There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.
They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.
I’m not going to let that happen to you.
In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…
Matthew, I bought your book and your program and I’ve followed your post. I have learned alot of good and valuable information. You teach things that were not taught to me and have made me so much stronger and happier. This is the first time I’ve actually made a comment though. This topic is so personal to me as I went through a longterm marriage with a toxic person. I struggle with the repercussions of having finally left, because he has worked on our two sons psychic to the point where they don’t communicate with me at all. I don’t hear from them on mother’s day, my birthday, christmas.It breaks my heart. I have stressed over how to approach the situation with them without putting their father down in their eyes. So I sit and I wait hoping that they will come to their senses someday. Since then I was in a relationship with a man that looked very good on paper. In the beginning he was the man I’d always dreamed of. He was a saint. Once I said yes, to getting married it was like I didn’t know who he was anymore. I kept looking at what was it I did or said to make him turn into this mean, sarcastic, controlling person. He did everything on your list (except physical violence). It took me so long to figure it out. I’d talk to friends, but it only made it worse, because they always had opinions that were from any ordinary, bad relationship experiences or knowledge. But this was different and I knew it. Something was very different than just a bad fit or chemistry. But until you’ve run across this in your own life it’s hard to wrap your head around it. Like I said it took me awhile to figure things out and to cut my losses. In your video you have made this topic the most clear and precise I’ve ever heard. The most painful part was when he’d distance himself from me and instead of working things out for the good with me, he’d go to other people of a group he is involved in and get coaches there to support him. He’d come back treating me worse than ever though. BTW the people in the organization he’s a member of think he is some kind of guru and he has tons of women mostly who flock all over him praising everything he does. I not only lost what I thought was the love of my life, but I also found the healthy thing to do was to cut myself off from these mutual contacts as well. Matthew thank you for all the work that you do for people to have healthier, relationships which translates into having happier, more fulfilling, successful lives.
Great stuff. I’d love to hear about how to handle someone toxic that you can’t just rid yourself of. For example, my coparent. I ended my romantic relationship with him, but I forever have to interact with my ex, about something as important as my child, who by the way, I want to do everything possible to shield from the toxicity.
I’ve listened to this video twice. The first time I saw the real reasons why I needed to leave a 22 year marriage. The second time I saw myself. I recently ended a relationship with someone. I thought we were moving toward exclusivity and it appears not…The first half of the conversation went well, but in the second half I exhibited the toxic signs in #1. I did not degrade him, but made it clear that there were others who wanted me. I was trying to hurt him as I’d been hurt. Clearly I have more personal work to do. Thank you Matt!
The man I’m with is so impossible to communicate with. He lets me down, breaks promises repeatedly but if I say anything about it his response is never to apologize. He tells me that I’m just attention seeking or that my complaint is “bullshit”
Is he just not capable of simple compassion? Every time I try to get things out in the open it backfires. Why don’t I want to let him go?
For anyone looking on more information on toxic people and potentially abusive relationships READ THE BOOK “WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN” by Lundy Bancroft. I wouldnt have stayed in my abusive relationship as long as I did had I been properly educated. Since 1 in 3 women suffer partner abuse, it is imperative every woman read this book! Peace and Love to all.
Thank you for puting this video up, definitely helps me understand why my ex husband never worked out I’ve alwasys thought it was me
Thank you again I reakly wish you would do a conference in Canada
Matt, spot on!!! There hasn’t been an issue getting the attraction but problem is the males I’ve been attracted to pour it on thick. Endless calls, you’re the keeping kind, etc. Then after a period of time when I return kindness like making a meal, celebrating a holiday that is when the distancing behavior is triggered. So fundamentally woman want to feel safe and these men are masters with words and actions for a couple of months. But as soon as I share my true nature which is kindness and reciprocation the chase is over. I’ve started to study human behaviors and triggers and doing my utmost not to get sucked into the manipulation but they are so good. I completely believe that there are really great guys out there and will not settle until I find my teammate. However, the journey is exhausting but I’m teachable and not a quiter. I watch each and every video that you post. A sincere thank you, Matt, for your commitment to us. This is my first Internet comment ever.. Please know that we value your efforts, however, many folks don’t like to leave the social media footprint. But we are indeed here watching and applying your instruction and heartfelt sincerity to our lives. Thank you for all that you do and will do. God speed.
p.s. Loving these videos on toxicity because these are the players that truly are in the chase. The ones that woo us, confuse us. So helpful what elements you so clearly defined within this video. Thank you again!
Thank you Matthew, this confirms things for me but what I am supposed to do as it is my MOM doing this ??
I’m sure she don’t mean bad, only for “my best” but I can’t handle it. I’ve stopped seeing her for ten years now and feel ashamed of it.
(sorry if my English is not perfect it is not my usual language)
Spot On Dude!
Matt – Hind sight is 20-20. So glad that I was able to get out of a toxic relationship and eventually attend a retreat with you and your team. It’s so hard to accept this sort of information when you need it the most. It’s especially hard because that toxic person tries to control every aspect of your life. I wonder how to help my daughter and other young women accept the information before they are in jeopardy of losing themselves. Surely not all of us have to learn the hard way. Unfortunately, I find that young people often know it all… until they realize they don’t. I’m having a hard time passing on your wisdom to my twenty-two year old daughter. Thoughts?
