For many years I’ve talked about women “making the first move”.
However, until now, there’s something I’ve failed to clarify…
It’s a key piece that will allow you to avoid the #1 biggest mistake women make when talking to guys, it’ll show you how to get him doing the chasing, as well as create a “push-pull” effect to skyrocket his attraction.
You’ll have fun with this one!
Loved it.
Matt, You’re just so cute! You’re always on point, and so smart! Love listening to you daily, Keep posting please! Love you Matt! When are you coming to OC Cali??
I loved this video. I hope ee eill get mote details how to for ecample make him ask your phone number and start to ssk you out.
ha!
I love the connections you make when you’re free thinking in front of us. So cool, so attractive.
“Don’t be drab. Be a soft shell crab”. Or a porpoise.
I don’t normally comment but that was hilarious (and a bit insightful). Cheers Matt.
Katie
HI MATT. This is an awesome video, thank you soo much !! I totally get the ‘push pull’ thing and have a applied it several times, however, at the moment, I have a particular scenario which was a case of push pull pull. ie, I moved out of a flatshare with this guy with whom there was a lot of sexual tension, etc. I left and put the keys through the letter box ensuring that I kept things amicable (push), sent him a text which just said thanks for your hospitality, I wish you all the best with your new housemate and then he responded with, sorry things didnt work the way we both planned, it would be nice to stay in touch regardless(Pull). I then replied about a week later by saying sure, it would be nice to stay in touch, I hope you are well (Pull). It’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard from him. I dont want remove the chase from him by doing any further pulling and dont think its possible to push any further ( since leaving is pretty much the ultimate push surely). The fact that he was the one that suggested staying in touch and I replied in agreement, I feel, is an encouragement… but I know that this is a commonly used line… Not sure. What are you thoughts? Answers on a post(card) ? I really have no clue. Could this indeed be a scenario where it may be best to wait instead of create?! I dunno.. Anyway, I’m dying to hear your thoughts on this one as it has me stumped. In the meantime, thank you so much for all of your well tuned intelligence and wisdom beyond your years. Cant wait to hear your reply xx Elle :)
Hi there!
Ecellent video!
One of Z Best!
I love this one..it could be thought of in all of our
interactions and relationships in our life :)
I would not have thought about it that way. Body language does play a big part in getting a guy to notice you. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Matt this is the first of your videos that bugged me. Really feels like a game.
Wow you’re SO smart! I love when people can take a topic which has always been super confusing and just totally make it easy to understand. I’m definitely using this analogy whether I be a shark or a dolphin (haha) w texting guys I am often the one chasing never letting the guy show his interest back so THANKS!
“Be a dolphin NOT a leech”. I love how you clarified the push and pull dynamics, Matt!! Because of the nature of my work, I have the tendency to focus on the person in front of me. While this has served me well with friends, colleagues, relatives etc., it also maybe how I am interacting with guys in a social setting. Need to be more mindful of this when going out and meeting new people, but particularly guys!!
“Be a dolphin” is going to be my new emotional button for going out and meeting new people!! Thank you so much!
Warmest Regards,
Shev XX
A couple of things. First, I do use Matt’s techniques sometimes and they do work. I think his view of what men think is spot on.
What I’ve learned. Some, if not most, men need a LOT of space. They feel trapped so easily. I don’t get that, honestly. Similar things happened to me as a woman and I don’t feel trapped at all. Or I leave. It’s not that big a deal. So he closes the circle. If I like him, I’ll still like him. If I don’t, I still won’t.
The thing about giving men space is it’s so completely opposite to how I’ve been socialized to connect my entire life. I’m wired for closeness. When I don’t get it I disconnect. When I give men space to chase, they do. Sometimes. But during that space while I’m living my wonderful life, I lose interest. Matt hasn’t addressed this. This just isn’t how I’ve seen women connect to people. And who cares if he’s finally chasing you if you’ve already lost interest?
Point two: sometimes you give them space and they don’t chase or they don’t reconnect. Some men just aren’t interested. We puzzle over this because we do the right things, but sometimes the guy just isn’t attracted. It’s really hard to accept if you like someone but if they aren’t reconnecting with you they usually just don’t want to.
I use to spend a lot of brain power trying to figure this out. Now I save my brain power and move on a lot quicker. Fortunately, there are a lot of other men who are interested. And they have to compete with my wonderful life for me. :-)
I have the same problem. When I connect to a guy I want it to develop from there. If a guy stops talking to me and we have “a break” from seeing each other because he doesn’t make an effort to stay in touch, I lose interest. The feeling of connection is gone and I don’t feel like forcing it back just because a guy is suddenly interested in me again. Why women are supposed to accommodate to men? Can’t they figure out that women need more attention than they do? It’s a lose-lose situation…
Well, if you lost interest and moved on, the guy is just not your guy. End of story. You’d probably want to see him again if you had felt something genuinely special for him. The other way around is also true.
