Last week I put out a video on how to answer, “how many people have you slept with?”.
It received an overwhelming response, with one question being asked over and over in the comments…
…”What do I say if my answer is zero? What if I’m a virgin?”
Women wrote back in droves saying that they have a hard time telling guys this, and that they wanted a strong, reassuring answer that doesn’t intimidate guys or freak them out.
If that’s you, whether you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’, or are just on the fence about when to get intimate with someone for the first time, you’ll want to check out this video…
For how many of you did the first time just SUCK? Tell your story in the comments below!
Wow. The last part was really sweet. Thank you Matt.
Disagree. The Boys have a few valid points, but are off on many.
Anon,
Your vagina is a gift to the world and I think your first experience can set the stage for your future enjoyment of sex. It should be good the first time and many people make mistakes in their youth which set them up for anxiety and insecurities regarding sex, which can then lead to unfulfilled sexual relationships. It’s a bit like new food. If your trying Fois Gras for the first time, it better be melt in your mouth fabulous or you’ll either think all Fois Gras is rubbery and so so, or come to believe you don’t like the dish. Your not a teenager so expect your first time to great. Choose a great chef!!
Right now, your vagina is 100 pure of HPV(penetrates a condom) and other STD’s. Your risk of having difficulties with pregnancies and implantation secondary to scar tissue made from STDs is much lower than someone who has had multiple exposures. It’s ignorant and careless not to guard your body and to be careful with your exposures. It’s a risk/benefit decision.
Your first time can be perfect and if you are smart and weed out the yucky’s by telling them on date one or two, upfront and with pride, and start vetting your men to higher quality, perhaps a tad older, emotionally solid pool of men, you’ll find the right one.
Speaking from experience. Full disclosure on date one with a comment such as’ I don’t really sleep around, I’m a virgin and its’ important to me to me that my first experience is with someone emotionally available and physically experienced, because I do want a great first”. A guy that has poor ego will dissipate under that very statement because of the pressure to create a great first. So, then your left with guys that want a “virgin” with huge ego and the good guys that are confident and balanced. Then, vett the hell out of them…see what they are made of. The cream will rise to the top and then choose. I mean do you really want to be with someone fumbling around, without proper study and experience, who can’t cross into the space of emotional intimacy? NO!!!
Firsts out of teenage years SHOULD BE, OUGHT TO BE, CAN BE FANTASTIC. Then, we will have to answer your emails that you can’t get enough and what is normal frequency.
You are on the right track. Hang in there.
Deborah
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have always been afraid of the question because I thought the answer would scare a guy off. Thank you so much!! I feel so much more comfortable about having this conversation because I know I can answer the question in a confident way that won’t label me as the 22 year old virgin. Thanks Matt!! You’re awesome!
Hi Matt,
I’ve had several traumatic experiences in the past, which have kept me away from dating all together. I hid myself for the past 20 years, first because I wanted to protect myself. Later on, I just avoided dating because I didn’t know how to break these news to any possible date. I’ve now met a great guy by accident that is really into me. I want to move slowly and want him to understand my situation, but how on earth should I bring up this subject without scaring him off?
-J
Hi Jessica,
I am a Jessica as well :) I know your question is directed at Matthew, but I thought that I would offer some insights that his demographic may not provide him. I am about to say some things that may be intense for you to read, but please know that I am writing this from a place of love for you, and as a fellow former victim of abuse. I will get to the ‘what to say to a guy’ piece in a few minutes, but first, I want to talk to you about you, your essential self, because what to say needs to be delivered in a way that comes from a strong understanding and acceptance of the following worldview in order to be effective: You are a strong, valuable, captivating, and precious woman. You have the power to heal from this completely, even to the point that you can be stronger, more confident, and happier sexually than you might have been had you never experienced the abuse. You do not have to live your life self-defined as damaged goods. From my own personal experience (my own ‘first-time’ was non-consensual, though at an older age than it sounds like the case for you), and from talking with many other female friends who have been working on healing from childhood abuse and other sexual traumas, I have come to believe that there are three main socially-sanctioned, but highly damaging, beliefs that abused women need to overturn in order to reclaim their own sexual, psychological, and emotional sovereignty.
