There are many dangerous qualities of a toxic person, but the worst one of all may be their deceptiveness.
They can be so subtle in their manipulation, you may not even realize what they’re doing to you, until you’re in too deep and they’ve completely eroded your confidence.
I’m not going to let that happen to you.
In today’s video, I take you through the 5 signs you’re dating a toxic person so you know exactly what to watch out for…
I love what you do! The advice you give is Invaluable and I can feel the genuineness and honesty. I’m homeless and can not afford your progrms but these free clips are so important to me. I became homeless by falling in love with a toxic man and i gave too much and he left me. I don’t think i have anything to offer a relationship at time but I do one day want a loving partner and husband and father figure for my small son. Thank you Matthew your like a glimps of hope
Hang in there, Fatima. I hope things will start going better for you soon!! You can get out of that situation, I just know it.
Hii Matt,
Thanks for this video because now I knew so much about why a person behave in such a way and definitely this will help me in my future relationship..It really open my eyes and my mind when you said that people come with “stretchy goods” when they enter into a relationship and we all are human and not perfect…That I will keep in mind when there are challenging time during any relationship..Thanks Matt
Dear Matthew,
I have really loved your video. I agree with you on these points. These things mark a toxic person. I only wonder, if there are less toxic points that a person shows: Will we still say that he is toxic or all five are needed? It may sound a silly question but I am not as daft as I may sound asking you this. Thanks for your reply in advance.Best regards Klári
Matt, you are a god send for me. I’ve been married 33 years. I had a terrible auto accident 9 years ago. I suffered a brain injury, lost my career of 23 years and my husband has become abusive and all the toxic points you hit on is exactly what he does. I have no financial way to survive or leave this relationship and take my 2 daughters. But listening to you gives me peace and hope for the future. I have been suicidal many times and I just to hold on day to day but you have so much wisdom. That even though I can’t change my situation you make me realize I’m damaged not stupid. I’m hoping to raise my daughters and get them away from him even though I cannot leave myself. They are 20-and 22 and have endured his abuse and watched me being abused for years. The day will come where they will be safe. I will then know that what ever he does to me they no longer have to watch. Thank you for making me see that even though my situation may be hopeless. That I’m not damaged goods, and I am worthy of love. You are amazing!
Thank you so much for this video. I wish I could see something like that few weeks ago but at least I can stop beating myself about my failed relationship. I just can’t believe I didn’t realise how badly I was manipulated.
Thanks again for the eye opener:)
Hi, Matthew !
First, I want to say: ”Thank you.” For ALL of this. Putting SO much effort to help other people. Thank you so much ! I approcciate it. You have given help to me with your insight and experience and because your words have an influence in how I think and how I am starting to see people and relationships ( which have improved )I am sure your motives are sincere and I am thankful. People need someone like you. You really want to help and you do it well. :)
Your thoughts about reckognizing a toxic person… It actually pained me to realize that I have been surrounded with those kind of people. People who have destroyed my confindence, belief in myself and left me feeling worthless. And some people that I feel I am closest to are actually making me feel bad about myself, like you said, they don’t celebrate my success and somehow I am ALWAYS the one who is GUILTY. Even though I sometimes feel it is very unfair. I am ALWAYS the one who is apologizing, but they never apologize to me if they hurt me- they DO get defensive ! And they never do anything wrong. I am the only one who sees the problem, I am overreacting. At least that is how they see things.
But I do have a story. I dated one guy for 4 years. And because what he did to me, it took me.. 3 years to get back in my feet, I am actually still trying to put it behind me. I don’t want him to control my life anymore, more over, his ghost to have power over me. One thing I want you to understand is that I don’t see myself as a victim. I just want to move on.
Everything started good as usual, in love and etc. But after 6 months I dumped him, then after 3 months I still wanted him back and I asked him if we could start over. He replied? ” yes, but I have a condition. You have to sleep with me.” Okay. I was 15 and stupid. So I did it, by the end of the month. Time went on.. One thing I noticed was that he never asked me to hang out with his friends, riiight til the end! When we argued, or if I said anything he got very defensive so eventually I just stopped talking, saying things. He was very manipulative. He talked me into doing things that got me into trouble with my violent parents. And he knew that. Once he even cried in front of me when we argued. After two years, he dumped me, but he still had a hold of me. Dragged me on.. So I stayed, but we were really never officialy a couple anymore. I got pregnant, i had to make an abortion, which wasn’t my choice. One time at the very end of our relationship he got violent. Never apologized, he never even once told me he loved me. I get so angry writing this ! I can’t count all of these things he did or how he said .. One thing he also did was that everytime I told him about my plans, he absolutely smashed it. Or when I wanted to spend a night with my best girlfriend, he got so offended and accused me with not loving him and I do this at the time that he needs me so much and I am heartless.
