Win the Argument AND Win Them Over – 4 Techniques

Look, anyone can “win” an argument. Hurl enough insults at a person and eventually they’re going to give up. But when you care about someone, isn’t the goal actually to influence them to see your perspective and come to a meeting of the minds?

Today I’m handing you 4 elegantly effective techniques to get your point of view across in a way that is certain, passionate and compassionate at the same time. Not only will you win, but you’ll win people over.

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35 Replies to “Win the Argument AND Win Them Over – 4 Techniques”

  • Hi Matt:

    Love this video, even though it deviates from the usual relationship stuff. Techniques like these are really important in communication in any type of interpersonal interactions. Great life skills. Thank you very much for sharing.

  • F@$&#%* Genius, Matthew Hussey! I’ve recently gotten involved with a “player” for lack of a better word. I have a complete love/hate relationship with him. Long distance, he’s like you in that, he plays by his own rules and he likes strong/smart women who challenge him to be a better man. He’s a retired fireman. Right now, he’s out of town apprenticing with a world renown airbrush painter. Hot! He could be golfing and drinking bourbon all day long. Instead he’s chasing the dreams of an artist. Like I said, it’s hot. I’ve been way too transparent for him. I’m surprised he’s still interested. Especially, after what I’ve been learning from you. So far it’s been a non-sexual relationship. In a way, I’m glad. I’m getting to know him slowly. He’s good at ramping up the chemistry when he’s in town. Right now we play online chess and debate life the universe and everything, when we talk on the phone. I feel like he plays women (people) like he plays chess, I’m wary that he’s the bad kind of narcissist, though at times I see his eyes spark with empathy and I can’t imagine he could really be a sociopath. Anyways, both in chess and arguments, he usually wins. Though he has said that I’m a hard-ass. I took it as a compliment. The point of this long diatribe is that I’ve been wanting to write you and ask, how does one “close the deal” in the event that, you know. I decided he was willing the risk of my heart and body to? He’s made it clear that he won’t give up pleasure with other women and he encourages me to find playmates, and he seems often lasciviously open to the idea of sharing orgasm with each other. I guess I’m realizing I have a different question: how do I determine if he is worth the risk? And then the gratitude for your video. Thank you for turning me on to Ben Franklin. I’m going out to get that book tomorrow. You did such an amazing job explaining the 4 techniques. I feel like I’ve been slowly and naturally been picking up these ideas, just by experience. And, your way of teaching the methods feels very doable. I’m excited to start practicing. Who knows, somehow it might help with my chess game, too.

  • Hey Matthew

    Happy independence weekend!
    I’ve been watching your videos and reading your emails for over a year now and I can honestly say that you’ve helped me to become a stronger woman. You’ve not only helped me to become more dateable, because of your videos I also leaned things that helped me to become a better social worker student. My body language improved and I have learned to be the best version of me instead of the person I think others expect me to be.

    From the Netherlands

  • You’re English Intellectual side came out today in spades. You have us geeky girls swooning! If the English hadn’t lost the war, we ladies would have had a bunch of guys like you to complain about and we would be listening to maybe a sexy French or Italian dude on YouTube for relationship advice.

    In an alternate universe.

  • Matthew, these are excellent, live-changing techniques. Thank You. I really appreciate becoming aware of them.

  • More like this, Matthew! Love the broader life coaching advice. This is wonderful stuff and feels more like Dale Carnegie who has always had the best communication advice.

    Happy Independence Day!

  • Hello Matthew,
    Thank you so much for this video. I just cannot stop wondering how on earth such a young person like you could be so wise and thirsty for more and more knowledge abouth human psyche all the time, knowledge that usually comes with many years of life experience. I have to agree with Eva Longoria that you are a genius and I feel priviledged to learn from you although I am probably nearly twice your age.
    With lots of gratitude I will continue to enjoy your wonderful pearls of wisdom.

  • Best video yet. Incredibly inciteful and articulated well. I will be going on to read Benjamin franklin’s bio and Socrates. Thank you. Gillian x

  • Thank you Matt. I wish I had seen this the day before yesterday. I was involved in a heated argument with my brother about someone who is being a total arsewash to my parents, sister and I. I did take a very dogmatic approach, which actually might have done some good because I don’t think my brother has ever seen me that fierce before (That’s right, this badass bitch has claws. Didn’t expect that did ya?!). Seriously this whole situation really takes the biscuit.
    Unfortunately it wasn’t resolved but now I know what to do next time. I am definitely right, I just need my brother to see that too so he can stop siding with that ungrateful git.

    I promise I will try to be humble and sensible next time.

    Anyway thanks again for making another helpful and well articulated video.


  • Dear Matt,

    What I love about your videos and articles is that they almost always make me think. I find that you and Stephen are both very thoughtful and usually have a well-reasoned, well articulated, and well-intentioned idea or set of ideas to propose. This topic is one I find intensely interesting so I wish I could discuss this in more detail with you both, but in lieu of that, I’ll simply write a really long-winded reply.

