There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.
They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.
I’m not going to let that happen to you.
In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…
Hi, I like this video, because it touches not just on relationships but family members who may also behave this way. I am aware on how to identify the problems now, especially since you explained it so clearly in the video. I really like how you are able to explain things in such a way. What I would like to know, is what to do once we are able to identify the problem. Obviously we can’t bring it up with that person – because that doesn’t work. So we know the problem, now what we do?
If proximity is power, then obviously staying away from that person is important. But what if that person is your mom or your significant other? What if they text you constantly? How do we sort of get away from them without hurting their feelings or causing them to try to bring us down or inflict their scorpion venom on us?
Thanks so much for this video. OMG you’re so right. At the end of the day if you stay with a toxic person it’s one of two outcomes you get degraded and broken down emotionally or become toxic yourself. I recently broke up with a man who was just toxic. Every woman he had dated was evil and no matter how much love compassion and respect I treated him with, he just found ways to bring negativity into my life. Tried to move in with me within 2 months as he became obsessed with me. Got foul and negative when he realized I was pulling away because I couldn’t deal with him anymore. Glad that is over. There is just no pleasing these kind of people. Get this, he owes me thousands of dollars and accuses me of being with him for money. Yeesh !
Hi Matt,
I would need your help sooo much, once I wrote you and you gave such a good advice *-*.
So I got together with my boyfriend 14 months ago, there was a “little” accident and I got pregnant after three months. I’m 21 he’s 28. I was shocked, he was very happy but I told him that if he wanted to leave it’s fine because I don’t wanna count on someone who I actually can’t. He said no “I want to be the father of your child” and ” I loved you yesterday I love you today and I’ll love you tomorrow. OK we moved together…however he kinda forgot to tell me that his 56 year old half deaf weighs two tons father is going to move with us too (by the way that person is just using him, once in the past -as a child- my boyfriend did something stupid – like who doesn’t do stupid things when 14????- so he was told that he was disappointing, bad person, unreliable etc. So after this non sense thing he is still trying to make up for this by giving his brother and father and enormous amount of money and letting him living with us… obviously if it wasn’t hard enough, young, new relationship, moving together, baby, money etc. then his father thing… our relationship used to be almost perfect and now it’s just bad. I talked to his brother’s wife and she said that earlier the father lived with them and that’s why they used to fight a lot, and I just feel like our relationship has been poisoned too. His mother unfortunately passed away, they were very close and since then I think he’s broken and when I try to talk to him about feelings or opening up to me he says that he keeps distance with everyone because he doesn’t trust anyone, but he added:but I trust you (oh so that’s why you keep distance and secrets???) There was only one magical moment the other night when he opened up and then we had the most beautiful days of our relationship, he was so loving and caring. Sometimes I talk to him and he’s not even hearing me but we have a wonderful boy I think it would be worth to work for us. Also I wrote here cause I have a secret I never told him but maybe that makes me a toxic “person”???? Basically my father sexually abused me for 7 years then after 20 years of marriage he told my mom he never loved her and left all of us without a word, obviously that makes it quite hard to trust anyone especially men. I told it three men all my life one is my brother he’s fine the other two one said I deserved it and he would have done the same (previously he wanted to marry me…would have been an interesting marriage I thing. The other guy said I didn’t know what I was talking about and I must have been drugged or dreaming. So after these results I guess I’ll keep it for myself.
You know everyone loves him, including me, he’s nice and hard-working I just have no idea how to solve both of our trust issues. Do you have any idea for me/us?
Thank you for being here for all of us Matt xx
I am a college student planning on applying to medical school in the next year. The last guy I dated ended things because he told me he didn’t want to be fighting for attention from my career, that I would be unable to have a successful family in the future due to my career, and that my career would marginalize him. I was so angry and hurt when I heard all of this. I am not giving up my dream just for a guy. It’s really nice to know that Matt defines this as toxic behavior. I’m so glad I moved on, I am now dating a guy who admires how driven I am, instead of seeing it as a negative.
