Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
My BF and I have been dating for a year. We spend weekends together at his house. When Monday morning comes I go home to my house. He works hard and says he needs his space during the week. This was ok for awhile but it has become old. According to him he loves me and we are working towards living together and eventually getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. Here’s the kicker….we are in our sixties. I say if we are in love we should be more than just weekend lovers. Seriously how much time do we have- 10, 20 years?? We need to enjoy each other now. Here is some added info… He has money probs and I have tons of money. So he thinks I should pay off his bills so we can travel for a couple of years, on my dollar. How stupid does he think I am? But the problem is that I do love him. I just don’t think he is being totally honest with me. Is it me he loves or the fact that with my resources he can retire and travel. Believe me I am not that dumb. I am not giving him money but I haven’t had the heart to break it off either. When I ask why we don’t spend Monday thru Thursday together he gets irritated and says we are working towards the whole enchilada. Even as I type this I realize how one sided this relationship is. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I walk away. He says he is committed And doesn’t lie and we are happy when we are together but the during the week I am totally miserable. Help!!
Hi Deedee,
most guys get comfortable with the ‘usual’ or status quo that they have reached in a relationship. If you don’t show him that ‘the usual’ has become unacceptable for you it will always go this way.
Maybe you could make yourself a bit more rare and break the pattern? I know it isn’t easy, because we as women start to miss time with our guy as we are more about ‘the other’ and most of men are more about ‘themselves’. What I found is that it is ok for them as long as the sexual life is still afloat.
To me in this case men are very superficial and it could feel pain-stalking for women, because we are two different species :-)
I agree with holding your money together, because a real man would never ask a woman for her money, even if she has more than him.
Since I don’t know what you are doing ‘during your days off from him’, and don’t know how you spend your time I’m not sure if I am suggesting something to you now that you may not already be doing.
Still here it is:
Go out on your own, meet with family and friends, have a good time without him, meet new people, sign up for a class that you may be interested in ….. Simply fill your life with activities that do not require him to be a part of. Tell him about it when you both meet again. Make sure you speak about ‘the object’ that you’ve visited, or the class that you’ve partaken in etc….. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE to invite him …. let him wonder if there are people that you might meet that could be ‘dangerous to the relationship’ …. You know what I mean ….
See if he is interested to participate in at least one of those activities with you, or even asks questions at all. This will tell you a lot, and who knows maybe you truly meet Mr. Right while being on your outings …. Then again, a woman has a hard time to change her heart ….
I had to move on too and believe me it was the hardest thing I had to do, but the guy just didn’t seem to be into me the way it was our first year together. We did live together but life turned out in a way that I felt very lonely while being in a relationship, because the emotional connection seemed to have cooled down much on his behalf, and when I say emotional I mean that loving feel that you get when someone is actually smiling and happy to be in your presence.
I believe in any case it depends of the type of personality of a men … some men are simply not happy to have a so called ‘settled down life style’ … And then when children are in the house the excitement to going out “just the two of us” no longer is an option either …. Some men go astray because of occurring problems at home, yet it’s the female who usually suffers all the pain, because she can’t just go off and leave the kids to themselves …. so we take things in like emotional punching-bags, but when that bag busts open WE’RE GONE!
I can’t suggest anything about whether it is a good thing to stay in this relationship, or to go and break it off. All I know is that the heart has to be ready to go consciously and peacefully, or it’s going to haunt us … well at least this is how it was for me ….
I then realized that albeit I was very, very conscious when I felt that I’d be okey without him, I still felt the pain of missing his presence in my life, and I still do at times ….. I did realize though that it’s not him par se, but I do miss the times that him and I made each other feel great …. As this was no longer the case towards the end of this relationship I also understand that the past will never come back … So am more peaceful and balanced on a daily basis without him, that’s for sure.
Hope my little insights here were helpful for you.
Wishing you all the best ….
Sexy and sixty? You go girl.
I have to agree – go out and have HEAPS of fun without him during the week. Plan your week and enjoy it. Meet new people – spend your money on wonderful experiences for YOU (DEFINITELY not him).
We spend too much time worrying and having angst about the man in our life. Do you think he’s worrying about you? Doesn’t sound like it. Seems like talking to him only makes him annoyed, so go and have fun and make a life for yourself.
