He Disappeared? You May Accidentally Be Making These 2 Mistakes

There are two common mistakes you can make in the early dating stage that stop a guy from being as into to you as he could be.

And the best way to avoid them is to develop a crucial attractive quality. Do this, and watch how much easier attraction gets…

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Any of these things sound familiar?

The men you’re attracted to don’t approach you when you’re out there in the world. When you do end up speaking to one, it doesn’t result in anything concrete. You don’t exchange numbers and it doesn’t go anywhere.

You go on a date and you find that the person you’re with only wants you for something sexual. Or you have a date and nothing happens after that, you never get the call.

I believe that there is a common thread between all of these things that I want to outline in this video. Because there are two big mistakes that I see people out there making. The first mistake is when they meet someone, they’re too hot. This means they’re focused on being sexual. They’re focused on creating that energy with someone that is always leading to that very enticing, very charged sexual place.

Now the problem with this, as we know, is that very often if we have sex before there’s a connection, that doesn’t feel earned as a level of intimacy. It feels cheap and if it feels cheap, it feels disposable. So now what happens for a lot of people is they get sexual very quickly and find that it doesn’t go anywhere, which, by the way, is absolutely fine if you’re just having fun being sexual with people. But if you want it to go somewhere, that initial overload of sexuality can actually hurt that cause.

Mistake number two: too cool. Cool, at the early stage of dating, often doesn’t register as cool, it registers as cold. I was speaking to someone recently who came off, in the initial stages, as cold. Now what was interesting when I was speaking to her is that she said, “When I’m out there, I know that there are so many women who are getting sexual with guys really quickly and I don’t want to be associated with that. You know, I have standards with what I will and won’t allow. I have standards with men. I don’t want to just race into bed like everybody else.”

But what she was saying is, “But it feels like everyone else is winning because they’re willing to go to bed with someone really quickly and I’m not prepared to do that.”

I had to define what winning meant to her, because just because you get initial attention, it doesn’t mean it’s the kind of attention you want. But the opposite of having sex with someone isn’t being cold with someone. The opposite of having sex with someone is just not having sex with someone. And so what I’m seeing out there with so many women right now is people either being very sexual up front and then not being happy with the kind of attention they receive, or wanting to rebel against that and show that they have standards and show that you can’t do that kind of thing with them, and so now they go to cold.

The right answer is right in the middle here, in being warm.

So what does being warm actually mean, in practical terms? In your photographs, smile. It is extraordinary to me how many people register as incredibly cold on dating profiles, on Instagram, wherever it is they live, because in all of their photographs they’ve got that stern, pouty face. I know, the stern, pouty face with the slightly squinted eyes is all supposed to be sexy. Actually Jameson, that’s pretty good. That look as good as I think it did?

Jameson: Definitely not.

I get it. It’s fun in some of your photos but don’t do it all of them because it just says, “I’m not a person who enjoys life. I’m not a happy person. I am just this person who does this one look that I think is sexy.”

Inviting body language. Same deal but in real life, away from photographs. When someone sees you in real life, is there a body language you have that’s open to talking to people? Are you positioned out to the room or are you positioned towards your friends in a corner where no one can get past that fortress? Are you smiling? Are you actually looking at someone and giving them enough eye contact to make them want to come over? Is your body language approachable?

Are you friendly in conversation or is your initial conversation with someone heavy in sarcasm? Sarcasm can be a good thing when it’s sprinkled in, it can show dry wit. But too much of it can show you’re disillusioned, you’re bitter, or that you haven’t got the confidence to just be yourself in a conversation, you have to constantly be making jokes or picking holes in somebody else.

Do you receive compliments well? When someone gives you a compliment, can you just sweetly say “thank you” and show your appreciative of that? Can you give a compliment to somebody else? Giving a compliment is an act of vulnerability. I don’t have to worry that I’m giving you too much power or that I’m putting you on a pedestal simply by complimenting you. I’m just showing appreciation for who you are.