Sadly, toxic relationships can be with friends and family members. As hard as it is we need to have the courage to recognize all toxic relationships and put a stop to them. I believe we are put on this earth to help each other grow not tear one another down.
You’re such a smart young man. My ex was toxic for me, and I finally got away from him and am ready for a new life. It is awful to be with someone who denigrates you and makes you feel weaker rather than stronger, who accuses you of sleeping with your boss when you get a big raise due to your achievements, who never looks to himself for improvements he demands from the relationship. I was so stressed, my hair started to fall our. To be free of someone like that feels better than I imagined. I wish him well and hope he finds happiness in life, but truly I never wish to see him again. Thanks for your wonderful insights; I hope they help someone else.
Hello Matthew, thank you so much for this video, but I have a question. After listening to the 5 signs your dating a toxic person makes me see that I am in a relationship with someone like that, but he also say that I’m all those things too. How would I know if I’m the toxic person?
Thanks for your advise :)
That is so helpful M. I know exactly what you are talking about and importantly you have made it clear that none of us is perfect so it’s not about blaming. It is about having clear but flexible boundaries and this is a bit more complicated, so I would welcome some more from you on this. (May be I missed this).
Oh and I would add if you are suffering any kind of loss including bereavement, break up, relatives emigrating, job loss, etc., you will be extremely vulnerable to this kind of manipulation. It’s best to be patient with yourself, try to disengage, or/and acknowledge that this is a difficult time without being self condemnatory.
Thank you for making this video. You hit the nail right on the head. Everything you’ve said I already knew, but you just worded it so perfectly. It’s nice to know others elsewhere can relate, and I’m not just going crazy. Lol. Love your videos. You’re no longer just a dating coach and business man, you’re helping people think outside of the box and become more worldly. You speak such power through your words. Thank you.
You just spoke about the man I was married to for best part of twenty five years. From further research, I believe this is narcissistic personality disorder and stems from being raised in an uncaring and abusive home where there is constant criticism plus physical/verbal abuse. I managed to get out eventually, but the problems my ex husband caused are still being felt, including by our children. There should be much more taught about this kind of thing in high school, it is sorely needed. Keep up your good work.
I’ve had friendships with two toxic people. The last girl I was friends with, I kept at a distance because I noticed certain behaviors and patterns in the way she talked to people and treated people that I thought were not right or toxic. She was also very dependent. I get it , she wasn’t in the city very long and didn’t have many friends but it’s terrible to feel that someone has so much dependance on you. It’s a burden really.
I also found that she wasn’t really nice. She would find a problem with every restaurant and bar that we went to except the ones that she personally approved of. She would cause a scene if the waitress charged her over two dollars for something and she would say really offensive things. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it she would be aggressive and angry and turn the whole thing around so that it seemed like I was the one with the problem and not her.
The other friend had serious insecurity issues and I felt bad for her. I’m not going to go into depth with this one, but to say the least, she left bite marks on my arm at one point.
Anyways this clip really does apply to not only men but all relationships in general.
Thanks for posting Matt,
Mika
As always it was a pleasure watching you
Though I felt I needed more examples this time
to really grasp your definition of “Toxic person”.
It seemd to me, your description was very.. “black and wight”
Wile I was waiting to learn more of the shades..
Senario where we’re not sure weather it’s a toxic person or perhaps our toxic interpretation? How can we really tel?
So
I’d love it if you find some time to elabarate
It seems like an extremely important matter :)
Tamar
Dear Matthew,
Thank you for your video which I think, is absolutely essential to helping people being aware there ARE people like that, and they DO exist. And that really, they can break your heart or even make you think you will lose your mind.
First of all, I am French so I apologize in advance for my possible mistakes in English :P
I have known an italian boy who was one of my housemates when I used to study for a year in London. We very soon felt attracted to each other, and he did everything to make me fall for him: inviting me to watch a movie in his room after a few days in the house, multiplying attentions, conversations and smiles for me to open myself to him. He even came and knocked at my door sometimes, to ask if I needed any help for anything, when I was unpacking my luggage. So at first, I just understood he had a crush on me or was only flirting, and I found it very agreeable as he was extremely handsome and charming. At least, to my eyes ;) :P
One day, we watched a movie for he had insisted so much, and I was happy about it. He kissed me passionately at the end of the movie, and seemed totally in love with me. I was surprised. He was acting like a teenager, all intimidated and confused…Although he was 20 and I was 22. (thought you would like to know our ages :P) He seemed really in love and I refused to go further. I told him there would be nothing more than a kiss and I asked him if he was aware this situation would be complicated to handle as housemates. He agreed but seemed like he didn’t care.
But the day after, he asked me to go out with him and the other housemates to celebrate on Halloween’s night. So I went, they convinced me, but he was distant during all the evening,almost ignoring me. At the end, when we were out of sight, I came to talk to him and give him a cuddle, but he let me do without reacting, as if he was embarrassed. He clearly made me confused.
