Why Do Men Only See Me As a Hookup?

Do you find that men only ever seem to chase you for sex?

In this video, I show a listener live in my Fast Track webinar Q&A how she can make a guy crazy for her personality and not just her body, by making some simple small shifts in her approach to her interactions with him.

Want a Chance for YOUR Dating Question to be Answered? Tap Below to Send Me Your Question Now…

Now in case you’ve been living under a rock or a pile of palm tree leaves… Don’t let people live under you! (Runner jogging by.) Hi… You don’t think she thought anything was weird about that did you?

In case you’ve been living under a rock, I have a membership where every month I work with my private community on getting them the most out of their love lives, whether they’re single or in a relationship. Well, on last month’s membership Webinar, there was a moment that I thought would be useful to bring to all of you. So check it out, and I will see you at the end of the clip.

Myra, how to avoid men seeing you in a sexual way only? Look, people sometimes try to see you in 2D and you need to make it impossible for people to see you in 2D. You have to make it so that someone has to see you in 3D. When someone walks into a room and you think they’re just hot, that’s 2D. When they reveal a vulnerability about themselves, when they reveal a close relationship they have with someone in their life, their sister, their cousin, their niece, their aunt, their mom… When they reveal something they’re truly passionate about, a hobby that they love doing. When they reveal something they’re geeky about, when they reveal a vision that they have for their future, when they reveal ways that they are old school romantic, these things create a 3D picture of someone, and the more 3D elements you give someone, the harder it is for them to see you in that two dimensional way anymore.

When people are seeing each other on apps and things like that, Instagram, whatever, they want to see someone as 2D so that they can… Often guys will dehumanize people by seeing them in 2D. It’s easier for me to reject someone in 2D. It’s easier for me to just be sexual, send crude messages to someone in 2D. It’s easier to send a dick pic to someone you see in 2D. Think about that. People ask, why do guys send dick pics? What is going on? But guys send dick pics to people in 2D. They’re not sending them to someone who they think of as someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone who had a difficult childhood, someone who loves painting, someone who loves writing. When someone reveals more and more and more about themselves in a way that you can no longer see them in two dimensions, they become three dimensional. And that’s when they start seeing us as more than one thing.

And that doesn’t just apply to someone seeing you only sexually, it also applies to someone seeing you just as a business person. It also applies to someone seeing you as just a yoga instructor, just a friend, just a whatever. If you want to be more than just a, you have to start paying yourself in 3D and stop putting yourself forward in 2D. And by the way, why do people put themselves forward in 2D? Because even though they don’t like to admit it, most of the time the dimension we complain about being seen in exclusively is the one we use as our power.

So a lot of people who say, “Oh, I just wish…” I know plenty of situations where there’s like women on Instagram who are saying, “I just… Guys only see me sexually,” and then their Instagram is filled with bikini pictures and you’re like, I’ve got nothing against someone putting bikini pictures. If it makes you feel good, if that’s what you like doing, great. But then don’t complain if people consistently see you in a sexual light first and foremost. Or someone who has a high flying job. Like you get men who, this is hilarious, like men who are in some high flying job or whatever, that’s all they ever fucking talk about. All they ever talk about is what they’ve achieved, their status, their power, their money, whatever. And then they’re like, “I just… you know, all these chicks, man, just want me for my money.” It’s like, yeah, douchebag. Because it’s all you ever talk about. So that’s the only dimension you’re seen in.

It tends to be whatever we secretly are most comfortable or feel most able to use as a source of validation. That’s the thing we put forward, but now what we don’t like is when we’re seen as just that. Well, if we don’t want to be seen as just that we have to start painting ourselves as three dimensional and that means bringing things into the frame that we are out of practice at bringing into the frame, or are uncomfortable to bring into the frame. Maybe because we don’t feel as accomplished in that area or because it feels more vulnerable. It feels like we’re being seen more to bring those things into the frame. But unless we’re prepared to bring all of our humanity into the frame, people are going to find it much easier to dehumanize us.

Thanks for watching everyone. I’d love to know what you think of this concept and if you want to have the chance at getting your love life question answered, go to AskMH.com. I will see you there.

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47 Replies to “Why Do Men Only See Me As a Hookup?”

  • Sorry,
    I disagree.
    I’m a very open person. I talk about my interests and what I’m passionate about.
    It doesn’t make a scrap of difference.
    I once saw someone as a friend for three years. He knew all about the real me.
    Turns out he didn’t give a monkeys about all that.
    After all those years he drugged and raped me.
    This isn’t the first time it’s happened.
    I’m sick to death of men hitting on me. They treat you like you’re there to entertain them.
    They think that you want what they want.
    I DON’T ! But they never get it.
    Now I’ve had 59 years of this! Sick of how men think it’s ok to treat you like that. So basically on my own all the time. Stopped wearing make-up and doing my hair. Just want to blend in and not attract any more A holes. Yes there’s good guys out there.
    They’re never interested in me ‍♀️

    1. I just read your comment , and god it’s tough, i understand you… A lot..
      I also understand Matthew a lot , we can’t act on everybody but we can act on the good guys by showing the vulnerable part of us , just like you did with us.
      I really want to talk to you in private if you want too.

