Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)

I had a conversation on my latest Fast Track session that I really wanted to share with you.

Her question is one I get so often: “Am I being irrational and jealous? Or is it ok for me to be upset about this?”

In this video, I share my reaction, and give you a clear way to say what you really feel in this difficult situation…

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Jameson: “Hey guys, Matthew Hussey here…. Jameson here… I thought you were going to introduce me.”

Matthew: “Was I supposed to introduce you?”

Jameson: “We’re tag teaming this because we work so well together.”

Matthew: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

Jameson: “Breakfasts.”

Matthew: “Jesus.

“We just finished our members’ session, where for an hour, we Q&A’d with our Fast Track Members. If you don’t know how to become a member, by the way, click the link here? Or at the end of the video? We’ll figure it out some way.”

Jameson: “I’m going to pop it up all over the place. It’s a great link.”

Matthew: “But there was something very interesting that happened during that webinar.”

Jameson: “We had a caller call in. She’d been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was this moment where she thought her boyfriend was possibly being unfaithful.”

Matthew: “He basically went away on vacation for a couple of weeks. Or no, he was on a work trip for a couple of weeks. And she, essentially, long story short, received a couple of messages on her phone that were from him but were not intended for her.”

Jameson: “The message was something like, ‘Lol, a little aggressive for me. Ha ha ha.’”

Matthew: “Yeah.”

Jameson: “Something like that where it could be completely innocuous but imagine receiving a text like that–”

Matthew: “Horrible.”

Jameson: “… from your significant other when they’re on holiday.”

Matthew: “Well, actually, here’s the horrible part. What happened next was she wrote back and said, ‘Clearly those weren’t meant for me.’ And she then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with. He said it was with a male work colleague who was late for breakfast or something, which, by the way, may be true. I’m not putting any judgment on this situation right now. We’re coming to it from complete outside perspectives. But here’s what concerned me. She asked for screenshots of the messages. He then said, ‘You should trust me. And if you need me to send a screenshot, that’s about your insecurity and I don’t want to feed that insecurity. This is a lesson you need to learn and I’m not going to send you the screenshots because it’s better for you that I don’t. It’s better for your insecurity that I don’t feed it.’

“And I heard this and this lovely woman really didn’t know what to do. She said, ‘Do I just accept that and move on? Or should I be frustrated or angry at that?’ Here’s how I broke it down for her because there are many people out there who will be facing some similar situation to this.

“If you’re in a relationship and you’re coming with past baggage from a previous relationship, maybe someone cheated on you, maybe someone gave you cause to constantly be insecure and jealous and that is not something you’ve fully gotten over, in your new relationship, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to take on all of that baggage, right? If you’re going through your partner’s phone and investigating them, if you’re prying all the time, if you’re constantly trying to look for something that isn’t there, that’s not your partner’s fault and if they’re giving you no reason not to trust them, then that’s something that you need to look at in yourself.

“But in this situation, where he has sent her something, that she’s reacting to something, information she’s actually gotten, not by looking for it. It’s found her. That is not a moment for him to teach her a lesson about her confidence, right?”

Jameson: “Well, here’s what happened on the call, by the way. Because Matt gave that spiel and I wanted to press back a little bit on this woman because I wanted to see: has she really never brought this up before? Because from the man’s side, if they’ve been together for three and a half years and you’ve built up a lot of trust over the three and a half years. And so, when someone is doubting you from an errant message, that can be painful, too.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “I don’t know if it’s an insecurity but it brings up some pride, being like, ‘Hey, hold on. I’m a good man. I’ve been a good man for three and a half years.’”

Matthew: “I agree.”

Jameson: “So we pressed her a little bit to see, like is this a recurring insecurity? Has this been something that’s addressed and so he’s getting defensive for a reason? She seemed really, really genuinely sweet and sincere that it kind of wasn’t, that she had done a pretty good job.”

Matthew: “If anything, she suppressed her insecurities most of the time and didn’t bring them to him.”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “This was a situation that really caught her off guard. So here’s what I think. If he says, ‘Here, take the screenshot. I don’t mind. I’ve got nothing to hide,’ she sees it, she says, ‘Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I feel terrible. Blah, blah, blah,’ he, at that point, can say, ‘I want you to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt you. I would not do that to you. I understand that your insecurity today made you want to see that but I would prefer in the future if you would trust me because we’re in this together and we’re a team, right? I’ll never give you reason to doubt me.’

“But maybe you do acknowledge, ‘Today may have seemed a little different because maybe I sent you something and it caught you off guard and it triggered something. And I love you, and I want you to feel safe, and I want you to feel secure, so I’m showing you this. But in the future, I would rather you trusted me because we’re on the same side.’

Jameson: “So that’s the response–”

Matthew: “That’s the lesson moment.”

Jameson: “That’s the response from the person who was doubted.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “So what was the script for the person who was jealous? For her, what would you have her say?”