1. Rape is a fate worse than death.
You will notice, that even though I have been quite clear about my topic from the beginning, I waited a whole paragraph before using the word ‘rape’. This is because of how emotionally charged that word is. I needed to get you ready to hear it first. Accepting this simple sentence, “I was raped,” changed my whole life immensely–for the better. It took me two-and-a-half years to even hear these words in my own head, and three weeks of breakdown to accept them. Really accept them–no objections, no justifications, no pleading with a higher power to make it un-happen. Just three simple words. When I accepted this sentence, my entire life changed. Acceptance took all of the power to hurt me out of those words and out of the hands of the man who raped me.
You are fully capable of living your life with no regrets, at peace with every experience you
have ever had. But first you need to embrace and accept those three words, “I was raped.” This does not mean that what happened to you was ‘acceptable’ in any way. We need to change our world so that the sexual rights of all people are honoured and respected. However, the fact that something unacceptable happened to you can be accepted. This may seem like a ridiculous distinction, but it is very important. Our culture treats rape as one of a few things often considered ‘worse than death.’ This effect is even more intense in cases of child abuse and incestuous child abuse. There is almost nothing in the world considered more shameful, and the abused is often made a double victim, not only traumatized by the actual event, but also by the stigma and by the taint of association. This sends a very strong message: “You are tainted for life, there is no way to get better from this, and you would be better off dead.” Wow. Super helpful, guys, thanks!
This belief is absolutely false. Mental suffering is not an inevitable permanent effect of any kind of trauma. Once the physical pain has gone, it is the inability to accept what has happened that causes the sensation of suffering left behind. It is like yoga in the mind. Stretching at the limit of your ability is painful, but convince your muscles to stop fighting, and you can stretch further and with less pain. Eventually, your body can do amazing things with no pain whatsoever. It is so with the mind. You may not be able to stop fighting the idea the first time you hear the words in your head. You may not be able to apply the sentence to yourself at first, but with time, with gentle coaxing and stretching, your mind will come around and be able to relax in the presence of these words.
2. Once you’ve been raped, there is nothing worth saving or sharing anymore and nothing worth living for.
After an abuse, rape victims may go all over the map sexually. They rarely stay sexually balanced unless they have kept their core self-worth intact through the experience. Victims commonly respond by leaping to one or the other end of the sexual activity spectrum, or yo-yoing back and forth between promiscuity and complete abstinence. Whatever the extreme response, the core belief behind it is: “I am worthless now.” This thought is either followed by, “no one will want me,” or, “there is nothing special left worth saving.” As a conservatively-raised girl from a Protestant background, I believed that my sexual purity was my most precious and fragile source of worth as a woman. As soon as that was taken from me, I went into a deep spiral of identity crises, and the conclusion that I came out with for several years was that I was ruined, my life was ruined, and nothing mattered anymore. I yo-yoed between times of no sexual activity and months at a time of promiscuity, depending on the social environment in which I found myself. I was so shocked when someone was sexually interested in me that I became very biddable to such attention. Then the guilt and shame would drive me to stay at home with books and ignore invitations to go out and socialize, often not answering my phone for days or weeks at a time. Later, I became involved with an emotionally abusive and sexually abusive partner, and I almost married him. I thought that if anyone would have me I’d better take the offer, even though he made my life a living hell.
The thing that changed this for me was meeting and talking with other women who had gone through similar experiences. It was easy for me to see their value despite their hardships, to even find their friendship more inspiring and precious because of it. In the course of convincing them of their value, I slowly convinced myself of my own. We all supported and validated each other, and much of my healing was influenced by their wise words. Many things that each of us told the others were things that we desperately needed to hear and believe ourselves. As I noticed that talking about it made things better, safer, and less painful for all of us, I realized that it is very important to be open and unashamed about this topic, whenever the situation calls for it. We have no reason to be ashamed.
We need to learn as a society to open up and be vulnerable enough to start matter-of-fact conversations about sex, sexual health, sexual enjoyment, and sexual rights. Our society has a very confused and confusing love-hate relationship with sex, and that leads to even more infractions on sexual rights. Everyone is getting mixed messages about what is ok to express, and how, and with whom. I was even told by my own brother, “You were date-raped, not raped. It’s not really the same thing.” I could not believe that someone raised in my own family could possibly hold such a belief. He has since changed his views and apologized very sincerely. But it just goes to show that we need to clear things up, and the way to do that is to talk about it unashamedly. We need to take away the mystery and the shame, so that our children grow up knowing that it is safe to talk about sex, no matter what happens.
