The goal of a relationship shouldn’t be that the person we’re with lives up to being on the pedestal we’ve put them on. The goal should be a connection with who that person really is.
I know that when I first started doing videos on Youtube I was very over-the-top positive.
I had learned growing up that if you want to be an expert – especially in the world of self-help – you have to be happy all the time because that’s what influences people and shows you’re ‘perfect’.
‘Self-help = let’s all walk around smiling all the time’, I thought.
But that’s not what it is. And if you’re in the mindset, you’re missing the point.
People don’t have to be one way all of the time. Sometimes you’re not supposed to be at a peak level of happiness.
I like authenticity. I like seeing someone raw and uncut. That to me is where the real excitement is and where you really get to know and learn from someone (not from the polished, media version of them).
In our relationships we’re often looking for the ‘polished media version’ of someone.
We want our partners to live up to an idea we have of them (a fantasy we’ve created), instead of what they really are.
In doing this we end up enforcing all of our own personal rules, not allowing our partner the flexibility to express who they are authentically.
“You either want a relationship with the REAL ME, or you want a relationship with the idea of me.”
I see so many “gurus” begin to take themselves so seriously, losing their sense of humour.
I began changing my Youtube videos from over the top happy to the REAL me (sometimes funny, other times serious, occasionally earnest…). I did this because I didn’t want to be seen on some pedestal.
It doesn’t allow you to be human. You create a false perception of who you really are and I never want that to be the case.
I hope you can take the same stance with your relationships.
Stop trying to have a relationship with the IDEA of someone, and instead see them for who they really are.
When you allow yourself to do this, it’s far more interesting.
We get depth, diversity, and a whole range of emotions with someone.
My challenge to you (a challenge I’ll be taking up myself), is that when someone does something that doesn’t fit with your exact expectation of them, ask yourself whether you want a relationship with the idea of them or with the version of them that actually exists.
The latter will lead to a constant state of conflict any time they do something that goes against the way you think they should be.
Question of the day…
Have you ever felt people didn’t understand the full breadth of your personality? Tell me about it in the comments section below…
Dearest Matt,
I watch your videos daily and this is one of the best you have done. You really hit home with wanting our partner to fit our ideals which sometimes can be too high and unreasonable. I am noticing that I am guilty of that, constantly judging every guy’s every move, or lack there of. I went out on a nice date but the guy didn’t walk me to my car and I blew him off for that because good manners is such a big deal for me. Another time, on a Thursday night, I texted a guy to see if he would like to go to a concert with me on Friday. He didn’t get back to me till much later the following day saying it he can make it. I texted him saying I’ll meet him at 7pm and when he didn’t show up, I texted him and he responded that he thought it was for Saturday. He called and texted a few times to apologize but I lost interest, not to mention pissed, so I blew him off.
I am finding that I am cutting off guys too soon without getting the whole story because I immediately go into defense mode and think they are disrespecting me. I guess because I did let myself get disrespected constantly when I was much younger and don’t ever want to feel that again. But this video enlightened me in that I need to stop judging so early on and measuring every man to such a high ideal that is impossible to meet. Or at least give them another chance. Perhaps it was just an innocent oversight.
BTW, I love the little dialogues you have with Jameson at the end of the videos. You are ridiculously Funny! I did hear that about STDs being rampant at retirement homes.
I hope one of these days I get to meet you just to say thank you for your videos. I’m in awe that someone your age knows so much about dating and relationships and here I am at 41, continuously screwing up my love life! Hahaha!
Best wishes!
M
The confusing thing for guys about walking us to our cars and stuff, is that many women don’t expect and don’t even want men to do little things like that. And men aren’t taught to do them. It’s so hard for men to know whether they should hold the door open, for example, or whether they should carefully avoid doing that.
I could not agree more with you on this matter. I do agree with you often, but this time just hit the nail. And at the end of your video you comment about the classy old people, I don’t get it but I take it as a part of your personality, and I like your personality, so I accept the things I am not so keen on as a full package. What I am trying to say is that I learnt how to accept people with their great features and not so great ones. If I like a person I respect their opinions or anything else I don’t like, because I respect the person and their right to be themselves whether it resonates with me or not. And as well people’s mistakes or things I don’t like show me that they have the balls to express themselves, to be true themselves and or strand their grounds. Amazing, thanks for your contribution to our development! And today I have also learnt that very often I WAS creating an image or ideal of the people I found attractive, hence the disappointment later.
And as well as other women or girls commented, be who you are, because who you are is an amazing person.
Glad your staying you! It validates your point, what your saying works both ways as I spent my whole life trying to be the perfect person in my relationships. It didnt work I just became a nothing as I left no mark in their lives! Being you is what makes someone love you. Not your ideal of them or your ideal of you!