Yes, you only have 10-20 years. Do you seriously want to wait around wasting the next 2-5 wondering about him? How about instead you keep dating him but let him sort his stuff out and he’ll present what he has to offer when he’s ready. Or he won’t. Either way – YOU focus on YOUR last 10-20 years. Enjoy it!!!
hi matt i´m from Colombia and i wish to share my experiece with you but first i have a question because i got confused about something: i meet a guy 3 years ago, we start great, things between us seems were going well we had sex in the 3rd date but he never mention a serius relationship even though that we share a lot of time together, so i told him that i was ready to move forward and he answer: “mmmm sorry i think that you are running why? what’s the hurry? if we are still knowing each other” and i though: this guy just got what we wanted in the first place, i’m an idiot!!
but 3 years later we start talking again and he calls just sundays or saturdays when he doesn’t have a plan but i feel that i love him and i know is wrong but i don’t know how to let him go…
that’s the kind of men i atract… as son as i date a guy they want sex and i don´t know exactly why??
my biggest question is why i can’t feel anything for a guy who show me that he is very interested, he cares about me, and he see me as his girlfriend and potential wife?? INSTEAD, i prefer bad guys without commitment
in their vocabulary??? i don’t know why??? should i say yes to the first guy just for sorry of because maybe i can get to feel something with time?
Learn this my sister, men must plan around your schedule and not the other way around. Want this guy, stop being so available! When he makes plans just in a sweet and sexy voice say you are sorry because you have other plans and would like to keep the commitment. However, if there is something legitimate why he cannot see you, have a text, phone, Facebook,Skye etc night together and have a lot of fun. Thx to Matt, my boyfriend plans 6 wks in advance and he place me on top priority of his list. He says, I have become so cool and so much fun!!
I honestly have to say that their is eleven that women can’t stand in a man. Given my experience and I have had plenty over the last 3 years. After 100 plus one time dates INCONSISTENCY is my HUGE PET PEEVE! I am not here to entertain you when everyone else is not available or you are just bored. I know that I am worth more, possibly why I am still single. I refuse to settle, and can read a man within the first few minutes. I can’t stand to go on a date only to not hear back from them. I move on and then weeks later they come out of nowhere and text(not even call) me and say simply “HEY”. REALLY????? That has not happened once or twice that happens just about one out of every couple men I date. I then respond with “I am sorry, who is this?” I either don’t get a text back, or I get “REALLY, you forgot about me already? WOW!” I mean come on what do these idiots take me for.
I will always remain single as long as I continue to get responses from men like this. I have dated lawyers, Doctors, Entrepreneurs, Salesmen…etc. I honestly think I could write a book myself, but it would only come across as bitter! lol
Hi April,
I had to a laugh when reading your post. You probably speak for many of us women here. I had that experience in a relationship. The guy could not get fast enough into my life and I let it happen because I knew him from my past and there was always attraction, otherwise he would have ended up nowhere with me, seriously. I thought his enthusiasm was due to us having seen each other in like twenty years, or so and then finding out we lived about two hours of a car ride away from each other. The relationship failed after moving together, because he ended up never wanting to make time to spend with me where it is just about the two of us. He could sit in one corner of the house and myself at the other. I am high quality when it comes to wanting to be asked and invited by a guy to enter his space when being in his studio for example. Everyone needs a place to retreat and I respect that. Don’t you hate guys that always come with the ‘busy-excuse’? I feel that these men that took so very long to get in touch with you are also some type of ‘busy’-types that are just too much into themselves that it would phase them that a woman actually like to interact, this is why I would add “Loving Communication” to the list, because if two people don’t manage, or have stopped to lovingly relate to each other relation-SHIP sinks :-(
Thanks for telling ‘your truth’. It’s refreshing to hear from women who aren’t willing to take any crap from a man, just so they can have a relationship. We need more woman with principles who stand firm ….. rather than acting as ‘sell-outs’ by making it too easy for a guy.
~ Namaste ~ ;-)
My sister, se the premise for what you want in a relation. I share my feelings respectfully and then watch him go to work. Try that next time…,,men thrives on taking leadership.
Hi Matt,
scratching from the list above although it’s hard, I could scratch three things under certain conditions.
1. Anger
The feeling of anger is a natural emotion … it ‘befalls’ anyone …. I would have to get to know someone and look how they deal with their anger. If they can deal with it in ways that it is NOT harmful for me, or the relationship, then ok. … be angry … I respect …. It’s natural…
2. Lazy
Again, two-fold thing … What is considered lazy?
