What Happened to All the “Real” Men?

I was surprised to scroll through the comments of my last video and find the following complaints:

  • “Modern men are such cowards
  • “A real man should go after what he wants…”
  • “This is beta male behavior…”

I have some strong opinions on this

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111 Replies to “What Happened to All the “Real” Men?”

  • Hi Matt,

    Great video. I completely understand why men do not always feel comfortable enough to talk to women and I feel sad for women who don’t understand that. I am at times terrified to go up to a man myself, because I don’t want to get hurt, so it’s logical for me that quite a lot of men have that same terrified feeling. Sure, I would like them to be a bit braver, but when I’m not brave enough myself I can’t blame them for being insecure and shy.

    Keep up the good work!

  • You know what? Some of us sometimes do make the mistake of expecting too much for too little, especially in the beginning. This was a mistake I made because I was clueless and didn’t understand what made another person tick.

    And depending on our age and maturity, many of us make the mistake of thinking our looks and wit are what attracts and keeps the opposite sex interested. Nothing to do with it. Those of us for whom the penny has dropped finally realise that we long for someone who has the ability and desire to understand and have empathy and caring for our feelings and needs. The beautiful and witty yet self-focused one who can’t connect or relate to the feelings and needs of others because his or her own are too all-important are the ones we avoid. The appearance and cleverness of a person who doesn’t yet possess the finer qualities that make us feel happy and alive and loved are diminished by this lack. However, someone who is more ordinary looking but who focuses upon understanding someone else’s needs and feelings as well as their own – and is generous with their time and effort – appears more and more beautiful in the eyes of their beholder.

    1. Mmmm… Many of us can’t even get that deep b/c guys can’t flirt anymore, can’t get numbers, if he agrees to a date I likely initiate very simply and without exposing too much too soon while keeping it light & fun, 90% of the time he’s gonna flake. Tell Matt to start a matchmaking event, and THEN he can observe for himself how sh*t really goes down, lol. Has anyone ever been to singles dating events? I have. And man are they painful. I’ve pretty much tried it all– online dating, speed dating (this I recommend, it’s very efficient), singles events, the grocery store, doing the things I love (met a dude at a yoga class even– he just wanted to bone), and I smile & talk to men everywhere I go. Men in 2017 just aren’t the same breed; and it’s not enough to know where to meet more of them– it’s about where are all the truly good men?

      1. Roxie i do agree that when I was in my teens and my 20’s and 30’s things were different with the dating scene. I feel back then( and I’m now 53) that men looked more for partners to share their life with than to just have sex with. Therefore they would have their life together. I too are meeting more of the guys that are living at home and what not, however I know that there are, like you said very rare men, that are out there that do have their life together and seriously looking for women like us. Sad part is you have to start somewhere with someone to weed out the bad from the good. And i feel like I’m always having to start over with someone new and I’m not about to give up.

      2. Roxie, I understand where you are coming from. Partly due to my education/career, I met my husband later than many friends and neighbors.

        First, to address your comment of “everyone my age is getting married and having kids.” From my experience, not everyone who gets married and has kids are in a healthy, happy relationship. Some may have gotten married because they didn’t want to be alone, they don’t want to put effort into trying to find someone so they’ll date/marry whoever, they’re doing it “for the kids,” they’ve dated since high school and it was the “next step” even though they are no longer in love/interested and are growing apart, drugs/domestic violence, etc… In those relationships, their contempt for their partner and resentment grows, they’re unhappy, and they’re headed for divorce.

        For the couples who do get married and are in a healthy happy marriage, that means if they can find someone, then you can too! When I was dating, my thought was if there are billions of people in the world, then I should be able to find someone too. Therefore, the more you date, the more opportunities you have of meeting someone that you want to have a happy, fulfilling relationship with!

        In terms of dating/marriage, in the olden days people did not necessarily marry for love! Women were the property of their families and husbands. Women had little say in who their partner would be, which was the experience of my grandmother. She didn’t get to choose her husband because women weren’t allowed to vote/own property/have their own money/etc… Even now, in poor countries, women don’t get to choose who their partner will be. So, as frustrated as you may be, think of every date as an opportunity where you get to choose, which is very empowering.