In my mid-twenties, I went through a period of several years when I talked about this issue with nearly everyone in my life. At this stage, it was still a big part of what defined me. Over the years, it has become less forefront for me, and now I have several newer acquaintances who do not know about this part of my history. Sometimes this causes confusion when I forget that they have no idea, and I refer to it casually in conversation. But when that happens, it is ok, because the way I talk about it makes it clear that I do not need them to feel pity or pain on my behalf. It’s just a thing that’s not really a thing anymore.
I cannot describe to you how freeing that is. Imagine that you are no longer afraid of something that for much of your life you believed to be worse than death. I am no longer afraid of so many things. In fact, I rarely feel afraid anymore. I am more inspired to take chances and learn what life has to teach me now. Even the fear of death itself has come to seem powerless. I do feel cautious, sometimes, and I make very conscious decisions about the kinds of people to trust and not trust, but I do not fear that anyone could destroy my spirit anymore. I feel invincible, elated, powerful, wise. I feel peace. I rarely felt those things in the days before I was raped. I know many people who rarely feel them even into old age. Most of those people have never had occasion in their lives to face their deepest fears and emerge from the darkness. And so, for them the darkness remains unknown and paralyzing. But I am free. That is worth living for, and it is worth sharing with others. It is worth modelling to children and raising a family for. It is worth creating art, writing books, expressing however the moment dictates—to get the message across. It is a major inspiration of my life.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not glorifying rape. I am working toward a world where rape doesn;t happen anymore. What I am glorifying is the alchemical power of the human spirit, to heal, to fly in the face of any hardship, and to create a better world. This is your power, and you can use anything to fuel it. Even your worst nightmare come to life.
3. Rape is an ‘unforgivable sin.’
This belief is accepted without question by many, but this attitude only makes victims stay victims. Forgiveness is essential to healing. It is not your duty to remain in a state of righteous wrath or to be destroyed because of anyone else’s actions. Your life is yours to live, and there is nothing noble about dedicating it to the memory of your abuser’s actions. That is what a perpetual state of unforgiveness does.
Forgiveness is something that you can do for yourself, for another person, or both. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel that the other person deserves to be forgiven. This is why—the main person who benefits from the act of forgiveness is the person doing the forgiving, not the person being forgiven. You deserve the peace of a forgiving heart. Unforgiveness gives your personal power away to the object of your anger and fear. Forgiveness retrieves that psychological power and returns it to your centre for other uses.
If you stay angry at someone who wronged you 20 years ago, whose mind suffers for 20 years because of it? Not the other person’s. They may not even remember that you exist. But you are feeding your own pain, forcing yourself to suffer the trauma over and over again, if you cannot forgive. They hurt you, very badly, that is true. But if your body has healed, you are safe from the situation happening again, and yet still you suffer, then you are the one who is hurting you now. Some people might view this as a ‘blame the victim’ mentality, but it is not that at all. I am only describing the trap of the mind that keeps a victim from healing, from self-defining as something other than a victim.
You are in no way to blame for what happened to you, and there is certainly no blame or shame in having suffered for the length of time that you have. But if you want to be free, forgiveness is how that can happen. I don’t know what will give you the key to forgive the one who hurt you. For me, it was realizing that this person was not a sociopath without regret. In fact, he was a fairly normal guy who was drunk, and weak-willed, and brushed everything important off as if it didn’t really matter. But he is a real person, and I believe he has a conscience. I am grateful not to have his conscience in my head. Grateful to be the one who was the victim instead of the perpetrator. Because knowing I had done such a thing to someone would be far harder to live with than being the innocent one. I cannot wish anything worse on him than what he has done to himself by his own actions.
He may not experience the moral fallout that I imagine he should or that I would if I were him, but it doesn’t really matter. The potential he has created for himself to suffer takes the oomph out of my anger. Perhaps the person who abused you is a sociopath without the capacity to feel regret. Such a person is even more to be pitied. The emptiness of such an existence is something that I cannot even fathom. We need to protect ourselves and our children from the actions of such people, but there is no need to wish suffering upon anyone.
You know a depth of pain that many will never understand. But you are not destroyed, and your capacity for joy can be that much greater as well, if you choose to cultivate the power of forgiveness. There is no need to become like the one who hurt you, a person whose disregard for other people increases the pain and suffering of the world. And even more so, it makes no sense to make ourselves suffer further than we already have! There is already more than enough suffering in the world to go around.