Wonderful summary, Matt. You are RIGHT on the money, as usual. Am 50 year old woman who broke off a five month old romance for these very issues you describe. Even with the “wisdom of my years”, it was difficult to pack up my heart and go. The guy was terribly sexy;), and so I started excusing his toxic behaviors. For anyone else who may be thinking it is difficult to pack and go, I can tell you it is way easier than staying. I am crazy proud of myself now for getting smart enough to go. It is the spring in my step these days. It puts a smile on my face every time I think of the bullet I dodged, and such liberation will do the same for you:))).
waoo, thank you Matt and after reading the comments below, we have all been there ! All of us have to really really get clear and understand ourselves first before diving into relationships because these toxic people, some of them can be very skilful at manipulating people to serve their needs. Lots of patterns and red flags are to be watched out for ! So sad how we want to open up to possibilities of love and great romance yet at times face or go through certain relationships. How can we balance the two? staying open and being cautious..
This video has described every characteristic of the guy I have been in a relationship with for 3 months. I felt like you were directly talking to me!
The worst part is self-doubt due to the deceptiveness. He would always use the excuse “i don’t understand you” and I thought, i didn’t understand him – his behaviour such as the 5 points you list above were due to misunderstandings or compatibility issues.
I always had the gut feeling it was manipulation and control but I couldn’t put my finger on it until I had enough “evidence”. (And lastly this video).
I was always doomed. It was always “guilty until proven innocent” for me.
It’s a much more broad ranging personality/toxic trait than I realised. Which has given me the final evidence I need to run from this person. I can’t live my life in misery and give up on my own life goals, even though in the short term, this breakup feels like torture.
Thankyou.
Oh Matthew!! You explained my ex-husband. I dated him 6 years-from my last year of high school , through college and one year after. Then we were married 17 years. He was so toxic!! He also was an alcoholic. He did get sober, but then went crazy bipolar. By the time we divorced I couldn’t do much more than work and take care of our 3 children( alone and without financial support for the most part). They grew up fine people and all got college degrees. I finally retired after teaching 32 years. Now they have moved out on their own and I have my time for myself. Sorry to be so long-winded, but I thought you needed my background. I often wonder how I ever got involved with my ex. He destroyed me. I have little confidence, even though I’ve accomplished quite a bit. I dwell on my physical appearance now that I’m aging, feeling like I can’t compete with younger women. I’m 61 and it seems the men around my age all want women 10 years younger. If I go out with someone I think is great, I expect him to not like me. I self-sabatoge! I loved my father , and he loved me and was good to me, as long as I did what he expected. He was a very handsome and charming young man, but could be terrible too. He would have anger outbursts which kept everyone on their toes trying to do what he wanted. He criticized and belittled my mother terribly. She was a very well-respected nurse, attractive and well-liked person, but she had no confidence. He treated her in a way that made her feel incompetent. I believe the fact that she stayed with him and how it affected her was my role model. The way I was treated seemed normal to me. My ex was very charming as well. When he treated me badly, he always flipped things around to be my fault. He would criticize me by making it appear to be a joke. He never got his college degree, so I felt it was wrong to even go to my graduation ceremonies for my undergrad degree or my masters degree. There was lots more, but these are the exact behaviors you describe! If only you had been there when I was young and I could have heard this then!!! It’s so wonderful for young women to have the benefit of your wonderful advice. My daughter is 26 and single. I am going to be sure she hears it. Thank you so much!!
Why is it always about helping the person, who’s dating a toxic person? There is a whole bunch of stuff on the Internet to help someone get out of psychologically abusing relationship/toxic relationship.
