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Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)

I had a conversation on my latest Fast Track session that I really wanted to share with you.

Her question is one I get so often: “Am I being irrational and jealous? Or is it ok for me to be upset about this?”

In this video, I share my reaction, and give you a clear way to say what you really feel in this difficult situation…

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Jameson: “Hey guys, Matthew Hussey here…. Jameson here… I thought you were going to introduce me.”

Matthew: “Was I supposed to introduce you?”

Jameson: “We’re tag teaming this because we work so well together.”

Matthew: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

Jameson: “Breakfasts.”

Matthew: “Jesus.

“We just finished our members’ session, where for an hour, we Q&A’d with our Fast Track Members. If you don’t know how to become a member, by the way, click the link here? Or at the end of the video? We’ll figure it out some way.”

Jameson: “I’m going to pop it up all over the place. It’s a great link.”

Matthew: “But there was something very interesting that happened during that webinar.”

Jameson: “We had a caller call in. She’d been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was this moment where she thought her boyfriend was possibly being unfaithful.”

Matthew: “He basically went away on vacation for a couple of weeks. Or no, he was on a work trip for a couple of weeks. And she, essentially, long story short, received a couple of messages on her phone that were from him but were not intended for her.”

Jameson: “The message was something like, ‘Lol, a little aggressive for me. Ha ha ha.’”

Matthew: “Yeah.”

Jameson: “Something like that where it could be completely innocuous but imagine receiving a text like that–”

Matthew: “Horrible.”

Jameson: “… from your significant other when they’re on holiday.”

Matthew: “Well, actually, here’s the horrible part. What happened next was she wrote back and said, ‘Clearly those weren’t meant for me.’ And she then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with. He said it was with a male work colleague who was late for breakfast or something, which, by the way, may be true. I’m not putting any judgment on this situation right now. We’re coming to it from complete outside perspectives. But here’s what concerned me. She asked for screenshots of the messages. He then said, ‘You should trust me. And if you need me to send a screenshot, that’s about your insecurity and I don’t want to feed that insecurity. This is a lesson you need to learn and I’m not going to send you the screenshots because it’s better for you that I don’t. It’s better for your insecurity that I don’t feed it.’

“And I heard this and this lovely woman really didn’t know what to do. She said, ‘Do I just accept that and move on? Or should I be frustrated or angry at that?’ Here’s how I broke it down for her because there are many people out there who will be facing some similar situation to this.

“If you’re in a relationship and you’re coming with past baggage from a previous relationship, maybe someone cheated on you, maybe someone gave you cause to constantly be insecure and jealous and that is not something you’ve fully gotten over, in your new relationship, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to take on all of that baggage, right? If you’re going through your partner’s phone and investigating them, if you’re prying all the time, if you’re constantly trying to look for something that isn’t there, that’s not your partner’s fault and if they’re giving you no reason not to trust them, then that’s something that you need to look at in yourself.

“But in this situation, where he has sent her something, that she’s reacting to something, information she’s actually gotten, not by looking for it. It’s found her. That is not a moment for him to teach her a lesson about her confidence, right?”

Jameson: “Well, here’s what happened on the call, by the way. Because Matt gave that spiel and I wanted to press back a little bit on this woman because I wanted to see: has she really never brought this up before? Because from the man’s side, if they’ve been together for three and a half years and you’ve built up a lot of trust over the three and a half years. And so, when someone is doubting you from an errant message, that can be painful, too.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “I don’t know if it’s an insecurity but it brings up some pride, being like, ‘Hey, hold on. I’m a good man. I’ve been a good man for three and a half years.’”

Matthew: “I agree.”

Jameson: “So we pressed her a little bit to see, like is this a recurring insecurity? Has this been something that’s addressed and so he’s getting defensive for a reason? She seemed really, really genuinely sweet and sincere that it kind of wasn’t, that she had done a pretty good job.”

Matthew: “If anything, she suppressed her insecurities most of the time and didn’t bring them to him.”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “This was a situation that really caught her off guard. So here’s what I think. If he says, ‘Here, take the screenshot. I don’t mind. I’ve got nothing to hide,’ she sees it, she says, ‘Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I feel terrible. Blah, blah, blah,’ he, at that point, can say, ‘I want you to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt you. I would not do that to you. I understand that your insecurity today made you want to see that but I would prefer in the future if you would trust me because we’re in this together and we’re a team, right? I’ll never give you reason to doubt me.’

“But maybe you do acknowledge, ‘Today may have seemed a little different because maybe I sent you something and it caught you off guard and it triggered something. And I love you, and I want you to feel safe, and I want you to feel secure, so I’m showing you this. But in the future, I would rather you trusted me because we’re on the same side.’