Eventually I got out of it, when he moved to another city and found another. Oh, and he was and I am pretty sure that he still is, very ossessed with his goals. He is very narcisistico :)
When it ended I tried to commit suicide, I never finished high school. I don’t think that there is anyone to blame, really.. All I know is that I was defeated, wounded. Hated men for a while. Not all are like him of course, I just couldn’t see clearly during that time when I was in agony.
And now.. I have toxic people around me, I know I deserve better, but I don’t have the courage to leave then behind, or I don’t want to hurt them.
This post got me thinking about the quality I should have in my life. Those people are dragging it down.
Holy hell Batman! My mind is blown right now Matt. I’ve been divorced for a little over two years now and each and every one of the five signs you mentioned described something I experienced in that relationship. Signs # 4 and 5 particularly. I always wondered how my ex could be so verbally/emotionally abusive toward me, then turn around and pick up the pieces with charismatic charm and concern as soon as he brought me to tears. Now I get it. The more I watch your videos, and after seeing you live, I realize how much that wound hasn’t healed and how much I owe it to myself to attend your high value retreat this June. I’ve tried conventional therapy, meditation, soul searching, pretty much remaining single since my divorce so I can work on my emotional “stuff”. It seems all that my efforts have done is place a bandage on a wound that needs intensive care. My self worth and confidence were completely broken down over the course of nearly ten years of being with a toxic person. I look forward to the retreat, I’m eager to make changes toward my long term goals, goals that were hindered because my success made my ex feel insecure–which in turn was taken out on me. This is a powerful video post Matthew, thank you so much for sharing! :)
It is amazing how on point you are about this. I have experienced these same scenarios with my ex husband that I have two children with. I still have to deal with him because of them but it is hard. Any suggestions for that situation and tips for how to truly be able to welcome the opportunity for me to even want a new relationship? Because of my past relationships, I don’t trust my own judgment anymore and this in turn creates this vibe that is a true man repellent. How to do move from this place to one of attracting the right type of guys is something that I have not been able to understand.
Thanks =)
Nik,
I felt compelled to write a reply to you as a mother and a survivor of an abusive relationship. It is normal for you to feel this way after leaving an abusive relationship. Let’s name the gremlins that toxicity stems from-insecurity, power imbalance, a need for control. Toxicity is abuse and it is common in all types of relationships.
The fact that you wrote on this blog tells me that you are practicing self awareness (I am afraid to date, I don’t trust myself), which is a great start to healing. You feel this way because of your past relationships and haven’t found yourself yet-but you will. It may take time, but you will. What has helped me heal and I am still healing….are attending counselling that is specific to domestic violence as there is a lot of misinformation out there and if you get counselling from someone who doesn’t understand abuse it will make you feel revictimized and halt your healing. I have also asked for constructive feedback from my family and close friends- but beware as some people will blame you for what has happened and for how you feel so choose wisely who you decide to ask but ask someone who you can trust and who will be honest and not judgemental. Start reading….
It’s hard with kids- but you have to do something if you are serious about your healing. Books that have helped me include: the emotionally abused women by Beverly Engel which makes you reflect on your life and find out who the abusive people are in your life and how to reclaim yourself. For my kids, I read when dad hurts mom, helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse (this is ALL types of abuse) by Lundy Bancroft. The dance of anger by Harriet Lerner which focuses on women’s anger in today’s society and why we don’t express it or feel like we can’t express our anger; this will teach you how to express anger in a healthy way. My favorite was by Brene Brown….Daring Greatly which focuses on our barriers to being vulnerable both personal and societal and how to overcome them so we can have the relationships we want in life. Practicing gratitude is huge. Giving thanks to something everyday no matter how big or small. For instance, I am thankful for this post by Matt which discusses abusive people as this brings awareness to it.
My children attend art therapy and it has helped them enormously to express how they feel about how their dad treats me. Make sure that your kids have a positive male role model in their lives so they can see by example how you should be treated and if you have a son, how they should treat their partner, if you have a daughter, how she should be treated. This can be a grandparent, an uncle, a friend and eventually will be your own partner. As your children grow they will learn for themselves from you their own respect so don’t underestimate the power of yourself as a mother.
Lastly, it is only when we respect ourselves that we will meet the right people. When we are in abusive relationships we lose our respect for ourselves because that’s what abusive people want-control. What better way to control someone than to beat them down so they have no self confidence left.
