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Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)

I had a conversation on my latest Fast Track session that I really wanted to share with you.

Her question is one I get so often: “Am I being irrational and jealous? Or is it ok for me to be upset about this?”

In this video, I share my reaction, and give you a clear way to say what you really feel in this difficult situation…

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Jameson: “Hey guys, Matthew Hussey here…. Jameson here… I thought you were going to introduce me.”

Matthew: “Was I supposed to introduce you?”

Jameson: “We’re tag teaming this because we work so well together.”

Matthew: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

Jameson: “Breakfasts.”

Matthew: “Jesus.

“We just finished our members’ session, where for an hour, we Q&A’d with our Fast Track Members. If you don’t know how to become a member, by the way, click the link here? Or at the end of the video? We’ll figure it out some way.”

Jameson: “I’m going to pop it up all over the place. It’s a great link.”

Matthew: “But there was something very interesting that happened during that webinar.”

Jameson: “We had a caller call in. She’d been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was this moment where she thought her boyfriend was possibly being unfaithful.”

Matthew: “He basically went away on vacation for a couple of weeks. Or no, he was on a work trip for a couple of weeks. And she, essentially, long story short, received a couple of messages on her phone that were from him but were not intended for her.”

Jameson: “The message was something like, ‘Lol, a little aggressive for me. Ha ha ha.’”

Matthew: “Yeah.”

Jameson: “Something like that where it could be completely innocuous but imagine receiving a text like that–”

Matthew: “Horrible.”

Jameson: “… from your significant other when they’re on holiday.”

Matthew: “Well, actually, here’s the horrible part. What happened next was she wrote back and said, ‘Clearly those weren’t meant for me.’ And she then proceeded to ask for a screenshot of the text conversation that he was having with whoever he was having it with. He said it was with a male work colleague who was late for breakfast or something, which, by the way, may be true. I’m not putting any judgment on this situation right now. We’re coming to it from complete outside perspectives. But here’s what concerned me. She asked for screenshots of the messages. He then said, ‘You should trust me. And if you need me to send a screenshot, that’s about your insecurity and I don’t want to feed that insecurity. This is a lesson you need to learn and I’m not going to send you the screenshots because it’s better for you that I don’t. It’s better for your insecurity that I don’t feed it.’

“And I heard this and this lovely woman really didn’t know what to do. She said, ‘Do I just accept that and move on? Or should I be frustrated or angry at that?’ Here’s how I broke it down for her because there are many people out there who will be facing some similar situation to this.

“If you’re in a relationship and you’re coming with past baggage from a previous relationship, maybe someone cheated on you, maybe someone gave you cause to constantly be insecure and jealous and that is not something you’ve fully gotten over, in your new relationship, it’s not your partner’s responsibility to take on all of that baggage, right? If you’re going through your partner’s phone and investigating them, if you’re prying all the time, if you’re constantly trying to look for something that isn’t there, that’s not your partner’s fault and if they’re giving you no reason not to trust them, then that’s something that you need to look at in yourself.

“But in this situation, where he has sent her something, that she’s reacting to something, information she’s actually gotten, not by looking for it. It’s found her. That is not a moment for him to teach her a lesson about her confidence, right?”

Jameson: “Well, here’s what happened on the call, by the way. Because Matt gave that spiel and I wanted to press back a little bit on this woman because I wanted to see: has she really never brought this up before? Because from the man’s side, if they’ve been together for three and a half years and you’ve built up a lot of trust over the three and a half years. And so, when someone is doubting you from an errant message, that can be painful, too.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “I don’t know if it’s an insecurity but it brings up some pride, being like, ‘Hey, hold on. I’m a good man. I’ve been a good man for three and a half years.’”

Matthew: “I agree.”

Jameson: “So we pressed her a little bit to see, like is this a recurring insecurity? Has this been something that’s addressed and so he’s getting defensive for a reason? She seemed really, really genuinely sweet and sincere that it kind of wasn’t, that she had done a pretty good job.”

Matthew: “If anything, she suppressed her insecurities most of the time and didn’t bring them to him.”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “This was a situation that really caught her off guard. So here’s what I think. If he says, ‘Here, take the screenshot. I don’t mind. I’ve got nothing to hide,’ she sees it, she says, ‘Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I feel terrible. Blah, blah, blah,’ he, at that point, can say, ‘I want you to trust me because I would never do anything to hurt you. I would not do that to you. I understand that your insecurity today made you want to see that but I would prefer in the future if you would trust me because we’re in this together and we’re a team, right? I’ll never give you reason to doubt me.’

