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15 Things I NEVER Hear Men Say Are Sexy In A Girlfriend (But Wish They Would)

Stephen Hussey

(Photo: Hamed Masoumi)

Dating advice is starting to irritate me more and more.

I’m so bored of reading about that ‘Irresistible First-Date Kiss That Will Keep Him Hooked Forever’.

I’m fed up of click-bait magazine articles telling women how to create a steamy night of passion by lighting a scented candle and whispering something into his ear about not wearing underwear, or wearing matching underwear, or whatever the party line on undergarment etiquette happens to be that week.

I’ve read enough about ‘Body Language That Tells You It’s True Love’ and ‘Sexy Positions He Secretly Wants His Girlfriend To Do In Bed’ to last a lifetime.

So I’ve decided to list of some of the sexiest traits I find in a woman that go beyond the usual magazine fodder.

Some are universal to all guys. Others are my own personal preferences. 

It’s not an exhaustive list, but these are the things I feel REALLY MATTER, the things that click in my head and set off my “she’s amazing, keep her!” alarm after a few months into dating.

15 Unconventionally Sexy Traits In The Woman I’d Love To Date

I’ve separated the specific traits into four general areas.

Put these traits all together and a girlfriend (at least to me) becomes so sexy – so incredibly attractive – she’s basically irreplaceable:

1. An Intelligent/Beautiful Mind

[*] A girlfriend with a rich intellectual life, who is engaged in lifelong learning and reads good books for pleasure (think One Hundred Years of Solitude rather than Fifty Shades Of Grey).

[*] A girlfriend who is genuinely open-minded about new experiences and is capable of changing her opinions, rather than the woman who thinks ‘open-minded’ means ‘believing in everything’, from the power of healing crystals to Dowsing.

[*]  A girlfriend who is a critical thinker and questions everything, embraces doubt, and isn’t dogmatic about her views.

2. Intimacy and Thoughtfulness

[*]  A girlfriend who learns my likes and dislikes and shows that she factors them into her decisions.

[*] A girlfriend who will hug me when I’ve been beaten up (emotionally) by everyone else instead of making me feel like less of a man for being vulnerable.

[*] A girlfriend who will let me hold her when she’s suffering without accusing me of being patronising. 

[*] A girlfriend who is a problem-solver and works out difficulties together. She doesn’t shut down or hide in moments of conflict.

[*] A girlfriend who tells me the truth without making me feel judged, and corrects me without making me feel like an inept, hopeless child.

3. Integrity and Rounded Character

[*] A girlfriend who decides for herself what is important for her mind to focus on, instead of parroting whatever her celebrity-filled twitter feed tells her is big news this week.

[*] A girlfriend who loves socialising for fun and enjoyment, not because she wants validation and attention.

[*] A girlfriend who can debate without turning it into an argument.

[*]  A girlfriend who adapts to situations. She can drink beer and play pool, go running together in the park, be elegant and charming at a dinner party, work on our laptops in the evening, and wear sweats and eat pizza when we relax on the weekend.

4. Long-Term Thinker

[*]  A girlfriend who invests in her long-term skills and potential instead of desperately trying to hold onto superficial things through her twenties/thirties/forties.

[*] A girlfriend who takes pride in being able to take care of her own life, and doesn’t secretly dream someone will come and fix it for her.

[*]  A girlfriend who builds a future she loves, instead of trying to recreate a past that is already behind her.

Dating advice tends to focus a hell of a lot of What To Do, and not much on Who You Are.

Tips and techniques are great – but relationships are really defined by what happens when the initial charm and best intentions of the first dates wear off, when people really start to see what lies behind the self you present to the rest of the world.

Want to keep a guy?

Forget lighting candles and wearing matching underwear. That’s just the neat, glossy cover that surrounds the book.

And nice covers are great. They are the icing on the cake. They look impressive when you show them off on your coffee table. It’s much more pleasing to have a book with a beautiful cover than an ugly one.

But it’s the rich content inside that makes you never want to put it down.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

What’s ONE thing you find sexy that you never hear people talk about? Leave a comment below!