This is the place that I have come to now: I will not become a person who wants to make someone else’s life worse because of what happened to me; not even that person. That is the only way that I could truly be destroyed by what happened. No, I am a person who is strong enough to be ok, even when society sends the message that I should have been destroyed by what happened. I have the incredible power to respond with a depth of love that many other people struggle to understand; a love that creates more joy in me than the pain that was the source of the capacity. This man intended to gratify his own baser nature, but indirectly he created a situation that has helped me to grow into a more loving person than I was before. He may not have meant for this to happen, but I am a better and more fulfilled person because of how I responded to what he did.
This may not be your experience right now. That is okay. It may never be your experience, and you may never agree with me. That is more than okay too. You may find what I have said offensive. If that is so, I apologize. My wish is for you to experience an equivalent sense of joy and peace to the one that I now feel, and so I am sharing with you how my own mind achieved it. I hope that it offers you relief instead of aggravating your pain.
And now:
What to say to potential future mates? Say what is on your heart about it. Say what you are comfortable with, plus a little extra stretch. The man who will be a good mate for you is a man who can handle this and will be inspired by your courage, not turned off by a perceived taint. He will see that you are a woman like none he has ever met, and the fact that your value was not seen by someone else will only make him more determined to cherish you as you deserve. Not every man can handle the emotionally mature relationship that your experiences will make necessary for you to live a healthy sexual life. You are a person who was deepened by pain. Your mate must be one who can navigate the depths.
When should you talk about it? If you talk about this ‘too soon’ and he runs away scared, you are doing yourself a favour by finding out who can and cannot handle it. However, there is a degree to which the presentation counts. In fact, the way that you present it can bring out his best or his worst possible response. I initially got pretty negative responses from men. At the time, I was presenting my story with fear and shame. The first time, I had been dating the man for 1 1/2 years at the point that I told him. He dumped me in that same conversation. He couldn’t handle it. And I am so glad that happened! I deserve a far stronger and more mature man than that. For a long while after that, I was afraid to tell any man this story and would always do so after a few months of dating, with a very fearful heart. Their responses were equal to the way in which I presented my story. As I have grown more confident and less ashamed, the responses from men had been increasingly positive. I am not broken by it any longer, and as a result, they find me inspiring, not damaged. I am in a relationship now, but during my last cycle of dating, I almost always told this same tale as part of the initial ‘getting to know you’ phase, unless I could see right away that he was not someone with whom I would be interested in developing a relationship. To my current partner, I told this tale complete with what I have learned and how I came to those conclusions, much as I have done above. It was not a five minute thing. But it is essential knowledge for anyone who really wants to know me intimately. This part of my story goes along with all the rest, the pets I had growing up, and how my parents raised me, and sibling rivalries, and hobbies and passions, and all of it. That is because who I am has been so profoundly shaped by this experience and my response to it. I could not be in a romantic relationship without open disclosure of all of this. Romance is about sharing who you are and relishing in what your partner shares with you. It is about validating each other as whole people, and through this, validating ourselves as well.
Who you are deserves to be honoured, not hidden away in shame. If you truly believe and accept this, there is no reason that your experience should prevent you from having a healthy and fulfilling sex life with a wonderful man. Just be sure to choose wisely. You are not to be thrown away on someone who does not show with his actions how truly precious you are.
Take care,
Jessica
Thanks jessica, this is just what I needed to hear.
Jessica, I am honestly speechless. I found this and wanted to cry. I am not a virgin, but due to sexual assault and abuse have spent YEARS basically run from anyone when I feel they are interested in me sexually. I have sabotaged a lot of my relationships because of this.
What you wrote to the other Jessica was one of the most powerful things I have ever read or heard. And I have been in therapy for years. You should submit some sort of piece on the topic to a website so that people like me can go back and read it whenever we need to, to remind ourselves of all of those things. It is so hard to not feel ashamed and broken and worthless, but being raped (or assaulted) is something that happens- far too frequently- to us, but it is not all that we are. Someone else’s actions do not determine your worth as a person. I know this, I just need to remind myself all the time.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
P.S I hope that you are now happily married and having amazing sexy times with your husband :)
Matt
Thank-you once again – you conveyed honesty, sincerity, warmth, yet heartfelt analysis and real care about the issue – about women in general. Not an easy thing to do or subject to discuss.
