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If He’s Not Chasing, Why Are You Investing?

Stephen Hussey

It’s easy to find yourself wasting a lot of time and heartache over guys who were never really serious in the first place.

What usually happens in these stories: a guy approaches you and shows some interest, and you start texting and talking on the phone. Maybe you go on a date. Things seem fun, but after a while his interest just sort of tapers off, or he only makes contact at random intervals, drifting in and out of your inbox.

You feel you’ve already become attached to him, yet you don’t know where you stand.

Now you’re thinking about him a lot, discussing his behaviour with your friend, and over-analyzing every text he sends (when he does bother to send them).

You are investing deeper and deeper in this guy, despite the fact that he’s not showing any signs of chasing.

I know this position sucks, and what makes it worse is that the guy gives you no obvious sign about what he wants.

Chances are, he feels some level of attraction to you, or enjoys your company, but he doesn’t feel enough interest or urgency to seriously make an effort.

Why Guys Show Attention But Don’t Take It Further

Men who string women along tend to be those who need of a lot of sexual validation.

He may not be interested in any kind of serious relationship, but he wants to boost his self-esteem by reminding himself that women are attracted to him sexually. Hence he goes and dates and sends flirty texts even when he has no desire for things to move forward.

So what can you do about this?

The trick is knowing the difference between him pursuing and him chasing

Look for the following signs to know if he’s chasing you:

  • He gets back to your texts and calls in good time (i.e. he doesn’t wait for a week or more before texting out of the blue).
  • He suggests meeting up and actively tries to schedule a date.
  • When he meets you, he expresses a desire to do real dates, rather than just hanging out at his place.
  • He wants to get to know you rather than just sleep with you.
  • He doesn’t express a desire to be single (i.e. if he keeps saying he doesn’t want a girlfriend, take him at his word).

Before a guy does these things, by all means you can be in contact and flirt with him, but don’t hold out a false hope that with enough time he’ll suddenly “get serious” and start pursuing you for a relationship.

In some cases, it is possible that a guy is not chasing because he’s got a ton going on in his life, or because he’s under immense career pressure and can’t imagine a relationship right now, or because he just broke up with his ex and needs to heal first.

The point is, whatever is going on his life is totally out of your control. Our job (men and women) in the dating is not to play the guessing game, or try to change anyone else’s situation. Let people do what they do, and react accordingly.

My brother Matthew has a rule I’ve repeated before: Like those who like you.

I would also amend this slightly: Get serious about people who treat you as serious.

Some people advise taking a chance on the unknown. Others think that’s crazy. I don’t think it is. What is undeniably crazy though is taking a chance with your heart on someone you already know isn’t bothered about giving you theirs.

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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.

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104 Replies to “If He’s Not Chasing, Why Are You Investing?”

  • Mine is of friendship. I give and give and I am helping to get a monkey off his back, but he never says Thank You. You manage to help and help and help and all you get is I gotta go no thanks for helping him nothing. And when you try to talk he finds it easier to turn a deaf ear and walk away leaving it all up in the air..and there i go getting depressed doubting my own self worth…i have helped people over and over again all for nothing.

  • This really spoke to me. I’d been seeing Mr Casual on and off for 3 months and knew my feelings were deepening. I made him aware of this but he never made direct comments about it just kept reiterating he enjoyed my company. Things came to a head. I was feeling rubbish in myself, investing in it more than he was. So o called it off again. Now I just have to work through the sicky feeling of missing him and move forwards. He was the first guy I really liked since splitting with my ex husband 6 months ago x

    1. Hey Carly!

      That’s exactly my situation you are describing. I met someone on holidays six months after me and my husband split up. We started a holiday romance and I had a severe crush on him.
      Now I’m back in his town and after only three, though exciting days he let me fall cruelly, he just doesn’t make an effort to spend time with me anymore (only once when he was drunk, but I don’t go with that). And now I feel miserable to have thought he liked me, and I’m trying to be strong and don’t answer his texts right away, thinking what on Earth went wrong all of a sudden.
      Your post was from April – have you managed to get over it?