Do you show genuine curiosity for somebody else? Not just for their superficial traits, and not just a conversation where you talk about you, but do you actually show genuine curiosity about who someone is and what their opinions are in life?

Are you earnest? When you send a text to someone after a date, are you earnest enough to say, “I had a really great time with you tonight,” or, “I absolutely loved that conversation,” or, “It was really fun talking to you on the phone just now”? That’s a form of earnestness that, again, is vulnerability but it’s a warmth, a warmth that’s inviting. I’m inviting you to be your authentic self because I’m being my authentic self.

Can you laugh at someone’s jokes? That’s a level of warmth. Again, it’s vulnerable to laugh at someone’s jokes. You know those people who are really good at telling jokes but then as soon as someone else tells a joke they don’t laugh? And it’s almost like they’re too afraid to let their guard down and allow someone else to be funny, to give them that power. When we laugh at someone’s jokes we show warmth and we’re inviting.

And an amazing hug. I think that we completely underrate the importance of the first time we hug someone, because a hug communicates so much about us. Our level of warmth and, in a weird way, how much we like people. How connected we are to our own bodies. How comfortable we are in our own skin. How comfortable we are around somebody else. That feeling you get when you hug someone who, they stick their butt out and the whole of their bodies, so it’s like the only parts that touch are the shoulders–it’s like you’re this thing they’re allergic to, and they’re just trying to make sure they touch as little as possible with you–that doesn’t create warmth. When you hug someone in an amazing way, that alone can create massive attraction.

So when you hug someone, step into it and give them a real hug. And maybe hold it for half a second longer than you normally would.

Now these practical things that show warmth don’t just make us more inviting as a person, they sub-communicate very attractive traits.

Warmth requires confidence. See, warmth is a form of vulnerability. There’s an authenticity to it where I’m putting myself out there in an un-ironic way, in an un-sarcastic way, and that means I’m subjecting myself to your real opinions of the real me. So it takes confidence to do that and let our guard down.

It takes optimism because to have warmth we have to have a positive outlook on life, we actually have to see the world as a beautiful place, not as this dark place that’s made us bitter.

And that, by the way, is why it requires bravery too.

Because we’ve all been through shit, we’ve all dealt with difficult things in our life, and that is a universal rule. We know that anyone we come into contact with has dealt with difficult things. But some people take their difficult things and become bitter, and other people take difficult things and decide to do the brave thing of seeing the world as a beautiful place anyway. So when we’re warm with people, it shows that we have the bravery to see the world as beautiful and not as this place to be afraid of or be guarded in.

Three very attractive qualities sub-communicated that create genuine attraction.

Now if you like this, then you’re going to love what I’m about to do, because today doesn’t have to end with this video, does it, Jameson?

A free guide at WhyHesGone.com. Lack of warmth is one of the reasons people disappear in the early stages but there are more, and they’re in this guide. Go check it out, WhyHesGone.com.

I’ll see you there.

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7 Replies to “He Disappeared? You May Accidentally Be Making These 2 Mistakes”

  • I’ve just started seeking a guy and he hurts my feelings already . First off He has naked pic of his ex on his screen saver . He talks bad about my parents. He’s even made some horrible comments on my being overweight .I think I need to end it before I start it.

  • What a wonderful video Matt!!
    So right in the point and very well explained.
    Congrats for your work.

  • Hm, sounds plausible and yet… What if the people you meet are not brave and confident? What if you are warm, but it’s not repricocated? Or not to the same degree? I often feel a growing number of people do not even have a good connection to themselves – let alone someone else – and thus are afraid of (emotional) intimacy.

  • Matthew, thank you !!! This video is something I needed. I really love everything you do. Greetings from Poland, Dominika :)

  • I was told so many times that my hug I gave to someone meant a lot to them (and I mean friends in a non-sexual way). When someone is in a vulnerable situation, sometimes the only thing you can really do is be there for them. And you‘d be surprised how much some people will appreciate a warm, genuine and strong hug. People hug too little and many adults don‘t get as many hugs anymore as they got when they were a child.

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