It really made me feel that the good guys will understand and accept us all whether we are virgins, or had x amount of partners – take us for who we are. It was liberating to hear you put this in context – for that I thank-you truely – helped me to expand my consciousness also on this issue.
Keep up the good work
Susie xx
I love how even though this is a video, I feel like you’re really speaking to me one on one. I’m only 18, and I’m a virgin because I do want to follow “no sex before manogomy.” I don’t have any high expectations that I’m going to be with that person forever, or that it’s going to be truly magical, I just want there to be trust and to know that I didn’t sell myself short. A handful of my friends lost their virginities simply because “everyone else was” and I never wanted to follow that trend. Being the only virgin in a group of friends who have higher numbers always makes me feel like Im the last mammoth on earth. Thank you for being so reassuring and supportive in all your videos, and assuring us to own it and act as if it’s no big deal, because you’re right, it shouldn’t be one. :)
I have so much to say about this. As a religious 26 year old I finally just did it and I have to say I’m glad I did. It was becoming this huge deal and like you say, my vagina is not this gift to someone. It’s just one other aspect of the dynamic, smart, beautiful person I am. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amazing perk if he can get it ;)
I was lucky and my first time wasn’t fumbly or awkward, and while it wasn’t with someone I love or was committed, or hello – married, like I originally planned, I will say this; do it with someone you trust, and there can be many levels of trust. As long as you’re comfortable and with someone who won’t hurt you, it doesn’t have to be this scary, monumental thing.
Well I’m sure I didn’t go about mine the right way but I was 21 when I lost my virginity. It was the same time I got my first kiss. Yup, it happened all at once. I can’t even say how bad it truly was because I had to get drunk to get the courage to do it. NOT A GOOD IDEA. I know the guy used protection, I remember that. He was a condom nazi…I remember it hurt like a bish at one point so that I was pushing him away. I don’t remember anything else. I’m not sure if I even want to. It was interesting I guess. Not one of my better moments but life goes on. My therapist tells me not to dwell on it too much because sex can be incredible once you find the right person no matter what happened before. I held out so long because I was trying to make it perfect and it still didn’t end up that way. It’s not that big of a deal. When you’re little and people make it seem that way, it is to protect you. In reality, it’s different for everyone and there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. That’s just my opinion. BUT I will say, do it while sober. I lucked out because it was safe and with someone I trusted but some guys take advantage of girls in a drunken state. You need to be present, especially during your first time. Take it from me!
I just wanted to say, don’t be afraid of inexperience!
Each time you have sex with someone new, you’re each learning a new language. What works for some people doesn’t work for others. So even if this is your first time with someone who’s had more experience with other people, it’s still his or her FIRST TIME WITH YOU. To have good sex, you need to find someone humble, who’s willing to learn your sexual language, even if it takes time.
Don’t think you need to test someone out sexually before marriage if you want to wait. Anyone can learn how to be great in bed. You just have to be comfortable with each other and good at communicating with each other, and open to trial and error.
Once you find that kind of person, have lots and lots of sex. Become fluent in each other’s language. It keeps getting better!
Hello Matthew!
Thank you for answering this question! I always appreciate your advice! You’re a good soul! :)
-the lady from college… lol
I liked what you said about baggage and making a big deal about it. I’m still a virgin at 24 but most people think I’m some sort of perver/deviant because I am confidant in myself and have a very well developed sense of humor (even when it comes to sex).
To the younger girls who still have their hymen intact, remember you don’t have to justify your choices to the rest of the world. If you meet someone who tries to make you feel awful about it, don’t take it personally. Their behaviour and attitude is just a reflection about their own insecurities of themselves.
I am going to pass this message along to one of my friends. She actually just asked me my advice on this the night before you posted this! I basically gave her the best advice from a girls point of view that pretty much matched almost everything you said, but I think from a guys perspective, it could benefit her. I, myself am not a virgin, although I have decided I would like to wait for the next time to be with someone special so I understand – which to answer that question – NO, my first time was terrible. So was several other times I’ve been with someone. Insecurity can ruin the moment and I think it’s definitely something that many women and possibly men from time to time do experience. Although I think for guys it is different, but i commend those who want to wait. I wish I had, but I do agree with you Matt, that telling someone you are a virgin should be told confidently and with no shame. If the guy runs, well then, he wasn’t the guy for you anyway right? that’s a whole other subject I’m sure :) Great video Matt! I love when you give some of your advice like a big brother. I think it helps us ladies feel comfortable for topics that can be sensitive like this to be addressed from an honest place but also an understanding like a brother as well. At least in my opinion…:) Happy Sunday!