        In the past, many people would marry someone in their tiny village because everyone had the same interests/values/goals. They would meet someone through family or friends. Now, this is not the case! In a single town/city, there are so many people with different interests/values/goals. My dating experience allowed me to experience and learn new things. It helped me learn what I liked/didn’t like and expand my own interests/world.

        In terms of men, my belief is “what you see is what you get.” People are habitual by nature and have to put great effort in themselves to change. In the past, there were men who were less than honorable as there is now! Only now they may do yoga or play video games, which didn’t exist back then. The good men are out there but fewer and therefore harder to find. Because if you weren’t trying to find a good man, you would have settled for the first man you met.

        So where are the good men? Go to where men gather, which will increase your chances of finding the good man you are looking for. If you’re looking for an academic, try the universities. If you’re looking for someone who will go to church with you, become more involved at church. Try the sports bar, where men meet up with their friends for a drink after work. Try the home improvement store, where men get supplies to repair things.

        Another aspect for me was I kept meeting and dating the wrong guys so that when I met the right guy (my husband,) it actually felt different and I almost prematurely ended the relationship!

        Good men will not necessarily approach you because like Matthew Hussey said, they get nervous too. For example, my husband almost didn’t get out of the car to greet me on our first date because he was so nervous.

        The other part of why it took time to find my husband was timing. I always said that when I met my husband, I would ask him, what took you so long?!

        So I tracing his timeline and mine before we met. Turns out my husband had actually been to some of the same places I had been but he and I were there at different times! While I was looking for him, he was looking for me!

        There were also some life lessons I had to learn on my own and it took time for me to grow and become the person I am today and to be ready for what my husband and I have now. The same was true for him. My husband and I agree that if we had met earlier when we were younger, things would not have worked out for us.

        Lastly, Matthew Hussey’s dating advice actually works! I discovered his work after I had just gotten married but still follow him because his advice can be used for other aspects of my life (ex. communication in relationships, self-empowerment, etc…). His advice works because what he teaches are the same lessons I learned along the way in the dating world leading up to, meeting, getting married, and still use in my marriage now. Had I known about his work earlier, it would have saved me more time, energy, heartache because he lays out the lessons about what you can do.


  • So many wonderful points…Hit the nail on the head again….Love these weekly videos…Keep them coming Matthew! Hugs! ;) <3

  • Great response video! BTW, I apply what I learn from your videos in my business, everyday. You dole out some valuable gems for day-to-day interaction, not just a “man-hunt”.
    2 things resonate with me:
    1. I think it is sad that we are so instant gratification oriented, today. Isn’t flirting a subtle art…a dance? It is a masterful language of its own. Kudos to you with your silly/spot on video about it. Keep on, brother.
    2. We get back what we give out in this universe. Say no more. : ))

    Can’t wait to see what you have up your sleeve for next week’s video!

  • I got all the signs off a guy in work asked him out he bailed on me last minute. but kept flirting, kept sublty touching lots of eye contact. but never asked me out I ended up leaving the job because I`d fallen hard for him. Just felt he was playing with me for the amusement of everyone else. if he had just asked…

  • Hear Hear! I meet so many beautiful men, some need more encouragement then others, it’s all good. I just enjoy the moment with them, where ever that may lead us.

  • Perhaps you can offer some insight on a trend I notice and cannot seem to get a straight answer on:
    Most relationship improvement seminars and services are geared toward women. Scroll through your Facebook feed and see how many memes are geared toward women finding and knowing their own worth. When a woman isn’t being treated right in her relationship, her family and friends will rally around her and tell her to leave, and rightfully so.
    Yet I can’t help but wonder why the onus seems solely on women.
    When do we start sitting the men down and say ” hey, you have a good woman, she doesn’t deserve to be treated the way you treat her.” Society is quick to look at the woman and say “you can do better” but I seldom if ever see anyone look to the men and say “and you can be better.”
    When do we sit the men down and start telling them that they’re better men than this.

  • Wish I had followed your weekly videos before. Thank you for educating us Matthew!! ;) So eye opening, I now realise why men haven’t been approaching me in the past :)

  • Bravo! This needed to be said. It really does ruin the experience of using your site when I read through the comments and hope to share my thoughts, etc, and find so much negativity. I understand why people can feel that way – I’ve just been dumped myself and I am not exactly a happy bunny at the moment. But aren’t we all here to understand better why things are the way they are in our lives and to learn how to make the changes we need. There are plenty of places to rant about guys. I don’t want to do it/read it here, in what is usually such a positive space.