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164 Replies to “15 Things I NEVER Hear Men Say Are Sexy In A Girlfriend (But Wish They Would)”

  • Hard working naturally talented men are the most sexy of all in which ever industry they work in. There is nothing more endearing than a knowledgeable man who is open to new ideas and converation too.

  • An intellectual mind for sure. When a man can carry on an (interesting) intellectual conversation; without coming across as arrogant or snooty–that’s better than foreplay for me!

      1. Thank you for your response Stephen! Why yes, perhaps the only thing sexier is a man with an accent (and) a fascinating mind :)

    1. I completely agree, Amber and Steve.

      What could two people do together if they can’t have a proper conversation? The typical couple life in the USA is go to work, come back, have dinner, watch tv. and make some kids. Like robots. Personally I am having really hard time finding people to talk to properly. People don’t seem to care about anything other than their own lives.

    2. “That’s better than foreplay for me!!”

      Hahahah that line was golden. Yes I agree it is so exciting and fun and thrilling when a Guy can stimulate you in that way without coming off as arrogant or snooty. Usually they come in a package you know?

        1. Agreed! He seems to have the whole “unique pairing” thing down to an art! I’m grateful to have stumbled upon his work. In the last few months, he’s shifted my perspective when it comes to dating and relationships so much. I don’t agree with everything he believes in or says, but I feel that for the most part he’s right on point.

      1. Haha, why thank you miss Lisa for your comment!
        Meeting men in general doesn’t seem to be an issue in my neck of the woods. Even meeting attractive men, no problem. BUT when it comes to meeting physically attractive men who are able to stimulate a woman mentally and emotionally…well…let’s just say there’s a reason I’m still single!
        Unfortunately, the area I live in is more or less a place where people come to settle. Or if they’re born here, they have no desire to leave. Even if they do want more, they don’t necessarily act upon it.
        Give me a man who is ambitious, speaks with passion and has the determination to follow his dreams…that man automatically becomes ten times more attractive than the good-looking, juice-head at the gym.
        Words can be seductive when used properly in terms of attracting someone. It’s possible to create more desire with suggestive language (both verbal and physical body language) than one does with physical intimacy. The guys around here try to move so fast into being physical or just jumping into a relationship! What happened to slowing things down, building tension and getting to know someone first?
        I feel like the best relationships are those that begin with friendship. Unless you can effectively communicate with someone, there’s really no point in taking it further.
        It’s like Matt says, you have to use the “sex and pizza” test! If after being physically intimate with someone, you find yourself wanting to keep them around to talk to and eat pizza with (and they feel the same way)…that guy right there is a keeper!

        1. Hey Amber!!

          Wow I really loved your Response, you communicate very clearly an Intelligent and Refreshing way just like Stephen. Your situation sounds very frustrating, where do you live by the way?

          I TOTALLY get where you’re coming from with that quality of Courageous Adventurousness you want in your Mate. Simply TALKING about your Dreams is one thing, but having the Balls, Sensibility, and Bravery to carry it out makes that Man 1000 times more Attractive. It’s like a Sign of Competency and True Masculinity that I really admire and respect, and it’s likely to reflect how much genuine Effort he’ll put into satisfying YOU in your Relationship too. So I hope you stand firm with these Highly Reasonable Standards, I can’t imagine you settling for anything less.

          Wow, it’s funny how you mentioned that Gym Obsessed Narcissist just now, I was rewatching Real World Paris last night and Christina said something SOO cool in a similar way about how she would take a Bruce Lee over an Arnold Schwarzeneggar anyday for the same reason.

          Her – “To have somebody who can really feel you and give you that Intellectual Stimulation I love so much, I’ll take that extra cut off the Superficial Muscles over someone who just comes Home everyday going, “look at how much I benched today baby, how awesome does my body look right now?”

