Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
Hi :-)
I would keep these deal breakers:
1. Disrespect (respect is the pillar of any kind of healthy relationship. It shouldn’t ever be undermined!
2. Being put on the back burner
And then, there is poor hygiene (just because I think it’s a major turn off)
Hi Matt,
My dealbreakers are: disrespect and immaturity.. My ex wouldn’t recognize my opinion on where to stay and would often make multiple plans for
one evening whilst making plans with me. Once he left me alone at a
concert to go drinking with his colleague. and every new year’s eve plan would be a misadventure, something would go wrong somehow as he wanted to party all the time, he once got himself locked up in my friend’s toilet and they had
to break the door to get him out.
Mine firm deal breaker is ignorance of art.
Recently a guy started chatting me up in the street. He was doing a pretty good job impressing me with his self-confidence and I would have ignored many missing tics from my must-have list, yet he did one crucial mistake. At some point he confessed he “doesn’t know much” about contemporary art and asked to explain it. I took dance as an example saying it doesn’t always have a straightforward plot line but that’s even better as there’s more space to take wild guesses. He cheered up for a moment as if understanding the idea and said “oh, it’s like pornography!” Seriously?!
I’d never get rid of my #1 deal breaker, Lying. But I have given in on my “Height” deal breaker.
Hi Kelly,
You’ve just opened up your dating world. Congrats and thanks for sharing!
x
Hi
This topic reminded me of a sore subject I’ve been dealing with recently. Not to long ago I broke up with a guy because he started to display half of deal breakers shown. Yet, I can’t help the feeling like I ended the relationship too early. I mean he was a nice guy. Can a guy be a good boyfriend and slip in some deal breaking qualities? Or am I just feeling so post breakup doubt?
Top Dealbreakers: Poor oral hygiene, Poor communication skills, lack of intelligence
Not that important anymore: body type, height, education
He has to be honest in a polite way. i hate liars and cheaters.
i think i’d be willing to give up that he has to like country music. i am a huge fan of country guys and nothign is better than a country guy in jeans, boots,and hat with a truck and/or a horse. however i’m willing to compromise in hopes that maybe i’ll find someone still good enough who might change my look or maybe i’ll change his.
Hi Mat,
A deal breaker for me would be dating a tight-ass! When someone’s tight with their money, they’re usually tight with their feelings and time as well.
It’s a package deal.
An area l’m willing to overlook these days is eye colour. I used to have a fixation with blue eyes!
Hi Matthew,
For me the top deal breaker would be smoking.
However, lately I’ve realized I can’t be with negative people, overly clingy and jealous.
As for the one that I can let go of, should be: Age.
I dated guys who were my age or older, but hopefully there are younger guys who would be interested in me too :p (if dating older women isn’t a deal breaker for them haha)
Thanks for sharing and hope to see u again soon!
Hi there! And thank you for all newsletters, articles and videos! They are really helpful and they changed a lot of my way of thinking. In fact, I have already bought your book – Get The Guy – and I can’t wait to receive it and read it!:)
I agree with all the deal breakers above and I also have one of my own which I have to admit it makes my love life veeeery difficult: I don’t want to have sexual relationships before marriage. It is not only because my religious beliefs (I’m Orthodox and don’t think that I look weird or something, I am attractive, I’m smart, I have a good sense of humor and men like me), but also because I don’t want to have multiple sexual partners in my life. I am a romantic person and I really wish I have intimacy only with my husband. The thing is… this is exact thing that put men off once they meet me. They tell me that they are attracted to me, they love me, but… they can’t be in a relationship with me because they want to explore their sexuality and that the relationship wouldn’t last without us being intimate. This thing breaks me down and I know I just can’t do a compromise about it because I wouldn’t feel good about me and this would affect my partner as well.
The deal breaker that I can let go is looks. I don’t need a man with pretty face or perfect body.
I have to say that I understand where you’re coming from. Although I did not wait until I was married, I have decided not to have sex again until I was married. I have discovered that although I believe sex is a very healthy and natural part of a relationship, I also want to make sure he is the right one before I marry him. Now, let me tell you, this is not only harder than it seems, but its also difficult to explain to men. They don’t seem to get why I won’t sleep with them if I am not a virgin and I usually end up going on one or two dates and that’s the end of that. I think, however, that if he’s really worth my time and energy the sex thing won’t matter so much to a quality man.