  • Your points on that behavior are so true and compassionate. Defensiveness is what we have to see in ourselves and learn that we have nothing to defend and in doing so we can be so much kinder to ourselves and others. Thanks for such great insight, as ever.

  • Loved how the gal recognized that she may have missed out on some opportunities. Though I do this… I love how you point out that one can miss out on that part of the “dance”. You’re my favorite coach! I recommend you to my friends and new friends seems like every day! I deserve to find a guy like you.

  • Uh, no, Matt. You’re completely missing the point. This…let’s call it “inconvenient” male behavior is part of a bigger societal trend wherein guys these days (notice that I’m not calling them “men”) are cowards, liars, manipulative, and flakers– well after the point of number exchange. They think it’s fine to make zero committment, to use women like sexual objects if they can get far enough, they think Polyamory is good, many of them still live with their parents, don’t have careers, and then yes– on top of it, many have lost the art of courtship, flirting, have no game, and flake SO often. Real men, men who have careers, live alone, are truly kind, have courage, and know how to not be afraid to talk to another human being who is very easy to talk to? Those men are rare. In the words of Aziz Ansari, there is a lot of riff raff out there that we have to deal with. It’s easier to be gay & polyamorous right now (which I mean in a non-judgemental way, be who you are, I envy your cohorts) than it is to be straight, hetero, and monogamous. There are less and less quality men out there… At least in my area of California. Not to mentiok the older I get, the men seem to stop working out and think David the Gnome is a physical standard to model one’s self after; and everyone my age is getting married and having kids. Even if he’s actually attractive and in shape, he has a GF or a kid. It is HARD.

      1. I mostly agree with you except when you mentioned that looks living with parents part, when I was 27 I was still living with my parents not because I wanted to but I wasn’t financially able to leave, I had a job working my to a home, I had a lot happen once I turned 18 so once I was finally able to start moving forward with my life I’ve been playing catch up but at least I was working towards something, at age 33 I finally bought a house, took longer than I wanted but I did it, just because you live with your parents doesn’t mean you should right away write that person off, could possibly miss out on someone worth it, not always especially if they give other bad signs as you mentioned however the parent thing isn’t always black and white

    1. Hi Roxie – from the UK!!!

      I agree with everything you said and it is the same here in UK! The dating sites here are the worst where men admit to being so lazy and half-hearted in their efforts mostly will not bother to enter the briefest of details or even a photo! Thus making it hard to know if they are still married or just boring! Yet I keep trying to ask a cheerful question, a cheeky request for a photo and acknowledge conversation with people when socialising. Dating does seem a one-way street where men say “ask me a question” and you do all the running cause I am too lazy! On the bright side, I did have a look at an Amercian Web-site and the men looked like models compared to ours who look just scary! I am not sure it is empathy that is required more a sense of humour and to- be- met -half way! It is no fun pushing these mules! Why are there so many sites all telling women to change?

  • Matthew = what about doing a video for the “Older” person. I am 65 been on my own for over 20 years. Sex to me is not that important. I want someone to hang with and go to dinner with and enjoy a conversation with. When you reach my age the ratio of women to men increases substantially. How do we catch an older guys attention. Where do we find them? I do go out for drinks but find it hard to talk to men. I think the older person would open a whole new demographic of listeners if you could tell us how to meet someone, how to flirt, how to let someone know you are interested etc.

  • A lot of missed opportunities. Indeed!
    After watching many of your videos, I started to initiate light conversations with men and I can’t believe why I didn’t do this sooner.
    Thanks for pointing this out– it takes two to miss out on an opportunity ;)

  • Matt, I appreciated your thoughts and the mature genuine way you responded. That is the right way exactly to not only respond to such harsh criticism,but hopefully appeal to others, in efforts to help them grow to understanding and gracious behavior. I have a wonderful man in my life,and your very good coaching has given me further refinement and insight in some details that I have loved implementing in my relationship,even though it is a great relationship already. Thank you,sir Matt,for all you do and please keep persevering in your good work.

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