Day after day, he pretended as if nothing had happened!!! ANd didn’t want to talk to me. SO after a few days, I asked to talk to him and he explained me he didn’t want to commit in a relationship because he had just split up with his ex girlfriend few months before and still felt hurt. He told me he needed freedom and didn’t want to be hurt again when I would have to come back to France. But I answered him, HE was the one who came to me and tried everything to get closer to me. HE was the one who put himself in that situation and I was the one who had put limits to this kiss.
After that, I tried to take my distances as he had asked me to, with the hope, I must confess, that he would change his mind for I had feelings for him. And that’s what he did. He came back to me, flirted with me, asked me to do this and that with him, have a little talk etc…Flirting basically.
But then, real problems started. I was happy he had come back to me, because I thought I had respected him with his decision and he may have had changed his mind for he really seemed to like me!! But those were only desillusions. Maybe he liked me very much, but most of all, he was extremely disturbed, unbalanced and incoherent.
It would be too long to explain all the things he has tried to do to manipulate me and make me feel miserable, but one thing is sure: He always tried to make me feel guilty and responsible for everything I was doing!! Always looking for arguments, telling me I had done this and that when I didn’t even understand where it came from. I often found myself lost, and wondering how he could possibly have “CREATED” all this!!! (I remember these exact thoughts and words in my head).
Everything was going so fast, I almost felt like i had done something wrong. ANd here I was, spending all my nights trying to understand or find anything that I could have possibly done wrong: but I couldn’t find any…I texted him to try and apologize for things I didn’t know I had done, but my priority was to stop this mental torture he was exercising on me. I just wanted to make it all stop and find peace again, even if it meant I had to apologize for nothing. The most important was for him to stop making me feel bad all the time.
But he kept doing it, day after day, looking like a crazy or a schizophrenia. He acted differently with all the rest os the housemates and whistled like a joyful bird every morning, when I found myself in pain in my bed, wondering how I would be able to solve this problem with him. It was as if I was trapped in a prison that only I could enter, and nobody could see or hear me for nobody had witnessed his insanity with me.
He changed his humor very fast with me, was unpredictable and I began to become scared of him, even of meeting him. So I tried to avoid him in the house…
The night before I had to leave for Paris, as he had refused to arrange the situation and talk to me, he asked me to talk with him.
I was relieved, for I thought he had realized what he had done to me, and maybe apologize and explain himself to me for all he had done…
But to my complete despair and awe, he just wanted to put me down even more and spent about 15 minutes, in his room, telling me that he knew I was a BAD person. That he didn’t care what others thought of me, HE knew the truth, and he knew I wasn’t the one I wanted people to think..At this very moment, I felt like the doors of Hell had opened and as if my soul was gliding towards it. It was unbelievable. I wished that anyone could be there and help me, see how crazy and obsessed he was…He told me all that, and, I was still trying to convince him that I was not that person. I saw myself trying to justify myself for nothing..So that he could like me and stop thinking those horrible and wrong things he was saying about me…I loved him. And he was killing me. Purposely.
It seemed like he was delighted to see me submitted to him and suffering. He only took me in his arms and tried to kiss me again when I broke in tears for I was deeply hurt..I let himself do because I loved him. Or at least I thought I loved him, and paradoxically, even though he had mentally tortured me for all this time, all I needed was him to hold me in his arms…
When I came back to Paris, I thought I was done with all that but I realized with horror, that he had left me a poisonous gift. The gift of guilt that was slowly growing inside me. And I needed help from my friends and family and even psychological help to understand that all this wasn’t my fault and that I had met a great and perverse manipulator.
So thank you dear Matthew for sharing this video with us, as it could help many women to become aware of this kind of relationships and it also helped me identify with all 5 points you mentionned about what toxic people do.
Thank you. :) Today, my life has come back to normal and I am very happy and healthy. He didn’t succeed in making me crazy like him :P
To all the women and people it could help,
Never let anyone try to destroy your heart and mind,
You will know when it happens ;) And when it is the case, as Matthew said so brightly: RUN!
Love,
Claire
Thank you for telling your story Claire from France ! You wrote it very well and your English was excellent . ( mine isn’t that great thought !) . It was horrible that you went through all that terrible torture , and I’m glad you escaped and found help to heal . I hate to think what that guy is doing now and who he may be harming :( . Hopefully matts video will reach many and help people stop becoming victims to these sick and toxic characters .
Thanks again Matt !!! :)
Dear Vikky,
I am so pleased you read my story and could understand my english properly. Thank you!! Thank you for your support and your kind words :)
As you said, I really hope he is not torturing someone else now. What makes me sad is that I will never know if he does, and NOBODY will know it, as he is very attentive to not let anyone be able to see how he really is with his “victims” ad what he really does.
I can only pray he will stop this.
Thank you for reading me and reassuring me about my English Vikky, haha :)
Enjoy your day
With Love,
Claire
You have just described my soon to be ex husband…This is how people get brainwashed isn’t it?