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Why Men “Love Bomb” and What You Can Do About It

Have you ever had someone come into your life, dazzle you with their initial investment and attention, only to disappear as fast as they came?

This phenomenon has been nicknamed “Love Bombing,” and it can be very painful, especially when you were led to believe it was going somewhere.

You may be asking yourself why someone would do this. In this week’s video I’ll show you…

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Why do men “Love Bomb”?

I got asked this question on one of our recent Love.Life webinars. Why do guys come in, get you attracted, make you fall in love, give you compliments, make promises, and then ghost you?

Love bombing is an interesting concept. And it’s one that’s worth understanding more about.

Why do guys do this?

Well, firstly, they do it because they’re insecure, right? Because they don’t feel “enough” unless they’re making someone fall in love with them. That they need someone to have an image of them that is so wonderful and reflected back to them, so that they can feel like, “Oh, okay, I can breathe. Look, someone’s falling in love with me. Someone thinks I’m amazing. Now, I guess I am amazing. Someone thinks it.”

And of course, in order to make you feel this, they say a lot of lovely things, they’re very charming, they make a lot of promises, and then can’t live up to those promises because it was never about building something. It was all always about feeling something.

Of course, the person on the receiving end becomes the collateral damage for this need that a person has.

Now, firstly, don’t beat yourself up because you feel all of this for this person. This person actually sold you on that image. They said things and did things to lead you down a certain path, to make you feel something, and then disappeared. You’re not crazy for feeling something, and you’re not crazy for feeling something really intense, because what the love bomber does is present the most intensely fantastic picture of themselves.

They put forward a version of themselves that is kind of like the version of themselves that people put out on Instagram. You know, you see these Instagram profiles where people look perfect in every single photograph. How is that? They’re choosing a certain filter or a certain angle or a certain lighting that always makes them look a certain way. People do that in their love lives when they love bomb people.

But in order to reduce our pain in this moment when someone disappears, we have to walk back the image that we have of that person. We have to begin to create a more sober image of a person. A person that we are looking back on and convincing ourselves was the great love we lost, when really that feeling, the intensity of that feeling, is based on an image that would be extraordinarily difficult for someone to live up to over a longer period of time.

I even think this not just in the case of someone who may be love bombed you after a few weeks or months, but let’s say someone who is with you for nine months or a year, in a kind of honeymoon phase of a relationship. And then they left. We’re in danger of forever comparing every long-term relationship we have with that person that we were with for nine months and seemed incredible. But what we didn’t see is what that person was like over two years, or five years, or a lifetime of marriage. So it actually becomes incredibly unfair to compare someone that we’re with for many years to the glamour and the shine of someone that we were with for nine months.

What can we do about this?

Firstly, be aware of anyone who seems to be giving you an unjustified amount of love, attention, compliments, making promises that don’t seem earned in a very short period of time. It doesn’t mean that someone doesn’t mean them. It just means that those things are very much unproven right now. It could be that it turns out to be real and that that’s the person you end up with. But what we have to do is even when someone else is trying to go at this rapid pace, and even if we’re enjoying that rapid pace, at the very least, internally, we have to modify our expectations until time proves those things to be real. Because someone delivering on those intentions through their actions over time is what lends gravitas to those early compliments and promises.

By the way, this concept is something that on my member’s webinar call today, I went into for 20, 25 minutes. And that’s when it turns from an idea into coaching. Ideas can help with your life. But coaching is what changes your life. That’s where the results are. So if you want to get coaching from me, graduate from a YouTube video each week to real deep-dive coaching on the issues that you want to work on, this is where it’s at. I’ll leave a link here. Come check it out for yourself. And as always, I will see you next week.

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26 Replies to “Why Men “Love Bomb” and What You Can Do About It”

  • Thanks so much Matthew. I needed this explained. I dated Mr Incredible for 11months, he seemed too good to be true, he blew me away with his Jones’s and generosity and promises, he wrote me songs and bought me flowers every week, but towards the end he started to remind me of every thing he did for me which spoilt the kind gesture, and then he disappeared once we hit a few challenges that should have been easily fixed. 2 days later he was on a dating website during lockdown, he moved out of my house leaving me and my two boys, and 2 weeks later he was dating someone else. He broke my heart and my boys hearts. It’s July and I still cry when I think of the pain this has caused me as I was so in love with him and we used to say to each other how lucky we were to find proper true love in our early 40’s. He wa smt Prince in Shining Armour and treated my sons like his own, took us away skiing, did the school runs and football runs, insisting on shopping and cooking, he was incredible! Then it ended overnight. He had talked off getting married in a little church in Spain, taking his surname once his divorce came through, he even offered to put me on his life insurance as reassurance of his commitment 2 months into dating. The commitment ring he offered or the insurance never happened. It feels like he was a total fake. How can he suddenly find a new girlfriend in a matter of days during lockdown when I am fighting to keep our relationship going? I’m still totally crushed and I’m a strong woman. I have exercised every single day to keep my head clear and I’ve never been fitter as a result but he almost broke me Matthew :(((((((
    Thanks so much for explaining this to me.
    Natalie Davidson x

