So last week I did a video on shyness which seems to have struck a nerve.
There were many comments – the majority overwhelmingly good – but also a little controversy which has led me to want to do Part II. Here it is. Enjoy!
Here’s the difference between ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’ as I see it:
–Introversion is associated with being part of someone’s nature.
–Shyness is derived from insecurity. It’s a polite word for being scared.
If we want to overcome shyness, we have to overcome rejection. There are two ways to do this:
1) Get accepted and reinforce a different behaviour
To see that you can talk to someone and get a positive result.
2) Get rejected more
More rejection doesn’t have to make you more insecure. If you talk to people who have to go through a lot of rejection every day – whether it’s people who make cold calls, actors going to auditions, you name it, they’ll tell you that they can become desensitised to that rejection.
We have to decide who we want to be – regardless of acceptance or rejection.
If you go into a situation craving acceptance, it’s going to feel needy and desperate and people will pick up on it.
Go for rejection. Get rejected as much as possible, because the fastest way to get accepted as much as possible (and from the people who will be most beneficial to you) is to be congruent with who you really are.
Hope you enjoyed the video! Thanks to everyone who commented last week. Stay tuned and I’ll be back with more soon!
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Having trouble with shyness? Check out my online program The Man Myth that will walk you through simple steps to meet more men, build attraction, and find out if he’s right for you.
MATT: I was at your Seattle show recently and I actually knew you were an introvert based on all your dating tips. They seemed perfect for someone like me and I thought this guy has GOT to be an introvert. THANK YOU!
TO MY FELLOW INTROVERTS (and curious extroverts): I recently read a book that talks in depth about what Matt covered: “The Introvert Advantage: Making the Most of Your Inner Strengths,” by Marti Olsen Laney. This book seriously changed my life. I look at myself so much differently. In the past I punished myself for not being like the rest of the world. Laney gives you freedom from that. The book lists a TON of tips about how to work with being an introvert. And actually, it even talks about the difference between shyness and introvert (Matt was right on the money regarding that).
As Matt advised, she encourages you to learn some of the skills of the extrovert. She has a specific section in the book about dating. Introverts tend to want to cut the dating process short because they hate being uncomfortable…the author gives tips for learning how to move past those tendencies.
READ IT!!
MATT: I was at your Seattle show recently and I actually knew you were an introvert based on all your dating tips. They seemed perfect for someone like me and I thought this guy has GOT to be an introvert. THANK YOU!
TO MY FELLOW INTROVERTS (and curious extroverts): I recently read a book that talks in depth about what Matt covered: “The Introvert Advantage: Making the Most of Your Inner Strengths,” by Marti Olsen Laney. This book seriously changed my life. I look at myself so much differently. In the past I punished myself for not being like the rest of the world. Laney gives you freedom from that. The book lists a TON of tips about how to work with being an introvert. And actually, it even talks about the difference between shyness and introvert (Matt was right on the money regarding that).
As Matt advised, she encourages you to learn some of the skills of the extrovert. She has a specific section in the book about dating. Introverts tend to want to cut the dating process short because they hate being uncomfortable…the author gives tips for learning how to move past those tendencies.
READ IT!!
Hi Matthew, I like this video. I feel like it’s made for me. I do need to overcome my weakness, shyness,and grow my talent and skills in my social life. You my mentor.
Lots of love from Sydney
I heard once somewhere that life begins where fear ends.
I agree that every one of us has feared rejection etc. But the funny thing is that life is actually simple than we think it is. I think we put wrong meaning to words like example rejection.
In this world only unique people exist, so example fearing rejection is just kind of stupid, because you alone are like yourself. There is nobody like you, so why to fear rejection? If you want to overcome rejection you just have to over think the situation- the word rejection. The people you meet are just been lucky to meet you because it has been only once in a lifetime opportunity to them… also to you because you met them.
To me rejection = just bad timing :)
My advise is that do not take rejection personally and your life becomes more fun, you will learn more and remember, where fear ends life begins ;)
SO, I think we fear too many things and once we drop all the fear, then we will realize how silly we have been.
