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15 Things I NEVER Hear Men Say Are Sexy In A Girlfriend (But Wish They Would)

Stephen Hussey

(Photo: Hamed Masoumi)

Dating advice is starting to irritate me more and more.

I’m so bored of reading about that ‘Irresistible First-Date Kiss That Will Keep Him Hooked Forever’.

I’m fed up of click-bait magazine articles telling women how to create a steamy night of passion by lighting a scented candle and whispering something into his ear about not wearing underwear, or wearing matching underwear, or whatever the party line on undergarment etiquette happens to be that week.

I’ve read enough about ‘Body Language That Tells You It’s True Love’ and ‘Sexy Positions He Secretly Wants His Girlfriend To Do In Bed’ to last a lifetime.

So I’ve decided to list of some of the sexiest traits I find in a woman that go beyond the usual magazine fodder.

Some are universal to all guys. Others are my own personal preferences. 

It’s not an exhaustive list, but these are the things I feel REALLY MATTER, the things that click in my head and set off my “she’s amazing, keep her!” alarm after a few months into dating.

15 Unconventionally Sexy Traits In The Woman I’d Love To Date

I’ve separated the specific traits into four general areas.

Put these traits all together and a girlfriend (at least to me) becomes so sexy – so incredibly attractive – she’s basically irreplaceable:

1. An Intelligent/Beautiful Mind

[*] A girlfriend with a rich intellectual life, who is engaged in lifelong learning and reads good books for pleasure (think One Hundred Years of Solitude rather than Fifty Shades Of Grey).

[*] A girlfriend who is genuinely open-minded about new experiences and is capable of changing her opinions, rather than the woman who thinks ‘open-minded’ means ‘believing in everything’, from the power of healing crystals to Dowsing.

[*]  A girlfriend who is a critical thinker and questions everything, embraces doubt, and isn’t dogmatic about her views.

2. Intimacy and Thoughtfulness

[*]  A girlfriend who learns my likes and dislikes and shows that she factors them into her decisions.

[*] A girlfriend who will hug me when I’ve been beaten up (emotionally) by everyone else instead of making me feel like less of a man for being vulnerable.

[*] A girlfriend who will let me hold her when she’s suffering without accusing me of being patronising. 

[*] A girlfriend who is a problem-solver and works out difficulties together. She doesn’t shut down or hide in moments of conflict.

[*] A girlfriend who tells me the truth without making me feel judged, and corrects me without making me feel like an inept, hopeless child.

3. Integrity and Rounded Character

[*] A girlfriend who decides for herself what is important for her mind to focus on, instead of parroting whatever her celebrity-filled twitter feed tells her is big news this week.

[*] A girlfriend who loves socialising for fun and enjoyment, not because she wants validation and attention.

[*] A girlfriend who can debate without turning it into an argument.

[*]  A girlfriend who adapts to situations. She can drink beer and play pool, go running together in the park, be elegant and charming at a dinner party, work on our laptops in the evening, and wear sweats and eat pizza when we relax on the weekend.

4. Long-Term Thinker

[*]  A girlfriend who invests in her long-term skills and potential instead of desperately trying to hold onto superficial things through her twenties/thirties/forties.

[*] A girlfriend who takes pride in being able to take care of her own life, and doesn’t secretly dream someone will come and fix it for her.

[*]  A girlfriend who builds a future she loves, instead of trying to recreate a past that is already behind her.

Dating advice tends to focus a hell of a lot of What To Do, and not much on Who You Are.

Tips and techniques are great – but relationships are really defined by what happens when the initial charm and best intentions of the first dates wear off, when people really start to see what lies behind the self you present to the rest of the world.

Want to keep a guy?

Forget lighting candles and wearing matching underwear. That’s just the neat, glossy cover that surrounds the book.

And nice covers are great. They are the icing on the cake. They look impressive when you show them off on your coffee table. It’s much more pleasing to have a book with a beautiful cover than an ugly one.

But it’s the rich content inside that makes you never want to put it down.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

What’s ONE thing you find sexy that you never hear people talk about? Leave a comment below!

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164 Replies to “15 Things I NEVER Hear Men Say Are Sexy In A Girlfriend (But Wish They Would)”

  • For me the most sexy thing is to see someone passionate about something-and it can be anything! Cooking, sport, books, instruments etc.. Not just liking what people do but getting the real passion is the most atractive thing ever!!! It is not really comon unfortunately in these days.