  • Thank you for this video on love bombing. My ex boyfriend did this, he rushed our relationship told me he loved me, I tried to slow things down but he kept speeding them up… we went abroad to visit his family I met his children it was like we were going at 100mph (he was my first relationship after I got out of a 15yr marriage where my husband was a manipulator) & then just after Christmas my ex ended it in such a childish way I was devastated, but he’s true character came through & when I see him now I say to myself… lucky escape & wtf was I thinking

  • This same thing happened to me. Thank you for showing me that mine wasn’t a strange case, that this happens. He was so in love, talking about being together for the rest of owe lives. So much so soon, I should have known so trust my instincts better. It did feel imposible, but I let myself believe because he was so perfect.
    I still believe that he was actually thinking he was in love. Of course that was not love, just wishful thinking at best. But I don’t think he lied, he actually believed what he was saying. It lasted about 8 months and it crashed me. We were together when the pandemic started and breaking up while living together and isolating was horrible. I feel better now, I am a strong person and decided to focus on my goals and on talking to the people that have always been there for me. I am very lucky to have a big family and friends that I love.
    Thank you for sharing this, I needed to hear it. I’ll never make the same mistake again.

  • Thanks Matthew! I dated a man who I had fallen very deeply for. As I eventually found, he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the covert capacity. I have since learned a lot about NPD, and love bombing is a phase that is predictably found in NPD. The realm of love and dating is a learning curve as it is, and then to find a true narc, it’s a brutal hall of mirrors, webs and trauma bonds. Thank you for addressing love bombing. I thought the energy was so good between my ex and I because we were in alignment. It is hard to know, but as you said In this wonderful video, adjust expectations to the longer term and allow those promises and projections to prove themselves true.

  • So funny that it came out now. I met this guy on Tuesday on a flight. And he was so intense since, messaging and calling, saying I just appeared like an angel and so on. It felt fishy to me, as he didn’t really know me yet. We were supposed to go on a date today, but then his WIFE called me yesterday…thank God it all felt a little off, too much and ingenuous beforehand. Poor wife…1,5 years after the wedding.

  • This has happened to me many times to the point that I no longer believe any thing that I’m told. I’ll phone you, we’ll go out next week sometime,I’ll make it up to you.
    I’ve always believed actions speak louder than words but in dating there’s lots of talk and very little action.
    I’m now far to cynical of the whole process and have given up !
    Why is it so difficult to meet a man that actually does what he says he’s going to do ?

  • Im living this now been married just 12 months but have just found out my husband has been living a lie to 3 other women one that he is now living with , but must be falling apart because im getting missed cal on s from him and one voice message with him wispering into phone saying please talk to me but not now we have been together 4 years married 12 months and I now believe this has been happening the hole time . I want nothing to do with him and could never trust him again . But then this small very small part of me feels sorry for him .. i so need to move on with my life

  • Respected Matthew sir .He always sugar coated words when I fully invested in relationship . when I saw its one sided when even he said “I have feelings but no emotions “.I went into no contact and after one year he said sorry and now he wants me back .he keeps asking me if I remember the past moments .Sir it’s very confusing . I met and treated him as a stranger and was nice with words.he always reaches out with one or other excuse .why he is doing like this ?Sir please let me know . waiting for your reply . thanks with love and regards .

  • The behaviour you are describing is exactly what a narcissist does to suck a person in and then manipulate them. They tend to be very intelligent people and can devastate a very giving person. It is givers that the narcissist typically targets. You are right it is all about their massive insecurity. Once the narcissist has his prey hooked the tables turn and the gaslighting and taking begin…. The narcissist seems so charming and loving at first but the reality is they only care about themselves and they feel no guilt or remorse when they hurt you. They cant feel these feelings at all….

  • Men love bomb if they are narcissistic and they want to groom a grade A supply for love, adoration, etc… FOR the sole purpose of perceiving they exist and be able to balance their self-esteem from an outer source. Love bombing is also the first stage of the narcissistic cycle and also an initial, but main part of grooming. Love bombing itself is a way a treatment/trick during which the narc mirrors its prey, making him/her believe they found their soul mate… It is a very passionate, intense and short period of time, that feels like too good to be true, and indeed it is…

  • Matthew, I so enjoy all of your advice, has helped me understand myself and who I dated in the past. Thank you!

  • Why do guys call you when they’re at work the most but don’t call you as much when they have their kids? They’re just as busy. I don’t understand it..

  • Because they are fake and insecure. They are in need of recognition and will go to any lengths in order to get it. Even ruin lives along the way. The real question is how do you stop them after they have left and are still tormenting you. That’s even more disgraceful

  • Have you ever come across this
    The guy lm seeing has had a mental breakdown 10 yrs ago he now suffers with anxiety and has mild panic attacks, He looses his temper in seconds too
    We met by accident when he hit my mum with his car
    We have b keep our relationship quiet because his ex is a psycho she rings an sends him messages to push his buttons she’s basically trying to get him to crack up
    There’s lots more l could l tell you
    The thing is he’s nice to me we get on really well
    I’ve helped him out with buying things
    We have been dating a couple of months now
    But he still hasn’t told anyone he’s seeing me because he doesn’t want his ex finding out because it will cause loads of trouble and he can’t cope with it
    Should l walk away from him
    He’s saying all the things you said in the video
    I just can’t work out if he’s genuine

  • thank you for this lesson, coz i personally think that i was love bombed and i kept comparing all the other guys to that one guy. lesson well learned.

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