When He’s Not Investing in You, Avoid This Mistake

Let’s face it: We live in a flaky dating culture. People don’t text back. They cancel plans on the day. Or maybe they just don’t try hard enough in the early stages.

So how should you respond when this happens?

Many people make a huge mistake in their reply, which you’ll see from a real woman’s comment I discuss in this week’s video.

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59 Replies to “When He’s Not Investing in You, Avoid This Mistake”

  • It may take a man having a few bad dates with other women he thought were more attractive than you to appreciate a you he met months ago.

    “You can’t make him love you if he don’t. You can’t make his heart feel something it won’t.”

    Live your life. If he shows up fine. If he doesn’t his loss.

    Remember ladies, you are the prize. He has to win you over. If he disappears for months then comes back treat him as if you just met again or even better can’t remember him immediately when he calls so he knows you have not been pining over him. This makes you even more attractive. Men always want what they have to work for. If you make it easy for him in the beginning, he sees less value in you. Everyone always values more what they have to pay a high price for. They nurture and take care of it better than something they got for free. Buy an expensive leather coat and you make sure, it doesn’t get stained, cig burns or thrown on the floor. Buy a leather coat at the Goodwill Store and you abuse it because you invested nothing in it.

    Let the men chase. Don’t give. Give back. Don’t call. Call back. Don’t text. Text back.

    1. so very true I had to learn this the hard way with a slap in the face. it happened to me with the guy I really liked(really liked for the first time) and it happened towards the end of our one year ish relationship.

      1. It’s never too late to turn the table by shifting your actions. It can take up to a few months but it can happen. Ignore him in every way until he comes around. Avoid, speaking of him, thinking of him and put your focus on you and other men. Guys tend to psychically know when we let go and get over him and this is when he comes back but because you sincerely got over him you now have the upper hand again and put him back into chasing you. Right where you want him and right where men like to be. Women who keep him chasing even when married will never have a man who strays and will keep the passion alive through the years.

    2. “Let the men chase. Don’t give. Give back. Don’t call. Call back. Don’t text. Text back.”

      It probably works. It just isn’t very fun for me to do this. :-( If I’m out, I want to be out. Finito. That push/pull men seem to need, doesn’t make me feel attracted at all.

      1. This is the nature of masculine Alpha men. You can’t change it. As women we either recognize male nature and accept it or if not we are doomed to remain eternally single.

        If you like Beta men then chase them all you want but these guys will bore the hell out of you.

        Play the game and have passion or switch roles and have a passive bore.

        1. Well, I wish it were that simple to just ‘have passion’. But it’s not that simple. When a man stops investing I lose attraction, get bored, and break up with him. Boom, done.

          I’ve tried the beta men and that’s actually better, but I do get bored with them also. Takes longer. But they never really invest in the beginning. They think they are investing and it’s the best they can do, but they are not. They are sweet, though. But yeah, boredom.

          There is the right person in the middle out there for me. I know I won’t be eternally single. There are just not that many ‘in the middle’ guye. But I’ll find the right one for me. There are millions of men in the world. It’s not alpha, beta, or nothing. I don’t believe that. Besides, I only need one of them. :-)

  • Thank you for your advice Matthew. I’m really ready for my first date with someone that I have admired for months. (More on that later.)

    My entire family sets a blue collar worker example that a professional man (or me as a professional woman) would get tired of quickly. Can you do a video on if or when you should introduce your family if he has not yet inquired?

  • So true!
    Matt- I would love it if you can give advice to single moms. I’m always out and about with my daughter. I do see men glancing my way, but I never know how to approach when I have my daughter with me, whether it’s at the grocery store, movies etc…

    Thanks for always posting something I can learn from!

