There is nothing sadder to me than hearing people give up on love.
Today’s video is a little different from recent ones. I really hope it resonates and that despite the hardships I know you’ve been through, you can make this area a priority in going on to fulfil your potential.
Whether they go right or wrong, relationships mean potential.
Relationships give us so much opportunity to find more out about who we are, to better understand human nature, and to share experiences and different ways of living.
If you’ve found yourself falling into the same cycles again and again with men, I know it’s not easy. But it doesn’t have to be this way. In making a slight shift to your mindset, you can go on to create an entirely different set of outcomes.
Try these 4 steps to break the pattern you’re currently experiencing…
1) Define the goal
If our goal is to get it right every time, that’s a problem. If that’s your mentality, you’re going to give up because you’ll never win.
The goal has to be…
*I’m going to be the person I want to be in this world.*
Start by being who you want to be, and then filter out the people who don’t accept that.
2) Live by YOUR standards
Allow yourself to live up to the standards you’ve set yourself for how you want to express yourself.
If someone takes this the wrong way, that’s fine, you can move on and look for someone else who will be better suited to them.
3) Chunk it down
Instead of thinking ‘this is going to be my life-partner forever’ or ‘this is the person I’m going to get married to and have kids with’, we have to chunk down.
These things you want are the byproducts of incredible moments with someone.
Getting married is the byproduct of incredible moments that lead two people to a place where they want to get married.
Having kids is the byproduct of magical moments where you feel a shared intimacy that makes you want something that’s greater than the two of you.
4) Strive for MOMENTS
We have to look to achieve MOMENTS, not grand visions for how our lives could be with someone twenty years down the road.
The big vision creates overwhelm and makes us feel like a failure every time we have a false-start.
Instead focus on moments of shared connection.
Moments like…
–I want to have a smile with someone.
–I want to have an unusual conversation over a coffee.
–I want to sit at a bar, flirt and have fun.
It starts here. The moments are the building blocks.
Just focus on bringing your all to the moments.
If you’re sitting here reading this thinking, ‘I’ve given up, I can’t do this anymore, it’s over…’, don’t even think about the big vision right now.
You don’t need to take on the burden of ‘going out to find a life-partner’. But I do need you to have the courage to say, “I’m going to go and have a great moment.”
Don’t deny yourself connection because one part of you feels that there isn’t hope, or that it isn’t going to go right.
Instead put your excitement into the moments in front of you that could turn into something magical if you’re open enough to let them happen.
###
I’m really looking to get this video around to as many people as possible. If you know just one person that this could help, it would mean the world to me for you to share it with them.
Great video Matt! Exactly what I needed to learn about today.
I love your recent videos. The cuts are great. And the humour you’ve started injecting is awesome. This particular video is great, and the length, for me, was perfect as it flowed quite well.
Just go with the flow. When it feels right to cut, go for it. When it doesn’t, don’t…you are awesome either way! :-)
I liked this informative video. It’s nice to see things kept real, sometimes raw and uncut is best. The giggle at the end made me smile.
I think some of us want to give up because love can and will break you at times. Nobody can protect you from it. You can’t live in solitude because of it, after all we all yearn to be loved. You just have to love and take that risk. Take a break, take a nap, take a walk outside and gather your thoughts. Mend your heart and give it again.
Honestly, I just opened the email to hear what cute fun you had to say, and WOW, am I glad I did. To swear off guys because of nasty endings — that is giving them too much power. I like where you spoke of just living your best life, being your best self, and if that wasn’t the right fit, the naysayers would just fall away anyway !
Also, to consider life or relationship as CHUNKS — GENIUS ! Finding a real connection can feel like too much, but just a Chunk, a Moment — entirely possible !
Thanks so much for shedding positive light on a seemingly negative situation :) The flow of your banter comes across quite nicely (I wouldn’t change a thing), and the fact you take yourself sooooo seriously after such insightful discourse makes it all the more memorable. A Keeper for Sure :0)
XOX
Matthew,
I hope you get this message–only so I may create a “moment” with you.. To “thank you.”
This video spoke to my heart.
After 11 years of marriage, my husband left. I was devastated. I didn’t date for six years. (My three children were young at the time, and I chose to focus on stabilizing life for them and adjust to working and providing for them… And… my heart took a very long time to recover.) I did go on my first date last year! I even dated a great guy for several months!
After my divorce, I went to six years of of counseling–every week for three years and once a month for another three years–because I blamed myself.
I tried SO hard to do everything “right”–to give it my “all.” I loved him so much, and … he was my ideal man (so I thought).
He blamed me for not making him happy because of my flaws (if you must know, I am a runner, blonde, very active, outgoing, and a “blue”–a nurturer. I have realized over the years that he didn’t have it so bad, haha). In any case, I hated myself for not being “enough.”
I realized a few minutes into your video that I have harbored a deep deep fear that he is right. That my best really won’t be good enough again.
Matthew, Thank You! Thank you for being you. Thank you for looking me in the eyes and speaking from your heart. I needed a handsome man to look me into the eyes ;) and just say with your heart and conviction what you did. I’ve probably heard it before (that just because it wasn’t “right” for him doesn’t mean it won’t be right for someone else). But, somehow, hearing you say that just made a difference for me.
You are amazing! . . . And you are a godsend :).
I totally felt of your heart and conviction in this post.
And I believe you :)–I felt like you really were saying that right to ME… and I feel HOPE…
God bless! YOU are making a difference :).
Dear MAtthew,
I am From Hong Kong. I just start watching you video. I love your vide as you are so passionate and giving so much energy. you are just demonstrating what you always mentioneding ” life loving” .
Ok, there is one question and i want to see if any of your books can give me more advice.
