*WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE AND MAN TIED UP!*
Watch this video first, the whole way through, then check out my article below for why I think hidden within it is one of the most important lessons we can learn for our love lives.
I can’t remember a single relationship I’ve ever had which didn’t hurt at some point. The hurt that comes from an argument where things are said that are hard to take back. The hurt that comes from feeling jealous, feeling like I somehow wasn’t enough. The hurt that comes from missing someone when they go away, even for a day or two. The hurt that comes from worrying you might lose someone.
Even in the best relationships I’ve had there has been some element of pain, for a negative reason or a positive one. It didn’t matter. There was still pain. I’m guessing that you’re experiences of relationships have been the same. Because the fact is, relationships can create pain. In fact, they have the ability to create pain more than any other area.
So why on earth do we put ourselves through it? Are we just masochists who enjoy putting ourselves up for this time and time again? Or is there something more to it?
I have been meaning to put this video up for a long time. It’s from the film 44 inch chest. Not a very pretty film – although my East-End London roots always seem to give me a peculiar affinity with films that contain a bunch of East-End accents, no matter how violent they may be – but this particular scene caught my eye.
The context is that Ray Winstone’s character has kidnapped the man his wife was having an affair with. Now not all of us would go to the extent of kidnapping the person who had an affair with our partner, but we’d perhaps be lying if we said we wouldn’t want to! So in his emotional state he goes into a passionate monologue about the nature of marriage and relationships. Despite the violent context in which it is placed, and the coarse language with which it is peppered, I found it deeply touching.
Why?
Because it gives an accurate depiction of what even beautiful relationships sound like at the grittiest level.
The little things done for each other that often go unappreciated. The little smile that is appreciated more than anything else in the whole world. The moments where we go out of our way just to make the other person happy, where their approval is the only thing we could want for. The paradoxical situation of love being both ‘lovely’ and ‘murder’ at the same time.
No matter what we believe, relationships can be hard graft. That’s not to say they’re not effortless at times, but hard work goes into making a relationship stronger, just like it does in any other area of our life. This speech cuts through the fairytale that so many people are expecting when they get into a relationship. A fairytale that leads so many people to much pain with dashed expectations when their new reality doesn’t match the blueprint of how they thought it would be.
I truly believe that a huge number of relationships fail because of:
- The expectation that it’s somehow ‘supposed’ to be easy
- The unwillingness to put in the hard graft when met with the reality of the situation.
Funnily enough, despite all this hard work and ‘murder’ I would consider myself a true romantic. Not a romantic in the sense of everything being beautiful and effortless and ‘floaty’ the whole time…
But consider this – in order to do all of this we have to decide that there’s someone out there we deem to be worthy enough to put in all of that effort for. Someone who is worth the pain and hard moments. Choosing our partner is a big decision. We often rationalise that it is a big decision by talking about how much time we are going to be with that person. But the more I think about it the more I believe the part of that decision that really carries the most weight is the choosing of the person we are going to put in all of this hard work for. The person we are going to go on this journey with; whom we are going to endure this pain for.
Forget the flowers and the romantic crap. We are starting a journey with someone in our lives. Someone who has the power to hurt us or make us happy on a level that perhaps no one else can. And yet knowing that this person could have such a profound impact on our feelings for better or worse, we still willingly give them that power. We put our heart in their hands with the belief that on some level they deserve it, and that it’s going to work.
What could be more romantic than that?
Matthew x
P.S. I had an idea for this week – leave a comment below about what love means to you…
Let’s get some ideas flowing in this amazing little community we have!
Hi there! :)
I really do like this one, but I also wanted to say that parents should learn their kids to only approach to women when they are truly single. It hurts me every time when mans approach me when they are already married or have someone else. I really do hate this and I think that no one deserve this!
There’s also one guy that I met, he’s such a player (I didn’t date him). I took distance from him and I told him to back off. But he just don’t care about my feelings and hits me up every time (also other girls).. What’s their problem or is there a problem with me?
What love is mean to me?
Love is
1- purity
2- sutel dowen
3-safe and confedence
4- fast hart beeting
5- respect between two person and shearing live together
6- love is that both know the disadvantage of each other but even that they like it
Many say there is no such think as Happily ever after But there is just not Perfectly ever after.
Well done, Matthew! You hit the nail on the head! Completely accurate & thought-provoking!
Thanks for sharing your awesome insight, Matt. Always spot on. I love this. I cried.
What does love mean to me? It is Truth. Once it is found, it is like the sun. You can shut it out, but it is always there. Just like this clip, truth is not always pretty, and neither is love. But you will fight to keep it.