      I think in my case , i really believe in the words « we attract what we vibe » , when i try to be the stongest and freeest woman after an abusive relationship i attract so much of this folks.
      Now it change, i changed, i ‘m vulnerable as fuck, so i’m the opposite of them and i they are not attracted in a stupid way.
      I attract people with such an open heart .. Men who are okay to feel their feminin energy as much as a masculine one.

      Sending Love to everyone.

  • Wow!!! Matthew you are so spot on with this video! Vulnerability is your strength! It’s the only true way to be seen and valued. Even if that person isn’t receptive to what you’re giving out, it’s still a win for you. Look at each experience with a guy as practice and free therapy. Yes! I said THERAPY Through the process of dating and being vulnerable while doing so you learn so much about yourself and others. You begin to develop REAL connections with others instead of superficial ones. Give it a try! Most of us have tried everything else that hasn’t worked in our favor. I can bear witness that taking on this new approach to dating has gotten me some pretty good results with my current guy.

  • Excellent advice and video!!! WOW I had never thought of it that way. I have been playing the old tapes of only have sex as my power and attractiveness. And there is so much more interesting about me than that so this video made it clear to me how to change my interactions. Truly brilliant!!! Thank you!

  • I can see what you are saying but I don’t present myself that way and I still get guys who just want sex .

  • I love this Matthew, thank you for this video. Useful advice not just where being seen as a sex object is concerned but about what seems to be what we put out there for validation or as validative. Very heavy food for thought. Perfectly explained. Xx

  • Matthew,

    I want to tell you how much I appreciate this video… it was definitely an “ahaha” moment! Thank you for helping us ladies out!

    Amber Lynn

  • Absolutely perfect.
    I generally fear putting those things forward and out there, because it took alot for me to get to where I am. I feel that somehow they will see all that ugly first and not see who I am and becoming.
    But you are right,it those are the topics that really get a conversation going and connection started.

  • Wonderfully described! And makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing this. I have had this exact question on my mind since a long time now.

  • So your saying the reason why majority of men objectify me is because I put myself out there as a 2 dimensional being that is objectionable? Has nothing todo with there brain seeing my red hair and following societal views on redheads as being sex symbols?
    My first impression comes across as very loud and intimidating . I’ve been told this countless times. I am quick to boredom and impatience with small talk and what I call “surface ppl”. I am a very deep and passionate person. What’s the point of waisting time with anything that is dull. I want to hear about detailed travels your thoughts on the cosmos how to make the impossible possible. I’m really good at taking the most subtle thought to such a deeper level that it flows into 16 different topics and comes full circle back around to the first, talking for hrs into the night.
    And yet, no matter if a guy is seeing me walk into a room for the first time or has had many conversations has spent days weeks or months getting to know me. Boom im objectified as only a sex object.
    Dont get me wrong Matt. You have a point. I do agree that 2d personas are easily seen as just one thing. But this is not an answer to my issue of being seen as only this or that. I easily pass straight through 3d to a 4d persona within 5 mins of meeting me. Men still pursue one thing. My time is to valuable to be waisted on such types . Cant expect to find a good match if I constantly have to tell em to kick rocks .
    So what’s another way to stop them from Objectifying you if you are showing them your more then a 3d persona? Hmm?

  • Matthew who is my guy please tell me I want to him I say so coz I’m just blindly I don’t know what is taking place in this program now I’m fed up just hammer the nail on the head

  • @Mimi Warner and all women that had similar horrible experiences: I’m sorry this happened to you. It was NOT your fault!

    You don’t need a dating expert in this case like Matthew. He is good for DATES, your love live etc. You have been the victim of a CRIME. That is a completely different thing!!! Even though you may have been on a date/meeting/etc. with the perpetrator: You did not ask for it and what Matthew describes is advice for women that have actual dates and consensual sex with men, but don’t end up in good relationships and now seek his advice. These tips are NOT suitable for crime victims!

    If you feel like the experiences of rape and abuse have an impact on your actual dating live, please seek psycholigical counseling first and just then bother about dating advice. Please take good care of your physical and psychological help.

  • Thank you for sharing another brilliant insight which seems to be just bubbling out of this fascinating mind of yours. Personally, I think this might perhaps have been your third most ground-breaking concept, after (1)`bliss point` and (2) `high energy but low investment` (basing level of investment not on how much you like him but rather on how much he invests back).

    Even if I`m not sure whether this actually works, I do have a feeling that if you consequently use it together with the other two concepts, the chances of a person seeing you as a hookup will most likely become negligibly small.

    However, reconciling concept 2 and 3 might get a bit tricky at times.

    Keep it up!

  • Great insight and remedy to being thought of as “just a (fill in the blank).” Be conscious about turning your 2D into 3D. Brilliant and unique perspective that I’ve never heard of before.

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