There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.
They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.
I’m not going to let that happen to you.
In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…
Thank you so much for this. It is upsetting but also revelatory. I was initially thinking about the relationship I just left (which I can see in hindsight was even more toxic than I realized at the time) but was stunned to consider how much this describes my upbringing. I think since I was raised by toxic people it has taken me a long time to “un-learn” the treatment I mistook for love, and I’ve been through several toxic relationships (romantic, friendship, business) blaming myself harshly when it seems I was “trained” to see this kind of exchange as normal. I so love the sentiment “proximity is power” as I am now actively participating in recovery groups, and this has helped immensely to support a much healthier relationship dynamic. Thank you for these messages which are my little boosters of healing!
Thanks, Mat – as important a topic in the online dating age, as when I experienced it first hand in the late 80s. I’m in healthy space now, but wasn’t always. My first love profiled as a malignant narcissist. He so badly manipulated my every frame of reference I am only now, many years on, getting to the bottom of his biggest life lie to me (that he was engaged/dumped/in recovery, the entire time he ‘dated’ me). Everyone’s known this truth, but me, for many years. I think initially he got away with ‘Pam and I are just friends’ and then later on ‘Pam knows and she’s OK with it’. This second lie allowed him to get away with a LOT!! Especially with his family. No one’s gonna cue you in if they think you ‘already know’ and that you’re ‘ok with it’. You sense their disgust, but have no clue as to where their feelings are coming from towards you. You become further isolated as they think you’re as big a loser as he is a liar. They never conclude that he’s lying to them about what & when you ‘knew’ anything. Do I feel stupid and humiliated – yes and no. Of course most think ‘how could you not know’? Well, love’s blind, and since the truth revealed itself to me (I followed up on an oh-so-smoothly delivered sadistic ‘hint’ when I was unfortunate enough to be ‘found’ by him online recently) My subconscious has coughed up a couple of long forgotten instances I chose to deny, probably to protect myself from unbearable pain (I was young). And no, I don’t feel stupid as all the literature on the narcissist/victim template explains how the victim comes to be brainwashed – and it doesn’t, as you said, matter how strong your frame of reference is, anyone can be brainwashed by a sociopath. This guy would pass a lie detector test – he has told me he never thought he did anything wrong with women. And I believe him, as I can see clearly he believes this lie he tells himself! Dozens of people knew the truth about how badly I had been deceived, manipulated, used and discarded, the whole time and were either manipulated, deceived or coerced into keeping it from me. Now that I know the truth I can see why people never wanted to talk about him with me after he moved away (and married very quickly) or touch it with a 10 foot pole. I can honestly say the most courageous thing I’ve been able to do is face the truth behind all my fear and confusion about that time in my life that made no sense to me for over two decades. I am more free and joy filled with each passing day having stepped out from the shadow of that mystery and the shadow of my own fear about finding out the truth. Keep up the good work, Mat – I forward your posts to my dating age daughters as I want them to have the healthy template for dating I never did! Hugs!
Matthew, these are all very excellent signs to watch out for. What it all boils down to is someone who hasn’t taken the time to heal their own securities, believe in themselves, and stand alone in their own strength. These are also the outward signs of an addict. I know because I became involved with an alcoholic at one point in my life. The only difference with that scenario is that there is another “love” in the equation, and you’ll never be first. The bottom line is, you can’t look to another person to validate you 100%, and you absolutely can’t be the thing that validates another person. Move on.
Wow Matthew your video on toxic people was bang on for me! I left my husband of 24 years 5 years ago &still feeling guilty for doing so. I even let him keep most of our money. Now he lives in luxury telling me about his latest conquests & I struggle. This has opened my eyes, albeit too late, at least now I can stop feeling guilty! Thank you!
Whoa!
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa and whoa. I have been following you and your brother’s work for awhile now, but I feel this is THE best advice you’ve given. What power you just handed me!
I was married for nearly 20 years to a man who made me feel like I was crazy. Everyone always wants to know why I got divorced. I don’t have an easy one-liner answer. Now I do, and it’s only one word: toxic. Finally, some sense.
I want to meet someone new but have been terrified that I will hook up with another just like him. I feel like your concise questions and examples can serve as a reality check for me. (Your brother’s narcissist article complements this video perfectly. You two are spot on.)
