Who Should Pay On A Date? (Today Show)

This is one of my favourites Today Show episodes to date (you’ll see why when you watch it). There are a few hilarious moments with E.Jene to look forward to. Enjoy!

(Having trouble viewing this? Try this link…)

From the video…

–What should you do when you see and want to address issues in your marriage, when your spouse thinks everything’s fine – meanwhile the whole situation is making you miserable?

For me, the tone of this question says it all. When someone says “I’m miserable” and the guy doesn’t know it, it suggests more than just a problem in the relationship; it’s an indication of a woman who is too afraid to confront problems in her life head-on.

Even if I gave something that would demonstrate confidence for her to say, when the guy then does what men inevitably do (try to make women feel crazy and irrational), she’ll be too weak to be able so stand up for what she wants.

The reason someone doesn’t confront something is because they’re afraid of loss.

Someone in this situation has to figure out her relationship with herself before she goes and confronts her guy, and that involves getting to place where she can say, “I’m not going to have my self esteem tied to losing this man.”

If you can say it’s more detrimental to be in a relationship of pain than it is to be alone, now you’re going to be coming from a place where you can on to get the things you want.

–Is it okay to date your ex’s best friend?

If he’s the love of your life, go for it. If this is a whim because you’re lonely or in pain, or worse, trying to get back at the guy, don’t do it.

God forbid you’re on the receiving end of that one day.

–Is it appropriate to expect your date to pay for most or all of your nights out together? Or at what point in the dating process should I begin reaching for the cheque to share some of the responsibilities?

A man should pay, but a lady shouldn’t expect it.

It’s tough for women in the position they’re in today to want equality in every area aside from paying for things in a relationship. It puts out a very confused message.

While many men will still want to pay, don’t show that you expect it – even while letting him.

If you want to contribute, do so.

If the guy insists on paying for everything, you have the choice to let him. This isn’t make or break – it’s the expectation that he always will pay that ruins relationships.


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57 Replies to “Who Should Pay On A Date? (Today Show)”

  • Hi Matthew,
    i’m really and really so sorry for not posting so long.
    I’m really feeling guilty for not posting so long.
    But i can explane That i’m really having a hard time right now.
    My parents gonna divorce Maybe. They are in relationshiptherapy.
    But how it’s gonna end i dont know. But since i heard the news.
    I feel dead in Side not really but numb i guess. I know i can’t solve anything but still. But because all the stress i Lose weight because it all i just takes me in any way.

    But whatever happens i stay strong for my Mother and everyone else.
    But to Cheer you up Matthew. Your the best person in my life i’ve ever met in my live not for real. But through your blogs and post it makes me feel Alive again.

    Thnx So And So Much <3 :D

    1. Thirza, I feel your pain. My parents divorced almost 10 years ago when my dad thought I was old enough to handle it, but it was the worst experience of my life (and there’s some stiff competition!). I was also trying to stay strong for my mother who went to pieces, and in the following years when it was just me and her living together it was so hard I nearly committed suicide. Even now they can’t even mention each other and I’m still deeply affected, trying to have a relationship with both and being made to feel very guilty about it. How am I meant to invite them to my potential future wedding, if they made me cry at my graduation? How am I meant to trust and love fully in my own relationships with such an awful example in front of me?

      What you need to remember is that you are not your parents. You are THEIR CHILD and although it is right that you want to support your mother (and, don’t forget, your father), she has her own friends and support too and it’s not your sole responsibility to look after her. You need to talk to your friends about all this, concentrate on your goals and make sure you think about your own life. Just because your parents’ marriage may end doesn’t mean they love you any less. It may make for some uncomfortable and sad moments in the future (I hope not as much as with my parents) but if you don’t be strong for YOURSELF and make the most you can out of your life, your parents will regret that impact on you more than anything else. To support them, firstly make sure YOU are getting the support you need. I’d recommend seeing a professional to talk to – I wish I’d done so ten years ago, and maybe I could have dealt with the last decade far better.