I tried online dating ONCE. I have been told to be careful with personal identifiers online such as your exact age, your occupation and your location of residence. The one person I agreed to meet called me a liar because I did not post my exact age online and within 1/2 hour of meeting him would not disclose my location of residence. I did tell him I would be happy to tell him at the end of our initial meeting if I decided I did indeed actually like him. This was not good enough for him and he left making a big scene leaving me the bill and texting back that I am a liar and he would call the cops if I contacted him. Obviously I did not! Thought on this?!
You had a lucky escape.
If anyone behaves like that.. In short he doesn’t take “no” for an answer, there is something seriously wrong with him.
He would have behaved the same in other things too.
You were and you are right to protect yourself.
If a man doesn’t accept that, he is wrong kind of man, and you don’t need him.
As long as he has a great sense of humor, nothing else matters.
Haha! This is a great topic, Matt. As someone who is a grandmother, and dating a younger man, I have to say that age was one of the dealbreakers that I totally let go of.
And I simply must have honesty and integrity, because that is what I bring to the table myself. I want to be with someone who treats me as well as I do them. Anything else is negotiable!
Hi Mathew,
I am dating this guy. the first time we met, he was like a crazy frog. After a few months he doesn’t want to talk to me or call me.. I called him what happened he said nothing and he always make lame excuses. He told me that he still loved me and want to spend the rest of his with me. But, i felt that he don’t love me anymore.
I really need your help Mathew!!!
Hi Rosella,
I had that same experience in my last relationship. He could not get fast into my life, after moving together after one year into the relationship everything went down-hill. His attitude towards me changed drastically when it came to personal attention, and loving communications. He was a very busy person, which is ok as it means he is taking care of things, but when there was spare-time he hung out in the house by himself and I felt really rejected that I had to be the one to initiate time together, which often ended up that he went to bed even later than myself, so we never really cuddled that often anymore. I felt totally neglected. When he came home from work I did not even get a hug and a kiss unless I initiated it. He just seemed to feel like not wanting that type of closeness anymore, unless it was in the sexual department.
He was walking around with this serious face all the time and it seemed that my daughter and I were in his way. He would also not let me help with anything much because he thought that people make mistakes and he doesn’t want to get angry with me if things break while he was renovating the house. He had no confidence that I was capable of doing things, too which is total bananas since I am an artist and I can paint walls beautifully.
I don’t know what all this was, but my daughter and I eventually left, since he seemed to have a crazy attitude to life and people in general, complained all the time about other people’s whereabouts which is actually none of his business. One can cause it’s own thought-up drama, which ended in the result that I was also wrongly accused of cheating! Not sure if he just said it to get rid of us, or if he cheated himself …. All I know is that this man sent mixed messages to me most of the time and it was beyond frustrating and hurtful for me. He was never there for me emotionally. This closeness and trust in him that he would never hurt my feelings, reject and abandon me just feel through. I felt really scared and paranoid at the end of it all … How could someone proclaim to be in Love with me and at the same time be so emotionally distant? while at the same time giving a particular ex-girlfriend compliments on FB while totally ignoring any type of graphic artwork (not even as far as an I LIKE) that I did for him?
When probing him about the ex he just used it as an excuse to call me ‘insecure’ and kept on doing his thing. I got so tired of it! Up to this day I still don’t know if his cheating accusation towards me what simply a ‘male strategy’ to break-of the relationship or if he actually believed his own crazy thoughts, which in terms of how he tries to sell his negative thoughts about others as THE TRUTH, it may very well been that he truly believed his own thought-up lie about me. How knows? He never explained to me what exactly made him think that, no evidence of anything, of course not …
I went through an emotional hell because of all this …. and I am still not really over that. When I used to think that men are NOT TO TRUST and are mainly liyars and cheaters, believe me, I am even more imprinted with that thought now, after having had that type of experience ….
In your case, just don’t put too much stake into this guy, he probably is on his “Emotional High Wave” when he tells you all these nice things, and when he is down on that wave he feels possibly negative, or nothing about anyone or anything but it just into himself ….