“But maybe you do acknowledge, ‘Today may have seemed a little different because maybe I sent you something and it caught you off guard and it triggered something. And I love you, and I want you to feel safe, and I want you to feel secure, so I’m showing you this. But in the future, I would rather you trusted me because we’re on the same side.’

Jameson: “So that’s the response–”

Matthew: “That’s the lesson moment.”

Jameson: “That’s the response from the person who was doubted.”

Matthew: “Yes.”

Jameson: “So what was the script for the person who was jealous? For her, what would you have her say?”

Matthew: “If he says, ‘You should trust me. I’m a trustworthy person,’ you should say, ‘And I’m a flawed person.’”

Jameson: “Right.”

Matthew: “’I’m flawed and I have my insecurities and it’s just on my mind and I hate that it is.’ I think two people have to be a team together. And she has to be a team in giving him the benefit of the doubt. But he should also be a team member in not creating more doubt by withholding something… I could understand if she’d done this 10 times in the last six months. ‘Show me the message, show me the message, show me the message.’ Then he might be like, ‘You know what? I don’t want to be in a relationship like this. Because if you can’t trust me and if you constantly need me to show you proof of everything, I don’t want to be in that relationship.’ That’s his prerogative. But if this is genuinely the first time that’s happened, I don’t know. I think he’s hurting the relationship by doing that.

“What do you think? I’m curious. Leave us a comment, let us know what you’re thinking about this. I think this is an interesting discussion. I want to read your comments. We’ll see you next week.”

Jameson: “Bye guys.”

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88 Replies to “Worried He’s Cheating? Here’s What to Say (Script)”

  • I think he’s cheating hehe. I mean why would you hide it if there’s nothing wrong with it.

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  • Is anyone frustrated by her boyfriend’s “man-splainy” way of talking to her? I also think, if this was something she did all the time, he would have said “babe, you do this all the time”. But no – what he said prob just made her more paranoid and caused her to second guess her feelings – which were completely valid. If he has nothing to hide, he’d have just sent the screenshots and been done with it.

  • What if core confidence becomes an issue for both of you during the same relationship and your partner goes outside of it to get their needs filled (emotionally or physically)? I know we can’t expect our partner to be the one who is going to fix “me” but they should want to be down to fix “us”. I think they should be there to be like, ‘how can I help you babe?’….especially when you come to your partner in an open and loving way…

  • And if he has given cause multiple times over the span of that relationship and asks for more faith, then what? With no proof. How do you have accountability without evidence at this point when his words no longer hold value. Grace for faith on the words he had have been false for so long so now what?

  • Looool, “Here’s the screenshot, I want you to trust me and I understand” – Said no one ever

  • I take a part of my analysis back…
    ‘Lol, that’s a little too aggressive for me…’

    I cannot think of a non-flirty context where that would be used. A guy doesn’t send that to his male friends pretending to be weak. He’d more likely go like ‘I’d kick your ass, bring it on’
    I get it. I get that her asking for a screenshot was a last stroke for her to see his reaction. I don’t think she’s flawed. I think it is normal for any human being to be caught off guard from a message like that.
    He would have reacted with the same insecurity had that happened to him (presuming he cared).
    I would like to know how right or wrong we all are if you ever find out Matthew. :)

  • His response was a clear example of “gaslighting” (emotional abuse. ) What a horrible thing to say to someone you’re supposed to be in love with. Big red flag here.

  • Very interesting discussion and one that needs to be had since this is a common scenario. I like having both perspectives and both responses from the one who is accused and the one who feels insecure. I agree with Matt that if this is the first time this has happened, that guy is hurting the relationship by not sending a screenshot. I generally believe that someone who is telling the truth has nothing to hide. Thanks for tackling this topic, Matt and Jameson, and for giving us scripts for both sides of this issue. Communication is so key and many times in situations like these it’s difficult to articulate well what you want to convey.

  • He is gaslighting her! Who is he to “teach her a lesson”??? Even if it’s not the first time she’s asked, this is inappropriate.
    If he’s tired of her asking the question, they either need to work out what is triggering her, or he needs to accept that she has that insecurity, OR he needs to move on. But she is not his pupil. It’s insulting.

  • He’s totally gaslighting her. I think it’s pretty clear he’s been caught out. What an a-hole. If that happened to me or my partner we’d talk about, and listen to each other. Either someone has an intuition or an insecurity. Both need to be respected and not belittled, or patronised about it. They need to be worked through properly, with respect and maturity.

