3 Ways You’re Accidentally Scaring Him Away (and How to Stop)

It always surprises me how often a potentially great relationship is cut short because of silly mistakes and insecure behaviors that we haven’t learned to control. So in this week’s video, I want to share exactly what the 3 most common behaviors are that scare a guy off before he ever gets a chance to truly fall for you.

Avoid these and you’ll find it way easier to get a guy hooked on your best qualities and have a healthy, happy relationship…

Stop Feeling Threatened by Your Insecurities. Start Feeling Free.
Tap Below and I’ll Show You How…

There is something that happens when we meet someone we really like. Because the stakes are higher, whatever insecurities or worries are lying beneath the surface all of a sudden come out, because they’re exacerbated by our fears in this situation.

Now, there are three things that we do early on in a relationship … and, by the way, for anyone who’s in a relationship, and deep in, these are just as relevant to you. But there are three things that start right at the beginning that so many people do, and I want to at least draw awareness to them today.

The first one is spying on someone. Sometimes the ways we do this are minor, they’re not things that someone else would notice. It comes as kind of snooping. We might look on their social media to see the last time they were active if we haven’t had a text back from them in the last three hours.

The problem with this behavior is it has us focusing on the wrong things. Instead of focusing on the average of their communication, their behavior towards us, we’re looking for all of the little ways that we can catch them out. Even if we don’t think we’re showing that, it’s going to come out in the form of passive-aggressive energy when we’re with them.

The second insecure behavior is comparing ourselves to other people. I know so many women that immediately upon dating a guy, start to worry about other women that are around. Are they more beautiful? Are they funnier? Are they a body shape that he’s going to like better? They look for all of these ways that they don’t match up to somebody else. And it’s so sad, because they’re completely undervaluing what they bring to the table.

So, the only way to overcome this is to cut the relationship between you and other people in that way altogether. Trust me, there will always be someone who scores more points than you in a specific category. That’s not ultimately what’s going to win someone’s heart. What wins someone’s heart is our certainty that we are bringing our unique voice to the table, and allowing someone to fall in love with that, and not worrying about whether we beat someone in every category.

The third type of insecure behavior is when we try to control someone’s actions: where they go, and who they spend time with. It might be, he wants a boys’ night out, and there’s a part of you deep down that is uncomfortable with that. You don’t want him being in an environment where people can flirt with him, where he might be attracted to someone else, and God forbid, could be unfaithful.

The danger of this is it only reflects badly on us, and it makes them compelled to do that thing even more. If someone can’t have their freedom within our relationship, in a way that respects our boundaries, we have a genuine problem. If the only way that I can trust you is by keeping you in the house, then I’m only masking the problem, I’m not solving it.

We have to start dealing with the real issue, not the fake issue. The fake issue is, how do I get my partner to stop wanting to do this, to stop doing this to me, to stop making me jealous in this way, and so on. Those are the superficial issues.The real issue I have to deal with is, why am I feeling threatened by these things in the first place? If we can deal with that, we change everything.

The reason I created my retreat program was to deal with those fundamental issues, because if we can go from feeling threatened to feeling at peace, to feeling free, to feeling confident in ourselves, where we can say, “Either this is going to work or it’s not. But I am at peace either way, because I know who I am, and I know what I’m worth.” When we change that, it’s the most freeing feeling in the world.

If you haven’t applied for the retreat yet, the next live retreat is coming up fast now, in just a couple of months. Make sure you do, and, as always, if you can’t come to the live retreat, we have the at-home study version as well. Click this link right here, and I’ll see you on the inside.

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19 Replies to “3 Ways You’re Accidentally Scaring Him Away (and How to Stop)”

  • I’ve been in a relationship for the last year and I do #1 and 3. I didn’t start out doing this but it has developed over the course of the last 6 months or so. He hasn’t given me any reason to not trust him so I’m not sure why I’m doing these. They spying I think I do because he doesn’t reply to messages very often maybe..?

  • Dear Matt,
    this is like the answer to my present situation….I met a guy im really interested in. I feel insecure with him as i feel that im not enough for him and that other women are more interesting. I just got like a wake up call to realise that if im not enough as i am he is not the right person for me! So i can just relax and be me!

