What I Learned From Being An A**hole

Have you ever been frustrated with others, only to reflect on the situation and realise you were the one at fault?

Have you ever moaned or complained about something, only to realise you were being a hypocrite?

At a recent dinner party in Los Angeles, I committed the cardinal sin of conversation.

In this week’s video I want to tell that story.

Envisioning yourself being the centre of a room and holding court… This is how NOT to do it, followed by a few useful tips to get you back there.

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73 Replies to “What I Learned From Being An A**hole”

  • Wow, Matt, you’re not just a guru, you’re a mind reader. I heard something from someone I care about 2 days ago that made me quite uncomfortable, but I didn’t know what to make of it. Today, in less than 6 min. you made it all clear. Kudos!!! :D

  • it’s great that you’re learning from your mistakes. i like how you wonderfully turned it into a positive thing. i think that we all have made this mistake many times in our life and it can end a relationship between two partners !

  • Oh hi Matt!! Im excited to watch this video and share it with my girls, I just cant right now coz Im in the mall LOL! I just saw that you are commenting to people so ya I want you to know that we look up to you :) love you matt! Come back to the coldest place in the planet, Wpg!! Take care

  • Genuinely one of the most thought provoking videos I’ve ever watched, I always find myself thinking “why aren’t people interested in what I want to talk about” maybe I just need to sell it more!

  • How do I react to him being withdrawn and less loving? Just found out I’m pregnant and while we do love each other it’s hard that he never seems to recognize my feelings. Hes had a tough life and never thinks anyone can feel as down as him.

  • You know what I find interesting, after what seems a sincere and very articulated video of an event taken place, I saw via Facebook Matthew answering comments. Yet similar mistake are being made at this very moment as mentioned in the video. Where are the actual commented interest in THEIR stories? Sure they are interested in YOUR video subject, it might very well be an enlightening moment. Yet, thank you is just the easy out way in my opinion as being self absorbed in your own conversation.

    I’m not saying for every video but at least this where the subject matters seem to lend to caring about what others subject might be that day. Matthew your replys are simple and I’m sure sincere thank you’s to those with questions or specific commentary. Some with more stories I’ve yet to see (doesn’t mean you won’t) commentaries.

    I almost didn’t comment and be a silent observer like I usually am. When I’m not things get somewhat interesting but I found myself trying not to judge you to harshly by formulating an excuse like I guess it’s not easy to change bad habits even when you become self aware.

    I guess shouldn’t the lesson be extended to part of engaging in conversation no matter what medium. One must show more than a vested interest in a persons topic or the response is something as simple as handing you a “thank you” and passing you a beer. Cheers!

  • Hmmm…just wondering if the host would have considered that maybe you wouldn’t have wanted to talk about being a dating coach and having to give advice on your own time?

    Something that we could all learn from this experience, thanks for sharing.

  • Hey Matt, Recently I was at a bbq and it was lovely; however, the majority of the people who were there were married and brought their babies or toddlers and kids were running around ~~ and then there was me, the single one. I was talking to someone about movies and when I mentioned Bradley Cooper, she didn’t know who Bradley Cooper was, so I then realized I need to switch topics ~ so I switched over to “when do your kids go back to school?”. When I know I’m going to be at a party where I know the majority of the people are married bringing their kids, I always cringe a little because I’m never sure of what to talk about. Any advice?

    1. It is makes you feel better, I’m single and don’t know who Bradley Cooper is. I’m sure lots of these married people want to talk about something besides their kids but probably just need some motivation because that’s all they think they know

    2. Hi Maria, what you did was great! Some people may not always want to talk about their kids so even though the Bradley Cooper conversation didn’t go well, try bringing up something else so you’re not inclined to talk about kids the whole time. I am sure people will gravitate towards the conversation. Do what feels natural and if it backfires, then you’ll learn from it! :) X

  • I absolutely love your videos, not only because I get to look at you (you’re gorgeous- not sure if that’s a word to describe a handsome man oops #ESLPROBS) but I learn so much from them. Thank you for what you do and please tell me you will come to Miami one day :). Have a good one.

    Lots of love to you,


  • Love today’s topic Matt. I realized at times I do feel like people don’t talk about interesting topics, thank you for making me realize how ignorant I am, and that I should express interest and try and learn or take away some experience, wisdom or knowledge they may have on another subject. Will start practicing this asap!

    However, I do have a question that I hope you will address or maybe direct me to the video or something to address my question (new to the videos :) ) Following your advice I’ve been meeting all these guys (and they are great guys), and they have expressed interest in me; however, I just don’t seem to find any chemistry or attraction to them. Am I just being to picky? or am I attracting the wrong type of men? Please help me out.

    Thanks for your amazing insightful videos about love and life in general,


  • Matthew, I’ve just BEGUN to listen to ‘IMPACT.’ Haven’t had time yet to watch/listen to your video’s on this post.

    I am so grateful I spent my money on IMPACT. Because I know from previously purchasing your entire men program; you are a visionary and offer perspectives never thought of before.

    Being an animal rights activist before it was in ‘vogue,’ my reason for being on Mother Earth is to help, save and make it a safer place for animals. All the IMPACT I can gain from your program and brain; is needed to make the challenging changes for animal rights.