      Good luck xxx

      1. Thanks So Much Charlie it really touches me.
        That you almost commited suïcide. Dont Forget your in the world to fullfill a goal That’s the way i See it. And there are always people Who Misd you if your gone.
        Sometimes i can understand why because sometimes you see the sunshine in your life anymore. But i’m only 15 years old. I give advice to other people.
        And you give me advice. Thanks so Much. If you had commited suïcide you could never write That to me do not stupid stuff life is more worth than giving up your life That god has Gaves you. You can make something from it or not.
        Everybody gone’s through something bad. And sometimes it’s breaks me.
        But than i remember on my Grandpa Who’s not here anymore. He always Said take good care of yourself. And even if i wanted to do it not That i ever thought About but. I remember the people how cares About you my family. And i dont have friends but That’s okay i have my twinsister on school i can deal with That.

        All i wanna to Say is never give up on your own life think About it the next time.
        When you wanted to do something stupid. Life Goes About Peeks and througfs Learned from Matthew.

        All i wanted to say Thanks so and so Much you deserve to live. Because otherwise you couldnt give me the advice you gas given to me today.

        Thanks so Much Charlie. A lovely 15 year old girl from the Netherlands.

      2. Totally agree. When you see that your parents are the opposite model of a love relationship is difficult to belive in love. The good thing is that you have not repeated their behavior pattern.

    2. Dear Thirza,

      It´s lovely that you try to be strong for your mom but you have to remmember that you are only a 16 year-old girl who needs to enjoy more life like other persons of your age does.

      First of all, and even if it is hard to do, try to not be at home so much because the atmosphere I´m sure is tense. Now and then, take a walk or go to a place that makes you feel in peace whit yourself. Meet your friends and be open to de idea of meeting new people.

      Hugs and kisses!!!

      1. Thanks so Much Rumors but i’m 15 not 16 i turn 16. Dec 9 with my twinsister.
        Thanks so Much for your lovely comments but to be honest i have no friends at school. I dont why but ik very quiët in school and nobody notice me That i’m there. Even my teacher says: Oh Thirza i didn’t know you were on school haha :P
        I can’t Go out to do something else yeah i can walk with my dog.
        But it’s not easy to say i’m going there to bye.
        My parents dont aloud That. :( but i’m doing twice a week running with a club.
        And That do me good. I can’t clear my mind for a day and after it’s the Same.

        But Thanks for your Nice advice Rumors i really appreciate it ;D

        1. Thirza, I am so glad you feel you can write on the discussion board. As you say, many people go through hard things, and we can gain support from one another. You are not alone. I am glad you can get out to run and walk the dog. I spent a lot of time in high school going outside to walk and get away from the tension in my parents’ home, and it really helped me through what was a rough time.

          1. Thanks for your comment it really means alott to me.
            And yeah i can relief some stress trough singing and running it´s true you can clear your mind for awhile thanks for your support and nice comments it helps me alott thnx so much everyone. <3 :D

        2. I´m sure with time you will meet some wonderful people son more ir you do that kind of activities that you do.

          Take care, sweetie!!

          1. Thanks Rumors for commething.
            I really hope That i meet some wonderfull people i doubt it.
            Because people call me bad names like … Oh your so ugly.
            I hear it almost everyday you know i dont doubt it That i’m ugly because when you here something like That i start to believe it almost, and altough i never ever been invited on a Birthday or something else Maybe 2 Times in my 15 years That i live. And when i thought i was invited they ask me of i could give back there invitingcard for their Birthday so they wanted invited sombody else instead of me. They Said That right into my face. Sometimes i dont believe it anymore That sombody Would ever invite me to something. On school nobody wants me there you know i’m used to it’s ‘my life and it’s never gonna change.