What one finds to be a lazy person the other may perceive as just a period of NO DRIVE to partake in life the way it is right now…. If that so called person who is considered as lazy would make some changes in his life, and start to actually partake in activities, study something or find an occupation that is authentic to their talents and what they would love to do they would actually start to become active …. and not passive, which could come from something that is depressed and doesn’t have a chance to be lived to its fullest potential …. So “Lazy” I don’t know what to do with that word really …. It may be an emotional condition of boredom due to unhappiness about life in general …
3. Drugs …
Again, WHAT TYPE OF DRUGS?
I’m a ‘natural girl’ and I don’t even take ‘legal drugs’ when it contains chemicals, because they are just as bad and addictive as the illegal ones.
Any addiction is bad when it alters one’s well-being to partake in life and to feel joy just in case THE DRUG isn’t accessible … That goes for any type of medicine as well, just because some of them are accepted by society, while still causing paranoia and even more illness in people and may heal one part of the body while making another part sick ….? Not sure how to comprehend drugs … Alcohol is a drug, once it turns into addiction that a person has to drink every day … So this is a wide-spread theme ….
NOW, let get to the positive side and
Let me tell you my DOES, or MUST HAVES :-)
1. Loving Communication (includes to care to listen to how one of us feels without jumping to judgmental defense of the self. There is no attack, but the desire to be acknowledged for how I feel!)
2. Honesty (includes faithfulness and sincerity)
3. Sexual Chemistry
4. Being able to laugh together while spending lots of “You-and-Me”-Time together. Simply feeling in the flow with each other … no matter what we do together as long as one partner doesn’t have an aversion about something, after all it’s about togetherness :-)
5. Physical Hygiene
…. and everything else that above list shows excluding the three mentioned in my reply here.
Thank you for asking :-)
Laziness is laziness. He must always be doing something to occupy his time. A mind not used deteriorates which brings on depression, etc.
Deal Breaker I must keep: If the man I am dating doesn’t like kids…complete deal breaker. Althought I do not have children myself, I have 7 god children and 5 neices and nephews and they are always around. So becuase I have so many little people that are a big part of my life, I cant imagine being with someone who doesn’t like children.
Deal breaker that I should let go… but probably won’t:
Height requirement. Dont get me wrong there are some hot short men out there. I see a lot of other women who posted to this question have the same issue with height. I dont know if you can help liking tall men. But the shortest I have ever gone out with was 5’10”.
So, one of my main deal breakers is if a man is a good skier or not. I am professional skier and my skiing revolves around skiing in many ways. I tend to be in the mountains a lot, skiing at the resort or in the backcountry, and I love being able to do the adventures that Big Mountain skiing requires with my lover. Some of my friends and my parents say that I am limiting myself…this article got me to thinking, am I? Anyone have any thoughts on this? Much appreciation and gratitude! (:
Shanie, I bet if you met someone who really loved you, he’d want to learn how to ski. :-)
My deal breaker: on top of what was already listed, I would say one thing (or 2 things that i cant do without) are: my partner should not force his religious views onto me.
I am able to accept whatever religion that person is from, but I have my own beliefs and they should not try to change those. So probably I would not br able to have a good relationship with someone who is devout and is only willing to date someone from that same religion. They have to accept that I am buddhist. I have no intentionin converting anyone. If they want to ask me a question because they want to understand, then I will answer it. But ultimately it is their decision if they want to believe it or not. I just ask to be understanding that not everyone can think like them….
My second one that i cant do without, and i realize that this one is more of a physical trait, is for the person to stay healthy and not too over-weight. I am not asking for a muscle man (i dont even like that), I mean in the sense that they care about their health and is willing to take a walk with me/swim/kayak/etc. I take care of myself, tend to be active and consider myself healthy. Healthy can’t date unhealthy..
Something I can do without? Well I don’t really have a huge list of ‘deal breakers’ to begin with…so i’m not sure about this one…
Hey Matt,
one mayor deal breaker for me is whining. No matter how much i fancy a guy, as soon as he starts whining its like a bucket of iced water over my head … brrrr
another one is pessimism. I am a happy and cheerful person and I really dont want an emotional vampire sucking all the lightness out of me.
What I do love in a guy is when he is passionate about something, no matter how small or silly. Passion is soooo attractive :o)
As well is laughing eyes… i so couldnt do without either.
Love your posts and your book… :o)
Christy
Including the one listed is a negative person, because they will be a miserable person all the time and make your life miserable as well. Life is too short and opportunities do not come every day.
Hi Mat!
A very interesting and important topic indeed, I really enjoyed the comments as well! As for you question, I would leave in the list only the respect-related deal-breakers like lying, cheating, rudeness, infidelity, being mean spirited and racist and scratch the rest. I truly believe that respecting somebody and therefore not wanting to hurt them (including respecting their feelings and thoughts, and acknowledging them for who they are) are the main prerequisites for a loving and lasting relationship.