  • My ex of 3yrs dumped me out of the blue then told me the usual bs women say, like “i’m confused, i need to find myself, give me some space then maybe when i come back, i can give you 100% of my love, blah blah” she just couldn’t tell me the specific reason why she was breaking up with me. i chased her for a month, i’d text or fb message her a thousand times a day & after a week she’d reply “let me go”. Things were like that for a whole month which seemed like an eternity. She said i should move on with my life, she said to me that she tried loving me but it just didn’t work out. Holy crap. This was far far more painful. my primary intention was to make her tell me the specific reason why she broke up with me. Got no response from her but “just let me go”. So i did some investigation& found out that she’s back in a relationship with her ex. Who dumped her 3 years ago for another woman. So after knowing the real reason why she break up with me, i was emotionally down. i was lost. For i saw clearly the lies, her disrespect for me, & the betrayal that she did. After 4 days of no contact with her, i love her and was ready to get her back at all means, i went online on how to get her back then i saw a review of Man called Dr Mack, someone said he restores broken relationship, i had to contact this Dr Mack through the Email;dr_mack@yahoo. com which was on the review, i got a reply from him and he said he could help me restore my relationship, i was happy and was expecting a positive result, after 3 days, My Ex started texting me & calling me day and night. i didn’t answer her calls. But on the fourth day that she texted me again saying that she wants us to come back together like the the old times, she said she would never ever leave me & she’ll never hurt my feelings again. She even said we could get married next Month.

  • Hii,

    So, I met this guy online. At first, he initiated all the texts and arranged three dates in a row of weekends (one was the first time meet up, the second was a movie date and the other was when he made me meet his friends). He complained to me that i haven’t made any plans with him and wants me to take the lead. So.. I do that. We have an amazing time. He makes me promise that I would call him everyday (Cause he is complaining). I call him day after because the next day i got busy. He doesn’t pick up. I text him Goodnight and he instantly replies apologizing that he was busy and that is why he couldn’t pick up. I tell him to go back to work, wish him good luck and tell him it’s ohk and that now, since he is busy with work,he should be calling me when its done.
    next nine days, i don’t hear anything. He does call and when I don’t pick up, cause I’m busy. I text him back 2 hours later and he is just like.. called you by mistake! (I understand this could totally happen). I just answer back with a ‘oh’. He reads it and never replies back. Can you tell me if i did something wrong?

  • so….I could use some advice. I am very quite new to online dating. I have never had a hard time attracting the person but its the process of keeping this person and the pace I want to go.

    I have talked to this guy for a few days straight already and it seems we have some interest in common. HE attracts me physically but I would really love to get to know him personally and vice versa. I have always had the problem that I take things too physical in the early stages. I’m trying to reverse that and learn how to like the person within.
    HE does show some chase but it is very vague. My question for whoever is reading is….How should i improve the chase? Should i become a little distant or a little more forward and spontaneous and suggest him to take me on a date? (ps: our first date was cancelled due to work).

    Please and thank you. :)

    1. Hello there Mandy!

      I am a guy and my suggestion would be to become more distand instead of straight forward – plus its only online dating and from what i understood u havent even met so dont take the case to seriously,yet…

  • Hey Stephen,
    I read your blog and it’s helpful. I want suggestion for my relationship. I badly insulted my boyfriend (who is my ex now) He believe that I supervise and undervalued him. which is not true. I fought with him many times but I never undervalue him or supervise. I want to change his thinkings and insecurity. Please help. thank you

    1. All he wants to see you cry for what you have done…if you really feel bad for what you did to him …go talk to him and cry your heart out proov him that you are sry…and u did not mean what you said…he will feel better…just some of those tears can make him feel alright…

  • Thank you Stephen. That really opened my eyes because I am currently going through the exact same thing. Hopefully I have the guts to move forward.

  • I love this! I just made a comment on one of the videos of Fast Track asking for what it looks like when someone invests in you. I feel like this is a great answer to that question. Thank-you!

  • I need advice, there’s this guy I’ve been on dates with twice I’ve been single for nearly a decade now and I’m trying to put myself out there again and this guy I like is someone who keeps popping up in my life unexpectedly and randomly so I start thinking serendipity right? We got together and had coffee was extremely awkward but then finally relaxed when we started talking about him….. then the second was movies he looked like he didn’t enjoy himself even though he said he did then about a few days go by and I don’t hear from him so I text him I see his online and his seen my text he’s not responding then I say you’re not really ready for a relationship he says he’s just not ready to be dating yet so I suggest we become friends start off slow no pressure and that I really like him we talk share funny meme through email and message more than we did when we were trying to date I’m trying to figure out how to get him to see me as a potential girlfriend as I’m worried some beautiful skinny girl comes along and he falls under her spell

  • Hi guys! I stopped dating this guy because he doesn’t want a serious relationship. He only wanted a casual relationship. With how are things now he still wants to be with me but just to hang out for now just like friends. Can I still try to change his mind into us getting back into dating and possibly change his mindset on being in a serious relationship? His definition of being in a serious relationship is moving in together, having a life together and dying together. Thanks.