Now losing intetest doesn’t mean you should’t go out him again. You can initiate a friendship instead of dating him; guys know more guys and a guy friend may introduce you to that guy that makes your heart sing.
Am I supposed to hold on to that connection for weeks in hope that he might eventually get in touch with me? That’s ridiculous! Losing interest is a self-protective mechanism. I hurts too much to feel disappointed again because you thought you met someone special and clearly he doesn’t care about you that way. I want to meet a guy who would call me up or talk to me on fb or otherwise get in touch with me soon after our first meeting. Is it to much to ask?!
Hi Margot,
I can only chime in say, it may mean he’s not the guy for you. But it many mean MANY men aren’t the guys for you since Matt is right on with that most guys feel this way.
I don’t go out with a guy I’ve lost interest in. Once gone, it’s usually gone. The only thing he can really do is try to earn my attention again. Some do, some don’t. It’s not an easy task.
I will say one thing. Right now I’m in early dates (dates 1-3) with three different men and I have a lot of hobbies side projects going on. It does work for the guys but it’s a lot for my brain to juggle all of this. I really do like to focus on one thing at a time. I’m only trying this because focusing on one man at a time wasn’t working for me and if nothing else, this is great for my ego!
Will keep this blog posted!
-A
Thanks, Daria for responding! It’s good to hear responses in real time. And to know I’m not the only one. The crux of my question is that many women get turned on by attention and by close connection. That simply doesn’t happen if you’re giving the guy his space. He’s thinking of you and selling himself on you, but you’re being turned off. Matt needs to address this.
He does by saying getting busy with your own life. Or by dating other men. That does work, but it’s not like your initial attraction is frozen in time until the guy calls you. Nope! If I meet other men, then he gets pushed to the back. Same if I get busy with work/hobbies/friends/family. He can try and work his way forward again, but honestly by that time I simply don’t care. Once attraction has grown cold on my side, that’s it for me.
It just seem women and men are very different in this way. I guess we just wait until we find men who don’t need as much space? I dunno!
Hi,
I really liked the video but I don’t think that the tip of being a dolphin works in every culture. By that I mean that where I am from, dolphin behaviour like that most likely would intimidate or discourage most guys to approach. But where I am from, the nice guys also never really approach at all, they stare from far away, shyly but they would never come over. I have tried a lot of your body language tips to make myself more approchable but they only attract horrible, creepy guys who use pick up lines such as: I wanna shag you. What I am trying to say is, that I think that it depends on the mentality of a culture, on theit outgoingness, relaxedness and commitment. Where I am from, commitment isn’t a very spread suit, neither is that fun, flirty, charmingness guys (e.g.: in France) have. So I am thinking in some places women can be as proactive as they want and be still a dolphin and guys still won’t approach them because they just don’t care because they are too afraid of rejection or putting in an effort.
I will still try the dolphin technnique, to prove myself wrong :). So thank you, Matt. This was really illustrative.
Have a nice day, everyone!
“…Don’t be a shark, be a dolphin…” Haha…Why are you so cute matthew?!
There’s a great book about acting called “Impro” by Keith Johnstone you should check out. The section on Status discusses who in a scene holds the power, and the idea easily spills into interpersonal communication and relationships. I just realized that when you say “high value,” you’re talking about holding high status and claiming one’s power. Be open and approachable and vulnerable and honest, but from a position of power and proactivity. Women in love or in the throes of attraction don’t do this for some reason. We (yes, me, too) give away our power and wait for the guy to initiate action. Why is that? Interesting subjects for future videos. Anyway, thanks for this one. Again, you give me tons of advice I can use when I go out tonight, not just to get guys but to be a better conversationalist and fun person. :D
gunna check it out! Thanks for mentioning!
Matthew, I know you support women’s approaching guys in person. I support it in some cases, and I don’t support it in others, because women tend to take it two steps further (like the girls you met) as for some reason, they think most men in a bar will enjoy talking to them as much as they want to talk themselves just because they are female.
I remember sometimes I went out with girlfriends and they embarrassed me. They went to talk to the guy they liked after multiple drinks, I was left standing there like a cucumber, and if I joined them, then the guy’s friend feels entitled to talk to me, like there has to be a complete match. I end up going to the bar side on my own after 5 mins of hanging out with them for the sake of my girlfriend, because I don’t think I have to talk to that guy’s friend just because my friend is talking to him, if it makes sense.
