There is nothing sadder to me than hearing people give up on love.
Today’s video is a little different from recent ones. I really hope it resonates and that despite the hardships I know you’ve been through, you can make this area a priority in going on to fulfil your potential.
Whether they go right or wrong, relationships mean potential.
Relationships give us so much opportunity to find more out about who we are, to better understand human nature, and to share experiences and different ways of living.
If you’ve found yourself falling into the same cycles again and again with men, I know it’s not easy. But it doesn’t have to be this way. In making a slight shift to your mindset, you can go on to create an entirely different set of outcomes.
Try these 4 steps to break the pattern you’re currently experiencing…
1) Define the goal
If our goal is to get it right every time, that’s a problem. If that’s your mentality, you’re going to give up because you’ll never win.
The goal has to be…
*I’m going to be the person I want to be in this world.*
Start by being who you want to be, and then filter out the people who don’t accept that.
2) Live by YOUR standards
Allow yourself to live up to the standards you’ve set yourself for how you want to express yourself.
If someone takes this the wrong way, that’s fine, you can move on and look for someone else who will be better suited to them.
3) Chunk it down
Instead of thinking ‘this is going to be my life-partner forever’ or ‘this is the person I’m going to get married to and have kids with’, we have to chunk down.
These things you want are the byproducts of incredible moments with someone.
Getting married is the byproduct of incredible moments that lead two people to a place where they want to get married.
Having kids is the byproduct of magical moments where you feel a shared intimacy that makes you want something that’s greater than the two of you.
4) Strive for MOMENTS
We have to look to achieve MOMENTS, not grand visions for how our lives could be with someone twenty years down the road.
The big vision creates overwhelm and makes us feel like a failure every time we have a false-start.
Instead focus on moments of shared connection.
Moments like…
–I want to have a smile with someone.
–I want to have an unusual conversation over a coffee.
–I want to sit at a bar, flirt and have fun.
It starts here. The moments are the building blocks.
Just focus on bringing your all to the moments.
If you’re sitting here reading this thinking, ‘I’ve given up, I can’t do this anymore, it’s over…’, don’t even think about the big vision right now.
You don’t need to take on the burden of ‘going out to find a life-partner’. But I do need you to have the courage to say, “I’m going to go and have a great moment.”
Don’t deny yourself connection because one part of you feels that there isn’t hope, or that it isn’t going to go right.
Instead put your excitement into the moments in front of you that could turn into something magical if you’re open enough to let them happen.
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I’m really looking to get this video around to as many people as possible. If you know just one person that this could help, it would mean the world to me for you to share it with them.
Impeccable timing as ever. Sat in a hostal,room in rainy Cairns, on my own, having had the best part of my trip cancelled due to engine blowing up & stupid tour company charging me $50 ‘admin fee’ to be refunded. Guy I dated before I came away for my RTW (planned before we met) was dating some- one else before I eve
Hey, Matt!!
The video was great, thanks a lot!! I related a lot with your ideas, I do this quite a lot… giving up on things, because I always go for the grand finale and I’m just training myself for disappointment… I forget just to build everything with patience, step by step :)
But the thing is, I don’t know how to find the balance between having standards and family perspective and being casual…
You see.. I have these two extremes in my life… I am a very attractive young woman, I’m a musician and I meet lots of men all the time in concerts and parties… and the extremes I meet are the men who want to marry me, even though they barely know me and the ones who see me just like a good fun… and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong… because the ones who want to marry me are not the ones I relate the most to :)
Help?
LOVEEEEEE the longer videos do not like the choppyness of the shorter more edited video’s it takes away from the brilliant content which you have to share with us! Less is much more!
Hi Matt! I enjoy your blog and videos a lot! But I’m hoping that you when you give advice, you could talk a bit about long distance situations. Me and lots of my friends are doing long distance now, and it’s very difficult to follow suggestions such as short dates. In my case, I met my guy online a month ago and we’ve dated once. Now it seems we can see each other probably twice a month at most and talk once or twice a week because we’re both very busy and our off times don’t always overlap. As a result, out first date and the upcoming second last for the entire weekend and are intensely packed with activities we want to do together. So far it seems all great and fun, but I can’t help wondering how long we can keep doing this. For example the advice of “have short dates and often to make dating part of your life” doesn’t really apply here, because we have to go out of our ways to make time for each other. Also it’s difficult to limit texting to entertainment and logistics. So please also mention long distance situations in your blogs and videos in the future!!
Thanks!
Firstly, I think your message trumps the duration of any of you videos so don’t you worry about that hussey.
