Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
If I like the guy there are no deal breakers.
HI Susan,
That’s the best comment I’ve read so far. Thanks for sharing! x
I am quite a deep and spiritual person and I feel the most important thing i want is a good, big heart, humour and a powerful connection. I just believe existing and ‘being’ with someone no matter what the other superficial differences maybe is a wonderful feeling – esp when the other person feels as zen as you do about it all. I’d rather focus on those things and i feel the other good qualities are a natural branching out from a good, big heart. :)
A deal breaker for me would be a negative mindset, I can’t stand someone that turns any little thing into a nightmare.
A suppose ‘deal breaker’ I would be willing to let go is selfishness as odd as that is. I’ve always grew up on the follower role and providing for someone elses benefit. So being a bit selfish wouldn’t bother me much.
my deal breaker is when u make me to feel undesirable or unimportant, I think telling liars is not that bad, I can do with it.
my deal breaker is when u make me to feel undesirable or unimportant, I think telling liars is not that bad, I can do with it. Thanx for listening
I totally agree!
I believe dialogue will solve any deal breaker.
Hi Wanda,
Thanks for commenting!
x
Dialogue won’t solve short…or cheap
No one else seems to be saying it, so I will. I think both of yours are rather shallow. 6’3″-6’5″… whatever floats your boat – you might as well say: no nose hairs, Irish, have perfect abs, only blue eyes, etc. And ‘cheap’ is highly sub-subjective. Basically, I hear only wealthy basketball players need apply. There are just so many other ‘quality-traits’. Again, whatever floats your boat! Good luck to you.
Mathew, you are very insightful & diplomatic!
Hiya,
I have 3 deal breakers. It may sound a lot on top of the 10 listed, but it is not really!
1. If a guy insists he will do anything and everything for you. – He:
(a) either thinks that he is close to being your God and can make all things work for you. – The hidden agenda is he expects you to worship him and obey him whatever he orders you to do or not do – not just adore and admire him!
(b) or he is fooling you just to get close to you!
I prefer guys who are ground, and tell me exactly what I can expect from him, and be real and true to me.
2. Guys who complaint about everything but do not take actions to deal with his discontent! – For example, if he bought a TV which is faulty, he complained to you but would not fight for his consumer rights! This kind of guys is pure talking and pipe-dreaming. How unproductive is his life!
3. Guys who are sexist! – Because you are a woman, he expects you to live in the kitchen to do the cooking, washing-up, cleaning, ironing, etc. The modern term on this is a tweak version of ‘domestic goodness’. I think Nigella Lawson confines DG to good women cooks, but this type of guys go much further! They are properly egoistic simply because they are men and this is their standard of how women should live! They would not mind if you also earn salaries, and pay half-of-all-bills on top of being his servant! Can you imagine living with someone who expects you to make him teas whenever he asks! Thinking about me being a 1950s housewife is horrible!
Matthew, being a high value woman, I can still be able to get the guy I want without compromising on these, right?
Matt, the thing about deal breakers is that by definition, they are things that ruin it for you. If its an actual deal breaker, it’s not something you can just change your mind on because its something that completely turns you off beyond repair; so much so that it overshadows all the good attractive qualities you liked in the first place.
Thus, I feel like a deal breaker is more than just a dislike… A deal breaker is a “game over” kind of thing… Something you can’t get around.
I think it’s good when a woman is honest with herself enough to identify this turn-off and NOT bend to make it last with someone who has a quality that will always bother her… Just to appease a man that is not right for her. It shows confidence & strength if she can walk away.
That being said, if she knows what those deal breakers are… In general you can get pretty good at spotting them early on.
Personally, I prefer to focus on what are the “must haves”… So generally the opposite of that would effectively be a deal breaker.
Must Have #1: Tall. 6’3-6’5…. It’s not that I “don’t like short guys.” It’s more that, I’d only notice & be attracted to a guy in that range.
Must Have #2: Generous. Cheap is the biggest turn off ever. It says “You’re not worth it.”… So how can I get excited about that? It’s actually impossible, therefore: deal breaker :)
Racist, cheating, smoking would be on the top of my list. Why the hell isn’t racist higher up? That’s an extremely unattractive trait.
Hey Matt! This post could not have come at a better time. In fact, I was going to ask you to do a segment on this as well as how a man should treat a woman he cares about.
In any case, I’ll get on with it. My dealbreaker is disrespect and lack of interest. If a man has disrespected me or mistreated me in any way, any attraction I feel for him is gone. As well, if he is with me and pays little or no attention to me, this also becomes a huge turn off!!!
A dealbreaker I could probably do without is that he must be taller than me. I suppose it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I had to be the one to bend down and kiss him on the cheek! ;) ;)
Good to hear from you again and take care! :)
Hi Matthew,
Firstly, I just wanted to say I really enjoy your writing, you always provide some insightful information that I never really thought of before. Thanks for all the help you are trying to provide to others.
One thing I wanted to get your opinion about, which you touched upon “opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common” — in your opinion, do you think differences and being opposites is a good thing in the long-term? Or do you think people are better matched when they’re more alike?
I definitely feel like in the beginning of relationships, differences can be exciting, but I’m not sure if this is actually a great thing in the long-term?
Thanks, & best wishes for 2013 :)
Hi Chloe,
Each relationship is different. There isn’t a magic formula for how much you have to have in common to make a relationship work. The best thing to do is keep a open mind when meeting potential partners.
Thanks for commenting!
x
I believe you make yourself a better person, set your own standards and values. It is not about the way people treat you it is about the way you ALLOW people to treat you. When you meet someone and you “click” if you really care for each other then you have to walk the same path. Walk the path together. Live, Love, Laugh and be Happy. Always put each other first, then the “deal breakers” become insignificant. As for making him a cup of tea. What the hell if you love him make him a potfull.