          Like Her, I feel it speaks a great Deal about the Quality of your Character by how passionately you speak for what you want, I hope the Universe hears it and sets you up with your Best Fit who marches to the same Rhythm :0)

          1. Hello again Lisa! (by the way, totally enjoying our conversation here and connecting with you!)

            Thank you so much for the compliment and for your response as well! Loved what you said about a person having the “balls, sensibility and bravery” to carry out their dreams. Straight to the point without sugar-coating it, much like Matthew!

            Right now I’m located about an hour so away from Boston, where good-looking men with sexy accents aren’t difficult to find. I don’t know if it’s the fast pace of New England (or maybe the guys I’m attracting?) but “hook-up culture” seems rampant. There are some “rare birds” though, good guys with the best of intentions…and of course I’m not nearly as attracted to them as you might think I would be (how very masochistic of me, lol) How is the dating scene where you live?

            Oh I agree with you 100%! It’s a sure sign of competency. It takes a certain level of confidence to chase after your dreams and competence builds confidence. The two go hand in hand with dream chasing and most anything else in life. The combination of competence/confidence/ambition is sexy and masculine (when it falls into the right kind of man’s hands of course…in the wrong hands, it may be used for evil, haha, “Let the force NOT be strong with this one!”) And def agree it reflects the level of effort and follow through a man is willing to put forth in friendship/dating/relationship. That’s why I only date men with beards now, that shit takes patience to grow!

            And thank you for encouraging me to stick to my standards! I think it’s fantastic when we as women can life each other up like that! I hope you stick to your standards too, most certainly never settling for anything less.

            Oh my god, I LOVE that Real Word reference! I don’t watch the show myself, but what you’re talking about is completely relevant and relatable! And hey, Bruce Lee was a hottie! (his son Brandon was quite the looker too) I couldn’t stop laughing when I read what you wrote about the guy coming home and saying “hey baby, how does my body look now?” I actually know guys like that!

            The last part of your reply was written so eloquently woman! You have an intelligent and passionate way about writing as well. Thank you for being genuinely sincere about me meeting a man who truly is the best fit. He’s out there somewhere! I’m thankful though, for getting to weed through the contrast of what I don’t want (and won’t settle for) in the meantime. Such a learning process!

        2. Amber!!!

          What a Treat finding your Response in my Email today, it’s raining hard over here in SoCal so it was like coming Home to warm cup of Surprise Hot Chocolate :-) I live in Walnut, it’s a Subarb in LA with lots of Upper Middle Class Asians. Your ¨That’s why I only date Men with Beards from now on, cause that shit takes Patience to grow!!¨ Comment made me laugh so hard hahah. I just watched 50 Shades of Gray and LOVE how Jamie Dornan works his Irish Face Fuzz, if that’s the look you’re going after I totally support ya :0)

          Man Boston Accents are Hot!!I can see lots of Girls going Crazy over that mixed with the Sexy New England Muscles. You need more than just the Libido Rush though, just like that ¨I Can’t Get No Satisfaction¨ Song by Britney and the ¨Genie in a BOttle¨ on by Christina Aguilera hahah. I love that pointed out how you value the Slow Tension BUilding Process, I agree that that’s the most exciting Rush of all!! My Friend Greg said it best that the Buildup Fun is like Climbing a Tree for our Inner Child, there’s something really Magical and Exciting about the discovery and Exploring Process. It’s sad that most people in the Dating Scene nowadays want to zoom through that and skip straight to the Sex or Marriage Parts, I think there’s a Beauty in holding off on that stuff until your Trust and Attraction is fully cooked from All Angles.

          Yeah I say if Ambition and Brains is what you’re having the Hardest time finding, narrow your Manhunting Lasers to New York or crash the Company Picnics of those Fortune 500 Companies hahah. Let the Companies do the filtering for you :0)

          We could probably make a Movie Script out of that!! Film it over the Course of however long it takes like that Boyhood Project hahah. That way it can help you stay in Tune with Happily Enjoying the Journey too :0)

          Are you British by the way, or American?