  • For the first time I didn’t know why it was so important to control my feelings and cautiously select my words until I made a huge mistake. Our relationship was different: his investment went in a reversed mode. After THE mistake he took a 180 degree spin and his investment was suddenly cut off. People tell me he was an asshole and it’s not my fault, but this video conviced me that MAYBE I shouldn’t be angry with him. He showed he could invest, but he changed. My friends tell me he was a player and I’m just too naive. Maybe.
    He said he wasn’t sure any more that it could work in the long run, he couldn’t see our future (we’d been together only ONE week!!!). I know what triggered this. Because I started to panick and I shouldn’t have shared my feelings with him: I told him all my insecurities ‘Where is it going?’, ‘How do I know I can trust you?’, ‘How do I know that you don’t date other women?’, ‘I don’t trust you’… F*ck me! What was I thinking? Even though he pulled back somehow we kept going for 1.5 months, and after the 2nd breakup I started to train myself. Now I understand that it’s not enough to know these things in principle but to do it well in practice, which needs a lot of self-control. Even when you’re sitting trembling to send him THAT needy/unimportant/offensive/emotional message when you know you shouldn’t, you need to remind yourself WHY you shouldn’t do it…
    I made almost every mistake a woman can make in a relationship: being needy, not leaving him enough space, sending wall-of-texts (like this :) ), losing my mystery etc.
    I’ve made good progress with the ex-back program during the 3 months, but what still annoys me that I don’t know how to revert his investment from low to high. The silver line is it was very unsure if I could ever contact him again or talk, but we did and I saw his attention raising (a bit). He seems to be getting closer to me but veeerrryyyyy sloooooowly, and I know I shouldn’t rush, but this pace is leaving me some doubts.

    1. I’ve just read ur comment and it’s so me right now.but it has made me relise a better way to act.so thank you.i hope I can make things right like u did x

    2. Good things come to those who wait.
      Remember you are the flower. he has to nurture you.
      Women often take action by calling, giving, asking futuristic questions when they feel anxious and impatient with a man’s pace for the relationship. Let him be the driver and you are his passenger. Follow his lead/direction and don’t tell him which route to take or if he just missed the right turn. Surrender to not being in control. Best of luck.

  • I’m here to tell you that the text that Matthew put into last weeks video “all good, have a great week” gave me immediate results! I made the mistake of suggesting a catch up with a low investment guy, and sending him this made him more interested in asking how I am and what I’m doing! Genius!!!

  • I think it’s okay to be annoyed. And it’s hard to have good energy with someone who isn’t investing.

    It’s interesting when I have male acquaintances who are friends and they flake out, I have great energy about it. I truly DO NOT CARE. I don’t. It’s still annoying, but I just don’t reply. But here’s the thing, if I were to see them at a social gathering I would still hug them and be glad to see them. And that’s it. It’s very pleasant.

    But a man who said he wanted to date me and was flaky for a month and never manages to call? I am annoyed. He said date, not I. He said he was interested. But you’re right, he’s not. I cut them loose. They aren’t friends. They’re just strangers and it’s just easier for me to move on to people who do want to call.

    If a man is annoying you so much that you want to see the ‘have a great life’ text, I say send it. If he’s going to annoy her, he isn’t someone great for her. She’s might be losing someone great, but not someone great for *her*.

    And I have How to Talk to Men. For the right men, it works well. For the really low investors? They still don’t get it. Yes, they feel better and things end on a positive note. But the low investors, in my experience, remain low investors no matter what you say to them.

    I have tried. I’m not mad as like the program. Just giving some feedback.

    1. They seem to remain low investors, though in my experience I could sense a slight change in their behavior. I understand these men need time to realize that something has changed about you, but the question is, how much time?

