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How to Get More Serious Without Scaring Them Away

This week’s video is about moving in together.

But you should watch it even if you’re not at that stage with someone, because it contains a truth that is essential to understand when moving from one stage of a relationship to the next…

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So, what was your question, Amber?



I was wondering, my boyfriend and I have been together a little bit over a year and we’re starting to think about moving in together. I was just wondering, when’s too soon? I’ve always wanted to wait until we were talking more about getting married and things like that. I just wanted to get your advice on is it too soon? How do you know you’re ready to move in with someone?



I think that’s a very good and intelligent and important question. There are lots of people, I feel, move in too quickly. They do it in the throes of the passionate stage of the relationship. And look, who among us hasn’t fallen in love with someone and immediately thought, “I just want to move in with them right this second, right now”? And then, they are really glad, two months later, that they didn’t because it would have been too quick and they would have possibly wrecked the whole thing.

Now, the opposite of that, I think, can be just as bad. If you, for example… And people have different beliefs on this, I’ll just throw mine out there. When I hear people say, “Well, I want to get married to someone before I move in with them.” I always find that to be a very dangerous concept. For me, I would much rather have lived with someone before I make the decision to marry them, because who knows what they’re like in that environment. Things change when you live with someone. Everything, to some extent, is sped up and intensified because you’re around each other the entire time.

So, I think, for you, you have to make your own decision about whether it’s really important for you to wait till marriage to do it. But what I would say is, somewhere between the crazy, passionate phase, where you feel irrational, and making a decision to be with someone forever, you should have a trial run at living with them. I don’t think that means necessarily going and taking out a mortgage together, but it does mean going and renting a place together that you can just have the experience of it, even if it was on the basis of doing it for a few months. I think that a lot of the time moving in together is something that should take the form of something more casual than it really is. If you understand what I mean?






I don’t think we should introduce moving in together, like, “Shall we move in together now?” I think that’s terrifying for people, and I think it puts too much pressure on. If people say to each other, “You know what, look, we really like each other – or we love each other – and we’ve had such an amazing time together in our relationship. It feels like it’s going somewhere. Shall we try it for a few months? There’s no black and white. It’s not like we’re doing anything that we can’t reverse. If it doesn’t work out, then we’ll change the situation. But why don’t we try an apartment together for a few months and just see what happens?”

That, to me, is a very risk-free way of doing it that allows people to take the next step without the pressure of forever, which so many people throw themselves into. Does that make sense?



Yes, it definitely does. That’s a really good way to look at it. I hadn’t thought about that.



Yeah. I feel like some of the most serious steps that you take in a relationship should be treated in a relaxed way. I always feel like the moment a woman starts saying, “This is our first doormat together. Oh, my God, these are our first teacups that we’ve ever had together.” As soon as she starts saying that about everything, he’s like, “Oh, my God, it’s happening. I’m living with someone. I’m never going to be on my own again.” He starts freaking out. But if you don’t go down that route, instead, you just treat it in a relaxed way but allow it to happen, both of you, I think, will be a lot happier.



Okay. Awesome. Thank you. That’s really, really good advice.

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11 Replies to “How to Get More Serious Without Scaring Them Away”

  • Okay, good advice for people who are in their first serious relationship together . . . What about people with kids who are seeking a second marriage? What if you don’t want to move your kids in with a guy (maybe also with kids) without a higher level of commitment for the sake of the kids?

  • I agree that moving in together changes things. There is not trial run in moving in together. If you go for it you do your best to make everything work and you talk about problems that come up and work them out. With a trial run you most likely wont because you already know you’re not stuck in that situation so you take it because in 2 months this situation is over and you’ll be living by yourself again with nobody to complain about your socks all over the floor.

    After the few months both parties will be well this was fun. It’s either gonna be weird or it’s gonna be a breakup over some stupid socks because nothing was said about it as this wasn’t a permanent thing anyway..

    There is no trial run with moving in together.
    You move in and talk about the issues that arise. You both work it out and work on the things thst need to be worked on. If it then still doesn’t wori for some reason you know it will never work so you move on and leave.

  • I love that you do not send in my inbox a bunch of videos that give absolutely no advise and they just promise a bunch of stuff in a long 30 min video just to end up asking for money!I have unsubscribe to many love advisers because they all do this in every single email!

  • So men also fear that they never will b alone again? I’ve always thought it’s women who fear moving in and never being free, because in that arrangement, if it doesn’t work, it feels like it’s the lady who stands to loose more than the man, and again the woman is “under the man”. When the couple decides to live together B4 they marry, it still shows they love each other( this not withstanding- I’ve heard of people who don’t believe true love exists and go ahead being good to portray it) and want to tighten their bond. When they move in together and focus on the other person’s strengths and not weaknesses, they are able to go to a higher level of the relationship. For sure they can’t be clueless about the other person’s behaviours. They must have loved the stupid things the other party does. The stupid things are the most likely to cause damage but if he/ she can cope they are not an obstacle. Well, if you are from church you will not be allowed to do that or you have backsliden- actually you are not supposed to take matters in to your own hands like this- as in don’t even think about sleeping with a man B4 getting married. If u do, Count yourself out, (but there is forgiveness) Nway maaany people fall short- becoz of not knowing what to do, or because of fear etc.

  • I usually find your advice really great! But I would have to respectfully disagree. I have lived with a few boyfriends and I regretted not being engaged before we moved in. I have lost a lot. Time, money and my dignity. I can only speak from experience – but my boyfriends got too comfortable and why buy the cow if you get the milk for free. What is the incentive now for a man to propose? You have now allowed him to see that he can live with you and not have to fully commit. You’re playing house! That’s not the real world. If you are in a situation and have to feel afraid or scared to move in together -then maybe consider breaking up. When you marry each other and move in and things can go wrong – then what? there are no trial runs. Your message is like planting the seed that it’s not going to work out. Anytime you begin a relationship with someone there’s also a risk. You wouldn’t go into a marriage thinking well if it doesn’t work out we can divorce right?

  • Hi Matthew

    I so love your guidance. I’ve been listening to it for months now and I so appreciate knowing I’m not the only one.

    I’m still in the throws of being with a lovely man and following your advice.

    What really bugs me to be honest though, is I have to listen to ‘Who you are’ on each teaching. I know who you are and I love it. Is there anyway you could enable the message to allow us to fast forward that bit every time? I only ask as I watch a lot of your guidance and I can probably recite who you are now word for word.

    Sorry, don’t mean to be disrespectful, I’m in a hurry to hear what you’ve got to say next tis all.

    Thank you for your advice and teachings, it really has so helped me. Just thought I’d flag that bit tho.

    And, btw, whilst writing, I’d love to join you on your Confidence course, but with covid I don’t see how it’s going to work. Is there an online course available as an option?

    Thank you again. You’ve helped me so much through my current relationship. Even when he ended things last December. He came back and I kept your guidance in place the whole time. I feel our relationship is now deeper than ever.

    Many thanks again.


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