Thank you for doing a video on this topic.
I’m still not sure if I will tell anyone if I’m being honest. I think I’ll tell the truth right before my first time, since honestly, based on some of my experiences I’d rather keep it to myself.
I’m not a virgin for religious reasons. I just haven’t done it because I was very socially anxious for a long time and I was sexually abused as a kid. I now have a good therapist and I think that’s helped me a lot. Nobody has really asked about it or bothered me since my early 20s (I’m 28 now), but a few incidents really hurt me. My sister’s friend made fun of me when he assumed I was a virgin. He didn’t ask – he just assumed and tormented me over it. So in addition to the shame of being abused I was now shamed for NOT having sex. Someone abused me when I was 4 years old, but I suppose my additonal punishment was to be shamed and riducled for my natural reaction to being assualted. Another time a co-worker asked me in front of everyone at work if I was a virin. I was so embarassed, but I said that I was. Luckily another co-worker came to my defense and told the person to leave me alone. Or I hear over and over how men want an experienced woman and they don’t want to have to teach women anything.
I just feel like I can’t trust most people to have any compassion or understanding or sense at all. They will either think something is wrong with me or my virginity will make them want to sleep with me even more. I don’t want people to be turned on or turned off. I want them to see it as part of who I am and want to get to know ME rather than make comments on my sexual status.
I try really hard to stay positive but I’m not superhuman. If someone says something hurtful to me I’m going to be hurt by it. People say they feel compassion for abuse victims, but it’s like they forget that abused children become abused adults and some people really don’t care about us and what we go through. Sometimes I feel like I’m paying for my own abuse and my abuser got to live a long happy life while I’m fighting just to feel human. I don’t want to be negative but I’m just afraid of someone being cruel to me again about this. It can get very frustrating sometimes.
Anyway thanks agian for the video. I will keep the advice in mind and maybe I will try a bit of what you suggest and what my own intuition tells me and see what kind of results I get.
Hi Lily,
I posted a long essay as a reply to Jessica below, who also mentioned abuse. I hope that reading it might give you a sense of hope that you do not have to be dedicated to the memory of your abuse for the rest of your life and a sense of direction as to how that might be achieved. I was sexually abused as a young adult and lost my virginity to rape. I have several friends who were abused as children as you were. My heart goes out to you, and yet I also know that you are stronger than you feel. You can heal from this. You do not have to hide yourself away from sexual experience, nor do you have to have sex in order to ‘get over it’. You need to know that you are precious. And you are.
One thing that I did not mention in that essay is that I am now thirty, and after 11 years of being sexually active, my current partner and I have decided to wait until marriage to have sex. This is something that he offered to do after realizing how profoundly I had been affected by the belief that no man would think I was worth waiting for. This level of respect is the most amazing gift that anyone has ever offered me. I know that it is not easy for him, and honestly, it is not easy for me either, but I also know that the virgin that I was before the abuse deserves a wedding night that is special, and I would encourage you to hold on to the same high respect for yourself if that is what feels right to you. You are worth waiting for.
<3
Jessica
What I find really sad is that many women will get to their 30s, or older before they marry, often because of bad life experiences. The kind of shame women carry from abuse is pretty harsh and I believe that being in control and being able to avoid men who are borderline abusive and are able to ward them off often times is like badge of honor and oddly empowering.
I am sad that so many, on here, were in situations that very well were abusive, meaning you weren’t ready and just let the guy do whatever he wanted, causing a pretty bad experience. Anyway, I do think that that is a huge factor for women staying away from men and away from the marriage relationship, along with the fact that men are fed very irrational sexual expectations of women through the media/web/internet… women are actually justified in not wanting any part in what is actually abuse.
…meaning men often coerce women in to experiences that aren’t exactly respectful to her… more often than not. I promised God that I would wait and will, but it’s pretty dang hard to find even a good guy among the few who also wait when they also are really aggressive and skip every step that creates trust… anyway, negative rank complete.
