I was surprised to scroll through the comments of my last video and find the following complaints:
- “Modern men are such cowards”
- “A real man should go after what he wants…”
- “This is beta male behavior…”
I have some strong opinions on this…
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Matt,
Aside from the great advice, I just appreciate that you sang the theme song from Dawson’s Creek at the start of this video. Made me laugh. x
LOL!! Thanks!!!! I was wondering what was that, and why it sounded familiar somehow…!
Hi Matt,
I love both videos and it makes me wonder how many opportunities I missed.
I wouldn’t have the courage to walk up to a guy and start a conversation, so I can totally relate to the subtle tryouts before they build up the courage to speak to their desired human. I would do just the same.
Oh one more thing you said you’re an equalist. I wish you’d say you are a feminist. Because feminism wants women to have the same rights as men already do. Being equal could mean striping away some rights of men. And I think that would be the wrong direction. All human should have the same rights not less.
(Sorry I know that is beside the point here :).)
Thanks for your great videos and advice and if I’ll win the lottery one day I’d love to come to your retreat.
Xoxo
Nadja
I absolutely love you. You have so many smart things to say. I have to say that I hate that girls are all like “we want equality” and all that but than they also say “a guy should call first” “a guy should come over first”. Like what??? I really wish that girls had more courage and approach a guy first just so they’d know how hard it is. And I really wish I was better and responding to guys subtle flirting. I go like “i should smile back” but lips just dont move. I hope you read this and give some advice if you can. Thank you so much
love how you still tried to help the people who were being hurtful. that said a lot about you.
<333
Thanks so much, Matt — this was a great follow-up to last week’s video. I don’t understand why women think it’s up to the man to walk up to her and say something all the time or that if a man knows what he wants, he should just go after it. What about the part of the woman in all this business? If we fuss about not being seen as the strong beings that we are, why would the dating scenario be any different?
I met the guy I am dating online; I was nervous about connecting with someone after having had a negative online dating experience. However, I saw this man’s profile and wanted to know more. I checked it out a few times before taking a deep breath and leaving a question on one of his photos; there were a couple of comments like ‘Nice pic’ from other women, but what is that? Like you have said in your teachings, these statements don’t create opportunities for conversation! I figured by leaving a question, we might begin an exchange. I got to a place where I accepted the notion that the worse thing that could happen would be that he wouldn’t answer. My question got the desired result — he responded and we started chatting on the site. I made the suggestion that we should meet up. He said it seemed like there was a mutual attraction (imagine how thrilled I was at that!) and gave me his number. I replied with my number. He called me straight away. We made plans to get together for lunch. That was last spring and we are doing well. I have moments where I wonder where it will go, but I step back and enjoy the moment. Sometimes he makes suggestions about where we should go or what we should do and I do the same. The idea is that we are in partnership as we increase our connection. That’s what it’s all about.
Thanks for letting me share and thanks for all you do! Your site and videos have been a lifesaver!
Thanks for writing this Andree, I wonder that all the time – moments where I wonder where it will go. SO important just to enjoy the moment and see where things take you, together in partnership. :)
Thanks, Jen! I’ve taken to keeping my own journal about all the things we’ve done that make me smile, that I think are thoughtful, or just times I’d like to remember. The first night I spent at his place (he’d been coming to mine) was on New Year’s Eve; when I went out to my car, there was a big maple leaf on my windscreen. I kept it, wrote the date and location on it, put it in a little plastic bag, and put it in my journal with a posting about the day :)
Amazing! That is a great idea. I’m usually bad a keeping record of things but you’ve inspired me to keep a journal of my own moments :))
You are most welcome! I am going about this relationship in a different way and one thing I am doing is trying to keep more memories :)
Perfect response to those silly comments! Those folks may not have heard a THING you said in this video, but thanks for saying it to all of us who completely get it and have to deal with people who function with those nasty, harsh attitudes (especially when they are your girlfriends)! Yay!
Masterful! I love the part at the end about empathy, for ourselves and for others. So true!
From another guy’s perspective:
I really appreciate that you covered these points, Matt. Some women are simply extremely difficult people to please and to get along with, as are some men. All of the letters you read, in my mind, were from such women. Some of those women might well be physically attractive, but I’d pass on all of them, if I got a whiff of any of those attitudes.
BUT…A lot of men really do need to stop wishing and waiting and whining about not getting any…love or sex or whatever it is they’re looking for in women. Rejection is part of it. A man who meets a lot of women will experience a lot of rejection…and some acceptance. A man who meets NO women will experience no rejection…and no acceptance.
There are plenty of ways to increase a guy’s chances…hygiene, grooming, working out, getting some coaching, getting a wingman, just going out with the intention of talking to a specific number of women with no other goal, so that it won’t matter if she rejects him or not, because his goal is JUST to talk to them (unless he is clearly offending everyone he talks to, in which case he should probably get some coaching first before hitting the bars again!). If he does meet that certain number of women, he meets his goal. And the number can be 10 or a hundred…doesn’t matter, he’ll be getting experience he can learn from and become more comfortable AND more effective. Sorry if that’s treating women as a “numbers game”, but men who easily talk to women have ALREADY experienced those numbers. The point is, fear of rejection is common, I experience it too, but after getting some positive signals, guys who still refuse to give it a go have themselves to blame.
