The Simple Truth: Why You Don’t Find More Men Attractive

I’ve read countless complaints that go something like this: “Matt, I just don’t meet any guys I actually find attractive.” Or even more severe: “I can’t find a guy who I consider relationship-worthy for me. Maybe I’m destined to be alone…”

I understand that fear, but I also know that this is a dangerous psychology trap, one I’ve seen men and women of all ages fall into. If you feel like no guy is quite what you’re looking for, this is how to solve it…

When did someone’s curiosity allow your interesting side to come out? Leave a comment below…

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125 Replies to “The Simple Truth: Why You Don’t Find More Men Attractive”

  • I think the problem is i’m waiting for « sparks » to happen when i meet someone. I’m not having any luck . The only guys who I feel attracted to are either already taken or not interested

  • Actually funny as it might be its when out shopping meeting an old colleague. He made me feel important and interesting (maybe because I looked better than ever or he was recent’y separated) but he asked real questions, no small talk like we normally do. And I opened up. The sad thing there is a man interested in me (old flame) and I can listen to him for an hour and nod the head, ask qsts… but he rarely ask questions back and i feel he is not interested in knowing ME even if he says he is deeply and cannot stop thinking about me… its like if he is in love with his own mind. I am bored and the first thing I noticed is that I lose my energy, my smile, my sparkles… and the other guy, even though there is less physical attraction I feel more alive. I think everything is in the feeling of connection. And some people even though you want one it just does not happens. Go figure! Its so confusing! Loving the subject you brought in this video…

  • I agree to this to an extent! The last guy that was truly attracted to me, and was ”curious” and truly wanted to know more about me, was Jesse. He was educated, sweet, crazy cute, and super attentive. But we didn’t see eye to eye on one major thing – religion. It was a big part of my life – not so much in his. But because he was so incredibly kind, he told me that it didn’t bother him at all that I was devout, even if he wasn’t. He respected it. But as things started to move in a more serious direction, it was something that was always in the back of my mind. I just knew that, down the road, it wouldn’t work. It would get too difficult. So, I did the hardest thing I think I’ve ever done – I told him goodbye. And I have this horrible feeling that I will always regret that decision.

    The reason for telling that story is… it makes you afraid that you’ll never find anyone else like that. That cared about you. That WANTED you. That was always “curious” about you.
    I know I have to trust God that one day He will put someone, just like that (but even better!), before me. I’m just so afraid that he was it, and I passed him up. And every guy since Jesse, has ended up being big disappointments.

  • Hi Matt and Team.
    I guess you could say I am now currently in overload of everything you have taught me in the past few weeks.I mean this the best way possible.
    I have taken the Find the guy program and embraced it as best I can and everyday is improving my interaction with Men and I am so much happier. However its not about the atractive men its really any man
    I work in the Hospitality industry and I talk to ever one.i love talking to people. Its a gift to interct with other people. When it comes to guys thats a different story! Until now.
    Its alot easier now. However I seem to chat to guys that already attached. I dont understand why I attract Attached
    Men all the time. plus living in Ireland I honestly think that our Culture is unique and Irish Men are so differnt. Its like everything you talk about doesnt work here.
    I would like you to talk about different places and how men and women interact. But I am struggling with this now.I am back at the start but I will keep postitve. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe thats why this happens. I really hope you understand where I coming from.
    Very Puzzled Catriona

  • I notice I enjoy opening up when people ask me about my travels and fun things; in contrast, I notice I feel as if I’m being “interviewed” when people ask a lot of questions about work (where do I work, what’s a day like, how is it to be a woman in finance, etc) and where I live. It’s such an interesting awareness because I’m comfortable with what I do and live, however in some way find them judging and putting my into a typecast that I don’t want to be in. Sounds like I need to change my perpective

  • Hi Matt.
    My issue is that if a guy shows interest, I shy away. Since I am very introverted person most people will think either I am not interested or just stuck up. I am not outgoing and hate small talk. To me it’s just feels fake.
    Most men won’t go any further to find out. It’s to the point I don’t bother anymore.

  • I always seem to pick the wrong men. I had forgotten the ways of reaching out to a man and what he wants.
    I also often like to take charge of a relationship when I should let the man do the chasing.
    The interesting side of me to come out is when you know they are really into you and there is that great connection. But for me it happened all to fast.
    He treats you like a Queen and he is my King. He will do anything for you.