    1. Hey May! Matt’s advice is, if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. – Mars

  • Hi!
    So I am in a bit of a weird “relationship” Started dating this guy two months ago (friend of a friend) and things were great. We connected emotionally, and went on about one date per week. He started getting bad at texting a few weeks ago, would take anywhere between 3-6 days to respond to texts. Granted, he is busy and in an issue with his job right now. The past few weeks he also hasn’t been putting in initiative to plan dates, and I have been the one texting him asking to meet up. He does say he likes me and we have shared deeply emotional stories. This week was the same thing though, and he wasn’t texting me except to say he saw this movie. I really wanted him to take initiative so was waiting for him to text, but then asked him to meet up anyhow this weekend. Am I wrong to be taking most of the initiative? I know from friends he is very timid and shy and also only dates one person at once, but past relationship trauma has made me also worried I am not a priority and another person is involved. Is this crazy? Also even though it’s been two months, we haven’t had the “what are we discussion,” and also haven’t had sex. We still are only seeing each other about once a week, which also bothers me. What do I do?

  • A powerful share, I simply given this onto a colleague who was doing slightly analysis on this. And he in fact bought me breakfast as a result of I discovered it for him.. smile. So let me reword that: Thnx for the deal with! But yeah Thnkx for spending the time to debate this, I feel strongly about it and love studying extra on this topic. If attainable, as you become experience, would you mind updating your blog with extra particulars? It is extremely helpful for me. Huge thumb up for this blog put up!

  • Hi!
    I recently moved to a city for work & will be staying here for 3 mo. My ex boyfriend also works 1 hr away from where i am.
    Lately, we’ve been chatting everyday for 2 weeks now. He is really fun to talk to, i enjoyed our conversations and i feel he does too. We always keep it casual, he always replies on time, and i wanted to meet him face to face but i didn’t want to initiate.
    I felt like he’s sending mixed signals. At first he seemed interested in meeting me too and asked when my rest day is. I told him next week, and he told me he’ll check his schedule. He said if only i was near, he’d come visit me often. So I asked him if he can give me a tour around but he politely declined and said he’s really not much of a tour guide since he doesn’t go out often and would rather stay home during his off to rest.
    Come next week, he didn’t open up the topic of the meet up. What should i do? I don’t want to go and remind him if he had checked his schedule already but i feel like we should meet up before i leave next month. Should i be straight forward about it? Or just wait on him?
    Any thoughts pls. Thank you. xoxo

  • So I have a questions:
    Literally this guy I met online was doing all the above in the bullet points and one day he didn’t text for 1,2,3 days…I took Matt’s advice on the 59 ways to talk to men and cheekily wrote him a message and he replied! Kept it up for about an hour and now it’s been another 24 hours after my message and I can’t get him out of my head. We had great first 3 days, he chatted to me about marriage, divorce, kids, perfect house, if i’m handy, etc- things I happily expressed to him honestly and I told him I trusted him and he told me “What took you so long” and I told myself I would’t freak at him and not carry previous emotional baggage with me….I don’t want to text him anymore…I don’t think I should text him. I just want to know what the f**k happened.

  • Stop telling men to chase women bro. I like your work but the phrasing of “chasing” needs to go. Enough of the kids games, and men have life with goals and dreams to achieve so who the hell has got time to chase women. Get to know someone yes but chase no. Give men some respect.

  • I met a cute guy single,and organically ( not seeking) we had a good first date,and
    he and i are both mature. he flirted,and offered to make me dinner,and did not
    do any sexual talk. 2 months later/ YES !! then he back-peddled,and asked me for counselling advice” about
    his life ( i get paid for that) then he asked AGAIN for free services 2 days later???. i cancelled my
    date,and called him on it,nicely. he said “well? i am just in a soul=searching and not
    sure about romance acually? I was sad.I said ok lets be friends then. now he is asking me for DINNER? normally that is ROMANTIC unless its denny’s..i am wondering if he is just seeking ego-strokes.i am nobody’s sista,mother. i tend to attract cute “mama’s boys” who have awkward strong mothers..i am not seeking to continue “nurturing another grown man”. any advice?

  • Like those who like you.
    Get serious about people who treat you as serious.

    That was enough to understand the whole point! There is so much wisdom in these 2 sentences!

    Wonderful blog post Stephen! Thank you!


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