Secondly, I thought your “7 Things I’d Tell my Teenage Self” was your worst video. You’ve always done a great job with taking abstract ideas and motivating people, putting ideas into action…. but this video was one of the most wish washy videos ever. You should have focused on something specific, instead of doing something so general and cliche. Hit me up if you think I’m wrong.
Great video, makes a lot of sense actually to see it as achieveable moments, rather than something overwhelming. I like the way this video was shot this time too. Thanks for the advice.
Hi Matt,
I discovered you when feeling very down about a failed relationship. Your little videos were enormously useful in helping me feel good again, so I bought your ebook and am thoroughly enjoying that too. As a result I have currently 4 men who I like, that are very interested in me. Two of these men had previously rejected me, including the one I had the failed relationship with!! Don’t worry, I am being sensitive about everyone’s feelings. But I am not going back to the guy who hurt me either. His loss!!
It just something I wanted to share with you. Also…
This video made me feel compelled to add a comment as I too have met loads of women who have given up. Mostly because the men they were married too had affairs and hurt them very deeply. I’m going to pass this on to them and see if it makes a difference. Fingers crossed!!
PS. Like the longer style. Perhaps not always appropriate, but this time it is.
PPS. Is Jameson really a bottle of whiskey off camera or do his parents have a good sense of humour? ;-)
PPPS. Sorry Jameson xx
Agreed! It’s those shared connections with people that matter– I keep trying to tell other people this!
P.S. Filming it without stopping makes it raw (in a good way) and more natural because I’m seeing the entire thought process along the way and there is a good flow.
Thanks Matt ;)
An excellent article…however…Please give advice for women with children who would like a boyfriend/partner BUT because they have children they already have responsibilities (priorities) and are therefore restricted somewhat, also HE sees HER children as a ‘problem’ and ASSUMES SHE wants a father figure when all She wants is to get to know HIM. Also – a sticky subject! – SEX and the problem for those (perhaps of a certain age?) who think – God, do I have to? I’d like a relationship BUT I have no desire and the thought of ten minutes of consentual squelching (and having to take it seriously – YOU are intimate/HE’S just getting his rocks off)just to keep ’em happy/be ‘normal’ really does not appeal.
Enjoyed the video n thnks for all the wonderful advice.its like you read my mind. Its good to listen to the longer video and see you bit longer too, it was too perfect to be edited.
Hello Again Matt,
I really enjoyed the this video… the advice about “chucking it down” was something that I really needed to hear. All the time we get this pressure to get married, have kids, because we must be incomplete and it becomes overwhelming. It becomes very easy to feel like a failure in addition to the hurt of a failed relationship. So good advice!
I liked the way this video was shot because it was more like having a conversation with you. We are thinking about some really deep stuff while listing to these videos, so talking to us is really nice.
On another note, I checked the “notify me of the follow up comments box”… I know I already did a whining to you about this but WOW! How do I make it stop? lol I find it amazing you have tome to go to the coffee shop, and you must need a nap! Just when I think they are done a new wave of comments come in! Any info would be good Thank you!
Thank you for another wonderful video, and keep the hands up ;)
Holly
Thank you for posting this video Matt. I had given up creating, because I had given up on love. As I get older, although I’m still somewhat young, being single gets exhausting. I feel like guys in the past haven’t fully appreciated what I have to offer, and I am particular about who I open up to because for me, trust has to be earned. In my 20’s it was very easy to just have fun, and live moment to moment. With everything that has happened this year so far, it has been especially difficult to be motivated to put myself out there. It is much easier for me to believe that other people will find true love. This video made me realize I need to start living moment to moment again, and not focus on the big picture.
Your videos are great however you deliver them, it’s good to have a variety anyway so mix it up.. longer or cut up as long as the message comes across that’s the main thing. great advice as always… Don’t stop!
Your video was excellent and very appropriate as recently I’ve also thought of giving up on having relationships. The point which stuck out most for me was “chunking it down”. I do find myself thinking about marriage as it is something I do want in the future, but I worry it won’t happen because I’ve just not had any luck with the men I’ve dated. A lot of my friends have been getting engaged and married recently and I just think “well I’m in my early twenties and I’ve never even had a proper boyfriend. There must be something wrong with me!” I will take your words on board, they have definitely cheered me up Mr Hussey x
Matthew, I love the way you guys “feel” to do the videos. So from my side, I love all your videos, because you embrace your instincts about how to go around it.
And thanks for the reminder, precious wisdom as always.
xx,
Simona
Just wanted to say I appreciated this video a lot.
I think this statement of saying “I’m done with love” or “I’ll never get ir right” or those things we say to ourselves and feel so definitive and damaging, has something to do with the way we interpret what happens to us.