I’ve realized recently that..plainly said, I’m a toxic person. I’m a great manipulator. But not a great evil. I fall in love and really mean the best. I’m really trying. But then it all comes out as you say. I feel hurt and strangled in the relationships. Another great one just fell apart and I see, how I’m being a toxicity. But now what? To realize it is painful, but it’s just one thing. There is really not that much about helping the abuser stop destroying their life and people. There is so much information on “how to get out”. But, really?
What about the other side? I don’t want to hurt anyone on purpose.
I’m watching your videos for a long time, you always give a great advice.
I can’t promise this will work for you, but I can tell you what has helped me. I haven’t always been toxic. We are not born that way we become toxic. There are several reasons someone becomes toxic and for each person the reason is different. Our parents teach us how to handle emotions and relationships and if their relationship or relationships are toxic chances are ours will be too. Some other factors that can create a toxic person are long term emtional or physical abuse, long term toxic relationships, mental illness, head injury, low self worth, etc. There are many factors that caused mine and once I pin pointed them it took me 3 years to detoxify myself to the point where I am now. I now feel ready to start dating again, scared, but ready.
I evaluated my life and the people in it and removed all the toxic people I could from my life, I stayed single while I worked on fixing me, only friendships and those that didn’t understand and pushed for more I removed from my life. I decide everyday not to be like my parents and I remind myself I do not want my child to go through the same. I meditate, I focus on my happiness first then my childs. I don’t listen when others put me down. I remind myself I am a good person, a loving mother, a loyal friend and lover, I am a hard worker,and I just try to remind myself of what I am and try not to dwell on what I am not, even if it is just to defend myself and say I’m not a whore or I’m not a bad mom or anything else my mother has called me. I try to keep it positive and just tell myself what I am. I also have to remind myself not to be negative in general about anything and remember to find something positive in everything like I use to. I set realistic daily goals of where I want to b. on detoxifing myself, like yesterday I wanted to get through the day without yelling, today without agruements. I also have to remind myself not to dwell on the past (good or bad) and if I need to calmdown and vent I vent then done and move on. I don’t turn it into a bitchfest and I don’t dwell. Why not the good either, because remebering how good things use to be can depress you and you start beating yourself up, then others, then comes the blaming and none of it will make you happy and you’ll feel worse than before. Thinking back and saying oh that was so fun maybe or using it as a reference point to get back to is okay, but not to compare (that was good this is bad) and wish it was like that again. I focus and try very hard not to yell and have to remind myself being louder will not make anyone listen to me, it won’t change their mind about me and it won’t make me more right if I’m wrong. I still slip into old habits of yelling back because it is easy to forget what you are working hard to change when someone is screaming in your face, constantly negative and putting you downand it’s easier. I make an effort everyday not to fight back and how I know I am getting better is because when I started getting yelled last night and told I was a liar and an idiot by my mother, after a good day out with her, over a dish I put in a dishwasher I just walked away and let her calm down. I didn’t fight back, I didn’t defend myself, I just said okay and calmly grabbed my daughter and walked away and it didn’t even take that much effort nor did I even think about it. For the first time in a long time I just walked away and I wasn’t even angry. If it is mental illness that causes you to be toxic you’ll need medication to help regulate your body. Once your body is at peace you’ll be more at peace, you’ll still have to work to change habits and the way of thinkibg you’ve developed over the years, but it will be easier. Even if you don’t need medication you may need counseling to help. I’m thinking of going to see someone to learn more coping techniques and how to better communicate.
Sorry this is ssoooooooo long, but I hope it helps you and I hope you have a good day.
Pixie,
Thank you so much for answering! It’s such a gasp of fresh air to hear from someone, who is really dealing with the same problem that I have! You are so right, and I’m finding a lot of similarities in the way you describe your story.
I’ve put a lot of thought into all of it and realized, that while facing a conflict I do in fact act the same way as my parents, especially my mom used to when I was younger (and basically, all this time until very recently, until she quit her stressful job she had all those years). My parents have always been autocratic and very controlling. They were punishing me by ignoring me completely or by hitting me with a belt as well. I see it now, how in all of my relationships I’ve been so scared from the very beginning: scared of being attached to a person, that might end up treating me badly, So I stroke first, but did as well cling to the person ’til the very end. I used to do all what Matt described in this video, but it just kept hurting me as well in the process.
