Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.
It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…
…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”
Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.
If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…
For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!
I stayed virgin until 21 (most girls lost theirs in early high school…) but I wanted to lose with with someone I had a deep connection with.
So I met this guy when I was 21 and fell in luv. I dont even remember the first time we had sex as it was so ordinary. It faded into the past. We stayed together for only 3 months but I am glad I waited.
If you are a virgin just wait for someone you have connection with and relax, but don’t overestimate its meaning. Sex becomes better with practice.
I love the part when you say “Your vagina is not your gift to the world” xD Cracked me up.
But I wanted to thank you for this video… I’m a virgin for religious reasons (I’m waiting til marriage) and I have been building it in my head as a burden because I’ve been dumped or rejected because of it. But I realized that this belief is a part of me and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you Matt!
Me too! I totally cracked up and started clapping for this brilliant line.
And I totally agree with the idea that sex is special but it shouldn’t become a label.
Dear Matt,
This was a great video! I love how genuine you were :)That was what I was thinking lately… Everything is as much of a big deal as we are make it seem… Can you please, please make a video about whether a girl should tell her boyfriend she is a virgin or not mention it at all because he will realise anyway(not sure about that…I mean how? It often isn’t obvious). Some say he has to know, so as to treat the girl gently etc… As a guy what would you suggest?
Thanks a lot!
feelin’ much better (:
thank you!
xo
WOW! I absolutely loved reading all your comments and I am thrilled you have enjoyed the video. Thank you for taking the time to put down your thoughts and feelings on this topic. It makes me so happy that I could help in some way.
You all are amazing!
Matt xx
Another question men have asked is “when twas the last time?” Is there a “right answer? If it has been a really long time… or rather recently, how do you feel a woman should answer this honestly?
I really appreciate that you are dealing with this.
I tend to feel that I have this package, full of with negativity about myself, my mistakes and these things will define me forever.
However, when I am relaxed and do not worry about the life, I feel much more comfortable in my skin.
Every woman needs this.
Dear Matt,
I just wanted to say thank you for covering this topic. Many people who are the “love professionals” seem to skip overt the topic completely or just expect you to just sleep with every you come in contact with literally. I appreciate your objective/subjective view on this topic. I am in the similar situation and can relate. I often wonder how to handle the situation, but I now feel after watching the video I can move on. I know I can keep my personal beliefs, but I do not have to let my beliefs keep me from being happy and to one day find the one.
Sincerely,
Angela DeRossette
Awesome video Matthew. It’s an issue that can’t be the elephant in the room anymore. I will admitted that I let my status of being a virgin be a big problem and I wore it like a badge. And I always let it be baggage when entering relationships. This week video really spoke to me. After watching this video and reading all the comments; it is nice to know that I am not the only one in the same situation. I am quite impressed with your initiative on this topic Matthew. One thing that I can promise you is that I hold my head a little higher and I will not let my virginity be badge but only a fact about myself that will not last long.
Thanks you! :)
Mandy xx
Hey Matt:
I sent an email a little while back regarding a similar YouTube video to compliment you on how you are handling this subject. I stumbled across that video by accident, and then just came across this. Long story short, I teach philosophy and religion at the college level and I have a seminary degree. I come from a conservative religious background where waiting until marriage is expected, but at the same time while holding to this standard I’ve had a much better experience with dating men (whether or not they share my viewpoint) than I think many women have had when it comes to this issue. And, I have to say, you generally give much better advice – as a secular dating coach – than I think most pastors or priests would. So, my compliments again. Good job.
What if you’ve already freaked out your boyfriend about being a virgin? How do you come back from that? I never wanted to be one but that’s just what happened in the course of my life. In my youth I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and later I never met people that I desired. Now I am 36 and I am stuck. I’m not holding out on purpose but I don’t want to sleep with just anyone either “just to get it over with”
Amazing, Matt! I’m always impressed how on point you are with your advice. Thank you for this video. It really spoke to me :)
Great video Matthew. I also listen to Corey Jenkins and he had a great video too which talks about Spirituality and Sex with Jenn Clark. It’s really interesting – maybe other ladies would be interested in listening to it; hope it’s ok to post the link here: Spirituality and Sex in the Same Conversation?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XjZtb9FgXY
Long time ago (when I was 16) I had this fantasy that I will lose my virginity with someone special. But finding a nice guy whom I could tell that I am virgin and he wouldn’t get scared of dissapear because of that seemed impossible. I got older, turned 20 and things didn’t change a bit, so I gave my virginity away to a… pretty sexual freak, 10 years older than me. He just got me in his appartment, gave me a glass of wine and started taking my clothes off. I could have just run away but I really wanted to lose my virginity. The only thing I could think about then was – will he notice? He didn’t and I was just happy with the fact.
