I’ve read countless complaints that go something like this: “Matt, I just don’t meet any guys I actually find attractive.” Or even more severe: “I can’t find a guy who I consider relationship-worthy for me. Maybe I’m destined to be alone…”
I understand that fear, but I also know that this is a dangerous psychology trap, one I’ve seen men and women of all ages fall into. If you feel like no guy is quite what you’re looking for, this is how to solve it…
When did someone’s curiosity allow your interesting side to come out? Leave a comment below…
When I had just moved, the guy that helped me move—the friend of a friend—stopped by to visit (I hadn’t been interested in him because he was 5 years younger than I, and I had always talked with him like there was no future together—just being myself, and asking him about himself).
In the unpacked items was a box of little things from school that my mom had saved for me. I showed him some of the things (like drawings of things starting with the letter “m” from Kindergarten) and told him the stories behind them. He seemed genuinely interested. I was impressed by that, and started to view him as a potential boyfriend (which he had wanted all along, because he thought I was interesting!)
Twenty seven years later, we have been married for 24 years…
Meh. Lots of men are interested in me. It doesn’t make me bloom; it actually makes my shrink. I’m already a blossom. You’re basically saying a woman needs a man to be complete. I’m a fabulously interesting person. I’ve spent years cultivating my personality, intellect and spirituality without a male. I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who wasn’t nearly as attractive.
Typically never i’ll ask all the questions but they never bother askin me questions. Usually since they don’t ask I always have to find some point to tell them something when I find an oportunity that matches the conversation. Just makes me feel there so into themselves that there closed off even when they say they want know more about you.
You’re right Matt about us being interested in people.. that’s the only way they’ll be interesting. I had someone sit with me post-dinner and ask me questions and generally just be interested in what I had to share. The conversation became so easy because we both got to talk about life and share some stories that shed more light on who we are. We still talk from time to time and I treasure that time spent.
My ex who was murdered in 93 was the last one
When I was in 7th grade I was going to my 2 period math class I walked in and there was a seating chart. It was next to him, his name was Owen. When I first walked to the seat next to him he was really intimidating, I thought maybe he would be mean but it turned out he was really nice, I almost ran into someone trying to pull out my chair while me saying hi to him and he helped pull out my chair for me. From there we became good friends, we talked when we could during math and we laughed over so many things and we were both at the same kind of level in math so we worked together on a lot of the assignments, he and I got to know each other because he was interested in me and I was interested in him. Owen made math fun and more enjoyable to go to everyday. Then it happened…… right before Christmas break on the last day, he gave me a hug as class ended and I wished him to have a great break and that I’d see him in a week. Over the break I couldn’t stop thinking about how he hugged me and how sweet that was. I decided to make him a Christmas card and give it to him the day we got back. It turned out that we had moved seats again so I had to find him in the class before giving it to him, he was really happy that I made him a card which made me happy. He said he’d give ME something on Thursday, of course I just said that he doesn’t have to. Here came Thursday and there was nothing, I acted as if I forgot the whole thing but I was wondering if he was just making it up to please me or something in the moment. Friday rolled by and as I was going to my 6th period class the last one of the day, he stopped by my locker and handed me a slip of paper, I tried to take but he held on for a second of hesitation but then let go, at this point I already guessed what it would be, and it was……it was him asking me out. I want to keep it short and say that we dated for four months and those 4 months were the best ever and we really got to know one another.
Last guy to show interest in me has odd behavior habit and is way too immature in behavior and actions . I had one like that before thought I’d give a guy a chance and when I said enough he decided to Stalk me for 3 yrs .. so here’s my ? How do I find a man who’s over 50 mature and can play guitar and wants to perform in a rock band with me no smoking drugs or alcoholics .. or I’m I wanting too much? ✌
Hey Matt and Crew,
I think it’s always these moments, when someone is really flexible, open-minded and curious when it comes to spend time together. It’s easy to motivate them for things they haven’t done in a long time or haven’t done at all. They *really show* that they embrace what you have to offer. It’s not out of boredom, low self-esteem or out of politeness. They make you feel it’s because they enjoy the event and the time with you, feel enlightened by your thoughts and both feel really energetic after having met.
Once you realize this person is not going to vanish out of the blue, you get curious to see what else connects you. As a reaction to that I am a lot more motivated to talk to them about other plans, ideas or give them more insight to who I really am. Most often I can show my interesting sides in a more personal and private atmosphere. For example triggered by straigth questions about live, love and attitudes that have no easy answer. Additionally, a straight question about a complex topic shows that there is a real interest in listening to a complex reply. And if they really listen, it’s great. But happens rarely.
I have a hard time meeting guys with the right intentions and that want to know me for who I am instead of how I look. But one guy stood out from the crowd and showed interest in the real me. We’ve been talking for seven months now and met up about three months ago and the connection grew even stronger.
The sad part is that he lives in San Diego and I live in Sweden. You just can’t have it all…
But even though he’s miles away he makes an effort in keeping in touch and that’s more than the guys living in my town does.
Just a couple of days ago – someone asked, I replied. And the best was the follow-up questions – he had listened :)
Hi Matt,
I was really drawn to watch this video because I felt that this is a problem I relate to. However, after watching it, I’m not sure that this really solves my problem.
