*WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE AND MAN TIED UP!*
Watch this video first, the whole way through, then check out my article below for why I think hidden within it is one of the most important lessons we can learn for our love lives.
I can’t remember a single relationship I’ve ever had which didn’t hurt at some point. The hurt that comes from an argument where things are said that are hard to take back. The hurt that comes from feeling jealous, feeling like I somehow wasn’t enough. The hurt that comes from missing someone when they go away, even for a day or two. The hurt that comes from worrying you might lose someone.
Even in the best relationships I’ve had there has been some element of pain, for a negative reason or a positive one. It didn’t matter. There was still pain. I’m guessing that you’re experiences of relationships have been the same. Because the fact is, relationships can create pain. In fact, they have the ability to create pain more than any other area.
So why on earth do we put ourselves through it? Are we just masochists who enjoy putting ourselves up for this time and time again? Or is there something more to it?
I have been meaning to put this video up for a long time. It’s from the film 44 inch chest. Not a very pretty film – although my East-End London roots always seem to give me a peculiar affinity with films that contain a bunch of East-End accents, no matter how violent they may be – but this particular scene caught my eye.
The context is that Ray Winstone’s character has kidnapped the man his wife was having an affair with. Now not all of us would go to the extent of kidnapping the person who had an affair with our partner, but we’d perhaps be lying if we said we wouldn’t want to! So in his emotional state he goes into a passionate monologue about the nature of marriage and relationships. Despite the violent context in which it is placed, and the coarse language with which it is peppered, I found it deeply touching.
Why?
Because it gives an accurate depiction of what even beautiful relationships sound like at the grittiest level.
The little things done for each other that often go unappreciated. The little smile that is appreciated more than anything else in the whole world. The moments where we go out of our way just to make the other person happy, where their approval is the only thing we could want for. The paradoxical situation of love being both ‘lovely’ and ‘murder’ at the same time.
No matter what we believe, relationships can be hard graft. That’s not to say they’re not effortless at times, but hard work goes into making a relationship stronger, just like it does in any other area of our life. This speech cuts through the fairytale that so many people are expecting when they get into a relationship. A fairytale that leads so many people to much pain with dashed expectations when their new reality doesn’t match the blueprint of how they thought it would be.
I truly believe that a huge number of relationships fail because of:
- The expectation that it’s somehow ‘supposed’ to be easy
- The unwillingness to put in the hard graft when met with the reality of the situation.
Funnily enough, despite all this hard work and ‘murder’ I would consider myself a true romantic. Not a romantic in the sense of everything being beautiful and effortless and ‘floaty’ the whole time…
But consider this – in order to do all of this we have to decide that there’s someone out there we deem to be worthy enough to put in all of that effort for. Someone who is worth the pain and hard moments. Choosing our partner is a big decision. We often rationalise that it is a big decision by talking about how much time we are going to be with that person. But the more I think about it the more I believe the part of that decision that really carries the most weight is the choosing of the person we are going to put in all of this hard work for. The person we are going to go on this journey with; whom we are going to endure this pain for.
Forget the flowers and the romantic crap. We are starting a journey with someone in our lives. Someone who has the power to hurt us or make us happy on a level that perhaps no one else can. And yet knowing that this person could have such a profound impact on our feelings for better or worse, we still willingly give them that power. We put our heart in their hands with the belief that on some level they deserve it, and that it’s going to work.
What could be more romantic than that?
Matthew x
P.S. I had an idea for this week – leave a comment below about what love means to you…
Let’s get some ideas flowing in this amazing little community we have!
I don’t know if it’s important to mention it. I’m 24 and i’m live in France. I’ve sent the long post below. ^^
I want to thank you Matthew because I learned a lot by watching your videos. You are a great help. I felt relieved when I learn things I didn’t understand about men. At the same time I learnt a lot about myself. I still learn and I won’t stop. I can grow indefinitely.
Someone said “it takes 10 years for a tree 100 years to make a human being”.
Some other say “don’t become an adult, grow. Growing up is undefined”
All the best
Laetitia
PS: I like the idea that my name means “joy”
Yours means “gift of God” :)
Love is to me, finding someone who talks about feelings and anything, both having a deep connection, understanding each other, just when when you know you both click with each other, and understand each other on a deeper level. Being a team, working together, and working on problems that arise. Where you can just lay there and talk, and feel and relax.