    Thank you for IMPACT!!!!!
    And knowing I get to watch this video and read Stephen’s newest article are extra benefits—icing on the cake.


    For the love of all animals,

  • Just watched this video. You ending towards the video on THE QUESTIONS to ask someone who is a server and all the variety of questions that I could ask him; and whenever you provide examples of conversation ‘provokers and connectors’ are most helpful!!!!!!!!!

    Exceptional learning video; as they always are.

    Thank you,

  • Thanks Matt, that is indeed very helpful and a thing that i could try out quickly. I sometimes have that with people that feel like i run out of questions or things to talk about and i used to always blame myself, that i’m to boring… But i know that this is only putting pressure on me and it would get even worse. I’m trying now to just relax in a conversation and just wait patiently until either my opponent or me will continue the conversation.

  • Dear, sweet, Matthew. While anyone would seem like a so-and-so by walking into a place and bragging about what they know without taking into consideration what the other person is thinking or feeling, please be assured that any worthwhile woman would love to listen to you prattle away about what you’ve been learning. This may not be something you need to be told…after all, you invented Brainal…but in case you haven’t been told a million times before, you’re basically the catch we’ve all been dreaming of.

    Tell me, do you get tired of so many women throwing themselves at you weekly?? How many proposals do you get at any given event? Per day? You must be flirted with every time you turn around! When are you coming to Dallas? Because I will be right there along with all of your other adoring fans, waiting for the moment you look my way, our eyes meet (and then meet again as I glace a second time to make sure you know what I mean), and we both feel that instant connection that says we were just meant to be together forever….

  • Thanks Matt I always relish watching your videos coz it’s so inspiring n easy to watch. I can tell u really want to help d other half of the population ^^ so thanks! I love how ur messages r about having standards n looking after yourself :-D xx

  • Dear Matthew,

    My name is Shachar and the reason I’m writing this letter is because I’m a 16.5 year-old girl who needs your help- you can say I’m desperate for it. I’ve watched your videos on YouTube and let me just say you’re a genius when it comes to what women feel when in love and you taught me a lot about men- the second I finished watching all of your work I know I had to contact you in hopes that you could help me, so here it goes…

    One of my best friends, Roni (girl), has a really cute cousin who’s younger than us- only a year difference so it isn’t creepy or anything. He’s so my type, and to say the least?
    I fell hard for him. He’s confident, big ego (like you said in your videos: man have their sense of worth), plays guitar which I find very attractive (and I’m currently learning too), very connected to music as much as I am (we even listen to the same artists), thinks so much like me, has a wonderful smile, gorgeous eyes and… I can go on and on!!
    I’ve met him a couple of times when I came over to Roni’s house (my friend), and he came over too- weather it’s sleeping over or just a visit. We started talking via WhatsApp and really connected. Each time I came to Roni’s house I could just feel the tension running through the air- and every time I looked at him he was already staring, which made my ego a little bigger too. He told me a liked me but he lives 2 hours (by train or car) and he had a relationship that didn’t go so well because of the distance. Time passed on and I’ve asked him out on a date and he agreed but there’s always something in the way, and we end up meeting each other only at Roni’s- so Roni invited me to her place for a movie (while he was at her house). I put my head on his chest and held his hand, without words, we even slept hugging each other. Since he lost his phone we talked via Facebook, but I’ve noticed throughout time that 99% of the time I’m the one who’s starting a conversation, and the problems in my head are expanding by the minute.

    Roni’s okay with me having a crush on her cousin, because she said she knows me and we’re really good together, she knows both of us really well. She’s very important in this story because she always does a “screenshot” of her conversations with him and sends me- and that’s where the problems began.
    No matter that he’s a year younger (I have no problem with that)- but the fact that he’s noticing the problem with the distance between our houses and the fact that I think he’s drifting away… I feel like I can’t let him go- if I do I’ll lose someone who I care deeply about.

    On the one hand, I want to keep in touch, talk, and converse, be a part of his life…
    On the other hand, I don’t want to seem pushy and desperate, start the conversation every time. Meanwhile, I’ve watched a video of yours called “How to get a man to call” and you are referring to a situation where two people are meeting and the girl wants his number or something- but in my case it’s a different thing- I have his number but he lost his phone while being with his family at the beach, so now the only thing I can do is send a Facebook message and hope for the best- but I still want him to participate.

    And finally, after I put you through all my problems- I wanted to say something about him. He lives 2 hours away which for me is manageable (my sister had a relationship for 2 years with someone who lived 3 hours away and it lasted for a long time). Moreover, as I understand from Roni (my friend), he has a lot of friends who are girls…
    that fact makes me wonder ‘am I good enough?’
    Because they’re his age, closer to him- I’m starting to think that maybe they’re better for him…
    I’m sorry for writing too much, for giving you a headache maybe- I just had to let it out… and I need your help! Please!
    I don’t know what to do or how to talk about what’s going on between us, how to move forward with this.

    Hope you reply soon,
    Really need your expert help,

  • Love all your videos and emails. So very insightful Matthew! Learning a lot. Recently finished your book and about to start ‘Impact’. Excited! :)

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