Is It Weird I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend?

When something negative happens frequently in our lives, we can start to believe it’s our reality.

In this week’s video, I wanted to show you how to break negative patterns and rewrite the narrative you’ve been telling yourself. 

What are some of the stories you’ve told yourself in the past? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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What else? Let’s see. I’m 24. Is it weird I’ve never had a boyfriend? No, I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s your path. Well, firstly, is there such a thing as a path that’s not got some weirdness to it? We’ve all got something. It just feels like it’s easy to compare yourself to other people who have had boyfriends, friends of yours who have had more experience in that department and feel like you are behind. But what does behind really mean? We all have growth spurts at different times in life.

One of my heroes, Anthony Bourdain was penniless in his thirties and then made it in his . . . He wrote a bestselling book in his mid-forties and then had this unbelievable career trajectory in his fifties. So you can look at any aspect of life, whether it’s career or relationships and say what does it mean to be behind? We all go through growth spurts at different ages. We all put wisdom to use at different stages.

So you’re 24 and you haven’t had a boyfriend. You can play catch up on that anytime you like. Go meet people, be curious, be open to what could happen and don’t overvalue your story. If you go into speaking with a guy and you’re like, “I just feel like you should know, I’ve never had a boyfriend,” then it’s going to feel like a big deal. But if you wear it lightly and don’t feel like it’s such a big deal. If you just go into it saying, yeah, I haven’t had a boyfriend, but that’s fun. It’s new to me and you can even acknowledge that. And in your next relationship, when you make mistakes, you can be like, I’m still learning. Be humble about that. That can be an enjoyable thing.

And Lydia says, “I’m 29 and have never had one.” And that’s okay too. Again, the more time passes with something, the more . . . Here’s what’s interesting about our story in general, right? And it doesn’t matter. You could have the I’m 29 and have never had a boyfriend or you could be I’m 35 and every person I’ve ever been with has cheated on me. Whatever your path is or whatever your story is, the danger when something has been going a certain way for us . . . For example, there’s a lot of people that come to me and say, “Matt, I can never get someone past date three.” Or, “I go on the first date and it never turns into more.” Or, “I see guys, but they never commit to me for a relationship.”

The problem when something happens consistently in our life is that we start to develop this very ingrained story around that thing. We start to believe that that’s just reality for us and that’s a very dangerous place to be. Because once you’ve decided this is me, you really identify with that. And there are things that you used to believe about yourself that you no longer identify with, or you realize were ridiculous. It was just a pattern that you’d got in. But the problem is once we start getting in a pattern, there’s a part of what we do. If you take a woman or a man who consistently chooses bad partners, on one hand you can say, “Oh, they’re doing that because of low self-esteem.” And that’s kind of the typical thing that happens is everyone goes, “It’s a self-esteem issue.”

Now part of that is true. Part of it could be that he or she is choosing partners who don’t treat them well because they don’t believe they’re worth more. So they keep allowing someone to treat them poorly and they don’t see that as a red flag or a sign that they should leave. They see it as a sign that they should try harder, that they should give more, or that they should just be more accommodating or that they continuously think they’re going to change someone. So these are self-esteem issues, but there’s also a side to it that’s not to do with confidence, but it’s to do with just doing what we know.



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In life we tend to gravitate towards what we know. If what you know is a certain kind of person and that’s therefore the person that you tend to gravitate towards, then you keep going for that person because it’s just what you know. And what we know gets more and more ingrained in life to the point where we don’t even ealize that what we’re doing isn’t everybody else’s common experience. We just think that that’s normal.

I know someone who, when she was dating a friend of mine, she found that he was a kind person and the person she’d been with before that was not kind to her. And she was telling her mum about this person going, “He’s really nice. He’s so nice.” And her mom said, “Yeah, that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to be like that.” And the funny thing is, you’d say “God, how could someone be misguided about something that feels so kind of obvious that you should be with someone who’s nice to you?” But for her at that stage, it wasn’t obvious to her. What she had experienced was the opposite to that and she’d come to just know that.

