Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
Hi Matty!
My Deal breakers: unrespectful, dishonest, unfaithful
Must haves: gentleman, love kids and animals (because i truly believe that who doesnt like these 2, doesnt have a good heart), good heart, playful, responsible, love life.
:) is it too much? ^_^ normally, guys say that im too good…like a negative way! i dont know! but i like my stantards…and maybe thats their breakdeal…! Thanks for your advice! Hope u are having a nice day! Kisses*
One deal breaker I can’t let go of is not having career motivation/drive for your future. I cannot stand guys who have no idea what they’re doing with their lives or are content in a low paying job. (Background: I’m only a college student so I look for guys who make an effort with things like internships instead of having a part-time job)
However, I could live without demanding a guy who skis or snowboards. Both sports are my passion and I would really like to have someone to enjoy these activities with but I guess it’s not really necessary.
all of the previously mentioned are my deal-breakers but some more are negativity ,lack of passion for life ,lack of ambition and selfishness of course!
some of the things that I love in a guy are responsibility,understanding,being playful and good-willed,generosity,and to appreciate my personality and my uniqueness!
Hey There! In addition to the above listed deal breakers, I would add selfishness and smokeing. A man smelling of cigarette is another form of bad B O in my book. ;)
Best,
Kristine ooxx
Another to add to the list…
Inability to Experience Joy!!!
Some people, both men and women are unable to truly be happy, regardless of what is going on in their lives. Nothing is every good enough or they are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find this sad.
Thanks Matt!! Love the posts!!!
I would add smoking and excessive drinking as a big deal breaker for me as it does not go with the value system I would like for my family. Also you need to be passionate about life and be goal oriented. Life is valuable and shuold have great meaning to the individual. No matter what happens there is always something to live for.
The things I struggle with…I have always stayed away from dating people who are divorced. It has nothing to do with the persons themselves, but more with my upbringing and religious beliefs. Married till death do us part. I would like to offer that to someone and to have that in return. So I take a hard look at someone before getting into a committed relationship and if I can’t see myself with you just chilling and reminising about our joys, struggles, passions etc as we grow old, then I tend not to pursue it.
For me the one deal breaker I don’t want to give up is that I need the man I’m with to take responsibility and take charge. The one that I can give up would probably be guy who smokes, although it is a tough one for me.
It’s the immaturity I can’t stand. Most bad male behavior stems from immaturity. From pouting when they don’t get sex, to their inability to say ‘no’ to their friends, to their silly little head games that they play when they don’t get what they want, to their desire to be consistently mothered, to their absurd man/child behavior when they’re in public places, to blaming women for the fact that they can’t get laid.
I’m not saying all men are like this, but gees many of them are and then they wonder why women don’t like them? And blame them for it, rather than look in the mirror (another example of immaturity).
Thankfully I found a great one, no immaturity to be found, just a loving, caring, respectful, intelligent, successful man. They are out there ladies.
Love your comment. It looks like we all have been there and many guys are simply IMMATURE. Wish you all the best! x
Deal Breaker: if he does like animals, sorry but I have had a dogs or cats in my life since I was born, if you have no respect for them there’s the door. they were here before you & likely long after you. You dont have to love them but please have respect for them.
oops it was supposed to say if he doesn’t like animals not does.
First of all I love you! Your amazing haha and I don’t feel like I really need help with guys as much as I just enjoy your theories and your brain.
Your book pops in my head too many times a day I’m always thinking ah. Mathew said this and mathew said that! And this is coming from a person that doesn’t like talking advice from people haha
Anyway! If I was to live with a deal breaker I guess I can do lazy or even racist
I’m currently seeing someone that’s his deal breaker is drugs man! I really hate it and I feel like as you said two people’s values should be similar , out idea of fun I feel should be similar. Agh anyway thank you thank you xxx
Hi Matthew i hope you have a really Nice day.
But i have one question for you what can you do if your parents get divorce?
I mean what can you do to handle it better? They Get now relationtherapy but it’s really hard for uss because sometimes i Get so angry for That and than i can’t handle myself i’m Also frustded because i can’t no to talk About it only my twinsister and my older sister and my Mother but they are Also stuck in this routine what can i do??
My internship Goes good Ok you have boys Who act very childish it’s very iriteded sometimes and they think more with there underside if you know what i mean -____- Luckly i think more with my brains haha :P
Have a Nice day Matthew lovely Greetz Thirza
Must have:
Emotionally available.. If divorced, it must have been final for absolutely no less than 6 months, preferably 12 months or more.
Nice to have: Nice chest hair =)
Deal breaker- If he ever hits me that’s a deal breaker. i’d rather he cheats than hits be, still if he cheats once I can tolerate that, if you’re cheating twice or more than that then you clearly don’t know what you want or aren’t satisfied with what you have.
I’m not sure what I need to let go of. don’t have that many deal breakers
Why man can just be honest and say what they need to say .
And why do they need to communicate with you by text .
cause they are only using us.meet for sex and a meal and txt during week to make sure we are home and be there for them.i’m done with it now and wish u well.
agreed!! Texting is too easy. It makes it super easy for them to lie, go out and cheat, and see other women at the same time. If he’s really into you, he’ll call, even if it’s only at night to hear your voice before he goes to sleep.
yes and to make sure were not out and on call for them 24/7,told my guy i’m sick of only seeing in my appartment and want to go out guess what he said………am i drunk or what.that was on text last night.
i find u attractive and want to see you only but i don;t want full on relationship. thats so much a deal breaker.
Great eye-opening post. I used to have so many (which I now find to be ridiculous) dealbreakers: being shorter than me, having too much facial hair, having too little facial hair, having a crooked pinky toe…the list was endless. No wonder I’m 42 and still single!
Now, the only other deal breaker for me, apart from the top 10 “Can’t Stand” list you mentioned, is someone who really wants kids. I’ve known since I was 12 that I wanted to be child-free, so being with someone who wants such a divergent lifestyle wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
A deal breaker for me is extreme jealousy. I once dated a guy who called me 24/7 and texted me all day just to make sure I wasn’t with anyone else. I can honestly say I haven’t been jealous in past relationships, probably because I haven’t been in love. I feel like jealousy comes from insecurities that we as humans experience once in a while. Another deal breaker for me Is someone who is too clingy or attached, but I guess I’m willing to let that one go because I have realized that maybe it sounds a little silly.
Well, reading some of these posts shows that we are all different! I wouldn’t go out with a guy that smokes but think I can lower my expectation of a man who’s as much into music as me. It could be good that we are into different things and who knows, we can show each other new things ;) Keep up the good work Matt :)
For me respect is huge when it comes to guys. If he doesn’t respect the people he’s closest to or even people he doesn’t know very well, what does that say about how he’s going to treat you? So that’s one deal breaker that I for sure stand by. The one that I’m willing to let go of is he should be as into music as I am, which is a lot.
Hope life treats you well this week Matt. :)