Well and succinctly put!
I’ve also got a few more deal breakers. I can’t stand men/women without
-) social skills: comfort your girlfriend instead of walking out of the room if she’s crying
-) very low self-confidence: sooner or later they start to pick on you and bring your self-confidence down (at least to their level)
-) the ability to self-reflect: you will always be the bitch if you point out things you don’t agree with. they always want to be right and their opinion has to be always unquestioned
-) beeing able to accept and deal with the fact, that their behaviour has always (positive or negative) consequences: it’s always the fault of other people if something goes wrong or if that behaviour isn’t very well accepted
just my opinion.
woops. mistake :)
i can’t stand men/women without any self-confidence
I find that good guys are always attracted to me and I can recognize them. But I ended up leaving them before they do that to me ! bcuz when I am 100% sure that someone is into me that really confused me and make me wanna run away :(
– Lying: can be a deal breakers in case someone is lying all the time about so many things even the silliest ones, this really irritating for me.
-Over controlling: Another deal breaker is when someone trying to control me and my life and he does not give me so much space to decide for myself.
– Over Jealousy: A third one would be when he is over jealous, that means he does not trust me or he is not confident about himself.
I think people do this mistakes all the time form lying to jealousy but there is a point when someone reachs it and you can not handle that much of it, then I think it will be a deal breaker !
After reading this post I find that I use deal breakers in my life without realizing that I am doing it.
Thanks Matt for this great post.
For me, deal breakers: Lack of personal awareness, Lack of personal responsibility, Lack of sense of humor, Unable to openly communicate, Lack of genuine good heart. And of course, there must be chemistry, which for me requires being confident (self-assured) AND decisive (knows what he wants + acts to get what he wants). Mama’s boys need not apply.
I think all of the top ten list are made mute by these fundamental traits (aka wouldn’t exist to a meaningful degree).
Ex: he wouldn’t be mean-spirited if he had a good heart.
Ex: A man possessing true self-assurance and decisiveness is less likely to be likely to have poor hygiene or be slovenly, etc. Equally, obvious poor hygiene generally indicates lacking of traits I’ve listed (so, becomes mute).
Ex: we all tell white lies, Q: motive? to avoid hurting someones’s feelings or for personal gain.
Ex: Everyone gets angry. Q: what/how anger manifests and what results from anger… Blames the world for things not going your way? or Takes personal responsibility for anger and takes positive steps to resolve source of anger.
So, I guess what I am dropping are hard & fast interpretations of the ‘Top 10’ in favour of the positive personal traits listed. BTW, with the exception of “genuine good heart” which is more detectable as a feeling/aura, but, can be “faked” AND “chemistry” which either is or is not there, I think all the other traits can be ‘measured & tested’ (short-term, with well thought-out questions), albeit (long-term) with diligence.
I’ve also dropped any fast & firm physical or chronology requirements in lieu of presence of “chemistry”. A man/woman becomes beautiful/arousing” to you because you find them “beautiful/sexy” from within. Likewise, a “9/10” can quickly become a “2” as soon as they open their mouths. And really, who cares how old they are if the chemistry is there. Yes, chemistry can fade over time (but so can everything else); but not if both parties work to keep it alive in the long-run. Plus, I think we’re talking about short-term, initial meeting/getting-to-know-you requirements.
Yes, it’s easy to poke holes in my list (as with all others); but eh, those are my guidelines.
I try to look inward rather than outward and be complete with myself rather than seek others to fill my voids. This speaks more to: what will make me appealing to the type of man I want to attract. I think that focus will keep me from “settling for” or “compromising standards” when seeking a companion with whom to share my life.
Best of luck ladies (& gents) & thanks for reading,
Blu
My past relationships’ reasons for ending are most of my today’s no goes. This said:
– if he doesn’t have the “je ne sais quoi” that brings the best out of me, I believe it becomes a deal breaker for me, which needs to stay.
I understand this filtering procedure that people would apply, in order to eliminate those they wouldn’t want. We all dislike liars, cheaters etc… But why would you focus on stretching a net of elimination, when you could do the opposite first? It sure is practical to know what you don’t want, but it sure is better to know what you want first, unless of course, you don’t. It’s about Getting The Guy and not Getting A Guy. It’s about selecting and not eliminating. We all have our flaws. You just gotta know which flaws you can live with not the other way around. If the man brings the best out of me and I in him, the rest is just secondary. I am willing to overlook his shadows, as dark as they may seem to others or even be.
thanks for reading :)
Hi Matthew,
I believe that finding the right relationship is not easy but maintaining it can be even harder. And maintaining it requires friendship and respect.
So in addition to lying, i think abuse in all its forms is number one deal-breaker for me. I also don’t like a lazy partner who doesn’t have goals in his life.
Thanks for your inspiring blog & happy 2013 !!
Raya
I want a honest and playful man who’s up in spirits.
… I could do without the wants a big family seeing that I’m too young to be considering a family yet. :)
For me if there is a real love there wont be any deal breakers and if there’s any we can solve it by talking :)
And Sorry for the bad English
Hi Matt,
I’ve been picking up your posts for a short while now. New to this arena of dating. 43 and single again is a scary place. Amicable separation, so no issues there, but this last few months of toe in the water to start dating has been a roller coaster of emotions.
I am an open minded individual. I try hard not to force deal breakers before getting to know a guy but my sense is they have such firm criteria themselves that to stay strong and sane out there I need to toughen up.
Rude, pushy first daters… Guys who announce over starters they want children ASAP. Guys who force political opinion and expect agreement.
Then one or two nice ones, who allow you to relax, then suddenly they need space and disappear.
So deal breakers before actually getting to know someone are hard to define.
Mary Rose