Personally I’d never approach a guy in person. If I am interested in talking to someone in a bar type of place, I make it obvious to him that it is okay for him to come talk to me simply by smiling. That is all. People say I have an innocent face and personable look. Maybe that is why I never needed to approach someone physically, but what is better invitation then a genuine smile? I would never actually walk over to a guy and enter his territory especially if he is with a group of friends. No way. I don’t think any woman should do that (you might disagree with me on this). It is different if the guy is sitting right next to me. Then I can initiate a conversation no problem.
I don’t let guys pay for my drinks either unless he is a friend, because sometimes men feel entitled to your time when they buy you drink. Believe me, some men think you owe them something for the moment after they pay $10 for a drink. Ridiculous! Most times I talk to people just to get to know a different person and learn their outlook in life. And most times it is not interesting at all. When people go out they either flirt with strangers or don’t talk at all. I don’t get that “all or nothing” mentality. I don’t operate like that. Maybe none of us should operate like that.
I think those girls were being crabs. They held on and didn’t let go. hahaha! xxx
Matt, I was sitting at a bar by the window in downtown one day. A guy saw me from his car just while driving back home from work. He drove around the block 3 times. Talk about a shark! Then he parked his car, came in and asked to join me. I told him “I am not here to meet someone but we can chat for a while for sure.” He was a single doctor in his 40s. We talked about bunch of things related to life, nothing personal. I paid for my own drink. He asked to drive me home. I didn’t accept it. He gave me his card and said “please do call me if you would like to have a coffee or drink”. I never called him. What a hunter eh? Truth be told, his level of confidence put me off completely.
Now I can see some guys saying “be confident but don’t be too confident, what are we supposed to do?” like some ladies saying that they are confused about what to do. There is a fine line between being outgoing and being just too much out there. It is only common sense but people fail to separate them. Maybe I should start making youtube videos to tell my stories. :-P j/k
I also think it’s far more attractive when a women smiles at a guy and “invites” him to come over with her body language. But lets face it, most guys don’t know how to handle that ( unless he is with friends or is a player that used to asking out women all the time).
That’s why I think the push pull method is absolute genius! :) That doesn’t mean we should tell them “I think your hot and wanted to meet you”, but maybe we can make a comment or ask a question. We are basically giving them a chance to impress us, and then we leave to chat with others.
Hi Phoebe, right. Matt’s advice is always great, and it will work. There is no doubt about it. I want to take this opportunity to clarify that I do my tiny disagreements with utmost respect to him. Besides, where is the fun if I agree with everything like robot? :-P :-P
My personal concern is that not all guys are as open-minded and have 100% respect to women. I have seen some guys got a big head after my slightest interest, sometimes it is not even interest, just a simple hi. I agree that there are many guys who are too shy to approach a woman, but I’ve also seen that no one is too shy to talk after some alcohol. If the guy is alone, it is one thing (he wouldn’t mind a chat buddy- if that chat buddy is a woman, all the better), but if he is with his friends especially, I wouldn’t want to give him any opportunity to get a big head. I know there are great guys out there who are not like that, but after some negative experiences, I don’t want to take any chances. I don’t need to anyway, as they come to talk even when I don’t smile. I was stunned many times by the level of arrogance some guys had. Also, ladies usually take it 2 steps further when they approach a guy. It is like “so okay I proved my confidence, why doesn’t he call me?” Every advice Matt gives here is another piece of the whole. Some ladies see it like studying chapters in a text book. Weird. I relate every video and article to life in general. I think that is the whole point. Don’t be a leech to anyone- friends, family, co-workers. You need to keep your distance so people will appreciate your worth. You need to respect yourself first to be respected.
xxx
I completely understand where your coming from! I’ve also had guys get a big ego just from a smile and some eye contact. The thing about it is that when I get that kinda reaction, I show them how turned off I am and move on.
I was actually never the type to approach guys but I am tired of being approached by players. It’s about being proactive yet classy.
Haha! love the puns!!
Umm can you do a video on how to do this via texting?
Funny how you stalled and stalled only to reveal that nothing happened and you guys left the place! Silly Matthew :D
I feel that this video is one of the best I have ever seen from you, because it tells me exactly how to act in this specific situation. I’m a bit shy and have a certain degree of social phobia, for this reason knowing how to act in different situations makes me more relaxed and less nervous. I would love to see more videos like this.
me too… i’d love to see videos like that.