Hi Matthew
Thanks so much for this video. I’m a 37 year old virgin and made a commitment to God at 21 to save myself for my husband. Lord knows I didn’t know I would be still single and still a virgin at this point – I definitely didn’t set out to win any world records lol but now that I’m an older virgin I realize it’s not just about me anymore, it’s about letting society know that whether you do it for religious reasons or not choosing to remain abstinent until marriage is simply a lifestyle choice – one that affords someone with drama-free relationships without clouded judgement and I’ve found that since sex isn’t included in the equation in my relationships I actually get closer to men I’m dating than, what they’ve said, any woman has ever gotten. I believe it’s because my relationships are based on really getting to know each other, valuing each other and spending time emotionally connecting with one another. Thanks so much for this video, I appreciate the part where you said don’t let the fact that you’re a virgin define you. I view myself being a virgin as simply my choice to live my value system out loud and cherish the institute of marriage so much that I choose to save myself for my future husband (thus only having sex with one person in my entire life – oh wow did I just write that lol) Funny thing is, I’m a touchy-feely person (my love language is touch) so I know, for a fact that I will enjoy sex and all its glory when the time comes, but for now I date regularly, men respect my decision to wait (for the most part lol) and I enjoy life. I’m happy about the many women who publicly shared they are virgins with you, which prompted you to record the video. I write about my experience as well in books and talks and such. Thanks for giving us (virgins) a voice and thanks for understanding that we’re not weird or unattractive freaks but simply women who choose to preserve what we feel is very special (our virginity) to the one whom we feel truly deserves it.
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Love your Comment.
Matthew, thank you so much for this video. It meant a lot to hear what you said. I feel like virgins do define themselves as a virgin. And they may be too afraid to lose it because then what? Who are they? And “he” took it. But when you said it’s not about giving anyone anything, it’s about doing something new for the first time. It’s for you, you did it and it was your experience. Also when you said this isn’t a video saying to just go out and have a bunch of meaningless sex, but to lighten up and enjoy life and if it happens it happens. I feel like there is so much pressure on sex and being a virgin that just should not be there. And your video was really relieving to hear. Especially from a guys perspective. Thank you again!
It’s a good topic. However, I wouldn’t even worry if a guy doesn’t like u because you are a virgin. I personally admire it. The fact that first time Is not easy, is not relevant, everybody is constantly learning in all aspects of life, and this is not the exception. I wouldnt mind to date a guy who doesnt have experience, in fact the idea of knowing a guy who has slept with a lot of women makes me lose interest. As Matthew said, this is one of the greatest experiences of human being. I respect other opinions but seriously the idea of being with one guy and then other and other ..and the number continues… I don’t find any good on that. Feel proud if you decide if you decide to wait till finding the right one instead of doing eaht in just said.
Wow well this makes me think a lot and Indeed it’s hard to find someone to share that special first time with and it’s hard to find someone that makes me feel connected and fully able to give myself without sex being his only intention ..it’s indeed about feeling comfortable and special with someone ….great video
I liked this video a lot. I’m a virgin and I’m 21 and I have a few good friends who are wonderful girls, are virgins too but for different reasons, religious and non. I’m a virgin because I only want to have sex when I’m inlove and receive quite a bit of patronization from a certain minority of men and women. They’ll ask me if I’ve had sex and when I answer honestly, “not yet”, there is a negative reaction. There’s sometimes an automatic assumption that virginity equals being childlike, naïve and sexually immature. It’s not something I worry about but it is wonderfully refreshing to hear someone say for the record that sexual status and is no way to define a person – it reveals nothing about who you are in essence! Everybody is free to make their own choices which make them happy! Love these videos – they are like wisdom crack!
STORY TIME!