            But wish me luck with my life right know it only sucks.
            But Thanks for your Nice comments ;D

  • Matthew you are fantastic and so much smarter.
    That woman is embarrassing to females. She is such a slut and really she will never end up in a happy relationship the route she’s taking. Yeah sex is great but it can quickly fade, but if two people have true love and respect for each other then it can last forever. So ignore what she says, she is such a bimbo. I saw her on the Today show with you and I wanted to slap her face.
    Seriously you are so smart and everything you say so far it makes sense. Please keep up your amazing efforts.
    I am such a huge fan and a lot of things you say I keep in mind when I do meet a guy. I wish you the very best in your future endeavors.
    Thank You and Best Regards!

  • I like that your answers are so right and unexpected, i agree with the crazy lady in only one point that you really understand us

  • Hi Matt

    I loved what you said on the Today show, particularly the answer regarding the viewer who was miserable in her marriage. You were spot on when you questioned her confidence and more importantly, I think, her self esteem. I think many of us can relate to her wanting to avoid confrontation because we’re afraid that our partner would leave if we have an opposing view to theirs. She needs, in my opinion, to work on her self esteem and her negative core beliefs after which she will feel strong enough to fight for her rights in a confident and assertive manner rather then being passive and allowing her husband to control her and their relationship.

    Just a note. I don’t know anything about her and she may be amazing at her job and have some valid points but I’m afraid E. Jene sounds as if she learned her her dating advice prior to emancipation. I think that your advice and words of wisdom are far more relevant to those dating in the 21st Century.

    Okay, that’s enough ego stroke for you :P.

    Take care

    Jo :) x

  • Oh my, what you said about core confidence touched my heart and is a huge help.
    Thank you Matt! You truly are a dear friend.
    Much love always

  • “If you can say it’s more detrimental to be in a relationship of pain than be alone…”

    Ok, fine, but, what if you can’t? To me, being alone is far worse than being in a relationship that’s not working as well as I might like.


    The women next to you have…no idea of what she is talking about. I´m sorry to say it and I wouldn´t do if she weren´t treat women like hookers, XDDDDDD.

    The good part of all this is that it´s fanny to see your faces of “oh, God, no”, “OMG” and so on.

  • Hi Matthew:

    I like what you said about core confidence, and have been following some of your writings about it. I just have a scenario and a question I’d like to present to you: I recently left a job at a nursing home where I was the social services director over an incident where I was told not to report abuse. Of course, I did what was right morally, legally, and ethically and reported it, and was retaliated against. Something similar has happened to me in the past on more than one occasion. I’ve always been one of those to speak up, especially for those who are “the least of these”, sometimes to my detriment. And I’m not saying I’m a saint myself, just can’t stand to see others abused. Any suggestions on how I can keep this situation from shaking my core confidence? I’m now jobless again and of course, fear is trying to rear its ugly head.

    Jobs, people and things are not what I base my confidence on, but having been through this now on more than one occasion, I am Definitely Shook Up. I’ve examined and psychoanalyzed my actions ad nauseum and don’t believe I’ve done anything “wrong”. Any advice?

    Thank you :)

    1. Carla, I feel like we’re twins split at birth. ;) You said exactly what I feel from similar past experiences. I think we’re doing the right thing, but we have to be tougher on the inside than most who wouldn’t speak up. Stay true to yourself and keep believing!

      1. Thank you Christy – I appreciate the encouragement! And it’s good to know I’m not the only one, my twin lol :) You hang in there too!

  • I love what you said in this interview. But what the heck was the lady sitting next to you talking about? LOL. Totally old vs new paradigm. Keep it up Matt, you’re helping women change for the better. Me for one :)

  • Matt you are ONE IN A TRILLION that’s a fact! That interview is amazing, you said very interesting things as always:) I would be happy if you share some more information about the topic for “if he has to pay for most or all of the nights out together” XXX


  • I think that the guys should definitely pay on the first date. I allow them to pay on the first 3 dates after that I offer to pay that way he knows that things are getting serious and that his worth investing in (whether it’s time or money).

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