Don’t doubt yourself, don’t doubt your self worth, be strong, cry when you need to, make time for yourself, practice gratitude and you will attract the man you deserve.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me Survivor. I tried counseling when I was pregnant with our second child. I didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere because she was only saying things like I am a great person and she didn’t see why I had been through all of the things that I had. I just wanted to scream: Lady I don’t either that is why I came here! I guess if I try again I will try to choose better. By no means do I think I am perfect but I try to respect everyone and I have genuine love in my heart for people but I attract situations and people that take me for granted and then when I remove myself it is then that they are sorry and wish I was back being close with them. This has happened in friendships and relationships alike and I am just tired at this point. I agree with you that my girls need to see a healthy relationship if I am going to engage in one it’s just I don’t even know how to get to that place where I trust anyone with my heart let alone theirs. I am stuck between wanting and not wanting to even try, a vicious cycle that is frustrating. It is only human to want to be close to someone and for three years I have denied wanting this very thing but it never goes away. I will try the books you mentioned because I love to read. My oldest remembers the issues and she understands why we can no longer be with their Dad but my baby was almost two when I left so she is wanting the family she doesn’t remember having. By far this is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do and I believe it was the right choice, but emotionally I am such a mess. Not the can’t function beyond getting out of bed type but I am so cold and distant, much different than who I would like to be, or even who I used to be. I want to move past this, truly I do.
Nik, I have been where you are emotionally. Look for a source of strength in your faith or in your inner qualities. Then you’ll be able to stay steady no matter what reaction you get from other people. You are cold and detached now because you need affirmation and love from other people, and you are in a sensitive place where if you don’t get that, you will collapse. Become the source of strength and love; treat people with warmth and at minimum courtesy no matter what happens — and you will be OK. You will be able to set healthy boundaries because you won’t need so much from other people that you let them walk over your lines. Another idea – make a checklist of things that would be red flags for you in future relationships (of any kind). Pull it out when you start a new relationship and start keeping track of the danger signals. Make a commitment to yourself that you will not stay around people who do those things… because you are a good person with a lot to give who should be in relationships with other good people.
Hi Matt,
Great video! I wish I had this years ago. Was in this kind if relationship for two years. Finally left the relationship battered and bruised (emotionally) took a long time to get my confidence back. Your book helped! Started dating this “amazing” man…so I thought. He turned out to be a huge con artist and the year I spent with him was a total lie! (If you remember a guy J.S from Canada that’s him!). So there is definitely 2 kinds of “toxic” the first one the signs are a little more obvious. How do you avoid the “con artist”?
Anyways, I really wish I could have talked you you more when you were in Toronto and Winnipeg! Keep up the good work!
Alexis
Matt,
You are amazing.
I now know my ex fiancé was toxic.
I have been single for 5 yrs now. Find it hard to trust again after a roller coaster of a relationship. He came into my life as I was recovering from a serious car accident. We were work colleagues at the time. He looked after me and to his credit probably helped me recover quicker. I had to leave my job and he supported me initially as he knew I would be due compensation. He pushed for marriage but my gut kept telling me no.
Point 5 was really a WOW! I can really relate to this….As I grew stronger I signed up for a college course as I decided on a change of career. He was not happy about this. Anything constructive he tried to dissuade me from doing. Kept saying I wasn’t strong enough. As soon as I signed up for the college course, our relationship came to an end. I suspected latterly that he was having an affair with a work colleague which he denied continuously. It all came out 3 months after we broke up that he had been seeing her. She ended a marriage for him. Good luck to her!
On reflection I realise he manipulated me totally. He zoomed in when I was vulnerable and kept me pretty much a victim or the accident and if his manipulative ways. I realise now what a manipulator he was but I also know he was, thankfully I grew stronger and stronger after we went our separate ways.
I often wonder if he was a bit of a narcissist too? I guess most toxic people are?
Keep up the fab work Matt
Love and hugs
J xx
Your book was so good I bought copies for my friends
Number 2 really reasonated with me. I have been trying to work things out with my ex, giving his space, doing all the right things that would show I respect his choices and want to be a team player, but the nicer or more easy going I am about things, the meaner and more of an advantage he takes. The nail in the coffin for me was his complete lack of regard for my feelings and I did exactly what you said, I agonized on how to express my thoughts about a certain thing and his behavior and tried to give solutions to the problem, and he always says that I attack him. He immediately meets me with aggression, and the last “conversation” we had, I remember saying, “please work with me on a solution, where can we compromise, I’m willing to make concessions, but there needs to be a mutual respect.” It seems as though the more I try to resolve an issue, the more he fights it, almost for the sake of fighting it. He will push and push until he gets a reaction. So, I have come to the point where I am disengaging and only doing the bare minimum in communication, only because we share a baby and I am not a complete b#%^*. My therapist has worked with both of us and is convinced that he is a narcissist. >.< this confirmation was helpful.
