There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.
They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.
I’m not going to let that happen to you.
In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…
Great video!! All the signs reminded me of an ex I – I left him. I assumed he was a control freak with isssuessss but from reading this, I’m thinking “hmmmm….he was toxic!”.
Tall, good looking and seemed lovely..but he was very quick to want to go exclusive. I went with it – he was fun and great company. But a few months in it was like I was with a different person…started criticising me which led to arguments. I’d tell him “I don’t like what you said” and he’d get angry. I’m far from perfect but he was something else.
The Classic and I giggle about it now was his “babe…babe what is going on!! (Ultra serious face!!) all the cutlery has water stains on it. Your standards aren’t as high as before!” Comment. I was flabbergasted – I just looked him and said “you have issues!! Water stains…really?!” Then walked off, all very calmly. But that was just one of a whole list of criticism – some of it much more cutting. For instance, I’m a size 10 and he told me I was putting on too much weight – I eat well, workout, I look great. Anyway, it was clear I was dating a Control Freak or from this video a Toxic Person.
I think the relationship lasted 6/7months. I was a bit chicken in regards re ending it….but I was a bit concerned he might fip out. I did it via email – it also gave me the opportunity to list all his criticism and advise him to go find his perfect woman lol!!! He did all the “I will change” stuff but we know that’s nonsense – he’d shown me who he was and I decided I really didn’t like him. On to the next one…:-)
Completely agree. My guy did the same thing. Wanted to be exclusive within 2 weeks. Went off the deep end because I felt it was too early. Tried to move in with me within 2 months. Later accused me of not being up to my usual standards. And I’m like “dude you’re a drain, I need time away from you(him) to refresh and reset. ” He then tried to ” work it out” a move that failed before it started due to his toxicity. He got mad over my running late and having to adjust plans after I went for a hair appointment that had been overbooked by the stylist. Naturally, this was my fault because I picked the stylist. At that point it was clear the relationship was toxic and pointless. Never been happier to be out of a relationship
well, I agree .. but can’t these toxic guys be treated .
I mean am not gonna just leave him because of his poison our love is much stronger
but what if he comes to be toxic .. how can I treat that .. should I crush him to show him how it’s annoying .. or should I be soft with him ( as am afraid that he gets more toxic if he takes more motions from me ) … there are many questions to be asked . But what am I supposed to do when I find iut that he is toxic ?
Your so correct, this happened over my long marriage , my family mentioned some of the things they noticed in me but I put it down to maturing and adapting to marriage , confidence, me going out (any reason for an argument ), even a little one to put me in wrong frame of mind for going out , manipulation in my opinions ,didn’t want to talk about certain stuff as he always saw the bad side of things, I was an optimist , he was a pessimist , and his vanity went into overdrive (I thought it was midlife crisis) , so did my lawyer, but hey we all go through mid life crisis but we don’t all cheat with someone young enough to be your daughter and a couple of yrs older than your actual daughter. Finding yourself again is hard after 24 yrs , but trying
Matthew ! A very thought-provoking lecture ; ) A wonderful choice of vocabulary, by the way.
Take a good care of yourself and thank you ; )
Dear Matt,
I just watched your video and although these are no news to me the video has been a light, a relief… I’m not crazy!!!
I can’t run in this case, not as I would like to at least! That toxic person is my mother. (I’ve seen in some comments I’m not alone!) I did run away from my parents house years ago but life has taken me back for a few months now…Is being hard but also is helping me to heal wounds. Now that I can see clearer what’s going on in this house I can try to “protect” myself but what really worries me are these two things:
– I have 5 brothers younger than me at home, the youngest is 12 years old. If I simply run… don’t you think that he could ask me (and the rest of us) in some years from now why if we knew what was happening we “left him behind”? Because this kind of relationship produce so many wounds, I know it!! And even more if the toxic person is someone you respect, someone that has authority over you.