  • Excellent article Stephen. I also agree the typical advice is full of short-term attraction tactics. For me, what’s really sexy in a man, and essential in an ltr, is humility and compassion. A man who lives each day with the knowing that life is a mystery, we’re all forever learning and growing, so he embodies awareness, faithfulness in life and others, strong yet gentle disposition, and sees the beauty and value in each moment (even confusing or stressful ones). This is definitely my dream guy.

  • I like it when guys are high maintenance about something and get oddly particular about having to do something a certain way like work or attachment to possessions such as cars, video games, books, anything. Lego collection. I don’t know. It’s cute to see guys obsessing over anything

  • So, I’ve started periscoping about art, culture, and literature. Your list sort of reminded me of it. It’s something I’m super passionate about but I can brush off reading poetry and looking/reading my books about art, but periscope holds me accountable and gets me excited about it. It’s scary too, so I love that I’m pushing myself to be uncomfortable. Working on not saying “um” :) Love your list because I do like to look pretty but there is so much materialism. It’s nice to talk about depth. Xx Much love, Stephen. So happy for you with all your successes.

  • I find it really sexy when a super hot guy has no idea hes hot and hes comfortable in his own skin and can be himself without being snooty stuck up or superficial about it…theres nothing worse than a georgeous guy that has a black ugly bottomless pit for a soul.

  • I find it attractive when men pay attention to what is going on in the world and cares about what happens to other people.

  • For me personally it is kindness & intelligence; I couldn’t bear to be with a man who was say unkind to animals or rude to waiters. I also love it when a guy is smart and can understand and read people and situations and be generous in spirit to smooth things over and be compassionate for other people.

  • Oh, that’s me whom you would love to date, Stephen :D
    But to be serious, I am really glad that these things are valuable for someone and that makes me happy reading this. But thinking of my life experience, I understand that the most men of my age (23) are not thinking ahead, living only the emotions and desires they’re having here and now. That makes the art of woman you described here too complicated for them, and they prefer the ones who are just easy to get. And the older men don’t take the women like me serious because of the age, or what is worse, they expect you to be stupid and unexperienced to use it. When they find out you’re not like that, they lose their interest.

    What I would say I find important about man, what is not discussed often. As long as I’m living abroad and seeing the difference in people – in culture, life experience, ideas etc – I see that you can’t always understand someone for 100%. We are all different when we look at the things through the prism of our attitude. But what is important for me, is that the man would always understand my feelings.

  • This article made me so happy. I was smiling the whole time I was reading it because it is like you wrote it about me :D :D exept of books (and movies too. I like to read also easy stuff from time to time. Even 50 shades of Grey :D and I dont think it makes me a stupid person :)

  • Vulnerability…when a man is capable of letting down his guard in an attempt to allow a woman to get to know him. We all do our best to hide our wounds. And it’s such a sad thing because we all have them. I would much prefer for someone to share the hardships in life than constantly hide behind them. It shows emotional maturity and an intention to grow both in the relationship with me and himself.

  • The things I find sexy that I never hear people talk about: intelligence, integrity/character, compassion, sense of humor, confidence/being assertive, and passion for something. Thank you for writing this article! My mother always said that there were two kinds of beautiful. The first is superficial. Upon first glance, the person is extremely physically attractive but over time, you lose interest in this person because they become unappealing. The second type of beauty is deeper. The person may appear physically unattractive or average. However, as you get to know the person/their personality, this person becomes more beautiful/more appealing every day until you are deeply in love with them.

  • Women that want to offer that, even though they could adjust to stupidity if they only wanted to, are not this rare; it is just that they have figured out in this era of quick fixes and devaluing of anything deep, profound, lasting and real they should withdraw these assets from the market; unless they can spot, and be spotted, by an equally real Man. Than not too many words need to be wasted anyway.

    Thank you for shedding the light, dear Stephen. It is about time. Love, C.

  • Ha, this is great. Thank you for cutting through the nonsense! Of course there are some women who have read 100 years of solitude and fifty shades

  • More men need to seriously think about stuff like this. Most men I come across recently it seems like it’s all about initial attraction for them not about getting to know a woman inside and out. It’s a sad world we live for men to be this way. If there’s one guy I want to be with particularly but I can’t because I’m just not good enough for them in their eyes.

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