It’s up to you if you want to spend time with someone like this, or even consider such unstable personality into your life.
For my part …. I HAD ENOUGH! although I still feel love for him, which is beyond me…. really …
Have to clean-out my emotional field somehow, get someone to do energetic work on me, so I can finally let him go ….
Love should never hurt, because if it does it’s not love but a situation where two people’s frequencies just cause havoc and often are not in alignment …. Sure people can work through this, but BOTH parties have to be able to step outside of themselves and actually find the relationship valuable enough to WANT THIS by communicating lovingly with each other to truly get to know the other what their DOs and DON’Ts are and it must be conversed in a non-judgmental way …. also by giving every one the chance to speak and to listen to each other … it has to be about the relationship as a whole, not the EGO of each individual …
Most men aren’t capable, so I found out, because they are not emotionally open when it comes to talking about theirs, that’s why they defend through blaming and self-righteousness…..
Society should really start to teach Psychology in school and speak about behavioral forms whereas boys growing into men finally GET IT that feelings are just as important as the intellect and the Money-Making Business …. Seriously!
Hope this helps you.
Best of wishes,
Yvonne
Hei Matt,
Short hair used to be a deal breaker for me. That is one thing I decided had to go.
One deal breaker I think should stay and be even more important is lifestyle hygiene: obviously, he doesn’t have to be always making the healthy choice in everything, but to be active, positive, eat well and avoid addictions is a must.
Thanks for the tips, they are not only useful, but also amuse me quite a bit!
Cheers!
Hey Matt!
I love this because since my recent breakup people have been telling me I’m just too picky- which I’m not, at least I don’t think I am. I want someone who is patient, kind, intelligent, and respectful, but among my must-haves is a preference for people who like animals, and someone who has their life together.
I am unsure as to the importance of caring for animals, because to me it is an aspect of my life that I have always enjoyed. I have pets back home, which I have raised since their birth, who I do not think I would be able to give up. I do think, however, demanding that someone has their life completely together is something I could do without. I have come to realize that I don’t have my own life all figured out so I should not expect the same of another person. I have student loans which I am still accumulating, will likely move back in with my parents for a while after law school, and am a bit insecure about myself- so how can I expect someone to be perfect when I am far from it myself? I think I will change this must-have to something more reasonable like he must be goal oriented or financially responsible for his means, something more targeted towards being open to imperfection, but at the same time requiring someone who won’t just sit on his couch all day and treat me like garbage either.
Deal breakers: unfaithful, dishonest, unhegenic, aggresion, undemostrive, selfish bad with money (first things that spring to mind)
Must haves: faithful, trust, itegrity, kind hearted, fun, freedom and breathing space, a good sex life, attraction, compatability, openess, a job or working towards something he finds meaningful in life, consideration, focused on taking care of himself (health)
Hi Matt,
Honestly, when I get to know the guy, and find out that I’m into him, there are no deal breakers. Everything else can be talked about and solved with communication and love. :) Thank you so much for your posts and everything you share with us. We appreciate it!
Much success to you ;)
Hi
i agree with what is said but i need a bit of advice on the intermitacy side i don’t wana be having intercourse with a guy befor marriage oh i am a muslim so that is the reason for it mainly but how do i get around this issue most men want to go all the way and then freuently i was suppose to get a call back but never did
Hi Fozia,
from what you wrote I understand that you place your religion before any so called Don’t, or Do-es ….
How about looking to date men that are acceptable of your own religious concepts? Then you may still apply the Do-es, or Don’ts? This way you may narrow your experiences of not being called back?
I personally am non-religious and it is hard for me to think that I have to marry someone first, to make that true commitment and then a very important aspect “Intimacy’ may turn out to be a really bad experience …then you’re married, then what?
I truly believe that woman are to start to stand in their own power and to stop allowing men, or anything that is based on concepts of the ruler-ship of men being imprinted upon us through programming …. Every-thought-concept, every environmental structure, anything that men created all on their own only holds the View-Point and Perspective in it HOW MAN SEE THE WORLD, and cannot cater to the well-being of women when we are never being asked what it is that we would like to see in your world, or how we see ourselves living our lives in happiness and joy.