      In a few months these guys started to chase me more, but their investment is still too low. One of my colleagues, who stopped chasing earlier, started to call me to have coffee, texted me more frequently, and he demanded to talk. It seemed so sci-fi to me last year and now it’s reality.
      My ex started to approach me at the gym. First he stood there thunder-struck, next time he came to me, later he came up with the idea of studying together…

      Despite the progress they remain low-investment, and aren’t active enough. It took too many weeks to get these achievements. Their investment does not guarrantee they will invest more later, so I don’t feel safe yet…
      Maybe I’m impatient, but I was wondering if there was a way to speed it up or just not leave them stuck in a low-investment position. I developed a huge self-control to avoid the needy behaviour, but sometimes I think that just being passive or staying emotionally cool (not cold!) is not the most efficient way to make them invest more…

      1. I think it’s just who they are. I feel they are better for a woman who thinks that’s normal and it’s fine for her. I know some men need to be led a bit more with what women want, but you’re right, it shouldn’t take several weeks.

        I dated one of these men for months. It didn’t change. I tried three separate times to very lightly clue him in. I really liked him, loved him without being in love with him. It’s difficult to fall in love with someone who doesn’t invest in you. But he *was* investing the only way he knew how. I was his first girlfriend. He didn’t know what he was doing. He was very sweet, but I need someone who knows how to treat a girlfriend. After a while, he did know I wanted, could say it back to me in words, but never did the actions.

        The guy is the best he’s going to be in the first few weeks. He is trying his best. He wants to impress you. If what he’s doing is not impressing you, I think you should move on. Sure, a man who is in love with you will invest more, but the question for us is: do we really want the low investors in love with us?

        Matt, I think your other video with the women and the cupcakes is more accurate. The ‘I sense some confusion on your part . . .” line is gold. You think it matters if you’ve been dating him or if you’ve just been texting. Most of the time it’s the same guy. Early on or later on, he’s just not ready and all the waiting in the world won’t make him ready or invest more. He’s got to want to do that at the outset and he has to know how. How To Talk To Man and a lot of patience can only get women so far.

        Petra, when your colleague demanded to talk, what did he talk about? I bet it felt like a big investment on his part to have that talk. He thought he was really stepping up. How did you feel during the talk?

        1. “He was very sweet, but I need someone who knows how to treat a girlfriend. After a while, he did know I wanted, could say it back to me in words, but never did the actions.”

          Some guys never get it. Even for the fifth or tenth time. They don’t know how to treat you well. I never expected much from them, I didn’t want them to pay or buy me presents, until I met someone who never ever gave me anything (even for Christmas) and we never talked about it. I was waiting for him to come up with it, but he didn’t. Now I know communicating our standards is crucial, but it’s still unclear: when is it worth communicating at all? If the guy invites you to his home but forgets to provide dinner and all that you can eat is biscuits and wine… is it worth to come up with your expecations or is he hopeless and get rid of him?

          “do we really want the low investors in love with us?”
          Yes, I guess. If they fall in love, they will invest more, I suppose. And that’s what we want. But how?

          “Petra, when your colleague demanded to talk, what did he talk about? I bet it felt like a big investment on his part to have that talk. He thought he was really stepping up. How did you feel during the talk?”

          Well, he expressed his need to talk, but nothing specific. Once I denied to come with him, I just wasn’t in the mood, but not angry. He texted me later what was going on, and I was really surprised why he was insisting on me, because he never really invested in me, never called ME and rarely texted, which was annoying, because we both know we liked each other. Despite his chasing has raised a bit more now, he still does not invest enough. We like each other, we talked about it. The problem is: just talked… I tried EVERYTHING during the last year… Now I now overtalking, convincing does not help, nagging, bombarding him with questions, trying to understand does not help, showing my emotional (and dark) side just scares him off… After I read some books by Matt, I have the understanding now, but I’m not sure whether the mistakes can be fixed once you’ve made them…

          1. Thanks for responding, Petra. Maybe we women can support one another here.

            Ah, the low investors. I remember once Matt asking a woman, “Is that really the man that you want?” in a very early YouTube video. In a different video he said, “You thought I was the woman here,” indicating a level with his hand. “Well, I’m the woman here.” He indicated a higher level. “I’m sorry you got us confused.”

            We are high level women! And while sure, be easy in the first five minutes, the first few days, but not the first five weeks! So no, I don’t want the low investors in love with me. I don’t want to deal with them at all. Even in love, they are only capable of so much.

