Last week I opened the doors on my brand new “Attraction To Commitment” program, and I’m honestly blown away by the amazing response we had. My team and I couldn’t be happier with how many women have said “yes” to getting a real relationship and taking the next step with us. Thank you, thank you, thank you :)
Now, on to today’s topic.
If you’ve been in the early dating stages with a guy, you may have noticed after a few weeks when you get one of those “uh-oh” moments. It might not be terrible behavior, but you know it’s behavior you don’t want for the rest of your relationship.
In this week’s video, I’m going to give 3 steps of exactly how to handle this difficult conversation, so that you communicate your standards in an attractive way when he violates them.
Disagreements Can Bring You CLOSER (Instead of Push Him Away).
Tap Below to Learn How…
In this video, I give you three simple steps to bringing up something your partner has done that you don’t like, in a way that strengthens, instead of weakens, your relationship.
What a week! My newest program, Attraction to Commitment, came out this week. The excitement was unbelievable this week, more than I’ve ever experienced in my career for a new program. I want to say thank you to all of you who were excited about it, thank you to all of you who got the program. Send me an email. Let me know what you’re thinking about it so far.
If you were off the radar this week, and you don’t know anything about this, click the link below the video. It’s called Attraction to Commitment. It’s my newest program. Go check it out for yourself. And for everyone watching this video, I have something really cool today. See, we got a comment in the last couple of weeks that I wanted to address.
Sophie B. says, “So this is not a direct criticism, but I would love to see some videos about how to maintain a good relationship. I’ve got the guy, but new problems start to come up. How can I fight in an effective way? What can I do to maintain a good energy in my relationship? And how can I work on myself within a relationship?”
Now, Sophie, hopefully, you’ve realized, since that comment, that everything you’re describing is a huge part of the new program I’ve released, Attraction to Commitment. I hope you got on that program, but there is something that you said that I want to pick up on for the entire audience, which is how to fight effectively.
All of us, when we meet someone special, are going to have a moment where that person does something we don’t like, and in that moment, we are either going to have a reaction that hurts or helps our relationship, that destroys or builds. This will depend on the meaning we give to what someone else has done–and the most dangerous meanings tend to be the ones we rush to from a place of insecurity or fear or vulnerability, when we think we’ve been wronged. And when we think we’ve been wronged, we tend to ascribe the worst motive to what someone has done, but there’s something I want you to remember in a moment like this.
There’s a philosophical principle called Hanlon’s Razor: “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.”
Now, what this means is, sometimes we attribute the worst intentions to someone’s actions, when really, what we’re encountering is a form of stupidity or ignorance or thoughtlessness.
When someone does something that hurts us, very often, it wasn’t that they were trying to hurt us. They just weren’t really thinking, and you may say, “That’s still bad.” And that may be true, but it’s not as bad. See, different meanings have different emotional intensity. “They are trying to hurt me”, “they don’t care about me”, “they don’t think I’m worthy”, “they don’t love me”: those have a very strong emotional intensity.
They weren’t really thinking, less so, and in any case, our first reaction to something is us just guessing at it. We’re making a decision based on a story we’ve constructed in our minds, not on the reality of what’s actually going on. So here are three simple steps that you can use anytime you want to bring up something you’re not happy about that will strengthen, instead of weaken, your relationship.
The first is simply to slow down. I’m far more likely to regret my quick reactions than the ones I take a moment to consider, and that doesn’t mean not saying anything, but think about it this way: If your conclusion is right, then it will still be right five minutes from now, or an hour from now, or tonight when you see your partner, but if you rush your reaction, that can be something that you’ll easily regret.
Second, phone a friend. Phone the friend in your life that is objective, that is measured in his or her response to situations, not the person who’s immediately going to back you up, not the kind of friend who…what’s the best way to explain this? Good idea.
Matthew: “He knew that that meeting today was really important to me and I haven’t heard from him in the last three hours.”
Monkey: “Oh, hell no. That man need to know he (bleep) up.”