I believe that I really do engage with the men I meet on a deeper level. And I certainly don’t have problems in keeping men interested in me or attracted – many men have said to me that what they find most attractive about me is the conversation. I genuinely find people very interesting and love to ask questions about who they are and why they have made the choices they have made. However, for me the problem is that most men are just as good as each other. Each is interesting and attractive in some ways and flawed in others. I try to explore my dating possibilities by going out on successive dates even if I don’t feel any kind of spark – but I haven’t felt a “spark” in years. These men are all lovely people, interesting and sensitive and intelligent. But no-one really stands out. Maybe I’m hoping for a solution that you don’t have, but I’m open to suggestions.
I am up to approx 50 dates now over 3 years. I cant find men attracted. Some very nice guys and a lot in common but not attracted physically. Most of them my age 55-60 dont look after themselves like pot belly, teeth are brown etc. Only One date a few weeks ago did stir my pot and opened me up but has dissappeated because he got too hot and heavy with txts and wanting me to have sex straight away. I followed your advice what to say and it didnt work. This is a guy who i would not look twice but he made me laugh so much and brought me out of my shell really quickly and he was full of life. Now i have lost him. No others 49 dates made me feel alive as much. Grooming and healthy lifestyle is an issue with most men.
I found someone to find me interesting and then in return, them interesting, when they asked about my field of interest and literally immersed themselves in my field, like what they’d do.
But I guess that’s the beauty of human interaction.
Hi there! I am not sure this is they type of answer you are looking for but this is how I interpret what you are asking. I have reconnected with a guy (he is 10 years younger than I am) I met 10 years ago. We met because of a mutual like for a band. One night 10 years ago, at a show, I wasn’t feeling well, and had to leave the concert to go sit in the car until I felt better. My guy, friend at the time, went and bought me flowers and just sat with me until I felt better, no expectations. He didn’t even attempt to make a move on me. Over these last 10 years, he has sent me text, checking up on my, on life, in general. We have only seen one another at concerts over the pats 10 years until this past July when I decided I was finally going to tell him how much I actually cared about him and how much his act of kindness 10 years prior meant to me. He responded with a “wow, I don’t really know what to say, I care about you too”. I told him I wanted to kiss him in that moment and he responded, “I want to kiss you too but I just don’t know”. I told him I respected his right to feel/say that way, but that didn’t change how I felt and that I would like to keep seeing him if he felt the same, which he said he did. Since that night, and over the past month, we have gone on three dates. He still doesn’t make any moves and we only hug, no kissing even yet. He told me that he wanted to build on what we had and get to know each other more, and each time we have gone out, he has asked me lots of fun questions about myself which makes me want to open up more and feel like someone is interested in hearing about me, which in turn, makes me more interested in learning and asking more about him. The problem is, we only text, and I feel like I mostly have to make the first move on that end, but not all of the time. It feels like he wants more than just a friendship, but because he never tries to kiss me, or call, or anything other than texting once a week to see “what is your week like, I may have time to get together”, I just don’t know. A conversation came up about online dating and how I have never done it before, I asked him if he had and he said “no, It wouldn’t be fair to the other person because I just don’t have time”?? What does that mean? I may be answering my own question here but what should I do? Why does he keep wanting to do things with me but never take it any further? Even though he seems genuinely interested in me and my likes/dislikes/life, he doesn’t seem interested in taking the next step and at this point all I am wanting is a kiss! Help! Thanks, Shannon
Hi Matt, I am guilty of not finding many men attractive. I never really thought about it though until now. Interesting, maybe its me, maybe its not. Most men seem silly to me. I rarely find one I can respect and admire. They ARE out there I do know several, my brother in-law, bosses, friends husband and a guy friend of mine. They are the best of men and I think they are great and I love them a lot. Why does it take so long for a man to mature and a woman so little time? I only know a couple of people in decent relationships, the rest just seem to stay out of habit and/or they don’t want to be alone. That seems just sad and pathetic to me. Life is for living not existing.
I went out with a guy . He was so astounded by my random music and movie culture knowledge , he said he had never had that level of conversation with a woman before . He just wanted to know more and more :) . I thought this would be a guy I could date long term , unfortunately , he got reassigned out of state :(
I’m a huge believer in travel and finding connections with people all over the world. When I was traveling through Panama alone, I asked some people in my hostle about sharing a ride to the canal. Lucky for me, a tall, hefty blonde young woman invited me to join her and her two friends.
So, a yank, two kiwis, and a Brit head to the Panama Canal.
The hefty blonde and the tiny lil Brit quickly warmed up to me. They had concocted a list of questions they would ask people on their travels that started shallow and went way deep. Like the worst moment of your life deep.
So there I was, sharing my darkest secret with two people I had just met.
What they taught me was that I don’t have to conform to formalities, and I can show someone who I am right away. What people call you is less important to me than knowing who you are. By being my authentic self right away, I can invite people to be vulnerable in a safe place.
My new friends showed me that connection is always waiting a few steps outside your door.
U look fab! Yeah it was a really nice way to say how choosy we r.I met a guy who was talking of sensitive issues of artists whose work is not being sold. We spoke n then he looked interested in knowing me n then me too. We became great friends. People of same nature get along really well.
Hi Matt,
I went through a breakup last Christmas we lived together for 10 months and I still miss him from time to time. I’m working on myself, my career and my home but I crave connection with the right guy I’ve been going out and talking to a lot of people as I’m not ready to go online but no one seems to measure up. Your pod casts are really helping me get my confidence back thanks. Felicity.
I’m finding that I need to have that spark of attraction, maybe a nice smile, sparkling eyes, something and yes also a good conversation and interest, both ways and also them being able to keep in touch with a least the odd text! It really helps, but after having my heart hurt in the past, I do get defensive quickly! It’s not easy, like people say it is and also due to being in my 50’s!