Love is Respect. It is consistently creating a deep level of emotional connection and interest in your relationship because you care intensely for that person. It is constance, perseverance, a commitment of the heart. Not just to the one you love, but to yourself. Most importantly to yourself. Ultimately, capturing REAL love comes from knowing who you are, deep down in your gut, and loving yourself, flaws and all. It is knowing and accepting your own flaws and faults, and not allowing them to stand in your way or to define who you are. It is respecting yourself, and trusting who you are as a woman (or a man). Being WHO you are, and learning to love yourself more than he loves you so that no matter what situation you may find yourself in, you can find happiness with or without him. Interestingly, when he feels you are happy, not only does he find you incredibly attractive, he feels amazing. He feels respected. A man translates respect into love, and when he feels respected, he wants to love you more. And you receive more love as a result. Understand a man, truly get him as a man, and he will drink hot lava and crawl over broken glass for you. Love grows and escalates with consistency and action (and that type of action too).
Lastly, but not in the least, REAL love withstands all things. It is literally greater than gravity. Real love is unconditional, yet the level of passion is conditional to how you feed it. It is a verb, and much more than just a feeling. Feelings wane, become misplaced and sometimes are lost. But Love withstands time, distance and death. Even when the passion has long since gone, real love will exist. Love has the power and capacity to grow deeper, stronger, to be all consuming. To quote Merlin in Disney’s The Sword in the Stone, love is indeed, “the greatest force on Earth.”
May I ask which movie the clip was from?
“A Walk to Remember” :)
Love is like a wind, you cant see it but you can feel it.
well, i took that from a movie. Because honestly, being in my late 20s I still havent experienced the feeling of being in love…But i know it when it happens i m sure :)
Matthew, Would you marry me? haha
This is beautiful!
Matt. Thanks for all the amazing videos and articles. Also I went to the women’s weekend course last week in London and it was amazing!! I have an awesome new set of friendsnow and we’ve created a happy hour group.
For me love is an emotion and attachment to someone which means you are always missing them every second of the day. You would do anything for that person. It adds an element of sweetness into you life.
Hello Matt.
I’m only just 19 and yes I have a lot to learn and a lot of life to experience but hear me out.
Love to me is always wanting to make yourself better because the person you love deserves the best from you. Love is knowing they are holding your heart essentially and that they either make your beat to their’s or they could crush it and hurt you but giving that ultimate trust and hoping for the best. Love to me is even if you have an argument with them and you are angry with them you can’t help but smile because you thought of a smile or something reminded you of them and you are no longer angry at them as much but they become the reason you smile. At the end of the day you can not imaging your future with out them whether near or far. And even getting a simple hello from them and it brightens your day. Love to me is compromise from both you and him /her, faith, effort, trust and communication. That you are both on the same page to the point it becomes more then needing words to say it.
That is what love is to me but honesty love it not knowing what will happen but having a feeling it will be fine. :)
I just purchased your book a few days ago & have been reading through it as well as the associated videos. I’m so impressed – you’re such a young guy to have so much insight into the nature of people, both men & women. Everything you say rings true so far & you seem very genuine. Thank you for your passion to help others & for being open & honest about your experiences.
–37 from Dallas
This was deeply touching, and I learned so much. Thank you so very much Matt for sharing this, it’s so valuable
For me, love is being given the energy to do anything for and/or with your partner. It is a new vision, a mouthful of confidence !
For me, love is when a man sacrifices his time, his job and his selfishness for me. I just once met a man like than, but I deflected him by my fear.
Sacrifices his job for you??
It’s enormous that you are getting ideas from this article
as well ass from our argument made at this time.
A wise person once told me,”Love is what you do, not what you say.”
Thanks, Silivia. That´s great wisdom.
condensed wisdom…so true!
Un monumental remerciement au cr
I’ve read this article over n over again. And I’m understanding it more n more, bit by bit. The problem is the person i thought is worth doing things for; situation seems like im just deceiving myself that he is the one. Anyway Thanks Matt. Love ur writing :)
Love is not quantifiable. It is as unique and individual as the couple who come together to create it. But it is so much more than this. It is the force that drives us to face the world with hope and courage. It compels us to feel compassion for others and to care. It can make us laugh and it can reduce us to tears. It can hurt but it can also heal. Love is wonderful – wherever you go and whatever you do “do it with love”
I’m learning about love, relationship, communication by myself, by reading books and by watching videos and I do realise a really important thing. The only person that can make me happy and hurt me is …MYSELF.
I’m 100% responsible of my feelings, my state of mind or my choices, good or bad. I can chose to react or to respond to a situation. It’s in my power to change my mindset. It’s simple, not easy. We need to pratice.
The second thing I learn about is that we are not responsible for the mood, thoughts, actions, choices of others. When people feels responsible about someone’s feelings, they feel guilty. It’s like they are carrying a burden, so they try to fix the situation and if they don’t they become angry, sad or whatever you can imagine in this situation.
I tried to explain to my mother, to my friend that when I’m in a bad mood it has nothing to do with them.
I know that when I feel hurt, unsafe or in a bad mood I chose to be in this state, even if it’s unconscious, because I accepted that the situation or the person have power over me.
I really understood it when I read the book written by Marshall Rosenberg about the Non violent-Communication.
I really think it is a big help in all relationship, same for the relationship we have with ourselves.
I want a deeper relation with myself and with others and I understand that it requires good communication, patience and time.