he bears so much passion and kindness in his heart…But he didn’t let me in…:-|
And I thank you for your authenticity, honesty and your humor…! We Europeans appreciate that kind of humor…;-)
Hi Matt,
I really related with this video. I couldn’t agree with you more . Thank you for posting it. Reminds me of the controversy currently happening with Miley Cyrus. Seems like people are more interested in some idea of her, rather than who she is choosing to be in real time. Anyway, I love you and accept you for however you’re choosing to be and I’ve never been mad at your videos. Lol. I am interested in witnessing the REAL Matthew!
Hello Matthew,
I love watching your videos as I feel like your advice is useful when interacting with anyone, men or women. I will note that everything I have tried that I got from your videos has worked… maybe too well…
You see, I run a non-profit professional networking organization and my job is to make connections, talk to people and initiating conversation…basically all the tricks you teach. Now the issue I have run into (by the way I am single) is that I get too many interested men and I have no idea how to graciously decline and I end up dating everyone and its a giant mess for me.
Ok, I know this sounds like Im bragging, but really don’t want to hurt these people. It is so flattering when someone gets the courage to ask me out and I don’t want to offend or discourage them. Also I don’t want them to disappear and never attend the events for the non-profit (which has happened).
Any advice would be brilliant! Thanks again for the work you do, you are providing such valuable tools to enrich the lives of so many everyday and that is a very noble thing.
BIG FAN!! LOVE THE HAIR!
Regards,
Nisha
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your teeth. There is a lot of teeth grinding going on. I’m almost all gum! Haha. But it doesn’t bother me because that’s never been my aim. I understand that whenever it becomes my aim I’ll be squirming from the discomfort ;)
wow, thanks for being real with us. I needed to hear this. It is so easy to idealize others and not see who they really are.