    As an aside, whenever I have felt insecure in a relationship, I’ve had good reason. Whenever I have felt safe, I’ve had good reason. Either I have been with someone trustworthy and I’ve felt safe OR I’ve been with a player and I’ve felt insecure. Either way too much responsibility is placed on one person to feel safe. Feeling safe in a relationship is a team effort. Of course there are exceptions, but generally that holds true.

  • I totally disagree Matt and your being much too wishy-washy with your response to this woman .
    She should definitely ask to see the screenshot and the fact that he’s playing her and dies not want to show it to her and is now putting it on her telling her she’s insecure is totally bogus,
    He is a player !!

    I’ve had more men than you’ve had hot dinners !!

  • If it I the first time I would say I as a woman can give him a benefit of doubt for the sake of our love. But like with my experience just recently. He does a lot at front that I cannot fully trust him sorry but I cn say a player…at the same time very toxic as he’s creating something for me to be insecure when the situation has been agreed and talk about. Things happened over end over. And that I decided to let go. A woman can feel if the man she loves is faithful. We have a unique instinct and of course the quite obvious. Thanks

  • Hi, guys!

    I have doubts, and do not totally agree with you. Up to my experiences, men can cheat at anytime in a relationship. Also he might be bored in this relationship. You mentioned that this insecure thoughts ate about past. Yes, this is true. But also, as human beings our experiences are important when we talk about human psychology and behaviors.

    I believe there is a bad smell in this conversation and relationship. We should think about the condition. He is on a vacation. It doesn’t matter it is work or holiday. It is very possible that he had cheated or tended to to cheat. Besides, he is not the teacher or father of his girlfriend, and telling her that she needs a lesson is rude and narcissist. Sending this damn screenshot is really easy. He had already fed her insecure behaviors. Instead of feeding her insecureness, he could improve her trust by being more open. Of course if she repeats this behavior several times, it can be boring. But as I see, she is not that kind of a partner.


  • Sounds like a clear case of gas-lighting to me. Not saying the situation is easy – but, RUN. Does sounds like there is more to this relationship… the old ‘I’m doing you a favor and being benevolent by ignoring that you’re not trusting me and helping you in the process – so your welcome’ is more than a little worrisome and I’m sure this isn’t the only situation this type of behavior comes up.

  • Hi everyone, I don’t know how to start but I need advise from everyone about my life. My boyfriend cheat me like 3 times but he didn’t feel or say sorry for that. If I ask why he cheat me he just said I just want to f**k other girl but you are no 1 always. I can’t even think what should I do to save my relationship, I’m too stupid to make my own decision and I still love him. Even I said to him that I will cheat him back but still he didn’t care and he even ask me for a thr**some. Please help me,somemore I don’t have any friends or anyone to share my problem

  • My opinion? It definitively hurts relationship and her trust… and I think what he did is a manipulation. I speak from my own experience… I was in a relationship for some years where after some time similar things happened – when I asked him – he manipulated situation very smartly to make me look jealous, stupid or as I do not have a right to ask for more information. It was manipulation and it worked…I could felt something is wrong (because I knew I would react opposite way as he did if he was in my shoes)… but I closed my eyes…closed again….and one day I found finally all the truth about his behaving (lies, cheating). It is hard to say when this happens to you and you have never experienced this before – but after you have this experience, you can more clearly smell these lies and you put your standart higher for getting the right reaction from him and you see more clearly the manipulation. I don´t say he cheated on her – he could…or he could just flirt with someone in messages and knows he should not do that.. but I think he is something hiding…and she fears that and he let he to have these fears. It totally destroys trust.

  • She should take it as the first signal he’s cheating. There will be other signals she’ll see once her eyes are open.

    Decide for herself if she will walk it he is cheating or she’ll accept it if he keeps it hidden. Have a polite conversation and state her position without accusations.

    Next business trip surprise him with a visit.

    If he isn’t cheating he’ll enjoy the company.

    If he is cheating and she still wants him
    … confront him about the why and what is missing for him. Don’t promise to fix the issues. Just listen.

  • Something like this happened to me once.
    My response to the errant text would have been:
    “lolz! oh yeah, so tell me how YOU like it!”

    It’s a little different way of learning what’s going on.

  • Dated a guy for 3yrs all was good until he received text @11pm from a women I had never meet. Ask to see the conversation, he replied that I had insecurities and needed to grow up. He informed me we were rock solid & would never jeopardise the relationship we had.
    Asked for clarity, more closure. He refused to show me conversation
    and pushed all the blame on me for past in security

    I showed him the door, locked it and cried myself to sleep

    Two yrs later have a beautiful gentleman, however this past experience taught me a lot in finding my feminine inner soul instead of being defensive and masculine past vibrations as not all guys are the same, nor should we treat them so

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