  • A man who can stand on the red carpet and demurely step aside, when you are lucky enough to be in the spotlight. At the same time, someone who does not treat you like a little girl when you are down in the dumps and the spotlight seems far away. A man who accepts your complexity and values your magic.

    ps. Great article. I certainly do not live up to all the standards listed, but that is good, since you have given me fodder for more improvement. The sistine chapel of the self. *

    1. Love it, especially that “He accepts your Complexities and values your Magic” line. Wow that was truly beautiful

      Your humility is endearing as well. It takes a very strong Woman to admit what you did, so props to you

  • Weirdly, guys with this extreme – he may appear cocky first or at times, but shows a side which is caring and loving and “wanting to give back” to family and loved one’s. Amongst his confidence, letting his vulnerable side out, did it for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I dislike EXTREMES in everything, when something is TOO much I don’t feel attracted, but a keeper knows how to walk the perfect line.

  • there are certainly some things I need to work on according to that list, but I find it very hard to find someone who actually appreciates those qualities in a woman. Maybe it’s just that I have met the wrong people but this is really a very different view in a “perfect” girlfriend than the one I had thought men wish for. Great article!

    1. Yeah you made a strong point maybe of more Men were vocal about these Reasonably High Expectations then Women would strive to build themselves towards this direction you know? (i.e. spend more time reading, researching, and being tenderly supportive instead of shopping for Sex Toys and Weed to call it a night)

      I agree that this was an AWESOME Grand Slam quality piece. Although I will still probably check out 50 Shades of Gray in the Theatres though hahah. I am curious about that Christian dude’s Flashbacks

  • Great article :). So glad you mentioned Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ book. I also recomend Love in Time of Cholera. It’s a work of art :).
    It’s great to get a different perspective, thank you. :)

  • I have found it difficult to find men who think like you do Stephen. Though that could also say something about me.

    I have met very few but when i do find them even when they are not my relationship type i do treasure them.

    I have been single for about 10yrs. And its not from lack of interest from men but because i am trying to live my life and want the right person to complement it.

    My first long term BF was a great guy and left to him we would probably still be together but i found it difficult because hes an extrovert and im an introvert with extrovert tendancies (when i choose). Its taken me sometime to learn these things about myself, also why i didnt want to have another personality in my life until i knew more about me.

    I have recently started dating a really great guy and its been immensely helpful having spent time on my own.

    One thing i enjoy immensely about him is that i get stuck in my head often, im not fearful of things, im more over stimulated by my environment, and my guy, he just takes my hand and lets me know that hes right here for me. He’s a calming influence on my busy mind and adventerous and fun which are all things i really enjoy.

    Thank you for your article, it really does help share more views on the value women can have in a mans world.

  • Hi Steve,

    “But it’s the rich content inside that makes you never want to put it down.” What a great sentence.

    Here is one thing I find attractive that I never hear people talk about: A guy who doesn’t compromise his freedom for anybody. Women like to keep their guys away from any potential hook ups. But there is actually much deeper connection and attraction when you set people free. I find a guy, who is wanted by other women but recognizes only one woman among all, attractive. Because you know that even though he could choose to go with other girls, he comes back to you every time. What could feel more special than that? It doesn’t mean you are an option, it mean to him you are top notch. Now that is so hot! Same goes for both sides of course. When I show him that I choose him over other guys, it should make him feel special. And neither side should take it for granted. I wouldn’t compromise my freedom for anyone even in marriage, neither should my partner.

    I completely agree with you about the “click-bait magazine articles”. Bunch of Sex and the City style superficial crap. I am not sure “romance” and “being dirty” even go together. In romantic movies, they show couples who are so in love with each and they never give up on each other after so many years. Can you imagine those couples talking dirty in the bedroom? I can’t. I am talking about the real dirty talk, not just cliche “oh yeah baby do it” stuff. There might be some people who can write a love poem one day and turn into a sexual beast next day, but very very rare. If someone can manage both skillfully without mixing them, he is a hero.