Hi Koto, I had the same situation with an ex-boyfriend. the more I tried to rationalize and work with him the worse it got. Others would say have you told him so and so, but I had learned I could not bring things up, because it would always come back to bite me. He wouldn’t show upset at the moment. He’d act like he was very open to a discussion, but about a week or two down the road he would set out to get revenge. It was impossible to have a logical discussion, he would always project it back onto me. One time I told him how I felt like I was walking on egg shells and he came back with he felt he was walking on egg shells. We never got to find solutions to whatever I brought up, because anytime I said anything he made such a big deal about how hurt he was and he’d then distance himself. I totally lost my voice in the relationship. What is shocking to me is how many people have been hurt by people like this. I’m so glad I’ve learned the signs and know what to look for now to have a healthy, truly loving relationship.
Thank you so much for this video. The whole time I watched my jaw was on the floor. This is exactly what I have been going through and I knew from the first date but I thought it was in my head and that the person just needed someone who was patient. They broke me down in a matter of months and I saw it coming. Thank you so much Matthew for making it so plain for me. I love you!
You have just described my ex husband to a tee – wish I had seen your stuff years earlier. I am only just starting to get my confidence and self belief back.
Thank you Matt. I just gave up a 3 1/2 year relationship thinking I could ‘love’ my boyfriend out of his victim mentality. But people have to want to change. Your example of people picking fights over something silly is so true. I forget to send him the address for the yoga studio to meet for dinner after class. He accused me of not respecting him and said it was all about me and wanted to break up for the 10th time. So we ended it and I’m so much happier now.
Hi Matt,
You are so wise beyond your years…I sound like your mother don’t I? Lol.
Love the Mark Twain quote….gives me a fresh perspective on what relationships are really all about.
Thanks for all you do, you make a big difference in the world!
Matt!
I wish I would have listened to this a few years ago, would have saved me! Anyway this is why I think you’re amazing and what distinguishes you, the practical tips that we can actually USE and most of all you’re big heart. Was totally worth it to attend your retreat and the learning didn’t stop there! Thx for all you do Matt.
Thankyou, I was asking how to spot someone who like controling this has helped me.my x was I have been to scare of meeting a man or into a relationship. I was luck my x realized the relationship was getting un healthy we broke up.we been hooking up few years since my mum died,he suffered from posttraumatic stressed and depression. For a while we didn’t get on I said lets not be in contact we are having same old arguments and, I said lets end it now we are hurting each other. He stopped we hooked up with weekend and we got on. I not if I will see him again. But in his sleep he said I love I love you. I am not sure why but he was sending text to his daughter and I thought he was thinking dreaming about her.I didn’t say anything at the time .
Hi Matthew,
I have had toxic relationships in the past with friends and boyfriends and I have educated myself over the last couple of years about toxic people/narcissists. I actually think they should teach you about these kind of people in school, as simply having an awareness of these kind of people and how their minds work has changed my life so much for the better. I always give people the benefit of the doubt when I first meet them but always look for reciprocity. Simply put, If someone doesn’t treat me with the kindness and respect that I would show to them, then that is a red flag for me and I keep my distance. That said, I agree that we aren’t all perfect, however, we can offer support but WE are not responsible for someone else’s problems. Great video!
I couldn’t make it to #5 in the Toxic Person video, because I was married to one and the realness of your words brought all the horrible memories flooding back.
People… Listen, please. Matt knows what he is talking about.
Learn from him and take action.
Toxic People will kill you from the inside out.
Matt, I have a question:
The last guy I was with (2-year relationship, ended a year ago) was very toxic in areas 1-3; something I only realized fully after we broke up. It’s been a year and I feel generally a lot better, but when I think about him I still have a lot of anger.
You spoke to a caller named Kenny this week on LoveLife, and you mentioned in passing that Kenny’s ex probably had a lot of anger to process. I have a lot of anger to process too, and when I think about that old situation, I feel like I get stuck in the emotion and don’t progress through it. Generally I feel good about life: I have good friends, a nice place to live, a job I enjoy, and some absorbing hobbies. (Obviously I have things that need improving, but who doesn’t?)
Can you please talk about how to process anger about an ex?