The only way peace and love is brought into this world if both genders are interested to learn about what it is the other needs to feel Happy and Satisfied about life.
I can’t tell you what to do, or how to keep a guy interested, because it even fails when you don’t wait until marriage … Men in general are not faithful by nature …. so they often move on for any superficial reason, midlife-crisis etc. … Too much stress at home because of the kids, money problems, feeling inferior because they don’t earn enough to buy all the he wants to provide for …. Loosing a job, as it makes him feel like a loser, because he felt he lost a competition etc, …. This has nothing to do with whether one person is religious, or not! – It doesn’t make you a better person, it doesn’t make any man a better person ….
I believe that the best people we can be is if we are living our lives through truly getting to know ourselves, WHO WE TRULY ARE inside of us, THE TRUE CORE ESSENCE OF OURSELVES, and what it is that is most important for us as an individual …. and then voice this, stand for it, live it and show it authentically!
It’s honesty to the self and honesty to others, because they will have the ability to perceive us exactly for WHO WE ARE. This goes for both genders …
No bad surprises later on but simply authentic and true.
If you can attract someone BECAUSE OF WHO YOU TRULY ARE, YOUR TRUE PERSONALITY, not what people expect you to be, or the role that you are to play to be satisfying your surroundings, the expectations of others upon you … NO …. YOU …. THE WOMAN …. the strong woman to stand for yourself …. because no-one else can live your life for you, and any decision you will ever make is one that you will have to live with ….
That’s why I don’t let anyone make decisions for me, although I am interested to hear other’s opinions …. they still don’t have to live with the decision I AM Making, so when I am true to myself the decision making is also of my own making ….
Get to know yourself Fozia and what you truly want in life, live that and the ‘right guy’ will come into your life who loves you for who you truly are, not for what you are pretending to be for him … It’s dishonest …
I will always tell that to all woman who ask how to find the right guy.
I MUST BE RIGHT WITHIN FIRST, before I can expect anyone to be right with me and for me :-)
Hugs and Peace to you ♥
Hi Fozia,
Your decision to have sex only after marriage is honorable and worthy of respect. A guy who genuinely likes you will respect your choices, and will understand that you want to wait sexually. I suggest that you practice a firm but gentle way of telling guys that you practice abstinence before marriage. The guys who hear this message and do not call you back, are clearly not on the same page as you, and are probably not marriage minded anyway.
You deserve the best. Stick to your guns baby.
I am 5 ft 11 in tall so off the bat, my deal breaker is that he has to be taller than me. I married short and thought it did not matter but in the end, I never felt safe and secure. I am fit as well so I would expect my partner to respect his body enough to take care of it as well as I take care of mine. Is that asking too much? It doesn’t help that I have pretty much “aged out” of the online dating pool as I turned 50 last year. Most cutoff ages for men, even in their 50s, is 49. Typical.
Donna, I can understand your dilemma as I am 5’9″ I also stay in shape. I try to go for the taller man as well. I love the feeling of feeling safe and secure. Unfortunately I have never dated a man that was taller than me aside from an inch or two. I have to make it very clear if I do the online dating that I am 5’9″ because I have been walked away from, told “wow I did not know you were that tall,” only to never hear from a man again. It’s hard, and really eats at your insecurities. I also have had men that say “I LOVE a tall woman” only when you meet they say. “UM you are very tall” Really?? What part of 5’9 did you not get???
I wonder all the time is it my height that is keeping me from experiencing true love?? Why am I cursed with this?? What did I do so wrong? It’s hard….I can totally sympathize. I don’t think 50 is too old to be out of the dating scene. Try the site “Our Time” possibly that may help.
I think there should be a site for tall people only! lol
Maybe with retired basketball players looking for love!
Good luck!! :)
Perhaps it is the basketball or volleyball players are for you guys. But I really believe that there is a very good reason why you guys were born this way, and I truly believe that we will only know the reason when it happened to you guys. I think be patient and be happy being single for the time being, ladies. We all want a man in our lives, but maybe it is the single time now that we have and should enjoy while we can. Enjoy and Celebrate your height! (I am a short girl – 159cm and I can never reach the standing holder in the bus to hold on to. I have trouble too =))
Vain. Give yourself a chance to have true live