Matthew: “I, at least, thought he’d ask me how it went or–”
Monkey: “I’m going to speak to him.”
Matthew: “No, don’t. You don’t need to say anything. I’m going to–”
Monkey: “I’m going to speak to him.”
Matthew: “Monkey, it’s–”
Monkey: “I’m going to speak to him.”
Matthew: “No, I’m going to speak to… Don’t come over.”
Monkey: “I’ll come over.”
Matthew: “Don’t come over.”
Monkey: “Hang on, I’m on the phone with Strange Mel.”
Matthew: “Don’t bring Strange Mel.”
Monkey: “He’s probably cheating.”
Monkey: “Probably cheating.”
Matthew: “You should come over.”
Monkey: “Already on my way.”
Matthew: “Bring Strange Mel.”
Monkey: “Oh, she’s already here.”
Don’t call that type of friend. Here’s the friend you need: The one that doesn’t simply buy your story, the one that knows you well enough that they can tell you when they think that you’re going overboard. When you’re falling prey to your normal patterns, they can check you. They’re not afraid to check you and be like, “You know what? You’re overreacting here.” Or, “Just take a beat. I think you should go in a little calmer and talk like this.”
They can help you navigate the emotional storm you’re in. Because guess what? When you’re upset, when you’re angry, when you’re too close to something, you’re drunk, and you need to talk to a sober person, but not just any sober person, a wise sober person.
Monkey: “I’m calling Strange Mel.”
Number three, use charming candor. Now, when we feel wronged, we often go to one of two places. We either immediately, as a reflex, get aggressive and serious and angry, or we get passive aggressive, and someone has to draw out of us what’s wrong, because they know our energy has changed, but they don’t know why, and so we’re building up to the moment where we’re going to unleash all of this truth on them.
There is a space to come to people in a much more relaxed way, and I call it charming candor, because it allows you to be candid, but at the same time, maintain your charming, warm demeanor. Like if you’re dating a guy, and for the last two or three dates, you’ve gone over to his side of town, and the next date he tries to set up, he says, “Hey, want to come to this bar near me?” And it’s on his side of town again, you don’t have to set up a time for a serious conversation with him to talk about it.
Instead, you can just text him back, “Your turn to come to me, lazy.” That is charming candor, because you’re being playful, you’re not being over serious, but you are pointing out that you want him to come to you. You’re putting the light on the situation. And you may say, “But it’s disrespectful that he’s asking me to come to his side of town again.” Okay, if your playful little jab doesn’t create a change in behavior, now you can have a more serious conversation, but it doesn’t have to go straight to serious. Sometimes, being playful but speaking the truth, puts something on someone’s radar in a way that, that’s enough. They have awareness now and they can adjust.
Look, I’m passionate about this subject because I’m interested in the truth of relationships, not the way we want them to be, not the way they are on a Hallmark card, not the way they are in a movie, but the way they really are, and what I’ve learned is one of the harsh truths about relationships is that, if we continuously have the wrong reaction to things, the wrong reaction can cost us the right person.
Now, yes, the right person, the right relationship, the right love can take a lot of damage. Right? It’s not fickle, it’s not brittle. You can do a lot wrong with the right relationship and still hold on to it, but A, that doesn’t mean it will thrive, and B, it doesn’t mean that sustained injury to a relationship over time won’t eventually be the death of it.
Our actions, our reactions, matter, and if you take one thing from this video, I want it to be that, in moments when you feel vulnerable or threatened or insecure or wronged, you take a moment to really assess whether your reaction is coming from your own insecurities, your own demons, your own scars, or whether it’s genuinely a reaction to the reality of the situation. And the only way that we’ll know more about what the reality of the situation actually is and be able to use that information to have a more positive productive conversation with our partner is to react more consciously and communicate more confidentially.
If you like this, if this speaks to you, this is exactly the kind of depth and detail that I go into in my brand new Attraction to Commitment program, so go check it out. I’ll link it up here. I cannot wait for you to see this.
Get your copy, and I will see you, as always, in next week’s video.