Last thought: There are a lot of men who shame other men for not being “alpha males” too. In my experience, many of those self-dubbed “alpha males” have serious flaws in their characters, from Daddy issues to outright narcissistic sociopathy. Not all, but many of them are just annoying people. For the vast majority of us, like you said, in a lot of ways we totally rock, and sometimes we don’t.
They are oll around us’ but we are too beasy with what we don’t have and complaining for not having the ability too change that’ and that’s it makes a hole inside woman’ and after we fill tired of trying’ but these point of view you say Matt it shows that Gys are wonderful any way’ we just need how to talk with them
.You are a true inspiration.Sorry for all those negative comments.Perzonally i enjoyed your last video as well as all the others.Keep up the amazing work you do can’t wait for next Sunday.
Hi!! Well I love your answers about the post people made in your last video. But I think some of then were talking about a guy that they have been daiting or knowing for a while.
Ofcourse, I agree with you If you just met the person. But what about the guy you´ve been daiting for a while and you know he likes you. But he don´t say or do anything more or show his feelings off??
nailed it!
It’s too bad that people are so judgmental. I actually liked the 7 subtle signs and thought it was very helpful. I know I have missed many opportunities and will now be more aware.
Thanks Matthew for an enlightening video.
Michele
Thank you Matt!! It is so true and valuable comments.
The truth be told, those angry or bitter comments are calling for some love.
We are all humans and sending body signals all the time. So woman/man should not be surprised if they sending the wrong signals and actually repel themselves from each other.
If you smile, you already started a great connection no matter where you are. So simple but so easily forgotten.
…So appreciate the wise and inspired thoughts you share and grateful for your generosity! You make me feel like I have taken the best shower ever refreshed renewed and ready to bring my best, most loved and loving self out into the world. Thanks for this hot stuff!!!
Sarah
Great message!!!! Be compassionate! Everyone has moments of insecurity and hates rejection. In the dating world we can get so focused on being clever or sassy that we forget kindness. And kindness comes more naturally to me. Thank you!
This was good. Really good. I appreciate this the most of any of the videos I have watched from you. Last week’s video had a lot of value for me also. Thank you.
Hi Matthew, I completely agree with what you have said regarding this topic. I don’t believe that the issue lies in whether or not a man or woman can instantly pursue someone with conviction and confidence. I believe the real frustration lies with women who have opened the door, travelled through quite some time with a man and notice that despite all that appears to be positive, the men at that point don’t have it in them to step up to the true challenge of commitment etc… I have listened to many of your other videos regarding all the reasons why this occurs however that would be moreso the situation that would prompt women to say “where are all the real men?”
In my observation I see that most of my friends typically don’t encourage a man to approach them. This isn’t really where the frustration lies. Women are used to being hit on for the most part and are often quick to dismiss an interested man. I believe what frustrates women is when things seem to be going well and yet the men of today just don’t approach the relationship with conviction. They are either afraid, insecure, don’t see the value in it or string along hoping something better comes along. Us ladies think of the ways of the past when a man felt that it was important to build his family, his life etc… with a woman (despite whatever was going on his mind). These days everyone seems to protect themselves more than want to give to others. That is what I find to be our sad reality. That is why I agree with all of your previous teachings. People in general need to know themselves and not try to find the saviour in another. That will come much easier if you respect and know yourself first. People wlll only treat you how you let them. Thank you for listening!
I don’t know if my comment will matter. But just wanted to give my own personal take on this, which i’m hoping will cause some empathy towards the guys who are mislabelled but are privately suffering the way I’m suffering right now.
Looking back at my dating and relationship experience. All i’ve ever gotten from it is pain. I got wrongly judged as shy and wasn’t taken seriously by the girls I liked. It would often be the case that I would either be patted on the back for being too nice or passed up by the guys that would bully me.
Thinking there was something wrong with me, I got into pickup and PUA so I can learn not to be the guy I was. And what resulted was the opposite to what I wanted. Sure I got results, but it meant having to no longer be vulnerable and to hide my feelings, which lead to even more pain. I went from being the nice guy to the guy that women was frustrated with but still wanted to sleep with. In short. It damaged my soul and caused me to lose the person who I can wholeheartedly say is my soul mate.
I’m now at a place where I’m fed up and lost. I can’t be nice or callous. I have an identity that’s simply borderline narcissistic and care free. Everything I’ve ever done to try and get better and get a handle on this area of my life has fallen short and has given me nothing but pain and anxiety.
I’m now at a place where I was once interested to know what women wanted so I could be a better man, to now being clueless and not giving a shit. And i’m starting to believe that there are no winners in the realm of human relationships. Only losers.
If there’s anyone out there who can shed some light of my frustrations. I would be really appreciative to hear it. My therapist has yet to provide me with a concrete solution.
I think it’s perfectly understandable that many men struggle to ask women out and don’t wish to deal with rejection. I don’t consider it to be cowardly. And men are under more pressure socially to initiate relationships than women so I don’t hold guys to any dating standards in this area as I bet if we women were having to initiate more, we wouldn’t be too effective at it ourselves!! If anything, I respect guys who don’t come off over confident in asking people out and have a shy side.