After a breakup, a lot of us know we should go “no contact,” but then all sorts of sneaky questions start to pop into our heads and everything becomes a “What if . . .” 

What if . . .

• It’s their birthday?
  • They’re going through a hard time?
  • I run into them?
  • They reach out?
  • I find out they really miss me?
  • “No contact” isn’t possible?
• I believe deep down that we’re meant to be together?
  
  In today’s new video, I answer 7 of your top questions about going “no contact” so you know exactly what to do during the breakup. 

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Matthew Hussey:

In a breakup, especially when we have lost someone that we love and wanted a future with, our instincts can work against us. They can make us chase that person, text them, call them, do anything we can to keep them in our lives. But these things weaken us at precisely the time we need to stay strong and emotionally healthy.

Enter the “no contact rule”.

The “no contact rule” is essentially the period of time over which we decide having no contact is for the best when it comes to our ex. And this has two positive effects.

The first one is it actually gives us a chance at recovering without constantly reopening the wound by communicating with this person.

The second big effect that it can have—though this isn’t why we should do it—is that it actually makes the person realize what they’ve lost. If someone is continuously in contact with us, they never feel the effects of the breakup that they instigated.

Now, you may be wondering, How long should I go no contact for?

Look, I don’t think there’s any hard and fast rule, and I don’t think you should trust someone who says exactly the amount of time that you should go for. But as a recommendation, giving yourself a clear month after the breakup to have no contact with a person is a pretty good bet.

So, let’s focus on the next 30 days.

Now, what I know from coaching people in this area for nearly two decades of my life is that there are moments where it gets confusing and complicated, and you don’t know what to do. So, I want to break down for you when it’s okay to break the “no contact rule” and when it’s not.

By the way, before we get into these scenarios, if this video is resonating with you, it’s probably because you’re going through a heartbreak right now.

And if you are, I want to tell you that what I’m doing here in this video is taken from a much bigger masterclass that I’m doing this coming Tuesday, live, with people from all over the world, called How to Heal from Heartbreak.

It’s free. I’m going to be there giving you my help—everything I’ve learned—live.

I’m only going to be doing it once, and I want to invite you to come and join us. It’s a great way to continue the progress that you’re going to get in this video in a much more profound way.

You can sign up for free by going to LoveLifeTraining.com. It’ll take you 10 seconds, and I’ll send you a link by email so that you can join us on the day on Tuesday.

It’s happening at 11 a.m. Pacific Time. So, make time in your diary, and I will see you there.

Scenario number one: Should you break the “no contact rule” when it’s their birthday?

In the next 30 days, their birthday is coming up, and you find yourself asking the question, What do I do? It’s their birthday. Do I text them? Do I not text them? We were together for so long. Am I really not going to text them on their birthday?

Yes, that’s exactly what you’re going to do. You’re not going to text them on their birthday.

If someone broke up with you, if you’re no longer with them, then what right do they have to get a text from you on their birthday?

And you might be thinking to yourself, But I feel bad. It’s their birthday. But it doesn’t matter. You’re not the only person in the world who’s capable of texting them on their birthday.

And you also have to suspect yourself—why is it you really want to text them happy birthday? Is it because it’s their birthday, or is it because it feels like a legitimate excuse to reach out to them and break the “no contact rule”?

Hmm.

Remember, they need to feel the loss of you. If they are even to realize what they’ve lost, they have to actually experience loss. And they’re not going to feel it if every birthday, or Christmas, or pancake day, they get a message from you reminding them of your favorite times together at the Waffle House.

Scenario number two: Should you break the “no contact rule” in tragedy and hard times?

Firstly, if you were dating for two months someone eventually said, I’m just not ready for a relationship, and then, you know, their cat dies—that’s not for you to write to them and console them and say how sorry you are.

They’re not that big of a deal in your life. They’re someone who you dated for a minute, and they didn’t want a relationship.

If you’ve been with someone for three years and you had an extremely deep and meaningful, loving relationship, and then someone dies in their family—by all means, reach out to them and say how sorry you are and that you are thinking of them. That’s a kind and loving thing to do.

And you don’t have to compromise on your standards for kindness simply because you have broken up, especially when it comes to something as big as that.

But what if you lose someone or you go through some kind of tragedy, and you want to reach out to them?

You have to ask yourself: Is this really a good move for my mental health?

Even if it offers me some initial comfort to get close to someone who has loved me in the past or shown support in the past, is this really someone I can rely on for support going forward?

Are they going to be there next week, and the week after that, and the week after that?