NB: as soon as I hear myself saying I`m afraid…I change my thinking and I automatically start to giggle. I try not to worry about the things I can`t control. I can`t control every outcome like example rejection but I can control my attitude and my thinking :)
Like Matthew always says wait or create ;)
SO to me the only option is wait (= shy/excuse) or (=boring) create (=fun/life/learning)…in the end it`s your choice!
Yeah, I agree with getting rejected more to get over shyness; it’s like practice makes perfect, sometimes you fail, sometimes you don’t, you gotta take life with a pinch of salt, etc.
But I must say, at 3:26 one word- Damn!
Can you dress like this for all your videos?
This is my first time leaving a comment. The first video on shyness is my fav of all. Shy = scared is so true! Matt, you are awesome & adorable!! And I wonder if you laugh when girls use your own tips and tricks to try and get you?! Thanks for all the great advice! xo
Haha, if Jameson commented, that’s good right?! Last week you harassed him for NEVER commenting, he’s only trying to take your tips and apply them! ;-)
I also like the idea that as introverted people, we can get over our “shyness” but still accept OTHERS who are shy, and perhaps help them to break out of their patterns as well and encourage them to open up. My friend sent me an article recently about being a “pack leader” and the idea was that others respond to the energy we put out, whether that’s positive or negative energy.
Nice Matt. Nothing like saying it the way it is. I like to work like that very much. I speak my mind. Good work. Well done. Straight to the point :)
The more you are rejected the more you become immune, totally agree, it’s like finding a job. You keep going until you land the gig you want. Same with love.
I think these definitions need to be cleared up: being an introvert simply means that social situations drain your energy and that you gain that energy back through reflection and solitary activities. Vice versa, being an extrovert means that you feel more energized around lots of people and that you’re more prone to boredom when you’re alone. Your definition of shyness is correct. Even an extrovert can be shy.
Thank you for this definition.
Matt, you’re adorable and your advice is always spot on! I think you must have wisdom beyond your years. I’m so thankful I’ve found you and that you’re such an amazing advocate for women everywhere!! Thanks!!
~Tammy
Goodmonring Matty.. I love you more and more u always hit me on the way you talk the video and most of it you….
Keep on going update us. Have a good monday
I like your style and it works for me in my 30s.
But if your in a cycle of low self esteem and worth and your being rejected from your family and friends which i was for most of my teens and 20s its a hopeless place to be because you don’t know yourself v well… You end up with very low expectations of yourself.
If the people you love are critizing you for being so down and negative how to STOP the cycle….
Not sure, but maybe that’s in “how to stand up for yourself”.
Hi Matt,
Love the intro.
I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP) and it has its advantages and disadvantages. There is compassion and empathy however there are the tears that come with rejection. I am trying to live life as my authentic self in pursuit of my passions and it has made me most happy. If in this pursuit it requires me to face rejection then it is worth it to try.
Thanks.
I’m a HSP too, as well as an introvert, but I am most definitely not shy. I get on fine with people and am happy enough speaking to them and meeting new people, but being around them all the time and being in the places where people gather (usually full of bright lights and noise) is exhausting. I need alone time away from the excess stimuli or I end up tired and eventually depressed. If I end up with a guy in my life it needs to be someone that understands that or I’ll be miserable. I would much rather be boring and happy.
Shyness has nothing to do with it – I’ll happily chat to people on busses or in the coffee queue, and because of that people assume in extroverted when Im really not.
On a different train of thought, I recently discovered that in some places, its considered rude to chat to strangers in these kind of situations (on a bus, coffee shop, the street). As a Brit, that definitely struck me as odd, but I wonder how well Matts advice would work for those in such a situation, and whether he has ever come across such a place?
totally enjoyed this video :) Very true.
I do think people can get confused about shyness.
Sometimes it can just be down to a lack of conversational
skills. Or sometimes people have some conversational skills and not others. Smiling and initially giving people free imformation about yourself is very important
because it gives the other person something which they
can respond to.
It is probably a good idea for people to think about the
way in which they are shy, because once you are given the
label shy, you can get in a ball of tension and hyper-sensitivity which makes you clam up. You need to break the situation down a bit. Which diffuses the situation.