I wish I had seen this way back when I was still carrying my v-card… Some time ago I met a really cool guy I liked. We had amazing dates, we were really into each other, but I never told him straight up I was a virgin. I was embarrassed about it, to be honest. My shameful secret. I felt like it was about time I had lost it and I felt like a giant abnormal loser for still being one. I never waited for religious purposes, I just hadn’t met anyone I wanted to lose it to. He assumed I wasn’t a virgin, of course, so every time we ended up alone he would make a move and I’d just say it was too soon to be intimate (truth is, I scared to reveal I was a virgin!). I think after the third time I said no, he probably realized it and pretty much broke up with me soon after, saying he didn’t want anything serious and didn’t want to lead me on and hurt me. He never contacted me again. I felt so embarrassed and sad. Honestly I didn’t know how to handle my virginity, and I know he figured it out. So I feel like I lost a cool opportunity with someone amazing just because of awkward me not knowing what to say. I really liked him and I think I turned him off. I was mortified and ashamed. And felt so alone and doomed…
Then some time passed, the opportunity came up to me and I TOOK IT! In my point of view I didn’t LOSE anything, I GAINED something! Nobody ~took anything from me, but I took the following things: Control over my body and decisions, empowerment, liberation, pleasure, experience, enlightment, discovery, a new side of me. This was for ME and ME only. MY body, MY experience. MINE. For no one else. I wasn’t a gift to anyone; the gift was for ME! And it was GREAT! The guy was handsome, sweet, super attentive, sexy, he taught me HOW to do it, how you control it, how you make it feel good for you, how you relax and let go. He treated my body with respect, with care, with patience… It was a bit painful, sure, but not too much because I relaxed and let go. I didn’t even bleed (what!). It was wonderful. And I’m so happy and thankful that I had the perfect first time, even if later than I wanted it. Because I realized that the person I had been waiting for to do it… was me. This was for me. Not a hypothetical man, not an ideal, not a rule.
You’re the only one who matters because it’s YOUR experience. If you’re still virgins, make sure your first time is great for you. You are the only person who needs this experience to be beautiful, positive, healthy, fun, because it will be unforgettable and the memories will be yours forever. You don’t lose anything, girls. You gain something! And you’re not waiting for the perfect guy: you’re waiting for the perfect moment when you’re so ready, you will choose a suitable guy and you will make the situation perfect by adhering to your standards, respecting your own timing and making it about YOU. This is for you.
Wonderful story Nettie! Nice way to look at it, the part you´re saying you´re really waiting for yourself to be ready.
For me, it wasn´t such a big deal either. I was 20 by the time I did it for the first time (now 24) and some friends of mine were also ‘still’ a virgin. I didn’t care that much. Except that I felt I was ready to do it for 2 or 3 years before that, but didn’t meet any guys I found nice enough to have this experience with. So like you, I also just waited and by the time I met this guy it was great and he was very sweet and also a bit proud to be my first, haha.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Thanks! Haha. I feel very proud of my first time too. No regrets. Even if I was a late bloomer it was worth it, and I know in my heart I couldn’t have found a better guy to lose it to. It couldn’t have been better. Which really proves that first times don’t have to be bad at all! Just relax, don’t be self-conscious, just go for it and make sure the guy knows what he’s doing and he cares about you having a good time too, because even if the first time is painful, the experience can still be very pleasurable. You can still enjoy it. The was very little awkwardness with me, to be honest. And I think it’s all psychological too. I was so ready and mentally prepared, that I just went for it and I knew how to move and what to do. So it’s important for me to this stress out: wait ’til you are ready if you want a really cool first time. The experience is for YOU. Not for God. Not for your husband (who probably won’t be a virgin). Not for your friends. It’s for you. Don’t be peer pressured into anything, either “saving it” or “losing it.” Because this experience only belongs to you. Only you will value it as much as you do.
And Virgins, remember: you are not losing anything. You are gaining it! Wait for nobody but yourself to be ready! Your first time CAN be amazing. Do not lower your standards. And it doesn’t matter if you’re in love or not. Remember that this experience can still be amazing regardless of that. What is very necessary is finding a guy who is really into you, who respects you, who treats you right, who makes you feel so at ease and comfortable in your own skin and nakedness that you relish in it and let go. Pain will be minimal if you’re comfortable and MENTALLY ready. Many people have bad first times because they are pressured into doing it, or they feel guilty or they’re just not ready. It’s not a bad thing to wait. It’s embarassing to be a virgin no matter your age.
I so wish I had seen this video back when I met the guy I scared away. I felt like something was wrong with me, and like Matt said, I projected that. Nothing was wrong with me.
Correction: it’s NOT embarrassing to be a virgin no matter your age! ;) please consider my advice. I wish I hadn’t been so ashamed of my virginity. If you think about it, we are all sexual even before we do it. The awkwardness and fear is all in our minds. You control it. Do it for you. Choose an experienced guy who respects you and knows how to get you in the mood. And enjoy~