It’s hard to find love when you don’t feel loveable yourself.

In this video, I want to share a small thing you can start doing today to get back your self-esteem and begin to reclaim your core confidence…

Are you struggling to like yourself today? I’ve experienced that. That feeling of self-loathing, the feeling that you have made mistakes, that you have regrets, things that you consistently beat yourself up over, self-flagellate. One of the practical ways to begin liking ourselves more – and I think this is important because it’s not just some psychological shift, liking ourselves more; there is a kind of practical side of it, which is like literally doing pushups for your confidence. One of the ways to like ourselves more is to do acts of kindness for other people. Studies have shown that when people are given two sets of things to do, one of them being self-serving and one of them being serving of others, the acts of kindness towards other people consistently increase people’s levels of happiness more than the things that they do that are self-serving.

We go through life, I think, believing the opposite of this, and certainly we often act as if the opposite were true. We go through life doing things for ourselves, constantly indulging our own problems, our own suffering. I heard it said recently by, I think a monk, a guy that was on Sam Harris’s podcast, Jameson. Maybe we can put his name here, but he talks about them as his “mes”, the moments where he becomes obsessed with what he needs, what he wants, what’s wrong with his life, his mes. And I think we get obsessed with our mes. We think that by addressing our mes, that by addressing the concerns we have and the problems we have all the time, that that’s what’s going to make us happier. But what really does make us happy, what does make us like ourselves more, and something I think we’ve lost touch with, is the moments of kindness, the acts of kindness we do for other people.

Because when we do something for someone else, we feel valuable. We feel like we’re worth something. Our actions feel weighty, especially when someone acknowledges that kindness, especially when we see that it’s actually lifted someone’s day. I’ve sent messages to people where their response has been overwhelming to me. I’ve expressed gratitude for someone or let someone know what they mean to me and the reaction that they have feeds into my own self worth because I realize, “Oh my….” I realize I’m undervaluing so often what my words mean to people, or what my love means to people, what my kindness means to people. And that can also be true of a perfect stranger, by the way. It doesn’t have to be someone you know.

Of course, when we just do things that allow us to have a positive impact in the world – even if we don’t get some outstanding reaction, because of course that’s not the point – just the feeling that we’re putting good into the world gives us more reasons to say, “I am worthwhile. I’m bringing good energy into this world.” And it takes us out of ourselves and all the things that we think are wrong with us. 

Some of you may be watching this going, “Oh my God, I live my life doing stuff for other people, and my responsibilities, and all the ways I look after people, and so on.” I understand that, but I feel like there’s a distinction between the responsibilities we have, the day-to-day monotonous things that we must do, and the things that we choose to do, the acts of kindness that we choose, because we really want to improve someone’s day, or we really do feel a sense of empathy for what someone’s going through and we reach out to them and we help them.

It could just be something small in your day. It doesn’t have to be big, but if right now you are suffering from indulging in the things that you believe are wrong with you, whether it’s aesthetically, whether it’s things to do with your health, whether it’s things to do with your career not going the way you want it to go, or mistakes you’ve made, regrets you have about mistakes you’ve made, and you’re finding yourself spending an awful lot of time beating yourself up for that, one of the most practical ways to like yourself more today is to do acts of kindness for other people.

The state of your internal ecosystem is the quality of your life. It doesn’t matter how well everything’s going – whether you have a great partner, whether you have an amazing job, whether you’re financially free, whether you have a great family, loving friends – if your internal ecosystem is corrupted right now by negative beliefs, by insecurities, by all the ways you tell yourself you’re not good enough, ways you don’t feel worthy, that poisons everything else. The quality of your life is the quality of this ecosystem in here.

I was thinking about this today. Lots of people ask me what we do on our Retreat. It’s a six-day program, it’s an immersion program. Matt, “What do you do on that program?” And a lot of people mistakenly think it’s about our love lives, but it’s not. It’s not about that at all. It’s a holistic look at everything in our lives. But what it does most is it trains us, the Retreat program trains us to take control of that ecosystem. And it shows you the practical ways to create a beautiful state of mind, because everything good in life emanates from that beautiful state of mind.

The idea is that if we achieve enough, if we do enough, if we make our mark in the world, then we’ll have a beautiful state of mind. But that’s not true. We know that’s not true because we’ve all achieved things and found that the problem is we took our mind with us to that achievement and it stopped us from enjoying it. The reverse is true. A beautiful state of mind is what allows us to go out there and enjoy life, is what allows us to go out there and be all we can be by achieving amazing things.

I know when I’m in a beautiful state of mind, I make a better video for you. When I’m in a beautiful state of mind, I give better webinars, I give better speeches. If I show up not in a beautiful state of mind that impacts everything I do. From my relationships, to my work, to my friendships, to my family life, which is why for me at this stage in my life – and this wasn’t always true, when I was starting out, I was all about achievement, but at this stage in my life –  I’ve come to realize the game is that ecosystem. And so I’m always looking for what are the ways that I can affect this ecosystem. Because if I wake up with the right ecosystem, it impacts everything in my life, and I don’t need everything to be going right to be happy when my ecosystem is flourishing.

So if you want to learn how to create that beautiful state for yourself and you want to take that seriously now because you realize that, “Wow, these external things are not working for me. No matter how much better I do at my job, no matter how many friends I acquire, no matter what partner I’m with, no matter what I do, I am taking myself with me to those situations, and this ain’t working for me. I need to do something at the fundamental level that’s going to change the way I see my life, the happiness that I experienced, the joy that I feel,” then I would love for you to apply for my Retreat program, because that’s where we do the real work on that.

You can apply here. You’ll go through a process where you have an interview with one of my specialists. They’ll talk you through the program, see if you’re right for it, you’ll tell us if you believe you’re right for it, and you can come join us live in person at my six-day Retreat. I really hope to see you soon, and I hope you enjoyed this video. Thanks for watching.