– This toxic person is not a random person I happened to meet, this person brought me to life, to this world… she has given me so many good things too! Is there ANY way to make this kind of people to see reality as it is so they can change?
I really appreciate that you share all your wisdom with us Matthew! I wish you the very best in life!
Ange,
I totally get what you are saying. My toxic person is my sister. I like you can’t just walk away, my heart won’t let me, the bond of family is strong. My sister has two kids – one of whom is just 11. What would I say to that little girl in the future if I walked away from her. Sometimes you have to stay and be the better person.
Ange – the best way to counteract the toxicity is to surround yourself with amazing friends – not dozens, just two or three real, solid, true, call any time of day or night, friends. They will help you neutralise the toxcity. Trust me I have built strong friendships with just a handful of men and women (none of them are my boyfriend) and they are my total lifeline when it comes to my toxic relationship. They are my confidants and each has there own place in my world.
I wish you luck
Thank you Tasha for your words, I wish us both strength without losing a loving heart!
I can identify with what you have said from a long term past relationship, marriage and friendship. I have even come across people like this at work and in sports. Such individuals are prone to be violent, verbally aggressive, emotionally abusive, belittling, controlling and anything else you care to imagine. Get rid of such an individual in your life. That includes leaving your job and for me I left a sports club and relationships. Don’t be afraid.
Matt your videos are so to the point thanks for your affirmation.
Matt,
From my experience most toxic people give you signs much earlier than the stages that you can notice those things you mention.
For example in dating, I can spot a toxic person since the first few conversations. A manipulator would try to plant the idea of marrying him or having children with him without even knowing him. I had at least three men doing that to me. The first one was proved he had a history of domestic violence, the other one was a player/womaniser and the third one was an obsessed crazy person.
An indicative sign for the first stages is usually a super inflated ego. People like this tend to be superficially charming on the initial stages.
Another red flag is someone that is too agreeable in the first stages. There is a high possibility this person is passive/aggressive.
Anyone that gets clingy too soon and expects you spend all of your time with them can be a toxic person too.
In work and family usually you get signs from the unrealistically high expectations they have from you. No matter how hard you try you’ll never reach the ideal they want you to reach. So you have to try harder, explain yourself a lot and do all the heavy work while they do almost nothing . There is an imbalance of effort and investment in the relationship.
These are some of the things that alert me as a person when I am interacting with someone. My way of dealing with these attitudes is to try and see behind their actions. What are their intentions each time? I react or not react according to this. I know what I want and I know what I want to achieve. I usually see what are my options and where it could lead me each move and chose accordingly.
Some people might say the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation. That’s not always possible. I agree it is best avoiding all drama if you can but if you can’t you can eliminate the exposure to the person and be aware of how to maintain your boundaries.
omg I have been in an eight year relationship and you have just described my partner to a tee. I am so drained and it has really made me step away now after seeing this I really see what has been going on.
I was in a 10 year marriage, actually incarceration, with a toxic person. Then went on to have three more damaging relationships with toxic characters. Thankfully I learned the signs and I’ve finally broken the cycle. I wish I’d seen this video 20 years ago! Though, what I’ve been through has made me the life coach that I am today. So it’s all good :)
Great video Mathew. Will share on facebook…
Are all men over the age of 40 addicted to online dating?!? Is there any hope with these guys?!? There seems to be this strange paradigm where the more amazing you are, the more confident they feel about finding another/more amazing women just like you. When they are confronted they break down and make promises they can’t keep. Please help me understand, Matt!!!
these are men that had low self esteem because they were not successful with women on the first place. So they get an ego boost and go out there to get more ego boosts. Best thing to do with those men is to let them go and watch them fail from a distance.
They are very amusing xx
Matt, Like many of your video’s, you are on point. I have a sibling like this and for that reason I have implemented boundaries to allow extremely limited interaction. Over the years, I have also had a few bosses who are toxic in some of the ways you mention. Breaking that pattern is difficult. Is there a way to identify these behaviors in the interview process of a job? It seems in dating, I can generally spot the behaviors quite early, so I know some of the patterns are at the least, shaken up.