And even if they are, has anything really changed?

Or is this just going to reopen a wound with someone whose stance remains the same on whether they want to be with me, adding a further complication and more grief to a situation where you’re already in pain?

One of the most beautiful things that happens to us in dark times in our life is that we can actually find new support systems in people who show up for us in those times.

But we can’t benefit from new support systems if we keep going back to the old ones.

So, though you may be tempted to reach back out to them, the best thing you can do is find support in the people who can durably be in your life.

Scenario number three: Should you break the “no contact rule” when you hear on the old grapevine that they miss you?

There’s a very common scenario where you’ll be hanging out with a friend of yours—or even a friend of theirs—and some perhaps well-meaning friend who knows you both says, You know, they’re not doing so great without you. You know, I mean, just between you and me, they miss you a lot.

When someone says something like this, it messes us up because, in our mind, we’re like, Well, if they miss me, maybe they’re just too afraid to reach out to me. Maybe I know they are always so prideful. I know that about them because I know them so well. You know, they just don’t want to reach out to me and get over themselves in that way. Maybe they need me to reach out to them. Maybe I should reach out to them. Maybe I should just give them a call and check in and let them know how much I’m missing them.

In these moments, we are not taking the facts of the way this person is actually behaving in relation to us.

We’re not taking the facts of how much our ex is actually reaching out or telling us that they want us, or that they’ve changed their mind.

We’re simply listening to hearsay.

In a court of law, hearsay doesn’t stand up.

I don’t know this from having any kind of legal practice, let’s be honest, but I’ve seen the shows. I’ve seen the movies.

We all have.

You know the moment where you have the judge and the prosecutor and the defendant, and the prosecutor says, You know, there was a thing, and this so-and-so said this, and the defendant says, Objection, Your Honor! Hearsay!

And the court says, Overruled.

I think . . . does he say overruled?

I think he says overruled.

Overruled.

So now, imagine that you’re with your friend, and your friend says, You know, they miss you. I think they’re having a really hard time without you.

I want you to stand up in that coffee shop, smash your fist through your oat milk flat white, and say,

“Objection, Your Honor! Hearsay!”

That doesn’t get admitted into the notes.

I’m not acting on that.

Just because you say that they’re missing me or whatever, it doesn’t mean anything to me.

Are they saying they miss me?

Are they giving me a call and saying they’re having second thoughts?

No?

Then quiet in my courtroom.

The bottom line is, don’t listen to what your friends are saying.

The only thing that actually matters in relation to the no contact period is what your ex actually does.

If they don’t do anything, there’s no reason for contact.

Number four: Should you break the “no contact rule” when you bump into them?

This is a really hard one. You find yourself in a situation where you didn’t expect to see them, and now you have.

Your stomach is in knots. Your adrenaline is up. You feel like you’re breaking out in a cold sweat.

You want to be perfect in that moment. It never feels like we’re perfect in that moment. And then you leave. And you leave confused and with the wound having been reopened.

What do you do? Do you reach out to them?

The answer is, if they haven’t reached out to you, no.

Why initiate with someone who hasn’t initiated with you when they’re the one who originally said they don’t want to be together? So if they don’t reach out, you don’t reach out.

But can you break the “no contact rule” if they reach out?

If they text you afterward and say, Hey, it was great seeing you. You looked great. I miss you. It would be great to see you sometime, what do you say then?

Well, you don’t have to ghost them, but you have to be very clear in your standards here.

You can say, I miss you too, but nothing has changed.

Yeah, it would be lovely to see you, but nothing has changed.

When you say these things, you’re being authentic. You’re not pretending that you don’t have any feelings and that you’re doing perfectly without them. But you’re also saying, No amount of missing you is going to make me steamroll my own standards and my self-respect to see someone who actually fundamentally doesn’t want me.

I miss you, but nothing has changed.

That is a closed message that sends a very clear signal to someone: Either you’ve changed your mind, or I’m not interested.

Number five: What do you do in the scenario where no contact is impossible?

Maybe you’re raising children with this person.

Maybe there’s paperwork to be handled, either in the situation of a divorce or in the situation of selling a house or closing down a business together.

What do you do then?

We have to take the view, firstly, that there’s a kind of radical acceptance, a radical surrender that is needed in a situation where we must have some contact with this person.

It will be a source of massive unhappiness to us if, internally, we continue to resist what is.

What is—is that I must have some contact with this person for the sake of my children. We share custody. I have to have contact in terms of arranging when they pick the kids up, when I do, etc.