I have a quote that helps me remember this after trying to be perfect for so long…
I AM PERFECT IN MY INPERFECTION!
Keep up the great work, I wish you had your stuff on cd then I could play your pep talks when I have a wobble… Your for life not just till you get a man!! ;-)
Thankyou x
I loved it, Matt! Although I did like the over the top cheerful videos you made, mainly cause I felt your heart more. It really translated that you cared. A genuine sympathy for us women and an understanding.
But I also appreciate honesty very much, so be you! Whoever you are… haha!
I have often felt that people don’t know the full width of my personality. And I have three reasons for that; I’m shy so I’ve held myself back too much, especially in the past. I myself don’t know the full extent of my personality as it’s partly undiscovered and in continual growth. And lastly, you’d never show your entire personality to just one person (not even our partner) or you’d seam schitzo. Cause we people are so much! So much capability.
Love/ Kami
Btw, that color looks great on you! ;)
Love this :)
So, question. What I got from this is you should just let the little things that bother you about someone roll off your shoulders while you are getting to know them.
Is that what you mean? Just do that until you realize you either love them or can’t stand them? give people more of a chance and don’t be so picky?
This is why I love your videos. I’m always saying how real you are. It’s so easy to relate to. I’m definitely not one dimensional, so it’s always been important to me to show off the different aspects and sides of my personality. It’s so refreshing that you’re yourself and corky personality is why I’ve been watching your videos and went to your seminar and have your book! Thanks for always beening you!
I do but it’s ok as sometime I don’t understand them as well and sometime I don’t understand myself as well haha. I accept that part and that moment as I believe we are all on the process of learning. Sometime we being wierd to learn to be the better, no?
I love how real you are! I have always appreciated that!
Oh my gosh, Matt. This is exactly what I needed to hear. People can really wear you out with their expectations. It’s absolutely emotionally and physically draining to be “up” all the time–to be “on” every second you’re with someone. Authenticity begins to feel wrong, and that should never happen. I just split up with a guy who I thought was great, but I came to realize that he’d fallen for an image he had of me–that I was this ultra cool rocker chick that knew everyone who was worth knowing, and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, okay. I have style, and I have some friends who do fun things, and I do fun things, but at heart, I’m just a country girl. The urban rock-n-roll girl is only a small sliver of my personality. One can’t be ALL night life ALL the time. Once this guy figured that out about me, he seemed to lose interest and I had to break it off. I find it sad that anyone WANTS to be with a one-dimensional person.
wow! your post resonated with me. I also have a rocker style and my demeanor is more laid-back than the other girly-girl types in my area , because of that, guys have assumed that I’m a smooth- talker and a lot wilder than I actually am! LOl. When in reality, I am more reserved and it takes time to show that side of me. It confuses the hell out of them I guess.
My kindness and playfulness is often misunderstood as wanting to GET with them but in reality I’m just very playful. I also have to watch how touchy I am, for me it’s just a way of communication but for others it’s very intimate.
With all that said I feel it’s so important to remember that in life we aren’t always going to be INSANELY HAPPY and that’s ok that’s how it’s supposed to be. Just think if we are constantly happy how would we even know we are happy the key is to use the bad to get to the good. When you have a crap day ask, What is it I can learn from this? You may not learn anything except it sucks to have those days and then you remember, This bad day won’t last forever.
Part of loving someone is being able to Love the good and the bad. I hate to break to ya but there’s no perfect person and even if there was how fun is that?
Well made point. This is something I want to be aware of when considering a new relationship. Being the eternal optimist I am, I would expect the gentleman in the potential relationship to be aware of the tendency to see or fall for the ideal version of me as a potential pitfall. Which leads me to ask this how can any of us notice or be one aware of being idealized?
I like the color palate in this video. Well done Jameson.
I applaud you for taking this stance, Matthew. Please do not become a zombie! For as much as I’d love to go all Shawn of the Dead on you, I’d rather have you on my team. We could go get Cornettos together after some zombie-hunting ;)
Thank you for raising awareness on the STD problem at retirement homes =P
Love, love, love this video!
Cool
Absolutely!
I’m born in december. You know, the archer characters. I’m very flexibel, happy, cuorios of everything, always going for something, visionary – like seeing things ahead, and so on.
But people want to put me in a box saying: you should be like this, you should do like this, and so on.
Being me, you have to accept failure, that’s a part of life. But it doesn’t stop me, I will try to find a solution to it. But people say: Oh, god, now she failed again. Why don’t you just stay where you are!
That’s very frustrating. It’s like people doesn’t accept the real me.
What you see (today) is what I am (today)…I can do something else tomorrow! :-)
I like all your videos, but this one is my favorite thus far. :)