  • I have met 2 guys I liked before. I talked with each of them and danced I feel like maybe I was too nervous and seemed bland.
    The only guys that have danced with since like me, but I don’t like them. I think I care too much is why I can’t find anyone.
    I am going to just enjoy life and hopefully I will have a happy ending. I am going to be o.k. either way. I need to figure out what I want in life.

  • After being single for several years after a divorce and trying out a dozen dating apps and being completely turned off from each one due to the mentality of the guys on them I would say that I definitely approach dating apps this way. I used to swipe right a lot and then make an effort to say hello to these guys and ask questions but now I find its all a waste of time for so many reasons. I can probably list a thousand reasons why dating apps are a waste of time but in response to this video I would say, yes making an effort definitely helps. You have a greater chance of starting a conversation by initiating, but dialogue is two ways. And there so so many men (and women too) that are jaded or only looking for a hookup or all about themselves. After a few years, the quickest way for me to stop talking to someone and choose to move on is when i spend a couple days pulling information from someone and they never ask about me. This happens ALL the time. Initially I would offer information. Like oh you like comedy’s, mee too. What are some of your favorites? Mine are xyz. But it never seemed to help. The guys that are interested/ready to date will want to get to know you. They will ask questions. The ones that aren’t ready or aren’t interested will talk but only if you are making all of the pushes and doing all of the work. Its now a major turn off. The problem with online dating is that its easy. Its easy to swipe, wasy to move on because there are other “fish” in the sea, there are a lot of jaded people on their that have been annoyed by dating so they don’t want to invest in people because they’ve already invested in 10 girls and it went no where, and there are a lot of people that just ended a relationship and aren’t really ready to move on but want to feel good by seeing what is out there. I have even tried sites like Eharmony, where you have to pay to play hoping the people on there would be in a more stable place and ready to meet someone special, but instead I just got more of the same…only now I am paying just so these guys can not wven bother to respond to my messages or respond a week later and say “hi”. So I say hi and try to start a conversation and i get nothing for another week then I get “hi” from them again. What a waste.

  • Matt, I think you have a lot of valuable suggestions but they don’t always apply. I have had to learn to turn off the talking about myself with guys until I know I have first passed their physical test and even then I have to be cautious how much I share. If the guy himself has had a boring life it will be intimidating to hear about someone who has had an interesting one and his insecurity will show thru, granted that man in not the right man for me anyway. I have no trouble talking to anyone, I can spark up a conversation no matter where I am, it’s really not that hard. But if a guy doesn’t find you attractive they could care less if you are interesting. I have tried turning it around and just ask them questions about themselves to test the waters before offering too much about myself. I have been widowed a long time and have always kept a positive attitude, forced myself out the door, never turned down an invitation, always open to adventure and sometimes made a fool of myself but even then just never made a connection that lead to anything. Yes, it’s important to stay connected to people and find them interesting so you don’t become boring but it is no guarantee to find the guy!

  • I absolutely believe that, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive or sometimes unattractive they become. I ask people really good questions because I am looking for a deeper connection. The last time someone’s curiosity allowed me to blossom was a non-romantic relationship I had with a teacher. She asked me about myself and my goals and dreams and how I was working on them. I can say because of this teacher I pursued things I didn’t think I was capable of. As for men, it’s very rare that I even get follow up questions like “what about you?”. Most of the time I have to volunteer the info or ask them if they want to know anything about me. It’s become a red flag for me if a person doesn’t ask me questions about myself. It’s very important for me to find someone that is as curious about me as I am in them.

  • Catriona, you said Irish men are different. In what way? What is it that you feel is different in their mindset and behavior?

  • You didn’t talk about attraction. You can find someone interesting for discussion, for company, for practicing a hobby, intelligent, but not feel attracted to him Physically, and you wanna be his friend. It’s not superficial, physical is important, and that’s why, by the way, all guys prefere to be with a nice looking lady. People want to look at a nice face, a nice shape, everyday, that’s make a fucking difference.