3 years later, I have had many sexual partners but no real relationship. I learned that you don’t need to be in a relationhip to have sex. All of these guys have forgot about me, they don’t even live in my country. But all I see that I had a great time and learned so many things about how to be good in bed, how to give an excellent blowjob, what arouses men etc. And this is only the beginning. I see this as an investment, so by the time I (maybe) find somebody special (in my 30ies, 40ies or 50ies), I will already have had experience amd I will be able to keep the guy a longer time. Because, let’s be real, guys want great sex. I think that this is the main reason why they step into a relationship. If they have awesome sex with someone, they don’t want to lose it. Of course, I could never ever tell my actual number (I don’t count, but let’s say 80 or so). Thanks Matt for the previous video, so I don’t have to tell it to anyone.
I have doubted my actions as well. I have thought that I shouldn’t have had sex with men, but at the same time I just want to enjoy life. I know that tiny bit of intimacy that I can get via sex is all my life can offer to me so far.
Lately I don’t feel that bad about this anymore, thanks to you. I have learned how to tell the difference if the guy just wants to have sex with me or is up for something more serious. I know this really early on, before we have had sex. But 99.9% of time it is the first thing mentioned. So no, I am not dooming the potential relationships. It is that guys don’t want serious relantionship with me at the moment and instead of crying I try to benefit from that. Times change, but I really don’t want to wait all of my life for true love. And what if it this “true love” ends in 3 months? And I am too old to build up something new? I decided to create my life by myself instead of hoping for it to happen my way.
… wow… Matt, please comment….
Girl you and I are so opposites I don’t even know where to begin.
Do you mind if I ask you what your age is and if you’ve been in a relationship before? I thought you said you haven’t but… I have to ask again to be sure. If yes, how long was the longest?
I’m not the dating coach i know, but to me you sound ike someone who wanted t to be speciel, but presents your self as a playmate/sexual experience to be had….
Remember that a guy has to get to know you and see what makes you girlfriend material or wife materiel to want more. i’m curious if that’s what is going wrong. I’d take my self of the sexual market when dating if i were you…
And no hanging from the chandelier won’t make a man commit. I’m sure Matt has videos on the subject of commitment on here… I’m curious what Matt would say to this story and dating philosophy…
Thanks for the comment, Vavavoom. I am 23 years old. No, I haven’t been in a relationship before. I have been reading and watching Matt’s advices for over a year now, but I still haven’t made it over the first date. It just seems like whatever I do, I always get viewed as a playmate only. I don’t even have the opportunity to show myself as a girlfriend potential. Surely guys decide on the first minutes in a date what they would like to do with the girl, and I can’t change it. Denying sex just makes them keep pushing or run away and never contact me again.
“I know that tiny bit of intimacy that I can get via sex is all my life can offer to me so far.” I have a question for you…Why not believe that your life can offer you deeper intimacy with a man? Do you personally believe that sex is all you have to offer a guy? if so it may some how be coming out when you date these guys, or you might be attracted to men who are showing signs of mainly being out for a casual fling, just some things to think about.
Anais I thought the same thing. Which for you Annie means no mixing up dating for sex-intimicy vs. dating for a boyfriend. Have your sex if it makes YOU happy, but seperate the two. Decide what you’re dating this man for.
Annie, you should never succumb to sex if you do you lose their test of you as a high value woman, which means you lose the girlfriend-material showcase opportunity.
My ex initially only wanted sex but ended up being the one who wanted to date for a relationship after 3. date. A week after meeting he was begging for a relationship, I dumped him 5 months later. So it’s not impossible – but I did set sexual bounderies and insisted on getting to know eachother and having friend-like fun/a real date. (He fell for our similar taste in entertainment and was excited about spending our days together, he always said it was great to have a girlfriend who was actually a friend to do things with, which is exactly what I was looking for). That’s how the third date turned into 5 months.
A more practical tip: Consider how you dress for a date – no cleavage etc. give your self a make-under (opposite of make-over which intends to make you more beautiful). Try a more down to earth /girl next door type. Less is more.