    All the best

    1. i LOVED what you pointed out about how True Romance is about those Couples who are seperated for Years and still don’t give up on each Other. I used to be extremely moved by reading stories like that too in History Testimonial Books, I am glad there is someone else out there who values and respects that same Standard :0)

    2. i LOVED what you pointed out about how True Romance is about those Couples who are seperated for Years and still don’t give up on each Other. I used to be extremely moved by reading stories like that too in History Testimonial Books, I am glad there is someone else out there who values and respects that :0)

  • Well for me a guy will never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your two feet financially.
    Its like if a woman gives up their independence and becomes financially dependent on a man, she’ll have far fewer choices in life. She’ll end up at someone else’s back and call. She’ll be at someone else’s mercy. This is why a woman should maintain her independence. Her “pink slip” and a fill of ownership of herself.
    As long as you have the resources to choose your terms, you keep your pink slip and you keep your power. If you choose to leave, you can always grab a suitcase and go.
    This very independence makes him not want you to leave. The ability to choose the way you want to be treated = Dignity.

  • Wow, that was great. Bookmarked.
    One thing that I realized is super sexy once I grew up and got past the physical aspect of men, is genuine compassion. Believe it or not it’s not common in men. I’ve heard so many guys say that women seem to prefer assholes and I’m sure some do but many of us don’t. Assholes are rampant though and sweet, compassionate, thoughtful guys are endangered for lack of better wording. Another very important thing is ambition. Women have become very independent out of want but necessity too! I’ve been observing how pathetic “men” have become with no work ethic, playing video games all day, not taking care of their children, etc. I would like to procreate at some point and it doesn’t look promising haha. I understand struggle and hard times, setbacks but please have some drive. Strive to be successful. I can only speak for myself but I’d probably make some damn good, passionate love to a man with a huge heart and lots of ambition!

    1. Love it Chantal!! I totally agree with both of your points, they are hugely Underrated nowadays. Especially a Man with both, but that’s how you know when you find him that he’s a Limited Edition Gem to treasure forever :0)

  • Steve, this is how Bob Marley put it- similar to what you wrote. I think this is what we all want.

    “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more.

    You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

    When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

    They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

    Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

    There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

    The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

    Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all.

    A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face.

    In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

    Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

    You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

    You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible.

    You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.

    Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
    ― Bob Marley

  • you two brothers are amazing, I am addicted to your stuff. Love to meet you both one day.

    Please come to Australia Melbourne.. one day soon.

    Freshy xx

  • I find anonymous helpful deeds so sexy. Sending a family with small children a hundred note in the mail when you know they won’t be having a Christmas dinner or gifts for the kids that year without it…sexy as! And they’ll never know who sent it.

  • Steve this is awesome!! I loved it, especially how you broke it down to four specific parts (the long term Thinker one was what surprised and impressed me the most, thank you for sharing that. It was the perfect Cherry to top of an already deliciously satisfying Sundae :0) You are truly a Man of Class to have such rich and highly honorable Standards.

    I LOVE Men who read and don’t have disgustingly Trashy Habits (gossiping, picking on Strangers and ordering you to things in a ‘playful I’m just kidding around’ way) but to say something that wasn’t mentioned by you I would just say someone who is just an all around Medieval Respectful (fights off Bullies for the weak, holding himself to extremely high standards of Courage and Honor especially for his Princess or Queen)

    I’m an American and just found Matt on Youtube and I’m HOOKED on how addictively helpful he is. So are you, keep up the good work as a Team!!


    Senorita Lisa from the States :0)

  • Like this a lot Steve! I think 2015 is quite a difficult time for men in the sense that women can do it for themselves but would still LIKE to be cared for. So it’s finding the midpoint between being patronising (which actually I find men rarely are) and not being a gentleman at all. Different women want different approaches but how is a guy supposed to gage that?! BUT… some men just know how the modern man is to be charming as hell and make that balance work and they do it somehow and they stand out for it.

  • I think those qualities are really worthwhile for men and women. Can anyone really be all those things though? Thanks for the article. They are always interesting and valuable.

  • A forgiving heart is very sexy. When someone is truly sorry for a transgression a person who forgives readily and thourghly is sexy. We are all human and make mistakes. A person who can easily transcend a transgression, as long as it isn’t habitual, has a kind and loving heart. My philosophy is that God will only choose to forgive me as much as I chose to forgive others.

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