1) i got the message that we should ” add value” to stuff, like relationship, people, meeting, dates… etc. i knid of understanding the concept, but is there any more example and practical advise how is that like .
thanks a LoT.
Matthew,
I enjoy the videos you send my way and I watch them all. I flag them in my inbox so I can go back to them because much of what you say is noteworthy and inspiring. I liked that this one was not edited and “just put out there”. I didn’t find it long since it was worth its time in what you had to say. So, continue in how you feel is best in expressing what you need to communicate. Regardless of the time factor, I will watch from start to finish when I value the content. Your words are inspiring and candid as well and worth my time. So, thank you.
I like the sequences with kathie lee and Hoda as well. I wish those were a little longer too.
-M
Matt, I loved this longer video. But I love all your videos, short, long, cuts of shows with you like the Today Show – we love it all! Keep them coming. You’re the best! You inspire us – and I’m speaking for all women, most especially those of us who have, or had before you came along, given up. You inspire us to NOT give up, and give us the motivation, tools and inspiration to see that there is still hope out there. We love your enthusiasm and your kindness – I don’t know how you understand us so well, and what we need to hear and learn, but we thank you!!!
I don’t know if you know this, Matt, but you have truly given hope to women to had none. You have made a profound positive impact on women’s lives. Somehow you make us feel like you’re in our corner, like we’re not alone in this struggle to find love. Rather like the big brother many of us never had but always wanted! Anyway, thank you!
Liz
Living in the present is the thing to do to “be happy”. One thing to be careful about though, is not losing yourself in the process. The big picture is a part of who you are and what is important for you. The hardest thing to do do is finding a balance btween who you are, who you want to be, and how do you act, what risks can you take today that won’t ruin who you are.
Hi Matt!Loved the video,very helpful and inspirational as usual!Personally i prefer long videos so i really enjoyed this one without any cuts!!But i think that you are able to go straight to the point even with a short video because everything you do works so…x
What do you do when you have found the ONE, but for reasons beyond your control it’s not happening at the moment, and you are willing to give yourself an opportunity if someone crossed your way that you like but everytime a guy tells you they like you you can’t have the same feelings for them? You start thinking maybe you are never going to love someone the same way you love that one person, that maybe you are too picky, or a million things. All you are waiting for is that little sparkle to burst when you are with a guy but it’s not happening and you are fully convinced you’ll never get over that person!
What do you mean by “not happening at the moment”?
If you mean this guy is still in your life, still single, etc, but doesn’t seem interested in you…what you do is listen to Matthew Hussey! Also, maybe check out his book, maybe the chapter on the friend zone…
Alot of the reasons why women and men are done with love is because it seems we’re relying too much on online dating. I’ve come to the conclusion that the online dating sites are not cleaning up their data well enough and in a way, are trying to keep people single, because then they will use the service. The process of online dating is often what leads to the frustration of giving up. Maybe giving up on online dating and being done with Internet connecting is the more accurate statement.
Matt, I don’t want to be done with love. I had met this guy that I really liked and I thought he liked me, we went out a few times and every time we were out I wished for time to stand still. Things didn’t work out but we are still friends. How do I meet someone like that again?
Uncle Matty, your videos could be 40 mins long, really. They are enjoyable nonetheless. Edited, not edited. Matta fact, your next homework assignment: Make a thorough video of 1 hour and 20 min long. Include clips from your seminars! I will send u my consultation bill in the mail….
Geez, you could listen to this guy talk for FORTY MINUTES ? i mean, he just goes on and on and on.
Men are ANNOYING. All men. Your video doesn’t make any sense. Sorry.
Why do you say that? You can feel like you’re “off market” but that does not mean that nobody is interesting… I think in fact that most people, including men, are interesting.
The problem sometimes though, si to get the chance to know a man enough to tell what exactly is interesting about him
There is a handsome guy in my class and I always thought he was single cause he looks at me at school all most all the time. I´ve talked to one of his friends as we ended the sports lesson and I heard that they were asking each other what his girlfriend´s name is and how it´s going with him and his and he answered as if he was a bit nervous and laugh nervously about to answer that and the next day at school he keeps looking at me and now one of his other friend who also goes in my class starts too look at me. Please help me cause I don´t know what they mean by that.
Stop torturing yourself with the meaning. The only thing you need to know is : Are YOU interested? If the answer is yes, then ask him out. It does not guarantee you his interest but at least you will be able to move on from the answer he gaves you…
It was fresh point of view. ” We get a chance to be who we want to be the person we want to be” was my favorite line. When we get emotionally charged it is hard to see things rationally at times but in the end we all grow and learn from different relationships. I really liked the message on the video. Thank you Matt
It was fresh point of view. ” We get a chance to be the person we want to be” was my favorite line. When we get emotionally charged it is hard to see things rationally at times but in the end we all grow and learn from different relationships. I really liked the message on the video. Thank you Matt
The longer format was great!
Don’t change a thing…it was perfect. I savored each word you said. This video especially spoke to me. I would hate to lose one minute of it if you cut the length. Matt, you are really moving into something important here. Look forward to hearing more like this one. What you said about being your true self is inspiring. Creating moments also is a huge shift that can create the space for the magic to happen. I am adopting both of those mantras whole-heartedly today! Thank you for your wisdom!!
Thank you so much for this. I’d stop dating for 4.5 years which got interrupted by me falling madly in love with a man @ the end of a 6 -year relationship. Of course we can’t b together b/c he’s not ready & I don’t want to b around to watch him date other. So now I’m out there meeting other men & dating b/c I’m fighting the urge to stop dating. I’m not okay with being alone anymore. So I’m focusing on doing things different than before and focusing on my moments. :)