God bless, Jennifer
Oh so true Matthew. Bee married for 21 years have 2 teenage children & you just described my husband – he is always right and others always wrong and plays the “blame game” too often. I always justified his behaviour as he was insecure but allowed him to belittle me and sap my confidence. I read recently “Co dependent no more” by Melanie Beattie, really related to it but did a lot of self awareness and counselling. Only recently realised I was a victim and allowed him to treat me this way. I say “enough is enough and I deserve more” and deserve to give more to someone who wants to receive my support, encouragement and commitment. Seriously considering divorce (not lightly I have to say), even asked him to go couples couselling, talk to see if we can resolve things but I always get the same slap in the face. I’ve tried everything to keep this together but realise I can only change myself. He has to change himself and he’s the only one who can unfortunately. Thanks again, much love…..
Matthew,
Great work you are doing on creating an awareness on human behavior.
I have invested a lot over the years on personal development programs and I just purchased IMPACT a couple months back. I am still finishing up the courses and really have found a shift in the way I connect with people. All very positive.
I used to follow a coach called Tony Robbins but I would say a lot of what you share is much deeper than that. We are social beings and you teach women and men how to better understand the dynamics, appreciate them for what they are, and work best within those states.
Amazing. Love IMPACT and looking forward to going to the Orlando live event on April 18th!! You are really spearheading our ability to unleash the power within at a deeper level ;) …thankyou.
I agree, Bibi. I watched two Tony Robins videos only after Matthew mentioned him in one of his videos a while ago. I couldn’t finish watching them, he couldn’t keep my attention for long. He stretches a simple idea with too many words and unnecessary talking. Matthew, on the other hand, is very articulate. I can listen to him for hours without getting bored, he doesn’t say anything unnecessary. So yeah, I am team Matthew! :-P :) xx
I really appreciated this video. When I was 20, I got involved with someone who seemed wonderful at first. 5 years and many ups and downs later, and I realized how toxic it was. It’s amazing how much subtle manipulative comments over time can totally erode the worth you feel for yourself in relationship. What you feel like you even have a right to bring up or ask for. I am still trying to figure out how to be healthy in a relationship. How to share my wants, needs, and desires in a healthy manner, and it’s hard. When you’ve been conditioned to be beaten (verbally) every time you try to share it becomes paralyzing to share those things. I’m trying to learn over time how to do this in a healthy manner. The challenge is, if I move far enough with a guy to get to this point, its because I really care. I feel like I’ve undermined a couple relationships at this point by not healthily expressing myself. Simply because I didn’t know how.
Matt,
Thank you so much for the video. I appreciate how you delivered a very real message that needed to get said. Your videos have touched me and made me believe what I’ve always known I had inside. I am quite sure there are many women who share my sentiment.
GREAT video, Matt. My ex did all of what you described, and I keep getting confirmation (like your video) that I am lucky to be away from that person.
I also really like how you keep providing advice and examples of what a healthy relationship looks like so that all of your followers can seek those healthy qualities and not tolerate the unhealthy ones.
Hi Matt,
Toxic people are still people, they’re just really insecure. And everyone has insecurities but not all have the skills to process them. I can’t be running away from everyone who’s insecure, they’re my friends families and people around me, they have good qualities too.
Is there another way to spread positivity without getting too damaged by the toxicity in this world?
Hey Matthew.. I see some of the things in myself and both my family and friends.:
I wish you would make a video about how i, myself Can chance that in me and in others because i’m really not good at these situations…
A sixth sign (for me at least) would be that you notice you’re doing things to please them, to prove that you are actually “worthy” of them.
I watched the video, I think you are correct,about toxic people. I know from experience,you have to know how to talk,listen,or answer them,so they will not be able to upset you. You have to acknowledge to your self who these people are in your life. Thanks Barbara