How To Find Out If He’s Single… (Back on The Today Show!)

I’ve been back in New York for another segment of ‘the other view’. Hope you enjoy the clip!

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From the video…

“I’m a big planner, but often feel that I’m waiting for my guy to decide on HIS plans before I make mine. Should I tell him how I feel? Or just go ahead with my plans not worrying if he’ll join?”

This is a great question and a common thing among men and women.

Women are very often more detail-orientated. Men are spur of the moment and like to plan last minute. A woman will think about what she’s wanting to wear for something weeks in advance, a guy won’t begin thinking about it until the day of.

This is a generalisation of course, but it is a common cause of frustration.

If you want a guy to do more, the first thing is always positive-reinforcement.

The moment he plans anything – no matter how small – show him how much it means to you. “I love it when you do things like that, it’s so sexy.”

Value your time more. Give him a time-window to think about it. Tell him you’ll be going away with your friends otherwise – and actually follow through if he doesn’t come around.

“What is a good ice-breaker to find out if a guy is single without making it awkward?”

There are a number of ways to do this.

1) Playful

The moment he does something charming or funny, say to him, “that was really charming, how many girlfriends do you have?”

2) Assumptive

You can say, “How long have you been single for?”

3) Direct

The moment he makes a move, you say, “I have to ask because so many guys are crazy, are you single?”

Doing this raises your integrity because he sees that you’re the type of woman who doesn’t pursue someone who’s not.

With all of this said, the most important thing is that you’re not in your head thinking about this before approaching a guy. When you go into an interaction with the intensity of thinking, ‘is this person single?’, immediately you put that intensity on the guy. Never use this as an excuse not to talk to someone or not to be sociable.

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44 Replies to “How To Find Out If He’s Single… (Back on The Today Show!)”

  • Completely agreed and I always looking for a wedding ring just to be safe.
    I actually have 3 criterias before being interested in someone
    1. Good looking
    2.No wedding ring
    3. No baggage meaning no on/off girlfriends or kids although there can be exceptions with kids

      1. You’re quite right! I could tell a story just starting from the second point: it’s not said that a man with no ring is not married. My last affair with a guy was in this way. I found out he was married and with two daughters. Even if he told me he solely officially lived with his wife, I thought of him not great things in the end. He treated me badly and with no warmth as in the beginning of the story. And it sounded there was a good understanding between us.
        Then, take care, women! If he is a sad man with others, with no courage to change his grey life, he will much likely be so with you, as well. Look after and never accept flattering compliments from this type of men. They are very good at using words.

        1. Wise words! ” If he is a sad man with others, with no courage to change his grey life, he will much likely be so with you, as well. Look after and never accept flattering compliments from this type of men. They are very good at using words.” I have experienced this, and it is true. words mean so little to men, and come cheaply. Action is where it’s really at, as in “if he wanted to, he would.” We act to invest when we are truly inspired. Watch what they do, not what they say.

      1. It was so funny when the camera was focus on your abdominal and then you quickly said: “Let´s talk about…other man”.

        Oh, I swear I some day will have my own public and famous cartoon. You are my witnesses.

  • Hey Matt, can you write an article on the “what are we” talk? I am having a hard time figuring out where it is heading or the relationship between me and a guy.

  • totally agreed and i usually use playful way
    but i faced three types of guys
    and they told me they don’t have girlfriends and they are single!!
    but at end i discovered one of them is married hided his ring in a car and other twos have already girlfriends but i didn’t mentioned in front of them!

  • Ahhhh a breath of fresh air you are.
    Well done on overcoming all your fears and pursuing this lath.

    You’re a one of a kind. And givin us gals advice we can get our teeth into.


  • Thank you for this… just at the right time, I’ve been wondering about how to approach this topic recently. Wondering, though, will asking this make it awkward to continue chatting if:

    1) they aren’t interested in a relationship with me and/or
    2) they are in a relationship with someone else?

    I wouldn’t want it to be present in our thoughts if I wanted to continue the conversation or budding friendship. Or make it seem like I’m hounding for a boyfriend.

    Thanks again!

  • what do u do if you are a magnet to them ( married people and older) ….. they are always attracted to me i hate that when it dose happen x_x

    1. I know what you mean, V – I have this problem, too. It doesn’t matter whether I’m warm or cold. There’s something about me that attracts them. The high-integrity ones proceed to be rude or cold to me. We’d love some ideas on this, Matthew! :-) How can we tactfully let men know we’re not for them or don’t pose a threat to their relationship?

  • I figure that most of us are in someways ‘connected’ to someone at some point even if it is casual, on/off, (till we find the ‘ right ‘ person and so is anyone ever single at one time?
    A lot of the time I find that happily married/in a relationship men will very soon mention their other half soon in a conversation. Almost like a guilt thing that they feel guilty even talking to someone else!