Thank you both for your work.
Stronger by the day,
Lori
Exactly what Lori said!!! This is the power women need. Many know how to attract the guy but we need to know when to ditch the wrong ones!!!!
This was right on point. Great stuff
Thank you for this video. it really hit home with me and pointed all the things wrong with my past relationship. I find the hard part is allowing yourself to see these things while in the relationship. I’m looking forward to hear more about what you have to say during the retreat.
Look forward every Sunday to hearing from you Matt. The blame game almost destroyed me. How is it possible to actually believe that one person is responsible for the problems in a relationship. Believing that and feeling the burden to fix it all is something no one should carry!
This video is about my ex husband. Wow.
Thank you, Matthew.
I have a question – do you think this is specific to certain countries/cultures more than others, or do you think this is true across the board. Some of the signs sound to me like they are really foreign. Thank you.
This is great!! You break it down a really complex topic, very well!!
Thank you!!!
Story of my life…so true.
This happened to me with my ex partner and then he started the same thing with my son and I knew it was definitely time to get out then. He wasn’t a bad man, just a control freak!
Thanks Deb – same here. What I couldn’t do for myself I was finally able to do for my son. I just hope the damage isn’t too long-lasting. Best of luck to you.
This is so my ex husband. Sad thing is my girls talk to me about these same issues with their Dad. I could escape it but they can’t yet.
Others can’t heal you. You can’t heal yourself. Only Jesus can heal you.
Dear Mat,
Thank you for your enlightening video! I agree that toxic people exist with the characteristics that you described, I had been in a relationship that my partner was toxic, but the thing is that why are we accept to stay in a relationship when the person is toxic? why the same person is happy and a king with some other woman? My answer is when I as a woman accept to be a victim it results in me staying and living a toxic life with toxic people. I read more than 1000 comments under this video post about women talking about toxic partners, but the thing is if there are really so many toxic men in this world how can I trust men? My point is that we let men become toxic around us when we are playing the victim rule.
Ariel, I think people like this can only feel comfortable with someone who is equally insecure but in a non-controlling way. Or, they might like someone they perceive as always loving and affirming — but if they find out that person actually has self-esteem and boundaries, they will resent it and start to act up.
Matthew,
Thank you for this most informative and helpful video! These signs can be used in all relationships. I have had a myriad of experiences with toxic people. I also now know, thanks to your sage wisdom, how not to be a toxic person as well!
Thank you!
Matthew, I watched this video and printed out the Narcissist article your brother wrote. Thank you both! I ended a 14 year relationship with a narcissist. I can’t believe it took me that long to see it, understand it and get out of it. It’s been 7 months and I am starting to find the real me again. A bit of advice for others is to never go back to that person. They work really hard at trying to get you back, charm, seemingly loving etc. it’s all smoke and mirrors. They are really like vampires needing their fix and once they have you again, they will have the Proximity of Power and you will not be yourself! One other tidbit on narcissism I discovered and also read about is that many cheat on their partners. Toxic in all ways!!
Hi Matt!
Thank you for this video. It really struck a chord with me as I have someone in my family who behaves exactly like this and it is unfortunately impacting the whole family. My sisters and I have spoken this person to talk about their behaviour and how we were concerned about them but we received an aggressive and strangely aloof reply that left us tired, miserable and tearful.
Sometimes it feels like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
What can I do to help ease this undercurrent of aggressiveness and spitefulness in the family? I’m quite a sensitive person (which I see as kind of a double edge sword – helps me in my artistic career but makes me easy pickings in conflict) and I loathe arguments. What tactics can I use so I don’t get swept up in my own emotion and take their comments too personally.
You’re totally right in saying that we’re all damaged goods and I know I too have a lot flaws to work on. I really love this person and don’t want this bad vibe in my family anymore.
Cheers,
Hannah
Thanks Matt. I’ve heard other “toxic” lists before but yours resonated much more. Your examples were exactly what I experienced. It’s amazing how long it takes to heal from this and get yourself back. They are tricky folks though! He still knows how to push my buttons a year and half later. I need garlic or something to repel him. Please come up with the Toxic-person repellant for us. :)