See if you can pull of getting into the friend zone instead when dating for a boyfriend. Try going out with a guy you’re less sexually interested in, and “make the mistake” of him choosing not to make you his girlfriend OR make you (or failing at attempting to) sleep together. Try going to the opposite end of the spectrum – not creating the perfect middle road, the boyfriend – but the extreme opposite. Fall into the friend zone. Fail at getting a boyfriend. Decide to make a friend while hiding under a date.
If romantic feellings evolve, have this friend develop his feelings for you over the course of the developing friendship – then date him (again).
But for now, decide to take all sexuality out of the game, even (most of) your own initial sexual attraction to him. Date someone you’d like to be friends with and would/could grow on you romantically/sexually IF you liked his personality and made an emotional connection.
Please know it’s normal they get disappointed there’s no sex, they have double standards/conflict of interests within them – YOU tell him which interest (playmate/sex vs. love) this is and settle the conflict.
The bad thing about this double standard is how they judge us by asking how many we slept with once they do want us for love as Matt talked about recently, the good news is you can have your sex-intimicy you were talking, about given how willing they are. Consider it our luxury that you get to choose which camp we’re (him and you) in.
Sry for long respond, your story touched my heart, and I really wanted to give you my relationship story. I know that situation proved you can turn a playboy into a boyfriend. I only wish you could timetravel as fly on wall :) So please take hope from it
Of course Im not the dating coach so we’ll see what Matt says… :)
Vavavoom, for some reason I can’t reply to your comment below with your dating approach advice to Annie but I wanted to say you give insightful advice…As in viewing dating more as “making a friend” rather than focus on sex. The only thing I wonder about is a friendship usually wouldn’t involve flirting. Matt encourages flirting. However I also find in my own experience men to want to move with me too fast sexually when I flirt..even if it’s subtle sexual flirting. So perhaps even flirting depends on the individual. Maybe if you’re someone who just naturally seems to give some sot of sexual attraction vibe, or if you are naturally very sexually attractive, it makes more sense to focus more on building a friendship-like connection…I’d also like to know what Matt says about this
I love being virgin .my reason is I’m religious person and my religion is the nature and I respects myself and my body .for men when they hear the word virgin they will think :
a) she is a waste of time , she won’t make me have sex with her . for him virginity is more of a turn-off if he is just looking to hook up with her because he doesn’t want things to be awkward in the bedroom and he doesn’t want to go through the trouble of showing her how it’s done. Some guys get freaked out and think that a girl who is a virgin is either super religious or younger than she looks. and he thinks if he will have sex with her it will be bad ?!?!?! that’s why they run away .or fearful for of the pain factor for the Woman .( when I searched about bad sex I thought it was about bad sexual intercourse , but it wasn’t . it was about the environment and not being relax and thought free) .
b) it’s great for being their first . the girl has nothing to compare him with ,so she won’t judge him of his “performance” . she doesn’t get any STDs or anything like that. she is untouched ,inexperienced…so he likes to be the first to explore her body and can do whatever he wants . she will always remember her 1st . she chose him after careful consideration. he prefers a woman who is more of a challenge… someone who doesn’t give herself away easily and respects herself enough to make him peruse her to prove he is worthy. knowing that your partner has sexual memories with someone else always buzzes his mind.
“Your vagina isn’t your gift to the world” . i agree with you because my vagina is my gift to a special person .
I’M surprised by knowing that being virgin is sham . well you can find ALOT of virgin girls in the middle east , Africa , east Europe , Asia , and in the center of the us . and the MOST of them are very proud .
I don’t have problem with virginity . I have problem with fornication . fornication destroyed what sex means . what I don’t like about fornication is having sex before making a big ceremony (wedding). with fornication no one is understanding the real VALUE OF SEX. these days KIDS are having sex . fornication is the wrong way of having sex . some women think if guys haven’t had sex with them, they won’t get any guy !!! . Fornication has also resulted in several unwanted pregnancies, where many are aborting and some even lost their womb or even their lives in the process of abortion . when something is against the nature something wrong will happen . ( let’s take HIV , AIDS , STD , ……..etc). all these diseases are not happening by coincidence , because there is nothing called coincidence in the nature (isn’t weird that AIDS is too RARE to happen to married people , especially the faithful married couple ?! WHY??? ). We are mostly driven by reason . Humans have feel a sense of right and wrong . We all have a basic conscience (just use your brain , your instincts and your conscience ). these days women have to have sex to keep a guy around her or simply he leaves .
