I don’t usually talk publicly about my weaker moments.
When you work in the self-help industry, everyone expects you to talk about the positive things in life: success, money, happiness, popularity, beauty, love… Well, I don’t know about you, but my life certainly isn’t always sunshine and rainbows.
No-one talks about feeling alone and loneliness enough. Everyone talks about success, money, popularity, beauty, fun…
But what about those moments when we go back to our bedroom, close the door, and feel like no-one in the world understands the struggle we’re going through. We have so much fear of revealing our naked, scared, suffering selves at times that we feel like it’s not valid to talk about our feelings of being alone.
Well, not today.
This may be one of the most personal videos I’ve ever done, but it’s also one of the most important…
Whatever you’re going through right now, I want you to know that someone is listening.
Please leave a comment on the video and share your thoughts with others so that they know someone else is going through the same as them.
Your whole video was refreshing – thank you for the raw take. I especially was impacted by the closing “I love you” which is something you don’t normally add in your videos. It reminded me of how much love I have all around me and makes me feel grateful for all of the people in my life, despite not having a romantic partner to share it with.
xx Thanks again :)
Matthew…you are awesome! Loneliness is real & everybody feels it sometimes. I have to say though, that I haven’t felt lonely in almost 2 months now…but almost all of last year I did…due to being in the wrong relationship. I finally ended it on New Years Day. I live alone with my cat & dog and I spend most of my nights alone…but I haven’t felt lonely. Not to say that I won’t…cuz I will…but being happy with myself & loving myself & my decisions have made a huge difference.
Happiness is an inside job…the people around you make a big difference to that though. The things you do…your hobbies, job, how many friends & family you can go out with & call & text about anything. I have plenty of that in my life. I think if you’re truly happy, you will experience less loneliness.
Also a sense of having a positive affect on people will affect that too. I’ve just had sudden ideas come into my head that I followed through with recruited help. Just past month on Valentine’s Day, I bought See’s candy Valentine pops & gave them out at a mall to any single ladies I came across. Well…I actually only gave out one…there were hardly any single people out at the mall! Before that I hand wrote a simple message like “You’re awesome” and “You are enough” and “You are beautiful” and put them on random car windows at the beach. Did that one twice. I just don’t think there’s enough positivity out there. And I wanted to share some with strangers who might be having a bad day, or bad week, or year. I’ve known bad years.
Being kind & helping people won’t just help them…it helps us. And it can be something super small that you do for someone. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you do or where you come from, everybody needs help & kindness & feels lonely at times. We are human & we will feel every emotion forever…just hopefully more of the good ones more often than not:)
I totally agree with you on the video about lonliness.
Thanks Matthew,
For the video it’s great to know that no matter who we are in life we all feel lonely. But we shouldn’t be scared about it. I feel lonely about “what if I don’t find the right guy, or this is just what I have to accept”. I get scared and want to be in love again, but I love myself too and know that even though I may be lonely, I won’t be forever :)
Hi mathew my name is jo, i got onto your words of wisdom to improve my marriage. As i was having trouble with connection. It has helped. You sent me a link through my email yesterday about loneliness and even though i am married i sometimes feel more alone than when i was single. My husband is self employed so he works seven days a week to build his business and our dream house. Though at times i hate that house because it is loosing my connection with my husband. I miss just waking up in the morning together and getting ready to go out and going to get some breakfast in the morning or holding hands. The house should finished in may so that is good. Thank you for reminding that i not alone again it has helped.
A few minutes ago I was pulling clothes out of the dryer and folding them and having a little pity party for myself. It’s Sunday and I’ve been looking forward all week to having a day off to stay home, clean up the house and relax. Instead of feeling relaxed, I was feeling anxious and sad. I was oscillating between admonishing myself for not getting enough done and admonishing myself for not relaxing enough. I was thinking about all of the things I didn’t get done this past week and all of the things I haven’t done to prepare myself for the next week. There are coulds and shoulds and woulds scattered all over the house turning my mind this way and that. As I matched socks into pairs, I had a moment where I realized that the problem isn’t all of the things I haven’t done or frustrations with I want to do (and not do), it’s that I’m doing them by myself, without someone to share the simple day to day details of life with. I do enjoy my solitude, maybe more than most, but I’ve discovered that it’s far more enjoyable when it’s because I choose to be alone rather than having no other option. Loneliness is the source of my discontent, not the litany of the undone. I brought a pile of folded laundry upstairs and picked up my Kindle to shut out my thoughts and find comfort disappearing into a book. Before I started reading, I checked my email and there was your video. It was the perfect thing at the perfect time. The kindness you speak of, that you emanate, does indeed matter. Your kind face, your kind words, your kind understanding mattered to me. Here, now, today.