There may be some situations in which you are shy and some
situations you are quite the opposite!
It is always a good idea to have a wide variety of things
to talk about. So it is a good thing to try and tune in
to current affairs a little and more light hearted topics.
Read widely etc. Also people who are interested in other
people and ask pertinent (but not nosy questions) are
interesting aren’t they? You don’t actually have to talk
that much at all. Being a good listener is very charming.
I was very shy when I was younger and recall a couple of
people trying to insinuate that I was actually selfish and
just thinking about myself all the time. I did not think
this to be the case and pointed out that you could say the
same thing about extroverts, which shut them up.
Daily relaxation exercises and NLP techniques help some
people don’t they? You do of course have to find your own way to relax. Try to remember to have a sense of humour about yourself.
Also do not be to quick to accept other peoples opinions
about yourself. Remember people frequently make daft
assumptions about people, and everybody gets this. it
isn’t a bad idea to gently ask why they think something?
Sometimes it may be for a different reason than what you are assuming. I think Socrates understood this and used
to keep asking polite questions to ascertain why people
assumed certain things . So ultimately people had to face
there own erroneous assumptions.
Matt, please answer this:
When I’m speaking with someone, sometimes when I become aware that we’re making eye contact, I get self-conscious and have to pretend that something caught my eye just to break intense eye contact. Is this really weird? This goes for people I’m not even attracted to sometimes. I’m obviously not scared. Is this introversion, shyness?
Ok, to be 100% honest here, I feel uncomfortable when I feel that someone is attracted to me. Matt, is this weird? What’s wrong with me?
Love.
Angela, I totally get what you’re saying since I find myself doing the same thing. I think the fact that we get self-conscious when there’s intense eye contact is synonomous to being shy. Like Matt said in this video, shyness stems from insecurities. Being self-conscious is related to our insecurities.
I know I have to work on not turning away to break eye contact. But sometimes that self-conscious feeling gets a little too intense and I lose thought in what I was saying.
Hi Matt! Thank you for this it’s very helpful for me because I have always been shy. I have started to think about this that you don’t always have to be shy because that’s how you always have been and that’s how your family and friends sees you. I have started to think like this before I saw your video because it’s not very fun to always sit quiet and not sharing my thoughts and not feeling I belong as much. But it’s hard to get out of this label that I have because I have always felt that I must stay true and real to myself and that starting to talk more wouldn’t feel like me but I don’t think that’s true. A school teacher once told me “I don’t believe that you are shy, I believe that you have chosen to stay quiet”. I have always thought that was the thing but now it has given me trouble as I don’t feel so happy about being the invisible one, especially in school. I wish I had more practice to show my knowledge ang thoughts and to TALK. Because now when I’m 20 years old and have to grow up and be in more social meetings it’s hard to get out of how I think everyone must see me, the shy one.
The day before yesterday I came home from a trip to Norway with my grandmother and during six days we rode a bus with other pensioners. It doesn’t sound so fun but it was actually quite interesting and Norway have very beautiful nature! Anyway I heard one of the men say that he was 67 years old and never have had a woman in his life and I still wonder why. I don’t want that to happen to me so I think I must share more of who I am and don’t feel that I always must be shy because that’s who I am but also be who I want to be.
I hope you understod what I wanted to say and this is my first comment because I want to start share of me!
I like the suit!
I agree. I think the suit is very nice. So refreshing compared to the common guy clothes these days…at least in AmERica.
To all the other ladies (I’m guessing by the manner of the comments that these particular ones are younger), I think he’s getting a bit…ummm…tired (to put it softly) of the Harry Potter comments. They have been used before and they’re old.
To Matt, as I’ve said on most, if not all of your videos that I have so far watched, I agree with what you are saying. I am not afraid to admit that I am introverted and shy and that, like most human beings, I have that little annoying fear of being rejected. It’s not as strong as it used to be but I think that’s just because my focus has gone in a different direction.
Anyway, I do value your advice and opinions and I know there are plenty of others across the globe that feel that way too. So keep doing what you do, especially if this is what makes you happy. (I know I’m a cheesypoof)XD
Always make me laugh, thanks.