Here’s something I’ve found that helped me try to get over that way of thinking. Maybe you’ve heard abot Martin Seligman and Positive Psychology. He started focusing on “learned optimism”, while analysing your explanations about the things that happen to you.
“Explanatory style” is what scientists call how we talk to ourselves about the “whys” of a particular event we experience.
Personal: You place yourself as the cause of an event and blame yourself for things happening that maybe, just maybe, you had no had control over. For example, “I missed the traffic light because I’m so slow!” rather than, “That traffic light turned red really quickly.” The first is “internal,” the second “external.” Of course, it’s still important to take responsibility for your own actions; just don’t feel guilty or defeated about things you had no part in.
Pervasiveness: You can see an event as being universal (“I always do that”) or specific (“I did that this one time”). When you give yourself a specific explanation for something happening, it’s a lot easier to see how to fix it or prevent it. Seeing things as pervasive is also called catastrophizing—making a catastrophe out of everything. Once you do that, it’s easy to give up and lose hope.
Permanence: You imagine that how it is right now is how it will always be—forever. This is the case of, “I didn’t get that job, so I’ll never work again,” versus “I didn’t get that job, but maybe the next one will work out.” Recognizing that things can and do change is an important part of optimism.
I hope this helps anyone who reads this as it helped me, in acknowledgeing the way I saw myself and particularly when it comes to relationships. Look it up, Positive psychology, or Martin Seligman and maybe you’ll find interesting ideas to consider.
I’m very thankful for this video Matt, it really helps. It reminded me once more to be the person I want to be in this world.
Thank you,
Vicky (Argentina)
Awesome, Vicky, that was such a great post.
I am very interested in the power of focused optimism, especially after reading ‘Meeting Your Half Orange’ by Amy Spencer.
I’ve had a mainly failure-to-launch track record with men. I’m now 39. Time to turn this ship around! In order to be positive about my dating future I focus intently on positive feelings whether or not the results are immediately reflected in real life around me. Very much like a tightrope walker who aims at a certain point … looking up, down, left or right would just knock you off your wire. We pick our target and move towards it.
I spent last Monday at a birthday for a guy who’s incredibly negative. Everything he said came out dispirited. Great lesson for me being around him … I couldn’t wait to get away. Infinitely better to be a bright shining creature who is delightful to be around whether with people or loving your own company. So here’s to high kicks & hair flicks!!! Honestly Darling Ones … let’s just ROCK THIS WORLD!!!!!!
And thank you Matt. It can be cold and lonely out on the range. It’s good to be reminded that there are warm-wholehearted guys around.
Ladies, I talk to my husband every day (inspired by the Gestalt empty chair technique). Talking to him with 100% conviction that he’s here automatically deletes a lot of ‘dying swan’ style thinking. When I see gorgeous beach destinations, glammy hotels or foodie restaurants I say … Sweetheart, we’re going here! **If anyone tries this, please report back!**
In the meantime, keep your wells full and your feathers fluffed!!
Lots of love,
G xxx
I loved that it was long. And it’s exactly what I needed on this very moment! And thank you for the laugh at the end.
Really liked this version of video.. It felt more sincere than some of the more recent videos, and more similar to the original stuff. Really enjoyed it.
I was wondering though, would you please share any insight you might have on being in a ‘Luke warm’ relationship, one that’s not bad but not necessarily fulfilling for person A, but person B does feel that strong connection…
Leave? stay? Stick it out a while longer? In this particular instance, the relationship is going on four years. Fun but maybe not fulfilling due to lack of connection… But only one person feels this way..
Much appreciated! Thanks!
Hi Erin,
I am in a similar predicament, (i’m person A, he’s B)but we’ve only had a hand full of dates, 90pct of the time I and we are having a nice time but the other 10 pct of the time I find my mind wandering…..day dreaming mid date!
I’ve had a couple other relationships that start off like this but builds and builds and gets better, but those relationships did eventually end.
Have you always felt this way during four years? What advise have you been given?
Thanks!
My first comment! :)
Thank you so much for this video. It’s really helping me.
This literally felt as though you were speaking right to my heart and the part of me that I tried to ignore and cover up. And it’s probably the best advice I got within months.
I could relate to almost everything you said – especially since I went travelling alone not that long ago and met so many incredible people along the way. And it changed a lot.
So now, I feel as though I know what’s the right thing to do again and the things to remind me of. Thank you.
It felt like a friend sitting in front of me and giving me some really good heartfelt advice – so yes, I like the uncut version. :)
Thank you for all the advice – it really works. :)