As for the must have’s in a romantic relationship I would rather identify with what Yvonne said that sharing (and wanting to share) a loving communication (including being able to laugh together about anything) and sexual chemistry are deal-makers. I believe also that these two are interconnected.
Thanks for the great topic and keep doing your thing!
hey matt,
for me the thing that i can’t stand in a guy( other than some, you have listed) is jealousy , the bad one, the one that keep you from breathing, until it becoms paranoia.
that just kills the relationship in my opinion.
(Clearly I’m reading this way late, but whatever… I’m commenting anyway!)
My major top two deal breakers are unemployment and living at home with the parents. Unfortunately, I’m in my mid 20s in California, and my social circle tends to include this pool of people, so I’ve broken this rule a couple of times and it usually bites me in the a$$. I’m a responsible, independent person, and I think it’s fair to hold a partner to the same standard.
The deal breaker I’ve been pushing myself to drop however is to instantly reject “bro” types before even talking to them. Basically the muscle-bound jock/frat boys always remind me of jerks I used to know in high school, but it is clearly time to move on from that stereotype and open up the possibility for a connection.
-Sarah
Hey Matt help me please, i met someone and we were really into eachother, now he has cooled on his heels, his ex wife is poisoning his kids little minds against us, he says he needs time to sort his head out and to settle the kids, leave it a few weeks and see.. (They still house share) Sounds like a brush off to me altho he says it isn’t..what do u make of it in ur expert opinion of mens minds?..
Janey! They still house share???????? Run!!!!
Fine way of describing, and pleasant piece of writing to take facts regarding my presentation topic, which i am going
to convey in school.
As an American, there is a great divide in this country between conservatives and liberals. I am the only liberal in my family and couldn’t date someone with the Rush Limbaugh mentality. First of all they are often racists and certainly don’t respect women. So, that is my only deal breaker, because to me, conservatives lack empathy.
OOOOOH – I so want to talk to you, but this is not that kind of website…Sigh…
Deal breaker #1 Lying. I try to never ever lie. It’s about self discipline and it’s a great way to keep your inner self happy. I believe that lying is some sort of a mental illness.
Deal breaker #2 Lacking intelligence. When I mean intelligence, I don’t mean clever jokes, nor witty remarks or superficial understanding of things. I want very deep analytical skills. Otherwise I get bored.
Deal breaker #3 Flirtatious Man. I like the friendly type not the flirtatious type.
Oh
Wow, so many have been weighing in. Here is mine. I feel that if I really listen, my inner knowing knows well who and which one is a keeper. She just knows :)
One deal breaker I cannot live without is the chemistry. If without chemistry, really what’s the fun of having a close intimate r/o with the other person??
The other one aside from the list is emotionally available and the capacity to stick with me when I’m in my low point of my life. This is very important to me!! If you cannot stick with me for my worst of self, then you don’t get the best of my self. And my best self is really really wonderful. My worst self is the common rough spots people would normally experience in life. Hence, loyalty and dependability and emotional and financial support are very important to me especially in my tough times.
I have to agree with Randa with her saying that pessimism is a huge turn-off for me and I have had problems with it in my past relationships. I am naturally an optimistic person, and being around a man that is constantly pessimistic is very stressful and tiring for me.
One deal-breaker that I can do without is having a relationship with a man that is shorter and younger than me. Honestly, when I think about it I find this deal-breaker silly; I have no idea why I had this deal-breaker.
My deal breaker is a guy shorter than me. I’m 1.68 (5.6) so not exactly short and with heels even taller (obviously). I am currently married to a guy the same height as me (we’re busy getting divorced after 24 years) and height did seem to impact on our relationship negatively e.g. in shopping centres he would walk behind me rather than next to me, never wanted to hold hands and when we went out smartly dressed (seldom) it didn’t look right and I was embarrassed to introduce him to my work colleagues. Clearly there were other issues in his personality as well that contributed to the latter comment.
I’m shallow I know.
Deal Breaker:
Not doing what he said he would do, especially if it was his own, unsolicited idea brought to me.
Hits me on quite a few levels.
Disrespectful
Do you think I am stupid not to remember what you said?!?
A form of LYING
Loss of trust
Disappointment
Disillusioned
Loss of respect for him – not true to his words
Second guessing – can I believe anything he says?
Etc.
If I cannot take a person on his/her word, what use is that person in my Life? I need integrity from people…