Matthew: “If he says, ‘You should trust me. I’m a trustworthy person,’ you should say, ‘And I’m a flawed person.’”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “’I’m flawed and I have my insecurities and it’s just on my mind and I hate that it is.’ I think two people have to be a team together. And she has to be a team in giving him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be a team member in not creating more doubt by withholding something… I could understand if she’d done this 10 times in the last six months. ‘Show me the message, show me the message, show me the message.’ Then he might be like, ‘You know what? I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. Because if you can’t trust me and if you constantly need me to show you proof of everything, I don’t want to be in that relationship.’ That’s his prerogative. But if this is genuinely the first time that’s happened, I don’t know. I think he’s hurting the relationship by doing that.

“What do you think? I’m curious. Leave us a comment, let us know what you’re thinking about this. I think this is an interesting discussion. I want to read your comments. We’ll see you next week.”

Jameson: “Bye guys.”

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88 Replies to “Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)”

  • He doesn’t sound like a patient/tolerant person. As per mentioned by Matt, if she had done it many times, ok, his answer is understandable but saying that for the first time is a bit suspicious. It would certainly put doubts in my mind if I was her. Good luck to her, I hope she gets it sorted. Just need to have a honest dialogue with him and he is still defensive about it, she needs to evaluate her relationship. It’s not about the length of time you are with someone but the quality of it.

  • It sounds like he’s a textbook narcissist and gaslighting her. My husband spent the majority of our marriage saying things like that to me, blaming me when I questioned him. “If you weren’t snooping, you wouldn’t have found it” after he told me to check his phone for details his mother had sent him and I found texts from some chick. “It’s your fault for letting my have female friends” when another actually had the stones to call ME and say he isn’t answering his phone. It took me way too long to figure out what I was married to, but once I did, I took steps to end it. No one deserves to have their soul destroyed, no matter what you’ve been through together.

  • Matt, you are always saying be a ‘high value woman’, well a high value woman would not stand for her partner to talk to her in that manner!
    Women have an intuition, and I think she deep down probably knows that he is not the one for her.

  • Matt, you are always saying be a ‘high value woman’, well a high value woman would not stand for her partner to talk to her in that manner!
    Women have an intuition, and I think she deep down probably knows that he is not the one for her.

  • Interesting!
    I was in same type of situation, I’m the female and my take is…if you have nothing to hide…hide nothing.
    My guy went Mia for 5 days..texted me on day 1 said he was at urgent care then in the hospital with “massive migraine ” s text here and there then said his battery was at 10 %. Bla..bla..bla…he drive right from the hospital…to come see me as it was my bday…still went with the story..nothing made sense about his story….so I asked him what arm his iv was in…he showed me….for 5 days with a iv….there was no mark! I am a nurse so I cautiously asked more questions. I told him if he wanted to continue with our relationship I would need for him to prove he was there. I said discharge papers would be great. Said he didnt have them, everything was electronic. Total bs. So I broke it off with him. That was my answer.
    Then 2 weeks later he shows up at my house with a pandora bag…a gift…
    Still confused to lie. Then fessed up said he was really in NC visiting his mom for her bday and wasnt ready for me to meet her(he is 52 and we have been dating for almost a year !)
    I totally broke it completely off. He sends me this 3 page email confessing his love and trying to turn it on me and said I had insecurities.

  • Hi,

    I have been suspicious of mine. I’ve asked point blank and get bullshit. I’ve owned my feelings and said it would be helpful if you could show me your phone. Nothing. He puts it all back on me that I am insecure and now he has to deal with it. His phone behaviours are shady as fuck. I don’t know what to do.

  • Been in that boat and still currently. Boyfriend of 14 years, I recently found he had a 5 year relationship and and he slept with our neighbor twice. He begged me to stay when I’d normally leave. I said, I’d stay if he cut ties with both women. The 5 year he did in front of me, the neighbor he wanted to talk to face to face.
    On he was good at first to be reassuring and I was starting to trust again. Just when I start trusting, she’d call and the number would show up on the car. Then it was emails and texting. Everyone I heal, she comes into the picture. I found he went to dinner with her which took a month to get the truth out of him. Her best friend told me. He finally blocked her number and would let me see his phone if I request. Which I didn’t request but twice. Recently saw a sexual text come across his block number of hers. He wrote it of that he isn’t interested in her, doesn’t talk. text, call or see her. He says this over and over. Then I see her come over on our security camera. He said he didn’t want to tell me cause she was just delivered cookies and she left. Didn’t want to tell me cause he knew it would start a fight. Now…he has blocked me access to the security cameras and logs. When I asked foe his phone after the sexual message, he refused. He swears nothing is going on but know there is. I’m to the point I want to catch him just to tell him he is full of crap. He has changed so much, he watches tons of porn and found adult hook up sites on the iPad. I’m a mess and every time I cut the cord he doesn’t let me go.

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