  • Hi Matthew,I often feel he doesn’t want me to move on,he says he has a new gf,yet we spend times in hotels in a place I love,I’m moving away yet he says he hopes can still visit me,I feel he loves me still as he cuddled me tight like he used to yet when I say let’s move away together make a fresh start he says no.I’m confused

  • I feel like this is me more than any other topics. I’m secure and I’m fun and then I get weird. I think sometimes I act like this because the relationship isn’t right anyway or anymore. I do feel it’s hard to trust and I do all of the three things especially when I feel invested or the relationship starts to nose dive. With most guys I’m pretty confident and secure. This could be a form of self sabotage but not knowing how to end things.

  • I feel like this is true for my case. This involves the person I’m in limbo with, along with my friends. I’ve seperated myself completely and realized who actually has valued the affection and time I give them and who has used me. I admit with the person I’ve placed in limbo, I do have feelings for him but I only act to invest when he does. I’ve gotten jealous when I’ve seen him with his other female friends, but when he gets the chance he reaches out to me when I least expect it and as much as he can. With all of this said, I feel like I need to learn how to trust myself and the people who truly love me before I break their trust in me.

  • Okay Matthew I already watch your movie ,so yeah it’s true ,so it’s okay I own bother him any more I want to move on enjoy my new life but any ways thank you so much Matthew you are so amazing to every body your program it’s so awesome ,so yeah I still want to join ….

  • Sometimes love can be crazy. Yes I do it a lot especially the snooping but there are times I feel the man too has insecurities. Am single right now, am focusing more on taking care of myself before bringing anyone into it. So I can have my head up high. Matthew points would really make a relationship last longer and you even get more respect from your man..He is having a boys night out and you called him,you even tell him” Baby have fun and buy me pizza when coming”

  • As an avid follower, I feel the need to respond.
    First of all, all relationships start out with love and trust. If one of the partners resorts to this behavior, it is because the other partner has proven that they cannot be trusted.
    Secondly, as a mature female, a mature man knows how to treat his partner in a way that she feels respected, honored, cherished, and would have no reason to distrust him.
    I do agree that any female should walk away immediately from a man that is not honoring her, and if she can’t the retreat will definitely help with her self esteem issues.

  • Dear Matthew

    I dating this guy for about 9 month’s now I’m pregnant 4 months but this guy make me feel insicure for no reason.
    1 we live in the same city but I’m always the one telling him I’m coming over he will never invite me out of his own
    2 for the last month when I want to go over he always has stories
    3 I just broke up with him cause I know when you are welcome and when you are not welcome
    4 he is giving me the not welcome sign and I’m taking it
    I will bring up our baby by myself if I have to but I’m not going to force anyone to be with me out of obligation of a pregnancy

  • I love your advice pages and so much of it is useful to know but I’m finding that it seems to be the men with these insecurities. Phoning repeatedly if you don’t answer the 1st time … saying they’re coming over when not invited making life plans after dating for a week. Is this “moving so fast” due to internet dating?
    I’d like to know what other women think as well as your thoughts from a Male perspective

  • I just thank you for all your work Matthew! When I see your videos I feel more empowered and inspired to be better and more confident woman. I would like to see more videos with advices to construct a solid confidence and self-love :) I hope you continue doing this wonderful job kisses

  • Great video! But what about the guy I’m dating is polyamourous? (That means he wants to have several girlfriends). I’m dating a guy and he already has 3 girlfriends, me and one of them are being more serious dates, she has been with him for four years, I’ve been with him during 2 months. Firstly, she is jealous of me, that I now am in the picture, and that creates a toxic environment for me, I don’t like it. Secondly, I like the guy but I don’t like “sharing” him with other girls, I want 100% of a boyfriend, not 50% of a boyfriend. This works out for the other girls because they have additional boyfriends, but I don’t have the ability to love more than one person at the time in that way.

    Is this me being jealous, wanting him for myself, or is it me listening to my needs, wanting 100% of a boyfriend. I’m not sure from time to time, but I think it is more of the second option.

    A video of polyamourous love could be interesting!
    Cheers! :)

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