So even just this situation where someone was being nice to her was something that in the beginning, even though it felt good, it was actually uncomfortable. And when something’s uncomfortable to us, we can run away from it. We can get scared. It’s just not what we know. So whenever we’re trying to break a pattern, there’s a confidence element to it but there’s also just a getting used to something different. And when we’re getting used to something different, sometimes we don’t really believe that that different thing exists.

If you haven’t had a boyfriend for years, you may not believe that that exists for you. If you’ve never been with someone who doesn’t cheat on you, you may not believe that people who don’t cheat exist. If you’re not used to being around people who treat you well or with kindness, then you may not believe that that really exists. I have this fundamental belief. Jameson, I think, which you do a video about this. That what’s needed when we change a pattern, especially when it involves our beliefs about other people, is not to suddenly start trusting or believing differently because actually that’s incredibly difficult. Just believing that the opposite of what we’ve always experienced exists is actually a very difficult thing to do. And I find it quite insulting when self-development literature suggests that you just have to believe.

If you’ve always been cheated on, if you’ve always been lied to, you just have to believe that something better is out there for you. Well, that’s a hard thing to do if you’ve never experienced it. If your reference points say otherwise. I don’t necessarily believe that you have to just trust that something else is out there. I believe the gateway to new beliefs is curiosity. That we need to get curious about experiences that are different from the experiences we’ve had so far in our life.

If you’re a really jealous person and you are wanting to be less jealous in general, then find a friend of yours who’s in a successful relationship where you admire the relationship, but your friend isn’t jealous like you are. And talk to your friend about it. Wait, when he or she did that, that would normally make me jealous, but it didn’t seem to make you jealous. How do you deal with that? And listen to their belief system. Be curious about the way that they think about jealousy and what you’ll hear is a different set of ideas than the ones you’ve trained yourself or your past, your trauma, your parents, your early relationships that you’ve watched have trained you to believe. They will have a different paradigm for jealousy and it’s by observing somebody else’s paradigm with curiosity, that we start to develop a new one for ourselves.

We also want to get curious about new results. If we go on a date and it . . . Get curious. What happens if I go on this date with a different kind of energy? Let me get curious about the result that that brings. What happens if, normally on a date I just go really quiet and I leave it to the other person to reach out to me. Well, what happens if I was a little more bold and invited them on another date or reached out to them and said, “I had a great time,” and didn’t just wait for them? We need to get curious about what happens if we change our behavior.

We need to get curious if we change . . . What happens if we bring a different energy? If we break our normal pattern, because we don’t realize how many different realities there are available to us, how many different ways of living there are. How many different responses we can elicit from people if we start to shift things about the way we do things or what we believe. But it takes curiosity to do that. Not belief, curiosity.



Do you want to change your life? Go to this video now. Immediately right now. Because you want to be happy enough that you don’t settle for the wrong thing. 



You want to be happy enough that if you find the right thing, but that person ends up treating you badly you can walk away from it.

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12 Replies to “Is It Weird I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend?”

  • Hi Matt

    Ty for the video. On my way to church, but took the time to listen to it. In my case, I see handsome guys all the time at the gym and at church. But most are already taken. But out those available, theres only one or two that are consistently kind and not all screwed up. Therefore, I don’t date much. And as a Christian, we’re not supposed to date / marry “unbelievers”. So I listen to what you have to say, but my primary dating coach is the Lord, who has me on His potters wheel….. molding me into the person that He’s created me to be. It’s awesome . Ty for giving me some more insight with your videos. Keep that precious humility that shines forth in your sharing. The Lord loves it.

    1. Hi Cil!

      When I was single I dated non Christians out of pure curiosity. I set boundaries around it – like only day-dates and no kissing, and keeping it casual and not serious with them. I saw it as imperative for my personal growth as guys from my church were not seeing how beautiful and brilliant I was.