Thanks Matt.
Anne
Omg…
This was by far the most authentic video of you I’ve ever seen. It made me cry.
I’m pondering about what else to say…. can’t put my thoughts into words. ..
THANK YOU
Kathrin
PS : how did you find ‘a man called ove’ – did u manage to read it? :)
I have a career that requires me to be empathetic and comfort people on a daily basis. The hardest part of it all is when I go home at night, I have no one there to comfort me. It’s difficult.
Thank you for this video, Matt. I enjoy all your videos, and it’s especially refreshing when I see one that’s more raw. I am blessed with some very loyal friends who are like family to me, and yet at times like this morning I still feel lonely. I recognize the power in solitude so I try not to let it get to me much and decided to go for a morning run outdoors to change my state. And it did. Also, I don’t participate much in social media precisely because I know it’s merely a highlight reel of people’s lives masking what their ordinary lives are really like. You are completely on point about everything you shared on the video, and thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who feels lonely even though it seems as if everyone else hardly ever feels that way. And thank being brave enough to talk about a subject that very few people truly address or admit.
I totally agree with you on the video about lonliness. It was raw and much needed. People often think that just because I have a happy demeanor I have no worries at all. I have no partner to share those happy moments with and I have noone to cuddle up to at the end of each day. So, yeah, I feel that lonliness you were describing. This is why I love you, as so many others do as well. What you say is “heart felt and kind”. God bless and we are all here for you as well Matt… when you’re feeling lonely. Warmest Hugs, Monica
That loneliness could be turned around to feel like freedom. It’s all a matter of perspective. And you needn’t feel lonely on Valentine’s Day if you were part of Matts on line party in your pyjamas. The more he drank, the more passionate he got about his subject which was just lovely to watch.
AND you are not old at 42, you are a Woman with a rich life history and none of those insecurities you mention from your twenties. I have a disabled child and whilst being a mother to any child is the most rewarding thing to do in life, it is also the hardest for sure. I think in the West we are increasingly set up to live our lives in solitude. We probably need to live in a commune or such like, communities which support one another and share chores and child rearing, illness etc. It’s why it must be so hard when you’ve been in something like the army or military and come out, at once losing all the comaraderie and constant companionship. I’m writing a screenplay about these themes at the moment.
I concur that VD in my My PJ’s was the best Valentines Day for me. Matt, was adorbs and we got to See Jameson and Stephen. Triple Win.
Wow. What timing for me to see this right now. I have been feeling very lonely in deeper ways than I have in my past and particularly in this very moment. It’s been a struggle for me to find inner strength and hope. I do with each day, but the feeling of being very much alone no matter how many men or people I am surrounded by remains. Thank you for sharing this. You are extremely handsome and successful, one would assume you would not have these feelings, although I do understand that appearances mean nothing as to what someone is feeling inside or the core of who someone is. Be well.
Thanks Matt for this raw, unedited video. This helps far more than polished, image-controlled ones that are norm. I’ve felt for a long time the paradox of our times: more loneliness, isolation, scarcity of real human connection outside of most interactions that are so highly structured that don’t allow room for any spontanious interactions and we are losing our ability, motivation and skills to turn it around, assuming that’s the way things are.
I am also responsible for my loneness. I seem to be in never-ending state of thinking that I need to work on myself and my life first before reaching out to others and being able to contribute as much as I would like to and this is a perfectionist’s trap.
Thank you. I felt really alone for two days now and I still do. I had a really bad experience on Friday and even before that my week has been filled with high expectations that burned and crushed and I honestly feel like I reached my low point.
And I guess, I feel like there is nobody who I can relate to currently or who would understand and when I saw your video, it truly helped to know, that is to be reminded, that I am not alone. So thank you for that. Your videos are lovely and I enjoy them very much.
