Are you seeing someone who won’t commit but who doesn’t let you move on either?

You’re about to hear a phone call between me and a young lady who had this issue and wanted to know what was going on in his mind.

She was adorable and funny, just like this animation we’ve put together telling her story. You also get to see me portrayed as a detective getting to the bottom of the case…

Matthew:

Julia, why don’t you tell us your question?

Julia:

Okay. Well, it’s a little complicated, but I’ll try to make it short. I’ve been with this guy for about two years. We broke up eight months ago. For the past eight months, I’ve been in competition with this girl online – a girl he never met, most likely a girl he’s never going to meet. I also recently found out he slept with his ex a couple of months ago.

So my question is, he keeps telling me, “I don’t want to commit. I don’t want to commit to a relationship.” But I feel like he’s committed to her because he’s always going back to her and me. So why is it so hard for him to commit? Or is it just he wants her because he knows she’s temporary, and he sees a future with me and that scares him? I don’t know. Why is it so hard for him to commit, from a guy’s perspective?

Matthew:

Okay, so he slept with his ex after he was with you?

Julia:

Right.

Matthew:

And he’s also been talking to this woman online?

Julia:

Right. And me. All at the same time.

Matthew:

Okay. How old is this guy?

Julia:

He’s 17, I’m 18.

Matthew:

Okay. So what do you think might be going on for him right now, as a 17-year-old young man?

Julia:

I don’t know. I feel like he’s just starting to mature, but why doesn’t he just let me go if it’s so hard for him to commit? And yet I told him, “Just let me go, because this is hard.”

Matthew:

Because he’s selfish.

Julia:

That’s what I thought. That’s exactly what I thought.

Matthew:

Because he’s selfish, and because 17-year-olds are selfish.

Julia:

Right.

Matthew:

That doesn’t mean all 17-year-olds are bad people, but if you want to come up with a bit of a stereotype, teenagers are selfish. By the way, he may be selfish for another 10 years, but he’s not essentially looking out for your feelings. He’s, right now, enjoying validation from every direction.

Julia:

Right. Oh, God.

Matthew:

It may be, he likes you so much he doesn’t want to let go – but caring about you would be to let you go, and he doesn’t care about you enough to do that.

And I think it’s good for you to experience selfish men at this age, because meeting a guy like this and feeling attraction for him is good, the pain is good, the rejection is good. It’s all very important, and I wouldn’t wish for anything else for you.

If you called me today and said… If I had a magic wand that could take away all of this, and make him right for you, and make him commit, and not have you have to experience being in competition for anybody, I still wouldn’t wave it. I would still want you to go through all of this and have this experience, because it’s really important for making you an interesting and developed person.

Julia:

Wow, you’re amazing. Oh, my God. Everything you just said was on point.

Matthew:

So have fun out there, Julia. Enjoy it. Don’t waste any more time here. You don’t have to be mean about it. You don’t have to cut yourself off from him completely if you don’t want to, but he’s not denying himself other experiences and you shouldn’t either.

Julia:

Okay. Got it.

Matthew:

All right?