Jameson: “So that’s the response–”

Matthew: “That’s the lesson moment.”

Jameson: “That’s the response from the person who was doubted.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “So what was the script for the person who was jealous? For her, what would you have her say?”

Matthew: “If he says, ‘You should trust me. I’m a trustworthy person,’ you should say, ‘And I’m a flawed person.’”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “’I’m flawed and I have my insecurities and it’s just on my mind and I hate that it is.’ I think two people have to be a team together. And she has to be a team in giving him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be a team member in not creating more doubt by withholding something… I could understand if she’d done this 10 times in the last six months. ‘Show me the message, show me the message, show me the message.’ Then he might be like, ‘You know what? I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. Because if you can’t trust me and if you constantly need me to show you proof of everything, I don’t want to be in that relationship.’ That’s his prerogative. But if this is genuinely the first time that’s happened, I don’t know. I think he’s hurting the relationship by doing that.

“What do you think? I’m curious. Leave us a comment, let us know what you’re thinking about this. I think this is an interesting discussion. I want to read your comments. We’ll see you next week.”

Jameson: “Bye guys.”

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88 Replies to “Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)”

  • I agree with a previous statement Matthew stated

    “a marriage is when you kill your ego. It’s when you say “I just want what’s best for the other person. I love this person.” It’s not where I’m going to be sitting there worrying if I’m good enough or should I be jealous…that’s all ego. I want them to be happy. I love them. I’m going to be there for them and show up for them. And of course, I’m going to have certain asks. I want them to be a teammate to me just like I am to them. Real relationships aren’t power struggles”.

  • Well, ironic this is exactly what I’m dealing with. The man in my world, is smoothe. He avoids questions. He changes the subject and redirects the conversation. All while never admitting, answering…or committing on anyquesrion I have. I have received text that clearly was not meant for me…an off the wall answer or statement to nothing we are discussing… it’s memorial day weekend and he’s going away…but doesn’t know when he us leaving or when he is coming back. I have heard nothing….no text ..no call…nothing. I’m very certain he is seeing another woman…he is on dating sights…i have asked about being in a relationship…i asked for truth and honesty. Nothing but…ignore and twisting conversation. Says I’m a crazy insecure woman…i told him do not insult my intelligence. I am on point w this man. I made a decision to drop him totally…if I’m not respected w the truth and he continues this over and over, im more valuable than that. My past has caused me to he insecure, and I’m not proud of it. But this same round the lies and avoidance is not for me…my gut feel..hes a player. Uses money to manipulate women…im better than this…..i should never have to beg for time or answers. If he really cared for me…he would be more respectful towards me…my questions…and feelings….my eyes are wise open….and he is history.

  • I agree with Matt completely. He should have just shown her the messages. What’s he trying to hide?

  • I also agree with Matt. If the guy had nothing to hide he ought to have sent her a screenshot.

    I have had the same happen to me and he was cheating with multiple women.

  • It sounds like gaslighting to me. Looking back I can see clearly now that my ex-husband did this to me all the time. It’s definitely a red flag for me now. If it was innocent then it would be more of a funny story for him to share with her not a teachable moment for this women he should know pretty well after 3 1/2 years. He should know her triggers and be understanding of them. Sounds like he’s manipulating the situation and her to benefit his needs. Only she can know if her insecurities are dominating the relationship to decide if he is being truthful.

  • I ask him are you seeing someone because you are showing all the signs to me that you are? And he just says dont be silly and gets in a bad mood with me.
    He try’s to avoid me alot but gives nothing away. I just get that gut feeling.

  • Last December I had pneumonia and didn’t head from my boyfriend of over a year on Skype for an entire week. I was upset and sent him a.link to 15 signs a man is checking out. He got.offended and dumped me.on Skype without even asking me about my health. Turns out he was cheating on me for months. I woke up two weeks later after almost dying. It hurt. I found a great guy a month later…but it hurts to be left like that. I’ve had to push a lit of insecurity to the side to move on. My new man has cried with me when the hurt was overwhelming. Amazing too that he has responded so differently when i express insecurity.