            One thing I did learn from men, once you’ve made a mistake: Move On. Seriously, once a guy’s ego is hurt he won’t try again. Why should we? Especially since we’ve got biological clocks (some of us) to deal with.

            Stay friendly with that guy, but look into other men. You might even find a high investor! ‘Cause that’s what I think we want. While we are living our best lives and are happy with that someone to come along and treat us the way we deserve. I’m waiting for that.

            With the guys we’ve mentioned we’ve tried way past the first few days or five minutes and I think Matt would agree that it’s time to move on to the next guy.

  • Well that was weird. I actually checked my comment this time and there’s nothing there. that’s funny!! Anyway great job .

  • Dear Matt

    I really want to thank you for this video. Just want to say the way you explained about maintaining good energy, low investment and yet allowing people in it reminded me what it means to focus on filling ourselves up first and yet be willing to receive when the time comes. So many times I have made relationship mistakes by thinking that I need others to complete me and every time I enter into this mode, I become this woman who try and manipulates men and forces them into some sort of rehabilitation program and I become flustered and anxious when they don’t or when they don’t text back. But, the real deal is, it is not them. I have given my power to them thinking that I need that text message to complete me or their words to reassure me. I had not been honouring myself or valuing myself. It took me watching many of your youtube videos (and others) to realise this. This morning, as I reflected on this latest video of yours, I suddenly feel a snap out of my little mind. And that all you are probably wanting to let me know, as a reader, is that our lives are much bigger than all these experiences (where men don’t text back or ghosted us or ignored us) or circumstances and investing on ourselves is the best gift I can give myself. Thank you.

    1. I came to a similar conclusion… It’s really important to have self-respect and be fullfilled without men.

      I hadn’t been good to myself before, but I always expected men to nurture me. How can I expect men to treat me well, if I don’t treat myself well? Especially my body. How much self-respect do I have when I eat junk food or starve myself?

      All I did to my body is to improve its appearance and live up to men’s expectations. It’s not only the visible that counts. I thought I treated myself well, but the messy, irregular diet, skipping breakfast etc. do not really show self-respect. It’s not only losing weight or getting fit what we want. What I need is to treat my body as if it was extremely valueable (and it is) that deserves luxury, nurturing and special treatment.

  • I have been seeing a guy for 3 months. He doesnt want to take me to his place because he has a co-loc. I dont know his address and I cannot find where he says he works. In fact I cannot find out any information on him at all. He has cancelled many dates at the last minute, always to run back to the usa for his work as he lives in Montreal, Canada but says he works out of Philadelphia, usa. He is still on a dating site but claims it is his roomate.
    Really Matt. what do you think of this guy….Help…Liz.

  • Love this video. I look forward to the videos each week. Becoming high value is like developing another muscle and practice is required. These videos offer new ways to develop that confidence. Xoxo

  • Amazing. Can we drop the whole “He’s just not that into you” crap finally?? Can we do as Matthew advises, and don’t over invest in someone , don’t have expectations in the early stages of dating, let a guy develop feelings instead of expecting him to have them off the bat. All girls should be taught that guys are in overdrive when they want your attention for a date. Then they cool their heels, and for many different reasons, but that’s in their behavior.
    And if he isn’t stepping up and didn’t treat you like crap, let him back away and go on. You know the saying “they always come back”. Yes, they usually do, because the move at a different pace and men are not women, and women are not men!! And that’s why we are here!! Be good to each other, and thanks, Matt, for upping the conversation and encouraging acceptance of others and real self esteem. I am so glad more and more people are catching on to you.

    PS- How To Talk To Men is pure gold and worth everything. He covers so many situations and let’s us see the other perspective to make us more loving and more effective in both understanding initial emotional reactions and what it really sounds like to others, not just dates, BF’s and husbands.

  • Well spoken, Matt. Self control without anger is always the best. I have your program and its top notch as well. Thank you !

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