    It is the ones who are not happy that will not mention the other half. Matthew, would it be fair to say that do we even need to ask if they are sinlge if this is the case? At the end of the clip you seem to mention this? Would it be fair to say go with the flow? Or is this not being high value?

    The topic of being a great conversationalist I am intrigued by and this is the core reason that speed dating is so successful for the people running it and unsuccessful for the people doing it! We all get stuck saying ‘ I work in a juice bar’…

    1. Ruth, I think it would not be fair to the other person in that relationship to not care whether their guy is single; even if he’s not happy. I know you were asking Matthew, not me — but would you like your guy to be snatched up by someone else just because he didn’t mention you…?

      1. If the relationship had descended to the point where he was not mentioning me then something seriously is wrong with the relationship. No I would not like it , but I have no control over a man’s actions.

        1. Ruth, I’m now in such situation. I’m involved with a guy, who has a girlfriend and he was honest about this since we mat (at that point we conversed as friends, so he casually mentioned it). well in a meantime things developed between us, naturally, I never pressed him to anything and I’m exactly having this opinion – if he was happy in his relationship, he would not be spending time with me. I agree that for the moment the fact if he is single or not is not important. but when you get to know his status, you have to have clear for yourself, what is ok for you and to what level you let it develop. which is exactly what I’m doing. and I follow one of the biggest advice Matt has given us: Do not invest into guys, who don’t invest in you! so right now, I’m investing into that taken guy only to the point I feel is ok for me as high value woman. and only as much as he invests in me. at some point I would ask him for exclusivity, but right now we are just getting to know each other.

          Matt, maybe this can be another topic: What to do in case he says he is not single, but you feel natural connection, he is willing to invest, you wanna see each other… how you should behave? You know sometimes you simply meet someone who is the one, but he is taken, which is unfortunate, but still you may feel the real connection and wanna develop it.

  • Oh Kathy Lee… your heart’s in the right place, but you sure know how to be obnoxious and negative. *sigh*

    And don’t think I didn’t see you slouching after they commented about your chest, Hussey! What is it that you say to us? “If a guy gives you a jacket, take the damn jacket?” Darling, if a woman likes your chest and wants to gush about how good you look, own the moment while singing in your head, “I’m Too Sexy”!

    P.S You’re cute, have an accent (to us American women) and understand the meaning behind “relationships”. You’re like a fish in a barrel! So you better start becoming a fast swimmer! LOL

  • thank you for this video hero.
    to ask someone any question you have to be relax , coz what makes us not to ask is , when we ask we become afraid to be fool or to get the answer that we don’t want to listen .the second thing is when we ask we use feelings rather than using logic . when we use feelings we get hurt easily thats why we become afraid to ask , but if we use logic then we will be relax , confident,and creative (Especially when we ask)
    forgive me my english is bad ,but i’m doing my best.
    thank you HERO .

  • So Matthew,

    Are you single??? hmmmm I rather like this direct approach…
    Don’t be shy (boring) either.
    If I’d wager a guess I’d say most definitely taken

  • Thank you for sharing this video Matthew. I agree that you really don’t want to be intense about the “are you or aren’t you single” question and that it’s better to just be friendly and conversational with the people you meet. At some point though, it’s something that should be clarified – and I’d think the sooner the better. I say this because, there are some married men who will/do not wear wedding rings and purposely avoid talking about their spouse so that it never occurs to you that they might be married. They are quite charming and loving, and somehow find extra time to spend with you – time they should be spending wth their spouse. So it’s somewhere way down the line, after you’ve become somewhat invested – and when you feel the timing may be right to see if the relationship will lead to marriage – that he tells you he’s married. Even then, he may not come clean about being married. The only good thing is that you’re not going to wait around too long while he pussyfoots about, considering whether he wants to marry you or not – because that will obviously be a long wait if he’s already married and just fooling around on the side.

    My question at that point would be: do you let his wife know that he is cheating or leave it for them to sort out when she happens to one day find out on her own?

  • Dear Matthew
    Gosh you are doing well. The thing you thought you were doing has changed into something else. Well well how interesting life is. You have become whatisname….er..the Gladiator/philosopher. Crikey. Lou

  • Those ladies crack me up!! Mark my word one day you’re gonna see The Jill and Some other awesome chick show. With that said I’m so glad you brought up following through. I tell my girl and guy friends all the time to FOLLOW THROUGH and not just cater to their partner. I find it amusing that it’s the same with children FOLLOW THROUGH! Men…Children what’s the difference? ;)

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