Love
Moki
Matt,
Wow, this video hits me where I live more than any other so far. I am 47 now and have never yet had an actual relationship. I have always loved my solitude as a way to recharge or work on creative things so being alone frequently didn’t bother me or make me feel lonely. There would be moments where I would feel the slight sting of it when friends would do “couple things” with other friends and I would find out later when someone would ask why I hadn’t come along when the truth was nobody had thought to invite me as I was single.
When I was young I don’t remember being lonely much even though I had been picked on a lot and only had a few friends. There were always things to do and I found I enjoyed being by myself. As I got a little older and my friends were all dating, I had no luck finding anyone, but I wasn’t interested in getting married then or having kids at all so I didn’t let it bother me and tried to do a lot of things that kept my life full in other ways and learned to be pretty independent. My friends eventually set me up on a variety of blind dates that ran the gamut from boring to strange to “if you really want to play matchmaker, you need to find a better class of guys” so I kept doing what I had been with my life to keep it full and interesting. I would sometimes go out with my girlfriends and we would end up chatting with some guys and as the evenings progressed sometimes a guy would catch me alone and I would get a little excited thinking he was going to ask for my number or something like that, but invariably he wanted the number for one of my friends, who all were married or had serious relationships. The only guys who even remotely seemed interested in me were not ones I had even a tiny bit of interest in dating so I decided I was quite fine by myself.
For the last few years I look at my friends who have great, fulfilling relationships and wonder at what I have missed out on without love in my life. I read your book and am practicing using the advice in it to the best of my ability. Being a bit shy by nature some of your insights have really helped me talk to men more easily and I have had some nice, easy interactions recently with guys I have met. Now I have to find where the single guys around my age are since the men I have met lately all turned out to be married or in a relationship. I’ve even tried dating websites, but that has been a big bust so far as well.
Some days the lonely catches up to me and it is hard to deal with, but I still have hope that I will find that special guy that appreciates me for who I am and will love me as much as I love him.
Thank you Matt. I have had two “best” friends burn me in the past, and I don’t feel like I am very good at making friends. I am lonely. I wake up, go to work, go home…I sometimes reach out to close-ish friends to hangout. I want to hang out with people, but I don’t want to be too pushy, so I end up getting half way to the point of actually doing something and it stops there. I often feel like I am the only one in this boat, and it is a good reminder that I am not. Thank you again for the lovely video.
Yep! loved it. We’re women – no need to apologies for ranting or too many words.
I was sitting alone – feeling a little sad as I clicked your video, and it make me feel less alone. Not that I’m calling you sad ;)
Anyway, cheers Matt xxx
Thank you for this. It is soooo true. And often those the most lonely are the ones that hide it the most, like I think you touched on it. I have been feeling lonely lately, but refusing to admit it, and instead covering it up in the drink. Working on changing that, but your words really hit home to the truth. I will watch for others more as well and strive to be more kind. We never know what another person is going through.
Hello. I think you are quite right about loneliness. People put up a front (a wall actually) because, I guess, they feel that their loneliness will make other people feel bad, or put them off, or burden them. The fact is that being that vulnerable is what makes us closer as human beings. It gives us something to offer…a hand in the darkness to hold. God bless you Matthew.
Hi Matt,
I have just seen your video… and I am thinking, how to give you a response on a deep personal level – or at least – the feeling of a personal response…
However, the more I think of it, the more I see there is no real good answer to it. It feels almost impossible to get ´in touch´ personally with someone like you or others through commenting on-line (eventhough I would love to!). I believe virtual media shared by crowds cannot be personal and therefore cannot fullfill our need of getting rid of loneliness. (However, it might change in the future. The technical development goes soo fast). Virtual reality is shared by crowds – you cannot see people´s expression, hear them, smell them, touch them… Connecting with senses is what makes me alive, not alone. For example – If I write anything online, I don´t know if you get it personally, or if your managers read it, or if others read it, I don´t know, how you react, how you understand my message, I cannot react to immediate reactions. It almost scares me that everyone can read everything and misunderstand meanings of the writing… That is why I have decided few years ago, neither to reply online, nor to write anything on facebook. The less time I spend online, the more I live life in real and the more chances I get to connect with people by senses. That is why this is my first and probably also my last response to a video online ever.
Honestly, I hope to see you one day in real life. If you get to Prague by chance, feel free let me know, I would love to show you the city. It is so amazing, what you have done for us women in general so far. Thank you, sir.
Hana