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Love is to feel that aching in your belly when you’re apart, the missing limb syndrome, where you feel physical pain not holding the subject of your love. When you can’t hold them close enough and worry about the moment you have to let go, because they have to go….it may all sounds a little idealistic, but to me it is what love feels like. It’s not just the honeymoon period, it’s ongoing. It’s the wanting to hold and kiss even after the most horrible fight, forgiving already whatever they did…Unconditional, loyal and caring to deeper level that is explainable.
p.s.: great clip ;)
Love is a feeling and a decision at the same time you make to cherish that person and stick by no matter what!
Love means:
-having a best friend and a lover all in one.
-laughing through embarrassing moments together.
-being the one call the ‘truce’ even when your pride begs you not to.
-immediately thinking of the other person when something awesome, or sad, or funny, or upsetting happens to you. Because that person will share the same level of emotion when they hear about it as if it happened to them, making them the best person to turn to for celebration or support.
-being wrong sometimes (even when you’re not).
-knowing there are going to be times when you’ll hate each other, yet knowing that’s ok because you love each other more and you have no doubt you’ll make it through the difficult time.
-actively & routinely doing things to make each others lives easier or better, even when it’s inconvenient.
-comfortable silences
-accepting that their needs may be different than yours and meeting their needs even if you don’t fully understand why it’s so important to them.
-having an insane amount of fun with each other.
-pulling the other person out of a grouchy mood with only a “look” and a smile.
-taking it upon yourself to reignite the spark when it dies.
Love is:
-A choice
the person who looks for & values the beautiful qualities & talents you have.The 1 who sees your short-comings as well as your potential who allows you 2 grow & explore. the 1 whose love grows stronger as u progress.
Love has many directions, shapes, colors, scents, and a stretch of time in it, yet it is never enough on its own sadly enough.
Love is something you practice every day (mostly in small moments that build trust), motivated by the feeling that you are in it together. That you have each other´s backs in the bigger picture.
love is that feeling you get when someone special smiles at you and you smile back so hard that your face starts to hurt, but you just cant stop smiling and if someone asked you why you wouldn’t be able to find the words to describe it because its something you feel on such a base level that your rational mind cant even begin to understand it.
I loved this video…so much tenderness shines through the grit!
It is actually quite sad how our expectations of love and romance have become tainted by fairy tale, “hearts and flowers”, pseudo-romantic crap, while this, in it’s rawness, cuts through to the essence.
If I were to try and summarise love I’d say (top of mind) respect, trust, acceptance, admiration…love should bring out the best in us.
p.s. one minor objection to the title of this post…”falling in love” is the easy part
I agree with everything you say in this post and yet it’s a tricky area. I was with a guy on and off for several years, in a relationship which, if someone hears about it, will elicit the reaction that I was crazy to put up with it for so long. Or crazy to get into it in the first place. There were some challenges from the beginning, regarding his ex and the child they hadn’t really worked out custody of yet (long story). There were signs all over the place that this was a bad idea, but I always thought, this is something I can work with; no one’s perfect, relationships take work, I can compromise and be flexible, etc. Things were rocky, but I figured I liked him enough to stick around and do the hard work needed to see us through to when things weren’t so rocky. But they were never going to get there. Partly cause I was the only one doing the work–though I only figured this out later; for a long time, I thought that I was just being supportive while he was going through a tough time, but what I was effectively doing was bending over backwards to allow him to treat me however he wanted (which is essentially what he was doing to his ex, come to think of it) with very little negative consequence for him.
It was hard work, and it was mostly thankless, and it was ultimately futile, and at the end of it I felt pretty stupid. I’ve gotten past that, and I’m not sorry about anything, but I hope I never fall into the trap again of thinking I’m doing the hard work of a relationship when what I’m really doing is enabling someone to treat me badly and spinning my wheels in a muddy rut.
There’s hard work and then there’s beating your head against a brick wall. May we all be granted the wisdom to know the difference.
Emily,
Pieces of this resonate so strongly for me! He stopped contributing even his paltry portion of the relationship-work, so I worked all the harder. (“For the children,” you know. His. Children…) Thank you for this validation.
“…what I’m really doing is enabling someone to treat me badly…”
Truth.
And “…bending over backwards to allow him to treat me however he wanted…with very little negative consequence to him.” Ouch! Love it, marvelous :)
We broke up almost 3 years ago. I catch a ream of excuses rolling around in my head these days, I reach into my Fussy Hussey treasure trove.