I definitely need to stop dating for some time and just enjoy the various non-dating relationships I can have with people and take time to figure things out for me. I was trying to hide from all of my insecurities in these relationships, I wanted to find someone I can safely love and them to love me, without loving myself first and being okay with just the company of me.
Luckily, I believe I don’t have any mental illnesses :) I’ve been to a therapist last year when me and my ex fiance hit a rough patch and cancelled the wedding. I was in a severe depression for about 6 months.
After we broke up a couple of months ago after a year of “working on the issues”, I’ve realized a lot of things and don’t really want to go to therapy because I feel like I need to reconnect with myself and learn to trust myself and what I want, cause the paralizing fear I felt after a breakup was too much of a red flag for me, but I’m not depressed this time. I’m working on it every single day now, because I really want to learn what being myself is like and to love every single bit of me.
I hope this can help someone else out there with a similar situation! :)
Eistaa,
I’m glad to hear that you are taking time to find you again. I’m sorry to hear that you two were not able to work things out, but maybe it is for the best. Who knows once you are able to love yourself maybe you’ll find the perfect love for you.
I know it’s not easy, but I hope you find the person you want to be. Before my head injury flipped my world on end I was happy. I still had my parents voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough, but being the stuborn and optimistic person that I was instead of letting it get me down or angery I would use it to motivate me to be better and to do better. Sadly our parents voices as young children end up being our inner voices as adults and it can either tear us down or make us stronger. How we use it is up to us.
You may have to work harder because you have to switch our inner voice from never good enough to is that a challange to I AM good enough, but eventually you won’t have to work at it anymore.
While you are looking for yourself and learning to love you remember you are only human and all humans have flaws so you don’t have to love everything about you. Love doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You should accept and respect every part of you, but you don’t have to love it. If we loved every part of ourselves we would never be motivated to push ourselves to be better. Just accept that you are not where you want to be and work to change it without getting down on yourself like the inner voice. I know much easier said than done. Three years easier said than done, haha. But in all seriousness once you can do that you’ll have a better chance at loving you and you’ll be better at loving someone else too, because you’ll be able to accept your humanity and theirs.
Good Luck and don’t forget your smile.
I was wondering can a person be toxic to one person and not to another?
OH MY, JUST WATCHED YOUR VIDEO ON TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AND I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT I WAS HEARING —————–
YOU WERE DESCRIBING MY LAST RELATIONSHIP !!!
I PUT UP WITH THAT SITUATION FOR 3 yrs ON AND OFF
I SIMPLY DIDNT KNOW THAT THERE WAS PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ACT LIKE THAT ! I HAVE BEEN IN DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP IN MY LIFE, SOME GOOD, SOME NOT SO GOOD BUT NEVER HAS THIS SITUATION SO THEREFORE HAD NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE IT
I BLAMED MYSELF, OR TOOK THE BLAME I WAS ALWAYS ACCUSED OF EACH AND EVERY TIME ‘A SITUATION AROSE’!!!!!
I ONLY WISH ID FOUND YOUR VIDEO WHILE I WAS TRYING TO TEAR MYSELF AWAY
{each and every time i said i couldnt take any more of the guilt and blamein that i was such a bad person, and whenever he told me that i was such a bad person and had so many issues.
I was always the one saying sorry, sorry, sorry, then when id get away he would cry down the phone saying he was heartbroken, but like you say in your video, never say it was his fault or sorry , never, ever}
WE DIDNT LIVE TOGETHER BECAUSE EVERY TIME WE GOT TO ALMOST MAKING THAT COMMITMENT HE BACKED OFF
I HAVE HAD SEVERAL OCCASIONS WHERE I YEARNED FOR HIS APPROVAL BUT WAS IGNORED.