    Sometimes you watch the movie, and you know you’ve just lost 2hours of your time, that’s why there are descriptions, and comments, you can do a research before watching, or at least know what you want, unless it’s a waste of time. Thank you :)

  • I often wish dating apps had a little video blurb. I find it hard to judge attractiveness from a photo. But when I hear how they speak or represent themselves, attraction can be more easily confirmed. Either it’s the model hot guy who turns out to be a dud with nothing interesting to say, or the guy next door type who happens to have charming witty speak and even has a sparkle in their eyes when they smile. It takes leg work to get there. I am absolutely more likely to open up when a guy shows genuine interest and offers fun/whimsical conversation. It’s just more fun to talk to that person. Someone who can drop the ego, and just take a chance seems more independent and sexy to me. Even if it doesn’t work out, it helps me open up and truly see them and vice versa. I’m pretty social and often guys think we have a great connection because I make it easy for them to open up. My standards are a little higher than just good conversation, but at least it gets my foot in the door more often. I’m dating someone now and enjoying getting to know them.

  • Hi Matthew,
    Thank you for your insights!
    Not sure this story fits but:

    I went out for dinner on a date.
    The server stopped by to take our plates. My date stopped her and said, “I’m still working on that!”
    When she left he growled under his breath, “take your paws off my plate.”
    It reminded me of when I was living in Tokyo.
    It was 10:30 at night in the middle of Fall.
    I was exhausted having worked all day and was waiting for a train at Yokohama station.
    I looked around for an available seat on the platform and then finally spied one.
    It appeared to have a can of coffee forgotten there.
    I placed the can on the ground and sat down with a sigh.
    Immediately a voice beside me growled in Japanese, “WTF are you doing, foreigner?”
    I froze for an instant before turning to him with a slight bow and responded, “Please forgive my rudeness.”
    After a couple of seconds he came back with, “I’m sorry.”
    “That’s okay,” I said. “It’s been long day for everyone.”
    We struck up a conversation and by the time our train arrived we’d both forgotten how tired we were.
    I shared that story with my date. He loved it and I think he felt a little ashamed of himself at the end of it!

  • Hi Matt I met someone in Jan 2018 online and he was most amazing to carry a conversation with. I was not really looking to meet someone at the time but he really took the time to ask me questions and our conversations just blossomed for months after. I only gave him my ph number after like 6 wks. We talked daily through the site we met and I met him in person a few wks before he got my number. It was an amazing connection where we talked about our kids shared photos and things going on in our lives daily when we did not see each other face to face, which actually come to think of it. I felt more like a pen pal but now that seems to have gone away now that he realizes I have developed actual feelings for him. Now our conversations are when it seems more convienient for him and he does not make time for me anymore. But yes he did get me to open up on levels I had not done in a long time as I was in a very toxic relationship prior to that. So maybe he was just in my life to help me open up I don’t know but after getting to know him better and him convincing me for months that he would be worth my time and I did start to fall for him unfortunately, he may seem to think of me as only a friend that he communicates on occasion now as he pulled back. So now wondering if he was just a player. He words do not match his actions. .

  • I felt so dissapoint for some man they will aproach later they no more calling or chatting what can i do to such man.

  • I m scroll thousands of man in dating app but I don’t like man .. it seem quite lonely in my heart .. I need man but I don’t believe I realtionship because someone broken my heart .. damage my all feeling .. what can I do ?
    M forget that person but how ??

  • Hi Matt,

    Last year I met a guy who was so interesting that has done so much with his life that it made me feel a little less special, spontaneous and that I haven’t done anything interesting with my life, but I shared a lot of my interesting story’s that made me seem less boring and more special. Needless to say we were in A relationship for 4 months, we lived together did everything together but the problem was, he still classed himself as single and I slowly realised that the relationship was in fact toxic, he would judge my appearance, pick out all of my floors and compare me to other people especially his ex. For once in my live I had let someone in and brought down my walls and fell in love (my walls had been up since an ex who was a psychopath raped me and turned my family against me). He started saying I had to stay at my mother’s more and then eventually move out, but I had little bits of evidence cropping up that he was cheating (condoms going missing and strange hair in the bed that wasn’t mine). We ended the relationship and since then I have been unable to find any attraction in anyone else. I have been on dates and have physically cringed with goodbye kisses. Now I know I’m not going to find Mr right because I’m not ready for Mr right and I’m focusing on myself. I’ve had people interested in me but I can’t bring myself to be interested in them (and I think this is a reoccurring problem with woman if you agree), even physical contact is uncomfortable. Online dating like tinder or plenty of fish or whatever apps out there are ok, but they are only glosserys into who people really are and when you meet them they’d be completely different, just like shows on Netflix, everybody is a critic and very sceptical.

    Love to know what you think!

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