But what we can do is say, Outside of that, I should limit any communication I have with this person to the bare essentials. And no more.

When I drop the kids off, I don’t have to stay. I don’t have to make small talk. It can just be about that moment.

I can still be pleasant. I can still be kind. I can still be my best self—because it makes sense to be in that situation and not to create antagonism.

But outside of that, I am going to focus on expanding the rest of my life.

And that even comes down to the message you communicate to friends and family members, who you may say, Hey, I know that my ex is still in my life in this capacity because they have to be, but I don’t want them to be a topic of conversation anymore.

So ask me about any part of my life except them.

Because the truth is, I’m only containing the amount I have to think about them to the moments that I need to deal with them.

Outside of that, I am growing and expanding my life aggressively in new directions.

Number six: Can you break the “no contact rule” when they reach out to you?

Now, this is probably one of the most common things that happens during the no contact period. Someone texts you, and you don’t know what to do.

It feels so tempting to text them back. It feels so good that they’re thinking of you.

But remember what we said before:

Someone saying, I miss you or I’m thinking of you does not constitute them saying, I’ve changed my mind about wanting to be with you.

So what I said before still stands in this situation.

Someone says, I miss you.

You say, I miss you too, but nothing has changed.

Now, if they continue to message you after that, that’s where I want you to get a little productively angry.

Because now, they’re not just showing they’re thinking about you.

They’re showing they don’t care about you.

They don’t care about what’s good for your mental health. They don’t care that they’re completely disobeying what you have said to them about not wanting to meet up or to have communication if nothing has changed.

It’s all about them.

And that can make you mad—in a good way.

That mad can give you strength.

It can also make you lose a little respect for them.

Because this person that you care about so much—who you think cares about you—is showing you that they’re not actually doing what’s in your best interests.

Number seven: Should you break the “no contact rule” when, deep in your bones, you know that this person is for you?

You think that you are supposed to be together, that they do not understand what they are losing, and that you must tell them, or you will not be able to ever sleep again.

This is a moment where you can break the “no contact rule.” But I have a couple of extremely important caveats.

The first is that it cannot be done from a place of weakness. It must be done—if it is to truly land—from a place of strength.

The way that you do that is by already having gone no contact before you do it.

So, what you can’t do is call someone every day for seven days after a breakup and then, on the eighth day, say this and expect it to have any real impact.

The impact is the contrast of someone genuinely feeling the loss of you in their life and then, after a period of weeks, getting a phone call from you—this shouldn’t be a text, it should be a phone call. Getting a phone call from you, saying what you want to say.

So, there has to be a period of genuine no contact first.

The second thing is that when you do this, it has to be offense, not defense.

This is not you going in to beg or try to convince—this is you going in to say your piece.

And it might sound something like this:

“Hey, look, you’ve made this decision. I have done a lot of thinking, and I am ready to move on with my life. And I can do that, and I will do that. But I wouldn’t be happy with myself if I didn’t tell you that I think what we have is extraordinary and rare—a kind of love that people don’t get many shots at in their lifetime.

I think that it is a mistake for us to break up, but that’s only true if you feel it too. Either you know what I’m saying is true and you feel that there is something worth fighting for here, or you don’t. And if you don’t, from the moment I put down this phone, I will begin moving on with my life.

But I needed—for me—to say this to you.”

Now, what you’re doing when you do this is you’re giving yourself closure. You’ll be able to sleep at night because you said what you really feel.

You didn’t say it from a place of weakness—you said it from a place of strength, in a targeted strike.

It’s not something you’re going to say again tomorrow, or next week, or next month. But it’s something you wanted them to know. And by doing so, you give yourself a completely different level of closure.

And when you broke the “no contact rule”, you did it from a position of strength.

Now, if you’ve watched this video and you feel like it has made practical distinctions that you don’t hear anywhere else, I have two things I want you to do.

Firstly, leave me a comment and let me know what you thought of it—what resonated the most.

Secondly, go to LoveLifeTraining.com and sign up for free to the event I’m doing on Tuesday—because you haven’t seen anything yet.

That is going to be a powerful training for anyone who is heartbroken.

Send the link LoveLifeTraining.com to your friends, your family, anyone you know who is in pain right now.

Whether they’re going through a fresh heartbreak or whether the heartbreak is one that’s years old that they still can’t seem to move on from—tell them to come.

I promise you, there’s going to be something in this masterclass for everyone.

It’s called How to Heal from Heartbreak, and it’s going to be an amazing event.

So, sign up now.

Thank you for watching this video, and I will see you Tuesday.