      Then I got really confident talking to any guy, and I focused on Christian men only. I then found myself getting to know 4 Christian guys AT THE SAME TIME – as in DATING them at the same time, still with my boundaries intact. I was honest with all of them and told them about each other.
      Fast forward to 5 years later and I’m happily married to one of them – a beautiful Christian man who is the love of my life. We just had a baby.

      So in reference to what Matt has said, the story I began telling myself was “The guys I want to date (Christian men) are stupid, I’m amazing and so I’m going to meet guys who want to meet me.” So many did, I gained more skills and confidence in dating and had my choice of who to date and marry!

  • Hello Matthew! Nice talk here! It got me in its title. My situation is the same, actually worse. At age 32(!) and never had a boyfriend…yes I am serious. At this point I am so used with only myself and my habits, so I am not sure I would be able to change and adjust to someone else’s. Or that I even want to?! Is it possible not to want to be with someone else in life and prefer to be just alone? Is this sad? Maybe something is wrong with me and my mentality should change but that’s just how feel right now, right here. Thanks for your talks and all the best!

    1. I hear you I’m 36 and never had boy friend! Here I was thinking I was the only one lol good to see I’m not alone!

    2. Not alone. I’m 45 years old, and never have had a boyfriend. Each time I tried it ended up like oh you are amazing, you are a great person, and then comes the but. But I have a girlfriend who appears in a mysterious way, but I don’t want a serious relationship, etc……

  • This video couldn’t have come at a better time. I also have never been in a relationship and I am 27. There are times where I just get fed up about it, but there is a level of comfort in it because it is all Ive ever known. Comfort does not equal content-ness though. With that being said, its time to change what Ive been doing up to this point because I am not seeing the results I want. Thank you for giving advice on how to not judge your past self for doing or not doing certain things and how to move forward without your reality weighing you down.

  • I was on my way to finally meet people but then stupid covid and stupid lockdowns and stupid restrictions made so difficult for me . But I keep getting notices that other people including a cousin are finding love and getting married, so everyone but me is happy ever after

  • I got out of a relationship where we both were pretty serious but you know eventually we were not on the same page anymore.
    His priorities shifted from me to work and stuff or maybe I was never on the priority list.
    But for me I was seriously in love with him and it’s been few months and I’m still not over him and I am literally messing up things with others.
    I’m emotionally unavailable, i am scared, i am overthinking and i keep on crying .
    I don’t know what should I do.
    It is easy to say that you should love without expecting but how can it even be possible.
    Even our parents expect things from us.
    It’s all bullshit to say that don’t expect.

  • I’m 35 and I’ve never had a boyfriend, not really think it’s weird, it’s just something that I haven’t been truly focusing on. But here’s the deal: the longer you stay single the more you get accustomed to it and your standards become crystal clear, so you wouldn’t settle for less. Also it is quite clear that I’m not for everyone and I like it like that – this gives me more piece than any potential partner ever could.

  • I am 22years old and I recently got my first serious boyfriend. Honestly, I love myself and say all those nice affirmations, but deep down somewhere, I really wanted to experience love and being loved. So I changed the affirmations to, I love myself and I am capable of being loved. I’ve had attempts where it didn’t go right, but I’m super excited to be with my new boyfriend and Continue sending out positive vibes because I deserve the best in the world. Thank you Hussey.

  • On behalf of all guys, I’m sorry. You sound like a wonderful woman. But it isn’t safe for men to approach women anymore, let alone ask them out. A woman can ruin your life with one word – harassment. I know only a few women would do this, but it only takes one and we can’t tell you apart. For a man, relationships are all cost and no benefit. And don’t say sex is a benefit; it’s actually a weapon women use to manipulate men. We’re gone, and we’re not coming back. If this upsets you, you need to deal with your man-hating sisters that have ruined dating for all of us. I’m not holding my breath …

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