This is a question that is becoming more relevant in our society with the rise of social networking and its place in our everyday lives. The way in which new social media has infiltrated daily routine mean that never before has it been so easy to casually browse the social/professional/family lives of our exes 24/7.
The boundaries have shifted, and the click of a mouse is now the only thing that stands in our way of re-opening that bridge of communication with someone whom you have shared intense experiences with.
Is getting back with your ex boyfriend a good or bad idea?
Sparing a few seconds to think about an old flame is one of the most ubiquitous thought processes that occurs in the male and female mind, but why do we do it? What possible desire or use is there to be had by looking back? Well some of us simply haven’t gotten over the fact that that last relationship is indeed over.
This can indeed be an unpleasant place to be in, and I have witnessed first hand the needy, insecure effects this can have. Whatever golden age of communication we are currently, or will ever be in, opening contact in this state of mind clearly has its own pitfalls, however casual and laid back we think it may seem.
In my experience there are several positive reasons as to why we think about finished relationships:
- Shared emotion –Just because the relationship is finished, it doesn’t mean all those happy, intimate experiences you shared when you were a couple didn’t happen. By definition, entering a relationship is a decision based on the back of good memories and enjoying another’s company.What’s more, these happy memories are the ones that shimmer on the surface when you think back to time spent with your ex, as the negative experiences often fade or dull with time. We can start to think of an ex in the same way we thought of them when we first met them, which can lead to unexpected surge of affection or desire.
- Familiarity – So many pitfalls face the new couple these days, indeed the rise of social networking has made maintaining a private life free from pictures, social timetabling, relationship statuses and the like an active rather than a default process.With this in mind answer this question: In our daydream where we toy with the possibility of re-entering a relationship, does being back with that ex ever feel like a ‘new’ relationship? In my experience the answer is no, and reaching this place of mutual comfort and respect with a partner is something that is not in present in every relationship, making us value those that do have them, even if they were in the past.
- Risque – The intense experiences shared with an ex are varied as they are many, and some people will re-live most the comfort and security of sharing a mutual bond with a person who they are attracted to, whereas some will re-live the passionate and intimate moments most. These people may not necessarily think of a relationship when they think of an ex, they may think of re-kindling fiery sexual experiences.
The biggest reasons why you might want to
There are many reasons as to why we may feel that we would want to get back in contact with an ex, so in this age of having instant communication available to us 24/7, have the rules changed and is it more acceptable to do so? It certainly is less of social taboo to do so these days, especially when we think back to 20 years ago when re-establishing even the most casual form of contact meant calling up their home phone line.
A photo comment, an invite to a common friend’s gathering, a simple “happy birthday! X” can all suffice to do the same job as that heavy phone call; re-opening contact.
Additionally photo albums and access to people’s relationship statuses all serve to give us even more information as to whether contact would be likely to be met with a favourable response. Crucially, contact can be perceived to be so much more casual and off-the-cuff, defusing any nerves or desperation that could be present if you were to bump into your ex on the street.
Before you sign in to Facebook or think about re-tweeting a comment…
Whilst access to our past relationships has become easier with the rise of different social tools, the rules have only changed in relation to exactly that: the tools of communication.
The rules of good old person to person contact will never change. Sure the good memories stand out, but there were definitely bad ones, hence the finishing of the relationship. And no matter how casual we may sound when inviting an old flame for a casual cup of coffee when you happened to be near their office some day, if the whole thing was planned and you’re a nervous wreck desperate to manipulate any social tool available to us just to see your ex, then that will come across pretty quickly upon a meeting in person!
The bottom line is that this situation is different for everyone. If you happen to have moved on from your past relationships and indeed engaged in new ones only to realise upon long reflection that you never recaptured what you had with your ex, then sure, using the ever changing array of social tools available to re-open contact is now easier than ever before. If however, you still feel like or indeed have just been dumped and are desperate to ‘get your ex back’ then the same old rules apply, and bombarding your ex with unrequited messages of love will still not bring them back, with or without today’s technology.