I am grateful…because of him, I set forth on a quest, to learn how I want to be loved. So I can then clearly communicate it, for with that knowledge comes also the requisite confidence to convey my truth & support my boundaries.
Bonne chance, ma belle!
What is written above is beautiful writing, poetics and it is heartfelt. Yes, love has to be created day by day as everything in this universe it stops to exist without that.
I trust true relationship is based on affinity (affection), common reality, good communication, admiration and HONESTY. (not mention here, but important one lack of it, gives the pain).
Falling in love is not love, it is just chemistry, important one to start and share it. But what if we meet somebodys chemistry when our love gets older? There is plenty of people to have chemistry with… Control and self discipline and responsibility for our decision is the answer. We can always meet somebody who seems to us new and more younger, beautiful, inteligent and funny. New will fade. Well, the right of choice is above responsibility.
But if you made choice by decision, and after you have change, change, change, you never really Have.
What is life partner more than a helper for life plus sex, rearing childern? Admiration. Yes, you can forget the flowers and the romantic crap but it is the decorations and ornaments in the game. It is showing interest and gives attention. Love – you can see it as exchange of admiration and sympathy. You have to create magic. The more seriously take the game the less chance to win. If only duties left? oh no..
For this reason people like to mate with others who has fun with, they instinctively know that. They know sane and healthy people smile.
In any game is the risk of injury and suffer,loss, in any area of life. Always are there some barriers to overcome and some rules and freedom.
Mr. Hussey you are a exquisit guy and wise one and you are loved by many because you have affinity, you can speak the way real to others and you have great communication and honesty as well. You give exchange in abundance, more than is expected and you deliver what is needed and wanted – you help women to be godess not doormates, to have self respect, to grow up ..it is why you are succesful gentle-man, Sir. Admiration. Maybe – love is the biggest secret of universe.:)
Everything I read here is beautifully true. I’ve had the honor and privelage to watch my own parents’ true love story unfold now for 50 years. It’s been incredibly hard work. But what they say is that they have gotten the chance to fall in love with one another again & again throughout their lives together. They have reinvented their relationship more than once & after 30 years had new wedding rings made & wrote new vows, recreating their commitment to one another based upon who they had grown to become. They have given me(and all they touch,) the incredible gift of seeing love in action. Their love has formed an incredible foundation for our family, and the life they have built together shows the fruits of their dedication to fulfilling their commitments to love through the ups and downs of life. They are not resigned. They are alive, healthy, joyful people & they give me faith that I too can find this kind of love & give everything I have to learning how to fully and truly love the man I give my heart and my life to. True enough- real relationship can be painful. But the reward of working through those painful places is finding love with one another once again. It takes courage, but from where I sit observing my parents, the reward is truly worth the hard work!!
Love is someone who won’t give up on you and will not stop fighting for you no matter how much or how hard you push them away because of fears or insecurities you have.
Exactly what you said, putting your heart in someone else’s hands, believing in them because you know they are the right one for you, even through hardships. Wanting to make them laugh and smile, wanting to spend your life with them because they just feel so right and perfect – no matter what!
Well my man is 40 yrs old n I’m 37 n he’s been cheating on me with a man we stay with n he cheated on me with a woman at the gathering of jugglos so he has a porn video so he tells me it’s not true he’s not cheating so I let it go n n he’s really crazy okay n he gets mad over stupid crap n sometimes I don’t make him mad someone else will but he says to me he need space he never has time to his self he’s always with me 24/7 so I tell him I can move out u was the one that ask me to move in with u n we been together for like two yrs now so he asked me to marry him we propose to me at the gathering of jugglos icp concerts were he cheated n he still lies n says it’s not him but I asked him to make love to me n he keeps saying he’s not in the mood or he’s old but we only have sex once a day sometimes two when ever he’s in the mood n yes I’m a kinky woman okay I buy some nice very sexy kinky toys n sexys night’s okay I even bought his favorite the wonder woman outfit okay so I roleplay with him n he does drugs I don’t do drugs he smokes weed everyday n when he don’t have his weed all hell breaks loss man he gets mad starts throwing stuff around but I told him I’m trying very hard here n he don’t work he tells me he don’t need to work he can use no arm vet man we stay with money so I told him look I love u but we need r own house n own car n Everytime I get a job n he tell me the pay check is for his weed n his lover no arms man liquor money so I stopped working bcaz I work hard to make better for us but he not ready