I ALWAYS FELT IT WAS MY FAULT IN THAT I WAS ASKING FOR TOO MUCH OR MAKING TOO MUCH OF A FUSS OVER NOTHING SO ID ACCEPT IT.
I EVEN MOVED CITIES TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL CAUSE I WAS SO .
‘ALL CONSUMED’ BY THIS MAN, AND YOU KNOW WHAT — IN ALL THE RELATIIONSHIOS IVE HAD IN MY LIFE THIS WAS THE ONLY MAN I COULD HONESTLY SAY WAS THE ONE I WAS TRULY IN LOVE WITH —
HE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER WISHED FOR , HANDSOME, IMMECULATLY DRESSED, ARTICULATE, SUCCESSFUL CAREER.
HE REFUSED TO NEVER DISCUSS HIS PAST, I WAS ALWAYS MAKE TO FEEL IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ‘OUR RELATIONSHIP’ HED ALWAYS SAY ‘THATS ALL IN THE PAST’
I ALWAYS FELT I NEEDED TO KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT HIS PAST TO GET FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK
HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME EVERYDAY, BUT IT WAS ‘ SAYING YOU LOVED ME BUT NOT SHOWING YOU LOVE ME’
HOW CAN YOU FEEL LOVED WHEN YOUR ALWAYS WRONG IN SOMEONES EYES
I FELT IF I COULD HAVE GOT TO KNOW HIM A LITTLE BETTER I COULD HAVE MADE THINGS BETTER BUT HE NEVER EVER OPENED UP TO ME IN THE 3 YEARS I SPENT WITH HIM
WELL IF IM THE ONLY ONE YOU HAVE GIVEN ANSWERS TO THIS DAY THEN YOU JOB IS SO WELL WORTH WHILE
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAYBE I CAN START TO MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL NOW
I WILL WATCH YOUR VIDEO OVER AND OVER WHENEVER I NEED REASSURANCE THAT IM NOT THE BAD PERSON I WAS MAKE TO FEEL I WAS
KIND REGARDS
Liz
Great video. As I was listening, I was thinking of so many relationships I’ve been in. One in particular that came to mind, you described this person to a T. I remember looking in the mirror one day and not even recognizing the person looking back. I had allowed this person to erode away my self esteem to the point that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I’m happy to say that relationship ended & I’m back to that strong, independent person I used to be. Thanks for another great video Matt!!
So if you have someone that is in a toxic relationship how to you help them to get out of it? As you stated they can make you feel horrible and then they show you love which I think almost gives the person hope that maybe he or she will change and become better.
I actually cried out loud when I listened to this video. This whole time I thought it was something I was doing or wasn’t doing enough. When I did nothing but support our 3 year relationship, raise our 14 month old daughter, cooked, cleaned and showed him intimacy I still felt like he was expecting more. Matthew I’m so glad I came across your videos and have taken a lot from them. This video just help me see how toxic my relationship was with him and to not let him manipulate me again.
Thank you,
Tara
Wow! This describes my (ex) marriage so well! I only wish I heard about it 20 years ago. However, it is still very good to hear. It states clearly how I can stay away from a toxic relationship in future. Thank you Mat!
Great vid Matthew. Okay so note to self: their only goal in arguing is to inflict damage and not solve any problems.
wow. Incredible value given out in this video! I spent 3 years in a toxic, damaging/ life threatening relationship- you describe those key signs in such a relational easy to understand way. Thank you Matthew
Hi Matt!
I appreciated this video, however, I felt like the ‘toxic’ person you were describing was myself. I’m wondering… where do I start with that knowledge??
I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced ALL of these with my guy. Uh oh.
Great information.
This is so much the person my ex is.
I spent 20 yrs with him.
I learned a lot, but also suffered a lot, as well as our children.