Certain signs of attraction from a guy and little hints can be enough for you to fully understand if he still likes you and wants to get back with you, so watch out for those.
hi!
please I was with a lady for 6yrs and she ended up with me and went for another guy. the guy she went into date with also broke up with his lady at the same time. I then propose the lady and I’m with her now. unfortunately for my ex girlfriend, she has ended up with the guy she went with. now the guy is contacting my lady who used to be his lady always, so now I don’t know what to do. should I continue with my relationship or I should forget about it? please I need a reply. thanks.
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Hey,
Love the blog. I recently broke up with my ex. He was a kind, caring, guy with a great personality. I didn’t stick by his side though because he has a few mental problems. He loves me so much though, and he just wants to show that he is apologetic and that he cares.
Hi Matt,
I met a guy through work, I’m an interior designer and he’s a client and we’re both from different countries. We both were attracted to each other from the moment we saw each other. He started flirting and hanging out. He even asked for permission to do so as its not professional. As we gpt comfortable woth each other,he started sharing his personal pictures, the activities he liked, things about his family. I also reciprocated as it felt nice. We even spent time together setting up the building and had many special romantic moments. We had tremendous chemistry.
However as time came nearer for him to leave the country (after 1 year of our work together), he started to distance himself slowly. On asking him, he said its not professional that we be together, and I mentioned that it was him who started this. When we met he said a relationship between us would not work as he is moving back, he got a new job.
So we broke up from whatever we had between us. I sent him a good bye note and changed my work to be independent, so I wouldn’t have to deal with his emails and not let work be a reason to be in or get out of a relationship.
In this no contact period (4-6 days in), he has started emailing me on my personal email. He is asking me for my plans and says he can help. He says he wants my collections for his own home.
Matt, please help me on what to say to him and how I should react to this man. He does feel something for me as he used to say we make such an amazing team. But I want us to be together for the right reasons and not for work.
Looking forward to your reply as I couldn’t find answers to handle a situation like this in any of your programs that I subscribed to.
Thanks, Sal
I already bought your guide. Does your guide get back to your ex also count after only 4 months relationship? We went pretty fast with everything… Too fast maybe. Even though I communicated this at the beginning, he was the one who wanted it that fast and said I love you maybe too soon. and now he says he is happy to be a little bit alone and he needs space and time and is not ready for a relationship. Friends of mine say that when a guy says this after only a few months relationship, a break for three or four weeks will only teach him that it is really better and healthier to be alone. That for him it will be a relaxed way of going out of the relarionship.it was very intense with us. Today he said that maybe when he solved some.problems in his life, we could start at new. And that we went to fast. But as my friends say… I believe a break is just a way for a relaxed getting out. Thanks
Well I made friends with my ex, and I’m literally confused by him we both have moved on despite me not having a partner, I see him every couple of months & he keeps telling me his new girlfriend is a nutcase & moans how he can’t finish with her, he even asked me once to go to his without his girlfriend knowing, but I look on his girlfriends fb page & everything is fine between them, I just told him to sort it out & do whatever is best for him, I don’t wanna b involved in his new relationship troubles if there are any? His the 1 who finished with me, he said till we get things sorted? Which meant till when? Then he texts me 2 months after breaking my heart asking for sex, ( he claims his friend did it behind his back) obviously I said no u ignored me for months , we met up to sort it out & became friends, he even asked me to tell his new girlfriend what a nice guy he is to have as a boyfriend obviously he hasn’t told his girlfriend he dated me but how can I tell his girlfriend what his like as a boyfriend when according to her I haven’t dated him ? And how can I when he keeps telling me he wants to finish with her? I mean I’ll admit his fairly attractive but I have enough common sense to not get involved with him ever again, but I’m just wondering is he trying to get with me behind her back or just make me jealous? All his done is make me feel paranoid about the whole situation.
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Hi Matthew, I always find advice of what to do when your partner doesn’t want to commit – wait/not wait/how to behave… but what if the partner is struggling with her family accepting the new relationship so she is in the middle of a limbo herself (knowing she loves the boyfriend) but if at the time, the boyfriend says look find out what you need and I might be here or not when you decide, is not helpful. What advice can you give this person because generally I find always advice for other other one. Many thanks for your help
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