  • So my situation is a bit weird. When I met my current partner, I was talking to multiple people. Around the same time I met my partner, I also met someone else. I’d never been in this situation before; I genuinely liked both people. I knew I had to make a choice, and I did- strangely, choosing the other, instead of my current partner. I tried to be honest with both of them from an early stage, but I think my partner had assumed exclusivity too soon, and was very hurt when I explained the situation. Obviously this situation changed, and ended with this person being my partner. And it’s not exactly that I cheated, but I did do something (which is uncharacteristic of me by the way) that hurt someone I cared about, and who is now my partner. They have since expressed to me that I did nothing wrong and there’s no ill will, but sometimes I get nervous that this will come back to bite me.
    Should I be this nervous?

  • Love this video for a few reasons. Firstly, nice to see the two of you discuss. Secondly, I completely agree with the both of you. You Matthew are completely right. Your approach is how it ‘should’ be, in other words the ideal way. It is up to the two of you to work on the relationship. Momemtns like these exemplify how prepared you are to let go of your ego and work as a team to keep the relationship strong. J’s approach is more practical. Whatever it is, I’m sick and tired of people being stuck in such situations. The current way of life is very fertile for the development of a##holes and fools. In this instance, they have been in a relationship for about 3.5yrs. Why havn’t they decided on marriage? Ideally when in a relationship if you’ve crossed the 2.5yr mark it means, the woman must take the responsibility to bring stability into the relationship. The woman must be nice but not naive and submissive with a lesser mindset. This allows the man to take advantage and slack off. Eventually, he’l lose interest in her because she gets across as weak. Vulnerability all the time is no good. Also, even if the man was genuine; practical measures that add stability to the relationship will not provide room for such disturbing situations of insecurity and doubt. If you are dating, you better get the girlfriend title by 6months time and anything more than 2.5yrs as the girlfriend means you are just a friend with benefits. Don’t expect exclusivity if there is no improvements in practical display of commitment levels. I don’t want to talk about the ‘I’m not ready’ situation. If you think you are not ready, then better do it solo until you are ready. I’m tired and you guys look tired too.

  • The response from the errant text sender lacks the kind of empathy you would hope 2 people have built up in a committed relationship that has lasted for multiple years (3+ years, do we know if they are living together or if they have just been seeing one another for that long & in either case are they exclusive & have pledged to be monogamous to one another? I am assuming they have promised monogamy & exclusivity to one another).

    It may well be gas-lighting, deflecting & lying from a narcissistic abuser (Cluster B personality/narcissist/borderline/sociopath/etc) or it might simply be a lesser issue *he* has, *his un-handled baggage* is showing in his harsh “you need to learn a lesson” response to a long-term partner. That could be evidence of a past trauma or problem of his he needs to own & handle.

    If the caller were me, I would be getting out if he does not own his baggage around this out-of-proportion & over-the-top response to his own mistake. Potentially hard to do after 3+ years (even harder if they have been living together), but assuming he does not back down from projecting this onto his female partner as “her insecurity” & see this as an opportunity to work on & let go of an issue of his own, she might be better off single, unencumbered by such a low empathy person, so she can work through why she would want to be with someone who would so harshly & suddenly try to devalue her.

  • I totally agree with you Matt. If he had nothing to hide he would show her the screen shots out and respect and kindness for her feelings and to have an awareness of how his text may have led her to make the assumption she was having an affair.
    His turning the finger and making out it is her problem, says to me that he has something to hide. That or he lacks awareness.

  • I think he’s feeding her insecurity…if you have nothing to hide, show it and move on. He’s being controlling and turning it all onto her, when it was his txt that got her upset to begin with.
    Everyone is human, everyone has insecurities at some point…if your partner can alleviate that, then do it…more trust is built. Why would you want to hurt your relationship because of pride.

  • Looooved this story & dialogue and especially loved the dynamic with Jameson. He’s adorable. Spot on advice, exactly the right direction to go. My only 2 cents would be that while a person who’s been cheated should definitely not expect the new partner to manage or deal with that kind of baggage, they definitely should be considerate of the triggers. Nice teamwork Matt & Jameson!!

  • What I’ve learned over the years, you may give him the benefit of the doubt, forgive and move along. No need to bring it up again because then you come across as a “nag”.
    If he has done nothing wrong in your relationship, it will move along great. However if he believes he got away this time, he’ll either drive himself crazy with thoughts of your cavalier behavior and start messing up or he may fess up for fear of losing you, if he really cares.
    This doesn’t mean you let him walk all over you.
    I always keep in mind a quote from a book I read; “How you act is not who you really are, but the real you comes out by the way you react to things.”

  • It was such a neutral message (it said aggressive, not sexy?!?!), one among thousands we all use everyday, I don’t think it was appropriate to expect a screenshot

  • That was a great answer from a mature high quality man. I wish more men thought before they spoke or more importantly not be worried about their precious ego!

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