    I often think, Matt (and Stephen), that you don’t realize just how much your thoughtfulness differentiates you from the general populace. Most people aren’t especially thoughtful or reasonable, especially when it comes to love and romance. I think you once said that men are very primal when it comes to their interactions with women. And I completely agree. It’s my experience that while men usually think they’re being very logical because they’re able to find what they think is a logical explanation for their behavior, usually their reactions are all caveman instinct and logic has nothing to do with it.

    Because your approach and advice is usually quite logical, I find that I often disagree with what you’re saying. You and your brother might be capable of overriding instinct with analysis, but, if so, you’re in a miniscule minority. And, because people are so often incapable of rationality when defending their beliefs, I find that arguing with people is nearly always a complete waste of time. The only reason to do it is to humiliate someone. And the only time I’m interested in humiliating someone is when they’ve espoused a belief so utterly offensive to me that I’m simply unable or unwilling to wrestle with my temper enough to be able to walk away.

    For whatever reason, I happen to be someone who doesn’t at all look as if I’m the type of person I actually am. It’s my experience that people formulate an idea of who you are extremely quickly, generally based purely on physical attributes you possess, sometimes augmenting their guesses with what they consider to be salient facts like your age, your gender, and your socio-economic status, although these “facts” are also often determined based solely on your physical appearance with no attempt made to confirm their veracity.

    I am often placed in the position of proving people wrong simply by being who I am. There’s no arguing. I’m making no conscious attempt to prove them wrong. I rarely point out their mistake. My actions just speak for themselves. And people never, ever take that well.

    Once a person is put in the position of having to admit to themselves (or, even worse, other people) that their judgment is faulty, they don’t usually take a reasoned and thoughtful approach to dealing with being wrong. They nearly always get angry at me for not conforming to their beliefs. And, often, what ensues at that point is an aggressive campaign to belittle or humiliate me or to force me into behaving in ways that they believe I should. The problem with this reaction is that I don’t care.

    You can’t be humiliated by someone whose opinion doesn’t matter to you. Almost without exception, they aren’t even remotely capable of humiliating me. And if their attempts to do so aggravate me enough, I will retaliate in a manner that often ends in their public embarrassment. And I generally can’t be manipulated. Any attempt to do so is as obvious as it is odious to me.

    In the end, no one wins. I’ve been aggravated and provoked into a response, which is time I’ll never get back. And they’re still wrong, although that won’t stop them from judging the next person they come across in pretty much the exact same manner that was so unsuccessful with me.

    I think the goal should be to find someone that can engage in an interesting and thoughtful conversation without either person attempting to manipulate or provoke the other. Aristotle said, “it’s a sign of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it” (except he said it in Greek which I’m sure sounded even smarter), and those are the people I want in my life. Or people who simply want to enjoy life and generally aren’t interested in arguing or debating anything. Like cats — they never argue back. I wish I had a kitten, so much better than an argument.

    Btw, thanks for not wearing the tadpole shirt again. Was it a gift? It seems like it was a gift.


    1. Shannon Hooper I love your comments and the tadpole t-shirt gift thing, very funny.



  • Thank you so much for this information. This is one of the best videos. I appreciate it that you share your ideas not only related to relationships, but also to life in general.

  • In my opinion, starting the day with food for thought, especially from the wise and wonderful Matthew Hussey, is the best breakfast of champions!! Honestly though, I love you and your wisdom. You always have the best slant on things. I love learning and being more effective in the world. And you definitely help me to do that very thing. Gale

  • Wow, you are getting better and better with your clips. I watched it this morning, July 5. I’m going to read Franklin’s biography after I’m done with Plato’s Republic. Thanks again, Matt! Cristina

  • I have Franklin’s Autobiography and now I want to actually read it. AND this video gave me some great inspiration and insight into an ongoing argument I’ve been having! I’m excited to experiment with coming at it from a different direction with a different style!

    Also, this will not be the only Matthew Hussey video I watch today! :)

  • Hi Matt,

    Quality video again! I’m keen to read Franklin’s autobiography now! I know you’re a big reader and I like how much you extract from books. Can you do a monthly book recommendation blog/video? I’d really like that!!


  • Matt, you continue to blow me away with your analysis of human dynamics! You are so adept in how you communicate and project yourself that a lot of us could really benefit from learning these essential life skills.

    Can you please make more videos like this? More videos on effective communication, influence and perception? I would even pay to learn these essential techniques and strategies from you.

    Thanks for continuously coming out with such high-quality content! Btw, I love how *deeply* you analyze things.. I’m the same way. I love receiving brainal and would pay to get more of it ;)

  • Matt, more content on building influence please! I CRAVE this stuff. So important for all kinds of relationships! Really loving the direction of the content lately…thank you!!!

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