and as I said before, sex is a gift I’ll save to special man. and because sex a is a beautiful thing we celebrate before we have sex in big ceremony with family and friends and with people who we love . that big ceremony called (WEDDING) . I want to remember the first time that we screwed up and laugh on it . when I will have sex with my husband I won’t be worry of diseases or kids . sex is a holy thing . The woman’s uterus is a holy place , because it’s the place that human being are made . and the men’s COC which made in a beautifully way is a holy thing too ( with fornication and adultery men use condoms which is a HUGE TURN OFF , because I won’t enjoy seeing my husband COC ). so these holy things should be used in the right way and make a big ceremony (WEDDING) announcing to the world that ( WE WILL HAVE SEX ) .
my virginity and my vagina is a gift . as you open your gifts by your hand , you open the virgin vagina by your penis .
I believe that everything on this earth was created rightly . you have the option to choose to use the thing in the right way or the wrong way , how do you know ? see what the nature tells you.
I want you to ask yourself and be honest :
why men don’t want women to be slept with many people as they have themselves slept with???.
why is it difficult to you to see your daughter or sister to be sexual ??? why is not easy to imagine , what if that person was her husband are you going to have the same feelings ???
Matthew we have the right to do the right thing and to do the wrong thing ,but we have to re-thinking everything you know , then have the guts to change , and say the truth = nature.
do you want to know why I hate condoms ,because :
penis + condom = sausage
to me sausage is not sexy , because they are just meat with no life inside it , not like penis which has life and it’s …;)
thank for being honest .
THANK YOU HERO
“Your vagina isn’t your gift to the world” . i agree with you because my vagina is my gift to a special person . Totally agree =) Thank you Kooky
My vagina isn’t a gift to anyone, someone or the one. It’s my holy temple. And you have to be in love with me/care about me innerly to be inside of me.
My vagina is not a commodity. I don’t come in that form.
Oh my gosh….I totally agree with everything you’ve said!!!!!!!!!!:)First of all, for me at least, i just can’t handle the fact that the guy I would be having sex with, has had many sex partners before me. I’ve accepted reality though that I will never meet a guy who is a virgin. But that’s the point because I would want the same for him? So that’s why I’m just saving it. Yes, Fornication is a big deal, and unfortunately,it has to take a back-fire of nature for the person of his/or/herself to see it (e.g. getting an std or what not-and even sometimes still continue in fornication). Are people really this horny to be just screwing any guy/girl? And always having one-night stands? I personally think there is something more to all of this, either it’s Satan (if you’re religious), the media, or these people didn’t grow up with a mother or father figure in their life. In the end, we can’t entirely blame a person for their mistakes-let’s just hope they understand and realize what they’ve done once they’re finally ready for marriage.
matt, this is so out of place on this video.
What about one night stands? Does that make a girl a “slut” in your eyes? How is that it seems to be ok for men to do that but wrong for girls to enjoy their sexuality that way? Theres always a little bit of guilt and judge from people, even your girlfriends, and I dont think thats right. How do I fix that? What you think about the subject?
Hi, could you post something about how to add genuine value to a mans life?:)
Matt, thank you so much for making this video.
I have been faced with this question many times over the past few years and have never been clear on how to answer. My usual response is, “I have not found a man that will guarantee to still be by my side in the morning.” It is not that I am believe that I am waiting for love but I do hope to have some level of commitment to the relationship.
Since starting university, I was shocked by how my sexual inexperience is such a turn off to some men. On more than one occasion, I have heard, “I will never sleep with a virgin again.” Other than the rumors that the inexperienced become clinging, I do not understand the adversity.
Although I do not define myself by my number of sexual encounters, I find that my friends do. On numerous occasions, I have been set up with men for the simple fact that we are both virgins. Yes, they were friendly, but we had nothing else in common. I always cringe when I hear, “You should meet so-and-so. He is a virgin too.”
One of the best vids he’s ever done (and we know he’s done some good ones!) thanks, matthew!
hey honey .
just absolutely spot on . don’t listen to the haters , ignore the comments below , it’s a new era for women and for the first time we are getting closer than ever to be equal to men .
thank you for your love and support and genuine understanding towards women .