There is nothing sadder to me than hearing people give up on love.
Today’s video is a little different from recent ones. I really hope it resonates and that despite the hardships I know you’ve been through, you can make this area a priority in going on to fulfil your potential.
Whether they go right or wrong, relationships mean potential.
Relationships give us so much opportunity to find more out about who we are, to better understand human nature, and to share experiences and different ways of living.
If you’ve found yourself falling into the same cycles again and again with men, I know it’s not easy. But it doesn’t have to be this way. In making a slight shift to your mindset, you can go on to create an entirely different set of outcomes.
Try these 4 steps to break the pattern you’re currently experiencing…
1) Define the goal
If our goal is to get it right every time, that’s a problem. If that’s your mentality, you’re going to give up because you’ll never win.
The goal has to be…
*I’m going to be the person I want to be in this world.*
Start by being who you want to be, and then filter out the people who don’t accept that.
2) Live by YOUR standards
Allow yourself to live up to the standards you’ve set yourself for how you want to express yourself.
If someone takes this the wrong way, that’s fine, you can move on and look for someone else who will be better suited to them.
3) Chunk it down
Instead of thinking ‘this is going to be my life-partner forever’ or ‘this is the person I’m going to get married to and have kids with’, we have to chunk down.
These things you want are the byproducts of incredible moments with someone.
Getting married is the byproduct of incredible moments that lead two people to a place where they want to get married.
Having kids is the byproduct of magical moments where you feel a shared intimacy that makes you want something that’s greater than the two of you.
4) Strive for MOMENTS
We have to look to achieve MOMENTS, not grand visions for how our lives could be with someone twenty years down the road.
The big vision creates overwhelm and makes us feel like a failure every time we have a false-start.
Instead focus on moments of shared connection.
Moments like…
–I want to have a smile with someone.
–I want to have an unusual conversation over a coffee.
–I want to sit at a bar, flirt and have fun.
It starts here. The moments are the building blocks.
Just focus on bringing your all to the moments.
If you’re sitting here reading this thinking, ‘I’ve given up, I can’t do this anymore, it’s over…’, don’t even think about the big vision right now.
You don’t need to take on the burden of ‘going out to find a life-partner’. But I do need you to have the courage to say, “I’m going to go and have a great moment.”
Don’t deny yourself connection because one part of you feels that there isn’t hope, or that it isn’t going to go right.
Instead put your excitement into the moments in front of you that could turn into something magical if you’re open enough to let them happen.
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I’m really looking to get this video around to as many people as possible. If you know just one person that this could help, it would mean the world to me for you to share it with them.
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You’re such a guy! Lol! Be careful. I’m a big fan of your work Matthew! I love all of the videos you do short, long, cut or uncut. Keep them coming and thank you so much for posting them! Your videos have really helped me.
I’m divorced and trying to get out there in the dating world again. It’s really hard, but I’m trying my best to be confident and “faking it until I make it.”
I have been working on “finding myself” the last year if you want to call it that. When I left I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I knew what I used to like, but I hadn’t done any of that in so long. It was hard to start getting back into it. I started painting again and going dancing. It’s the best thing that I could ever do for myself, like a little piece of heaven on Earth.
My divorce was really hard on me and I don’t ever want to be in a relationship like that ever again. To put it simply, I am now more than ever an advocate for women who go through domestic violence. My case is not as bad as some of the ones involving weapons, but abuse is abuse. If you look through the wheel that has abuse on it I have been through a form of every single one of them. Some were worse than others.
I’m just glad I was able to get out when I did. I made a lot of people angry at me because I didn’t tell them I was leaving for my own safety…if they only knew what I had been through maybe they would have changed their minds? I don’t know.
All I know is I have to focus on the present and not the past. I’m trying really hard to make new friends and do things that I enjoy again. I’m finally saying yes to me instead of denying myself opportunities like I did before.
I’m kind of scared/hesitant to start seriously dating again. There’s this quote that says, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” I don’t want to give up on love, but the hardest part for me at the moment is being able to put my trust in guys again. It’s not like I don’t want to trust them, I do. I’m just kind of scared that the past will repeat itself, and I don’t want that to happen again.
I believe there are good guys out there. I know that the only way to find them is to keep getting out there and meeting new people. I’m an introvert by my nature and I was always called shy and quiet growing up. I have worked really hard to try to get out of that zone, but sometimes I still revert to it.
I think I need to practice giving guys space too because I don’t want to come off as “stalkerish” or something like that. Obviously that will scare them away. I swear part of me becomes obsessed with someone when I like them…stupid love chemicals in my brain! I need to stop that. I need to take things slower and relax. I need to make more moments happen.
Thank you again for everything Matthew! You’re the best!
What’s up, just wanted to mention, Ienjoyed this article.
It was funny. Keep on posting!
Hello Matthew I am commenting on the loss of love. I am a teenager and I have had the same cycle of men and bad behaviors. I have never had a steady guy in my life like a father or bother, because they left me. How do I get along with anyone if I don’t know how to interact with them? I have tried to date over and over again but I just don’t know what to do. In the end I get hurt. Also I have watched many of your videos but have not seen much on if someone is in a bad relationship but does not know if they want to leave or stay. After a couple months of being in a relationship I tend to think about how my life would be if I was single again. I don’t know if this is normal but it seems to be a common issue for me. Please help and sorry if this is a lot in one post I was not able to type on YouTube for some reason. Thank You for all you have done to help
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Wow so many comments.
Probably you will not see that but if I have 1% of chance I want to try.
I Just want to say thank you.
You are awesome.
And I will lern English from you.i am more motivated now.how you swear? Shit I heard from you.what else?
You make me smile.thanks
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Hi Matthew,
I normally don’t comment but you asked for feedback here so, why not. The video was certainly motivating and being at this stage myself it is obviously easier said than done. I feel currently I have those exacts ideals of valuing moments rather than the bigger picture, providing space to not feel over bearing and not looking too far in the future but for an overly emotional female that’s a bit tricker esp after a memorable evening or weekend, the key I feel there is that if you do lay in bed testing out your first name with his last, Don’t admit to it! LoL but truly to Not to take it too seriously, I find that I am often laughing at myself to give it the flash of reality reminding me that I may be moving to fast in my mind. As a goal, settling with the idea of “if it happens it happens, great, if not, I’m still happy to be me” is the most important. However, I feel men have this notion that because I’m at “the age” where woman are border line obsessed with the idea of marriage and children I’ must automatically be Under exaggerating my attitude towards these topics which arises a different trigger in men of course. The balancing act is quite difficult but honestly, knowing I’m not the only one feeling like giving up is pretty comforting. And as for the length of the video, wasn’t too long at all, (my comment is probably more torturous) I’ve watched hrs of your seminars at this point so 10 mins was a breeze. Plus, you can never go wrong bringing it back to the old school! Cheers!
I loved the longer video, especially the personal anecdotes at the end. Thank you for encouraging me. I needed to hear this today.
I enjoyed the one long stream of thought. May not always work out that way for every video but if it does it should be used.
First heard you on Elvis Duran, and everything you say makes sense. Now if only the guys would start listening too… :)
9 minutes is the magic number ;) Or 7 minutes in heaven would be good. Do you play this in England? I may have to teach you lol. I like to listen to you while I do things, so length means I get more done.
I really liked what you had to say about chunking it down to moments and enjoying moments. Very smart.